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 AUTHOR
 ~1happywoman~
Joined: 9/20/2006
Msg: 54
Caring for our parents......Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
JJ, you are so right about taking care of financial matters! This burden has been mine to deal with. My mom has always been one to avoid things. My dad went through a long illness, and before he declined too much, I had the sense to contact a lawyer familiar with elder care. We made some changes that would protect mom and dad's assets if he would have needed to go into a nursing home. (For the last 7-8 years of his life he needed 24 hour care, which we were able to do - and I mean tube feedings, bowel program, unable to walk or even stand, and eventually, he could not speak. Had something happened to either my mother or myself, he would have had to go to a nursing home. I saw the necessity of having a "plan B".) Now my mother is very frail, 90 years old, becoming more demented every day, and refuses to see the logic in what we want to do now for a "worst case" situation. I've been too close to the situation and waited too long.
 Malley
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 56
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 4/2/2008 3:34:37 PM

Both of them are of the 'ostrich' variety of reality.


Aww, what a great way to put it !

It seems many of that generation are in complete denial about their mortality.
It appears the consensus is if it is not discussed it, it won't happen.

My father passed away intestate. In Canada, it's not too bad if their is a surviving spouse.
All assets, legally, are to be divided 1/2 to spouse and the other 1/2 divided amongst the offspring.
It was simply a matter of the children signing our portion back to our mother.

I wasn't long hauling my mother in to see a lawyer for a good tongue lashing.
She promptly had a will and power of attorney drawn up.

As far as I am concerned, all of us, no matter our age, should leave legally binding written instructions.

The cost is nominal and it saves a great deal of stress and second guessing on the part of our families.

All scenarios can be covered. If one parent should pass then this ... or if both pass together this ...

I would strongly advise having a medical directive not just drawn up, but openly discussed with your next of kin as well.
 MrSmileyHimself
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 58
view profile
History
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 4/2/2008 4:41:08 PM
Just wanted to thank JJ for the heads up on this thread. Lots of helpful info in it. My parents, sisters, and I have plans for when the situation reaches the point where action needs to be taken. Fortunately, we haven't reached that stage yet, but the race is on to get all our personal ducks in a row for when the time does come. Just so we'll all be better prepared. We've all already been through this with my mother's parents so we know what steps NOT to take. I will definitely bring many of these ideas up though. Thank you everyone and thank you JJ for starting this thread on a subject so many try to deal with alone.
 ~1happywoman~
Joined: 9/20/2006
Msg: 60
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 4/4/2008 10:50:48 PM
Erika, they may be very close to their parents, but see things differently. Where my mom expects me to stay and do her bidding until she dies, I've told my children that when I can't take care of myself, put me in a home and don't think twice about it. I absolutely refuse to put the burden of care decision on them. By then, I hope they have their own families to take care of, and that should be their priority.

Having been in home care for many years, and dealing with elderly people and all sorts of different situations, sometimes people are not physically or emotionally equipped to provide care. My own sister would be in that group. So, you don't have to even try to explain it to them.

(I do hope you have a plan in place in case something happens to you! How will their needs be met if you are laid up in a hospital?)
 Just JJ2
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 62
Caring for our parents......update.
Posted: 8/7/2008 5:48:22 AM
Well..... just when things were nice & quiet..... Back to the hospital I go. Dad called... mom was admitted this AM. Here we go again......

Thought maybe this thread needed to be ressurected in case anyone else needed kind words or support.....

Will update.....

Thanks for the nice emails!!

Janice
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 63
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 8/7/2008 9:02:32 AM
First of all you have nothing to be guilty about(I do understand the OP is gone, but this is true for anyone going through this).

Good for your dad. He is one of the great ones. I think it would kill him a lot faster to have your mom in a nursing home. She is the reason he is living.

It would be good if they would allow someone to come in and help, but if they won't, leave them alone and let them enjoy whatever time they have left together.

Your parents are very lucky people, please stop suggesting that your dad put his heart in a nursing home. I think that is just cruel.
 Just JJ2
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 64
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 8/7/2008 4:47:05 PM
Hi bc and thanks for responding.... the OP's not gone.. IM the op lol.

Thanks for your kind words.

Well after today we have two options. They are transfering her to a hospital where they specialize in agressive PT. Im hoping this will help in getting her on her feet... Literally.

Dad is pretty resigned to the fact that this is the last chance saloon and either he has to pay for 24 hour care in home ( and actually KEEP them because he has let go of them all...) OR long term facility because we have exhausted every other avenue to keep her home.... ( at this point their quality of life is down to zero)

This thread helps me to vent..... ty for "listening"

Ps... my dad is THE great one... They just dont make men like that any more.
 Just JJ2
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 68
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 8/9/2008 10:22:25 AM
Hi all thanks for the posts... I love them.

Well.. dad did it again.... took mom home. Now they are waiting to hear from the agressive therapy facility......

Shrugs... I hope they know what they're doing.

Keep the posts coming.... seems we are all in the same boat.

Hugs

Janice
 JJ IS BACK
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 69
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 1/28/2009 4:49:12 AM
2 years later I find it's only appropriate that I come back and give all the posters a very sad update...

My mom passed away yesterday,1.27.09 @ 3:30 pm.

I went back and read all the posts, and realized what an important thread this was for all of us "kids" who have to watch our parents age, deteriorate and deal with heart break.

Im not sure the reality has set in yet that I wont see my mom again, or hear her voice, lol and even hear her nagging me.... but what I DO know is that she isn't suffering anymore. There will be no more needles, doctors, hospitals, therapy, medications.

I believe that she is with her 7 brothers and sisters, her parents, and all her friends looking down and watching after us.

My concerns now turn to my dad, for those who have read the thread, was in LOVE with this woman, my mom, for 58 years. I am now afraid for him.

Anyway, as I said I wanted to come back and vent a bit.... now Im off to the funeral home to make the arrangments.

It truly is the most sad day of my life.....

Janice
MOM
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 71
view profile
History
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 1/28/2009 5:11:56 AM
Janice, I too echo Miss Rosebud! My condolenses to you and your family now. Your Daddy is most fortunate to have you with him at this time. I lost my brother a couple of months ago and relied heavily on my siblings to get through. It wasn't easy as it never is when you lose someone you love dearly. You are a strong lady though and will heal in time. All the best to you.
 Malley
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 72
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 1/28/2009 6:17:56 AM
Oh Janice, I too am truly sorry for your loss. I know how difficult a time this is for you. She has indeed been reunited with her loved ones, and they're conceivably all enjoying a big old family reunion.
Rest assured, she hasn't ventured far. She will always remain with you.

It is very difficult for us 'kids' to witness our parents inevitable decline. As much as we're aware the inescapable looms on the horizon, it's still the most painful journey to travel with them. Take pride in the fact you were able to accompany her down this road. She may have fought you at times, but acknowledge the undeniable, she appreciated all you did. Take comfort in that.

I realize your father is frail and will require a good deal of your focus from this point forward, but please Janice, don't neglect yourself !!! You need to grieve and replenish you own energy stores in order to keep on providing support. You're not indestructible. Be sure to treat yourself with the same kindness and tenderness you've afforded others. When it's all said and done, who will care for the caregiver ???

Thank you for updating us.
You're never alone. You have all of us and we're here to support you. If you ever feel the need to talk or rant ... you know where I am.

Again, you have my sincerest sympathy.
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
 Beemerbabe62
Joined: 11/13/2007
Msg: 73
view profile
History
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 1/28/2009 7:39:07 AM
Dear Janice, I am so sad to hear that your mom passed away. My deepest condolences are with you and your family. Yes, your dad will certainly need you and just being with him will bring comfort knowing he isn’t alone. Being together for 58 years is certainly an accomplishment for your parents. Remember that love never ceases.

May you look to God for comfort during this difficult time and take the time to grieve. I will be praying for you all.
 JJ IS BACK
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 74
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 1/28/2009 9:31:32 PM
I cannot thank all of you enough for all of your kind words!!

Although most of us don't know each other.. it's times and threads like these that make you realize how close we actually all are when it comes to emotions and common troubles.

Today was a very surreal day to say the least. Like floating in a bubble... going through the motions of picking out all the things you need to do for the "arrangements", yet not quite letting it set in that all these "arrangements" are for your own mother..

One moment you are thinking clearly, distracted, being very efficient... and then out of no where something triggers the wave of uncontrollable sadness.

I am thankful for reading your posts and to know that some of you have experienced this same thing that I am going through for the first time.... and that its OK to lose it now and then.

Tomorrow is the wake.... Tomorrow is also my birthday. ( Actually today is, as it is now 12:29 am). I'm tired yet cannot sleep.

Thank you all once again!! You have no idea how comforting you have been!!!!

Respectfully,

Janice
(mom )
 Malley
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 76
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 1/29/2009 6:26:02 AM
One moment you are thinking clearly, distracted, being very efficient... and then out of no where something triggers the wave of uncontrollable sadness.

Janice, honey, you have to realize that you're likely exhausted and presently running on adrenaline. You're able to go through the essential motions because somebody has to. You've taken on the advocator role and handling unpleasant circumstances and providing necessities for your family has become second nature to you.

You've also started to grieve. You've described it perfectly as it does come in waves, Don't fight it. Don't be the strong one for once. It's ok to be upset, to be angry or to cry, alone or with your dad. His mind is occupied with his own grief and doesn't see how anyone will possibly miss her as much as he does. It'd do him good to realize how much you and others do and will as well. It has a way of relieving the loneliness and isolation one feels after a loss.

I asked my mother why she was so upset, as she'd only known my father for part of her life whereas I'd known him for all of mine. Then again, I do have a dark sense of humour at times.

As odd as this sounds, try to enjoy the wake. It's an opportunity to listen to others speak of your mother and relate stories of how she touched their lives. There was a side to her that you never knew. Sometimes we forget there was more to our parents lives than us. She was also a sister, friend, confidant, cousin, aunt, grandmother, neighbour etc. This is an opportunity to get a small glimpse into your mom's past. It's also a part of your history too .. a portion of the legacy she leaves behind. Treasure it.

I hope the next couple of days go smoothly for you. It's not easy to say our final good-byes to those we love. As sick as someone can be and as much as we try to be and think we're ready, no one is ever fully prepared to do this.

We all grive in our own time and in our own way. There's no right or wrong method. There's no way around it, you have to pass through it. You can't rush the process as it has it's own timetable. The important thing is that you allow it to happen. It's only then that you'll be able to move forward in a positive productive way.

This is your first time. Focus on how fortunate you are to have had her for so long.
 kbodley
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 79
view profile
History
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 1/29/2009 11:19:14 PM
As someone who is also in somewhat the same situation, I can only offer these suggestions:

First, I have found that there are times when my parents offer resistance to something that is obviously in their best interests - and yet when I have taken a strong stand, they eventually give in and in the long run they will admit that I was right. I think this is the point your father is in. You realize that he needs help - so stand tough and make the right decision. In the long run, you both know it is the right thing to do.

Second (and of course I realize that I'm about to contradict myself), there are some times when you will suddenly remember that they are adults - so while we may not agree with their decisions, they are adults and can make their own decisions.

Finally, you need to find someone that is not your SO, or a family relative, or anyone involved in the situation that you can talk to.

Good luck! This is a really hard part of life!
 JJ IS BACK
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 82
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 1/30/2009 12:10:35 PM
Once again I want to thank each and everyone of you for ALL your emails, posts, kind words and gestures that you have shown me during this time.

Some of you may have missed the update above, being mom passed away Tuesday 1/27/09, and the funeral was today. She chose to be cremated. I can assure you this will be a birthday (mine was yesterday), that I will never forget.

I cannot believe this thread is as strong today as it was 2 years ago. I am glad I created it. I see there is such a need to share info, share stories, suggest ideas and basically just let all of the "sandwhich" generation know that we aren't alone!!

Malley, Diane.. and the rest thank you once more!!!!

You are all very special people!!

Hugs
Janice

mom
 JJ IS BACK
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 85
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 1/30/2009 6:15:08 PM
thank you so much Joanne.

And although my situation has changed a bit.... now that mom is gone. I need to care for him, try to convince him to come back to Staten Island and live out the rest of his days here with his family.

Please lets keep this thread going for everyone else!

Janice
 JJ IS BACK
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 87
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 1/31/2009 7:57:00 AM
Update.. ( even I cant believe it)

Woke to a call from my sister, telling me that she is bringing dad to ER.
His leg is 3x the size and black.... ( Im fearing a blood clot which he is prone to, and JUST told us he fell last week while lifting mom out of wheel chair).

It doesnt end.......
 kbodley
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 88
view profile
History
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 1/31/2009 8:26:10 AM
Janice, I have been catching up on posts this morning, and am sending my condolences your way!

I have three suggestions to send your way;

-- It seems that in every family there is one person who is the one that always steps up to the plate and carries the lion's share of the load. This is often because no one else thinks to offer, and the heavy hitter just doesn't want to ask! If you are the heavy hitter, ask! If you are not the heavy hitter, don't ask what you can do - look around - figure out three or four things that you could do and then offer to do those things!

-- If you are the heavy hitter in your family (which it sound like you are), allow yourself time to nurse your own wounds! Ask your family, friends, and co-workers to give you opportunities to rest and grieve. My cousin, who lost both parents and her oldest sister in one year, shared that her best friend came to her office every Wednesday at the end of the day and they went for pedicures at a spa that offered wine and cheese with the pedicures! She said that for the first three weeks she fell asleep in the pedicure chair - but it was the only hour of the entire week that she was completely relaxed! What a good friend!

-- Allow your father time to heal and time to grieve, but once the initial healing and grief period is over, for a few months, schedule family and friends so that he has something to look forward to every day. After my aunt passed away, my uncle was talking to my mom and he said, "The kids all come for Sunday dinner each week, but Monday through Saturday is really lonely." For most men, their wives are their "social secretaries" - my uncle, who was always the life of the party, just didn't know how to go about extending and accepting invitations!

Bless you Janice! You are a good daughter! You are an amazing woman! You are a worthwhile person! You have a wonderful outlook on life! (By the way, these are the affirmations you should be telling yourself every morning! )
 janice_is_jj
Joined: 2/23/2011
Msg: 90
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 3/9/2011 8:12:59 AM
Hello everyone.. it's been a while since I have been here, and wanted to stop in and check on everyone see how you all are doing.

My dad just turned 84, aside from some balance issues so far so good. He still refuses to move closer to me, but thank God he has a wonderful supportive neighbors that really go above and beyond to help him out.

Please share your stories and get this thread going again and join forced to be help to others who have elderly parents...

xoxo Janice
 foffeefifo
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 91
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 3/9/2011 4:25:46 PM
Janice it's not just parents we sometimes have to care for, in my past I uprooted my life to care for someone everyone had abandoned and 20 years later, right now, I've went and done the same thing, leaving a wonderful circle of friends, family to care for a dying brother who was the black sheep in the family and everyone turned their backs on.

Probably makes me the sucker of the month and just a martyr, been accused alot of that lately and I just refuse to accept these blanket assumptions I'm a willing doormat. Every human being has the right and dignity to face death with another person at their side... no judgement should be made if they are worth it. No judgement should be made upon me that I am addicted to drama and love being the center of a sob story. Makes me ill. Why can't I just have a good heart?

having started my life over here as he approaches death, I'm also kinda appalled a few people I started emailing/phone call friendships just disappeared off the radar when I disclosed I was really lonely, friendless and isolated. ( I live out in the backwater boondocks, truly very isolated area, closest decent hospital is 65 miles away, one strip mall shopping center for 65 miles too, lol). At Christmas time, I emailed everyone I had met here, wishing them happy holidays and one guy did admit that he found my loneliness and isolation a huge red flag and that was why he stopped writing to me. It's really hard starting your life over again at my age, I am caring for another so don't get into social situations, can't meet people at work, not into organized religion to visit the 600 churches around every corner. People really think something is wrong with you because you are all alone!!!!!!
 janice_is_jj
Joined: 2/23/2011
Msg: 92
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 3/10/2011 9:50:40 AM
You're situation doesnnt make you a sucker.. it just makes it unfortunate considering where you live because of your choices.

However this thread was really to help those with ageing parents and the burdens and heartache that comes with that. Not so much of what most of your post discusses... your lonliness and abandonment. I wish you luck and your brother peace.
 janice_is_jj
Joined: 2/23/2011
Msg: 94
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 3/10/2011 2:49:16 PM
Hi Shelly at the time I started this thread , as you can read i was in great dispare. I agree this type of venting board is very important, because we are the ones who can empathize with our peers who are going through this... coupled with the fact that we are the "tween" generation where we have to take care of both our parents and our children.....

What I wanna know at this point is.. lol who the heck is gonna take care of us.. because i see a lot of selfishness out there amoung our young... sighhhhh


J
 foffeefifo
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 95
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 3/10/2011 3:03:17 PM
rene thanks so much for understanding----kindness and acceptance from many nice people here has been so helpful, it truly is much appreciated and does alleviate some of the overwhelmingness of all of this. Yes,, and do be very gentle on yourself, you do deserve it.

i'd like to add i encourage anyone in this situation even if it isn't necessarily with parents, to seek help from hospice, being a caregiver for anyone is challenging and filled with mine fields they can help defuse for you.
 AlienHumanHybrid
Joined: 10/31/2014
Msg: 98
Caring for our parents......
Posted: 11/22/2014 1:00:31 PM
Old thread, but thought I'd add.......

We may perceive that a difficult situation is bad for a person -such as when an elderly husband wants to care for his wife as much as possible -but it may be what drives them on, gives them strength (even physical stregth through exercise), purpose and peace of mind. If one were to leave everything to strangers, they might feel guilt, worthlessness, and sit around idle worrying about how their loved one is being treated.

They lived how they wanted to live -and would likely do it exactly the same way again.

I have looked after relatives who were fiercely independent -and saw that it was actually of great benefit -even if some aspects of their lives were not ideal.

Independence and the comfort of the life people build is very important. Even if another situation is better in many ways, it doesn't mean it will translate to happiness or better health.

At some point they will need assistance, and independence can become unhealthy or dangerous. This can lead to a struggle with them for their own good -which should be avoided unless absolutely necessary.

One can feel guilty if they respect their loved one's independence -or can't supersede it- and something bad happens.
Then they can feel guilty for becoming exhausted or seeing to their own needs.
All one can do is their best -we owe our parents care and honor simply because they are our parents, but burning ourselves out or ruining our lives in the process doesn't help anyone.

I don't think anyone does it perfectly -or that it is even possible -and it's not wrong to consider your own situation.

There are forums for caregivers to discuss things, find comfort and exchange information about resources which are very helpful.
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