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 AUTHOR
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 765
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?Page 13 of 50    (10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50)
The question posed was "Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits", and there have been several reasons that make a reasonable amount of sense cited. No one has said that women who don't care for that sort of thing HAVE to accept FwB dating. So why the uproar?


That has been answered many times already. By making sex easier for men to get, it lowers the bargaining value of that golden koochie. And so, when a woman who has sex, experiences the hormone rush and intense feeling of gratitude that comes in the afterglow, interprets it as falling in love, and is then disappointed when the man does not reciprocate, she feels used, like a slut, like she traded away her most precious asset for nothing.

Maybe men do have it easier. When we get rejected, it's typically just a visual and a fantasy that we lose. We don't have to go through the wide swing from intense gratitude to the grief of actually knowing what we'll miss--unless of course we take a risk on a woman we don't know well, fall for her, and then get dumped afterwards. But we're used to rejection, so even then it's just another scrape against a pretty thick callus for us.

Y'all might ask why it is that the callus is so thick that many men can not only disregard their own disappointment but yours as well. How do men get to such a place of such seemingly inhuman indifference? But that's another thread.

In a more relaxed climate, men can more easily move on and do. This makes it more likely that a woman who equates sex with commitment will experience such grief. And so, women who are OK with casual sex or even FWBs are seen as traitors. If the GK girls can make other women feel badly about it they will--to save themselves and their loyal sisters that grief.

Can't say as I blame 'em. If I thought I could get everyone else to avoid doing things that might indirectly lead to my feelings getting hurt however badly, it would surely be worth a try. But, I could hardly blame anyone who chose not to accede to my agenda.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 768
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/29/2008 5:18:38 AM

Daisypetals: What an inarticulate conversation to have with a 32-year-old man. He sounds as if he is 17. Bizarre.

I couldn't agree with you more.

This man / your son isn't mature at all,, He is judgemental just like you.
He has has a double standard as well, and apparently doesn't think much of him self or others. For example, he can call a woman a slut for sleeping with him, yet he is no better. There is such a thing as a male slut., you know.. What happened to the concept of Respect, or telling tails, talking about your partners with other. The bar scene hasn't changed in years, a little more free may be, so what, good for women who choose what they want to do. However in most cases, that is not where a LTR starts and at 32 your son hasn't figured that out.

Your conversation with your son has nothing to do with FWB. If that is how you view it as well, you might want to consider what friendship means. Just an example, your son wouldn't bring a certain woman home to meet you.. Well then, what kind of friend is he or she.. FB or one night stands. BUT NOT: FWB as most mature adults see is.

I mentioned in other posts I have /had FWB. I wouldn't be ashamed to have her meet my friends or my son. Even if I slept with a woman for the first time, If she is good enough for me, then she is good enough for my friends. Your son is living such a double standard. He really needs to take a good look at the man he thinks he is. Not only is he using women, yet these women are not stupid either they know what they are doing as well..but he has no clue.

Matter of fact, rent some movies you say, I would suggest, try living in the real world, you may want to suggest to your son, romance starts with respect. Romance is a natural thing, it's supposed to be real, not like TV. Romance has no motive, has no agenda. Romance in part, is understanding a woman or a man. Your son has no clue about women, he has no clue about being a man either.

FWB is about being friends, and the benefits are not always sexual, it's about being there for a person in their time of need, it's about enjoying each others company, it's about building a friendship that will last, it's about respect for that person, even if we happen to disagree, it's all about cultivating friendship. I would suggest, friendships sometimes leads into LTR. But even when the sexual part ends, we still have a friend. I see nothing wrong with that concept..

This is just my opinion..
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 770
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/29/2008 8:22:24 AM
My poor darling son...such a spoilt boy. I didn't spoil you when you were growing up. How did you turn into this? I guess those overly indulgent girls out there.

You taught him that there are women who are sluts and women who can keep their legs crossed til the wedding night... then, from what I hear,all too often those legs get crossed again.
"Did you know there's a food that paralyzes a woman from the waist down?"
"No kidding?! What is it??"
"WEDDING CAKE!"

I don't have any kids, but as the eldest child of a couple of workaholic parents, I functioned as an adhoc parent to the rest of them.
But by age 32 my kid brother was a married man. And he's still married to the same woman. ( they were actually married on MY birthday,what a wonderful birthday present!)They have 3 kids( all planned).
Don't blame "friends with benefits" for your son's warped view of sex and marriage. A healthy attitude about sex comes from parents and family, not so much the peers.

I also want some grandchildren from you.

Well I hope that happens but it sounds to me like you raised a player,and I am so sorry to have to say that. But I gotta call it like I see it.
Cindy O
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 771
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/29/2008 9:13:17 AM

"Did you know there's a food that paralyzes a woman from the waist down?"
"No kidding?! What is it??"
"WEDDING CAKE!"


That's too funny, fortunately I never experianced that,, however I do have a few friends who are experiencing a sexually paralysed marriage.. too bad too,,

OT
I would choose a mature open minded woman any day, who has the ability to say, this is what I need, want and desire, because it is this woman who has experianced life in so many ways, through love, pain, life's challenges,, she has not become bitter by it all,, but rather in-lighted, experianced, yet graceful enough to say, all men are not pigs, she understands our needs as men, and as man I would like to say I would understand hers as well.

Personality, it's those with relationship issues, sexual issues, personal issues, who can not understand FWB. It's the mature man and woman who can communicate there interests, desires, without playing a games, it's there friendship, that has been confirmed by genuine honesty, without the air of deceit as so many seem to think or believe.. But rather it's the trust we have in our friendship that might bring some of us to a unique, yet exciting new level of friendship.. call sexual benefits with a friend that we do have an emotional bond with,

I would prefer FWB any day,, than going to bars or any where else to get my sexual needs met,, because in doing that,, the truth is, it's really not rewarding, it's emotionless, because sex is just an act,, and for me, my hands can to that..

For me I would choose a friend, not for sex,, but rather because that woman is my friend.
 Wrdpainter
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 772
view profile
History
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/29/2008 10:00:06 AM
Wow, what a controversial post. I just kind of had a question to put to both the guys and the gals.

First stating that FWB is good for some people, not for others. So if its not for you, then just say no, and if it is, be happy. Its not for me, but I have many close friends that it is okay and we all get along just fine.

But here is my question,

Say you believe in FWB and you meet the girl/guy of your dreams. They also believe in FWB. You are madly in love and are going to marry. How comfortable are you around their Friends they had benefits with? Would you welcome them as friends? Would you have trust issues if you guy/gal went out along with a prior FWB? Would you expect them to stop being friends with them? Would you hide it from your partner that they were a FWB? Honest answers only please.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 774
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/29/2008 10:20:53 AM

Say you believe in FWB and you meet the girl/guy of your dreams. They also believe in FWB. You are madly in love and are going to marry. How comfortable are you around their Friends they had benefits with? Would you welcome them as friends? Would you have trust issues if you guy/gal went out along with a prior FWB? Would you expect them to stop being friends with them? Would you hide it from your partner that they were a FWB? Honest answers only please.


This is how I answered a smilier question in the forum


This mans point of view,, If I happened to find miss Right,, and she had a male friend who she used to have sex with,, and is now her friend still,, personally I would be fine with it,, jealousy will destroy any relationship,, therefore if I didn't trust miss Right,, what would the point be in being in a relationship..I would think trusting your partner is one of the key elements to a healthy relationship.. Why can't men and woman have friends of the opposite sex


Yes I would welcome her friend, as I would Know she would welcome mine..
I would not hide anything, why would you want to, we all have a past, for better or worse we all have one.. These are some of the most important things in any relationships that we are in.
Trust, Honesty, Respect , Communication,,just to mention a few,, without them all will fail, that I guarantee you..
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 775
view profile
History
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/29/2008 10:22:33 AM
Personality, it's those with relationship issues, sexual issues, personal issues, who can not understand FWB


Sweeping generalization..and not true...I have none of the above thank you..and just as those who are ok with FWB's shouldn't be ridiculed or called names..those who aren't ok with them shouldn't be either...

I really don't care what anyone else does, I am allowed to express why I don't like them, though...but, I am tired of being told I have a problem because I don't agree, nor think they are good ( for men or women)...from MY worldview, MY value set, they promote the easy way out...get your sexual needs met, and have some company, but none of the real work required to maintain a romantic relationship...and my personal concern would be that if it becomes the norm..it could destroy the whole concept of romantic love, family and emotional bonds...and I, for one, don't think that is a good thing for society..

It can be couched in all the flowery language anyone wants, it is till just basically a nicer and probably safer way to get sex than the old one night stands or FB's..and I wouldn't care , because there has always existed people who just need/want sex, and not the love or committment...EXCEPT..that it appears that a whole lot of people ( more men than women, in my experience) are promoting it as the new ideal realtionship..that should replace the more traditional, love, romance and sex as a cohesive group..

And, still, as I said before..I am quite sure that the OP was not referrring to these rare instances where it grows out of an exisitng friendship..she was talking about the attitude online by many men who are actively seeking these..described as FWB's..and really, what they mean is all the fun parts of dating ( sex and doing stuff together) , but, none of the responsibilities or more unpleasant parts of women or realtionships...and, personally, I just can't see that any other way than catering to the physical and the hedonistic...it's about pleasing oneself..not anyone else...and I don't see that as a virtue..

I doubt they will ever go away...and it really doesn't matter...but, what I don't want, is for it to become the only option..and for everyone to fall into this PC sense of sex for sexes sake, and easy relationships are the better way to go...

Because, though it is an easy way to get some needs met, it certainly isn't a situation that allows for much personsl or emotional growth in romantic loving relationships..and here is the big fear:

If one gets in the habit of going for this kind of relationship all the time, partly because it is easier, how will one ever learn how to deeply love someone and be part of a LT couple? You learn by experience..I just am not an advocate for making things so easy that one never learns from adversity or how to love , even with all the hard or bad parts? It is a stagnate way of living , IMO.

And for the record...I have not always thought this way..I am no where near close/narrow minded, rigid, bitter or anti pleasure and sex...there was a time in my life where I would have thought this sounded great..it is amazing how one's perspective changes as one experiences life, and gets older...and learns what the consequences are for ones choices...

I don't want/need sex so badly that I am willing to compromise my belief in love and living happily ever after..I will wait for the fireworks and the love..and certainly be more satisfied overall in the end....
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 776
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/29/2008 10:24:04 AM
Hey DP,

I couldn't quite gather from the conversation what part of your argument I didn't get right. You said I'm close, so could you please help me fine tune my understanding in a more direct way? Then I think I can give you a response that honestly addresses it from a man's perspective.

All the rest of you, please don't bash DP. Sure it's fun to give as good as one gets, and the little slams agains both women and men who misbehave in her eyes have been as unpleasant as they have been incessant. But neither she nor anyone else will learn anything by your insulting her son or her competence as a mother. All it will do is back her up and then it will be even harder to see what is and isn't useful in her position.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 778
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/29/2008 10:34:07 AM

Say you believe in FWB and you meet the girl/guy of your dreams. They also believe in FWB.

First off, it's not about BELIEVING in FwB. It's simply recognizing that they exist and have their place in modern dating. I think most of us here would like to be in a genuine relationship or marriage.
But there might be times in our lives where developing a full fledged relationship is impossible or unwise.
I would much rather see a lonely,horny recently divorced or widowed person get intentionally involved with a FwB, knowing that they were not healed enough to form a healthy relationship but not wanting to deny themselves of the comfort of a reliable friend with benefits. Or should they LIE to themselves and the person they are interested in, and attempt to create a relationship,even though it may fail in health? Or maybe they should go pick somebody up in a bar? Or suffer in silence. Understand I am not denying that BOB, and Mrs Palm, aren't outlets, but it seems to me that if more people who were recovering from grief, from a failed relationship, or in a transition( relocation,changing careers, caring for an ill child or elderly parent,for some examples) were open to an FwB rather than trying to force another "serious" relationship,until they'd cleared their head, or worked thru the transition, we might not see so many relationships go smash because they were either rebound or too demanding for someone dealing with another life issue.

Would you have trust issues if you guy/gal went out along with a prior FWB?

If there were trust issues about anything, I wouldn't be planning to marry the person. I'd worry more about a guy who'd met a need for "real" sex with some divebar Dumbelina, or by getting into a relationship because it was the only way to get reliable sex.
Cindy O
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 779
view profile
History
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/29/2008 10:44:29 AM
I have a number of good friends that ended up being married to women that I dated and had a relationship with.

It can be awkward if you let it, but also can be very workable if all involved can see that who they are with, are the ones they want to be with. I respect them as friends and past relationships, but nothing more.

There also have been some former "FWB's" that have moved on with their lives and either married, or are in relationships with significant others, and they remain "casual" friends and nothing more, since we knew each other in other ways.

I guess for me, at least, it all depends on the "heart" thing, and where each of you are with feelings and emotions. If one is still attached to another with feelings, then you have problems, but if you are free from those emotions, you can move on.

Hopefully, in a real "fwb", both will move on, because both might care but never allowed the "L" word to enter the mix.

Just my opinion........
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 780
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/29/2008 10:45:28 AM

And, still, as I said before..I am quite sure that the OP was not referrring to these rare instances where it grows out of an exisitng friendship..she was talking about the attitude online by many men who are actively seeking these..described as FWB's..and really, what they mean is all the fun parts of dating ( sex and doing stuff together) , but, none of the responsibilities or more unpleasant parts of women or realtionships...


Z,

I think you hit it on the head. This is exactly what the OP was referring to. Both the ones who use FWB as a euphemism for NSA, and the ones who mean it.

So let me ask you this. How would you recommend that men deal with the unpleasant parts of women--not to mention the dangerous and damaging parts? And what responsibility do you think that women might have for managing those aspects of relationships themselves? --if, as you claim, that's what most women really want to have. They might believe that's what they want, but are they willing to put in the actual work that is required to deal with men as men?

You see, there is a lot of suspicion out there among men, some of it justified, that women just don't see men as human beings who are equal to themselves. Many men these days suspect that women see men as success/security/service objects, aren't really all that interested in our well-being--except insofar as it serves their interests.

That suspicion comes right out of the sexism of the 50s, which went both ways. Feminists have roundly criticised the sexist view of women as sex and service objects. But the men's movement hasn't been very clear about the flip side. Nevertheless, the suspicion is there and growing. And there are enough confirming stories around to keep it alive. If most men want FWBs, it's because we don't really trust women all that much.

So, these days, if you want a man for an LTR, you're going to have to demonstrate to him that you are trustworthy with him, that you see him and love _him,_ not his potential or the potential benefit to you that he appears to provide. You have to be clear with him and yourself that if it comes down to a choice between his well-being and your continued possession of him and his assets, that you'd choose his welfare and do just fine without him.

If you aren't willing to do that, why should a man commit to you for the long term?

So, the difference these days between the "marrrying kind" and the "kind you have sex with for fun" is just that--will a man be safe with you, or are you going to work him for the rest of his days?

That's a high bar. Much higher than it was for women in the 50s, whose men expected to be worked to a certain extent in exchange for sex and service. But if you aren't prepared to meet the current standard, you can't expect a self-respecting man to stay with you for long.

And before you all start jumping up and down and screaming about how of course you're ready and willing to meet that new standard--stop and think. If what you want is "happily ever after," my guess is that you have no idea what I'm talking about.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 781
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/29/2008 11:01:54 AM
One more time.
It's not about 'believing' in FwB. It's about acknowledging that they can be a valid option in dating....PROVIDED that the friends part is pretty much equal with the benefits part.

I do not support men who "ask" for FwB when all they want is a "booty call".

I do not support men who argue, cajole, belittle, badger women to get sex on a first or 2nd date. I don't care what name they put on it...that's just juvenile.

I also do not support the notion that women who will have sex without a wedding ring or other binding committment are "ruining" things for women who think sex is the only motivation for a man to committ. Do you realize how insulting that is to men? It implies that the only way to lead a man anywhere is by his d*ck. I don't know about anybody else, but I want a man to be committed to me because he likes what's between my ears,not because he's desperate for what's between my legs.
Cindy O
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 782
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/29/2008 11:09:09 AM

Personality, it's those with relationship issues, sexual issues, personal issues, who can not understand FWB



Sweeping generalization..and not true...I have none of the above thank you..and just as those who are ok with FWB's shouldn't be ridiculed or called names..those who aren't ok with them shouldn't be either...

Notice I said personality,, that means my opinion...

then you said this:

and my personal concern would be that if it becomes the norm..it could destroy the whole concept of romantic love, family and emotional bonds...and I, for one, don't think that is a good thing for society..

Take note again,, you said "personal concern",, therefore I relate that to personal issues,, issues can be good or bad,, depending on your view,


It can be couched in all the flowery language anyone wants, it is till just basically a nicer and probably safer way to get sex than the old one night stands or FB's..and I wouldn't care , because there has always existed people who just need/want sex, and not the love or committment....

That is far from the truth,, those of us might want to live life,, instead of waiting for the right person to fall in love with,, it may never happen for some of us,, yet we can share some sort of emotional bond with a friend..




EXCEPT that it appears that a whole lot of people ( more men than women, in my experience) are promoting it as the new ideal realtionship..that should replace the more traditional, love, romance and sex as a cohesive group..[/qoute]
Do you think,, well as a man,, I have been approached by at least 15 woman who wanted FWB, yet what they were really asking for was FB.. That is my experience, and I'm just one man..


If one gets in the habit of going for this kind of relationship all the time, partly because it is easier, how will one ever learn how to deeply love someone and be part of a LT couple? You learn by experience..I just am not an advocate for making things so easy that one never learns from adversity or how to love , even with all the hard or bad parts? It is a stagnate way of living , IMO.

Who said it is easier, friendship of any kind takes work, matter of fact, one must or should become friends with a long term partner.


I just am not an advocate for making things so easy that one never learns from adversity or how to love , even with all the hard or bad parts?

I'll bet there are countless reasons why men and woman choose FWB.
But to say,, some of us never learned to love, or know how, all I can suggest to you is you have no clue.. because there are many of us who are windowed, and choose FWB for our own personal reasons,, and it has nothing to do with not knowing how to love or what it's like to be in a long term relationship ,, I would think we know all to well,, that is why we refuse to settle,, that is not saying we don't care for our friends, male or female,, it's just we have not found the one who we truly connect with on all levels.

Because, though it is an easy way to get some needs met, it certainly isn't a situation that allows for much personsl or emotional growth in romantic loving relationships..and here is the big fear:

You seem to miss the idea of friendship first..that dose allow for emotional growth,, as for romantic love making I agree,, however, there is some emotional connection/bond. Not as deep as I would like,, that is why I'm still single,, because i won't settle for anything less than a bond of two loving souls, that said I would expect the woman I was with not to settle either,, settling would be an injustice to both of us..So we choose to live life the best we know how, at this stage in our lives, therefore we choose to enjoy live and not wait for true love that may never happen again..


I don't want/need sex so badly that I am willing to compromise my belief in love and living happily ever after..I will wait for the fireworks and the love..and certainly be more sattisfied overall in the end....

And that is your choice .... good for you..
Some of chose a different path,,
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 784
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/29/2008 12:56:06 PM
Ginandorange
Hey,sh*t happens,don't beat yourself up. The friends with benefits thing DOES mean you are friends in settings other than having sex. That's what seems to keep derailing this benighted thread...those that have been offered "FwB" that was actually just booty call or a one time hit and run. In my own experience, FwB was NOT a result of being pressured for sex on a first or 2nd date. In fact, the one involvement that always seemed to be the closest to a genuine FwB(not a FB or booty call) I don't think we ever went out on a formal date. Technically speaking we were colleagues, I guess.We did stuff together,( a couple of times we got mistaken for husband and wife, even! LOL) At that point in my life, I was in a transition, and as a completely practical matter, did not have the time and energy to put into a "real relationship". THIS is what I mean by FwB. NOT a guy badgering for sex on a first or 2nd date, and getting pissy if he doesn't get it. Nor do I mean "I'll call you when I'm horny,if you aren't available I'll call the next number in my little black book." Friends with benefits ARE friends. But they realize that they probably aren't ever going to be a "couple", and they can live with that.
Cindy O
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 786
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/29/2008 1:47:11 PM

How comfortable are you around their Friends they had benefits with?


If the benefits part is over, very.


Would you welcome them as friends?


Probably. But I assume people aren't petty and and possessive, too, until they give me reason to think they are. If they were real friends, each other's happiness would be important to each.. so seeing him happy should make her happy.


Would you expect them to stop being friends with them?


No. Unless she was expecting him to fall for her and be with her... which isn't a FWB, really. More of a lying to herself deal there.


Would you hide it from your partner that they were a FWB?


Impossible to answer yes or no. If I were asked outright, then no, I wouldn't hide it. I am one of those people who believes that my sexual past is no one's business and theirs isn't mine. I wouldn't tell a BF how many men I've slept with before him, but if he were to ask point blank about whether or not I'd had a sexual relationship with one of my friends, then I would be honest.

That was more than one question, by the way. Heh.


Personality, it's those with relationship issues, sexual issues, personal issues, who can not understand FWB


That's just wrong. Plain and simple. People view their sexuality.. what they will and won't do all sorts of different ways and for all sorts of different reasons. Implying someone who wouldn't ever engage in an FWB is flawed somehow, is as bad as implying someone who would engage in such a relationship is flawed.

Neither is true... all they are is different. And we're ALL different.


it appears that a whole lot of people ( more men than women, in my experience) are promoting it as the new ideal realtionship that should replace the more traditional, love, romance and sex as a cohesive group..


Maybe some.. sure, but from what I see here in this thread... those "promoting" - myself included aren't promoting at all, rather we're saying that this works for us at the time. We may feel this is a good way to operate, but like everything else... it certainly wouldn't work for all, nor should it replace anything for all.

I think you'll find that people will always want what they want. Being in a romantic LTR relationship, married, FWB, One night stands... and on it goes.


but, what I don't want, is for it to become the only option.


Realistically, I doubt VERY VERY much that FWBs will ever become your only option. No matter how many people engage in them.


Because, though it is an easy way to get some needs met, it certainly isn't a situation that allows for much personsl or emotional growth in romantic loving relationships.


Not always.. I've had one turn into a relationship even though neither of us wanted that at first. We'd been totally honest, but somewhere along the line changed our minds.

Also these things aren't totally void of emotion. Think about how emotionally invested you are in your friends for a second. It's not the same as emotions invested in a BF or husband, but there's still emotions involved.

Regardless, though.. if it's not for you, it's just not. You're not generalizing or anything, but knowing what I know about my situations, I'm just sharing info.


If one gets in the habit of going for this kind of relationship all the time, partly because it is easier, how will one ever learn how to deeply love someone and be part of a LT couple?


Well.. that's easy. I've been in love before. I've always been able to tell.

I theorize that people who have FWBs must be masters of compartmentalizing.. I know it's bang on in my case. I've been in 3 long term relationships and was insanely, madly in love with each of them.

It's not as if I forgot how to have romantic feelings. They still manage to knock me on my a$$ when I get them.. and I love that.. even more so when I'm ready for it.

And Zangie, I gotta say.. I freaking LOVE reading and replying to your posts! It makes for great discussions when someone can disagree and discuss without resorting to condescension and insults.

Good on ya!
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 787
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/29/2008 7:23:07 PM

I taught him to respect women. He is quite popular with the ladies and they love him back.


Sorry, but reading that conversation, your teachings obviously went over his head.

Also, he is not a representative of his ENTIRE age group.. to think he is.. well.. that's lunacy.


As my son says....there are girls he respects because of the way they act...and there are girls he really doesn't respect because of the way they act.


He's acting the same way as the women he puts down though if he's having sex - no strings - with these women. He's the pot or the kettle the way he tells it.. and it doesn't matter which because we know the rest of the saying, don't we?.


Just like I have done with this thread. It is to make some people ponder and take a look at what's going on besides what happening with their heads in their azzes.


The above is infinitely hilarious coming from you. You pinpoint a few samples... only one with regards to your son... as a basis to speak to what's actually going on in the world. That's kind of ridiculous.

When you throw out this "to take a look outside their own azzes" advice around, but then do not really do so yourself, you negate your arguments. Not your opinions, of course, but trying to show us the world would work a whole lot better if you didn't use the tiniest of samples.

Why do you think magazines and news shows, for example, open up the floor to people to call or write in with their opinions? Who swallows.. or is even interested in a few or even ONE person's experience? When the pool of respondents is bigger, it can at least carry a little weight as being representative.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 790
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2008 5:44:30 AM

Sorry to say to all of you "older" people....like rdnorm...
This is what the younger generation thinks like. I taped my conversation with him.
I must say that I don't like where he is either. What can I do. Apparently, in the twenty-something this is quite prevelant.
I asked...and I got.
Straight goods.


Dasisy, I have to disagree, I think when your in your twenties. Young men and women need to experiment with life, learn as they go. I think most do a pretty good job of it. Times may have changed some, but the concept hasn't. I also think they grow up to fast, the issue there is, it's caused by society, what is expected of them. That another topic..

I have young nieces and nephews, some friends of mine have children in their twenties,, I'm a pretty open guy. I never hear them talk about the opposite sex like your son does, and he is in his thirties. I see them with their girlfriends, and they treat them with respect, as they do adults my age.

So no, How your son acts is not the norm, This shouldn't be about your son,, but you did pull him into this topic. by the way,, your conversation with him had nothing to do with FWB. He was talking about his FB who he has no respect for, at the same time he can F... them, and then go talk trash about those young woman. That in it's self is pathetic. and immature for a any man to do, especially in his thirties.. That aundesirable trait didn't happen over night.

"In my opinion", he is the type of guy who gives men a bad name, I would say, later in life when he gets married, his wife will be abused by him in many ways, not because he wants to,, but because he doesn't know any better, and that is a shame. Respect of other people is not learned overnight, it's a quality that is taught, some times by words, but more importantly,, by the actions of his parents and the adults around him. I also believe respecting others and ourselves, comes from within, knowing we need/want to do the right thing.

That is just my opinion, based on my experience with many young adults and children, as I have worked and trained many young adults, over 30 nieces and nephews watching them grow up, seeing their interaction with their peers and older adults. Yes even offering my opinions or suggestions, You know what the nice thing is, I'm respected for that, because most of the time they see me live by my words through my actions..

It's also my experience, that all men and women are not alike, most are good, most want the same things as you and I, to be happy in life, to find love and share it with their partner, among so many others, If some one chooses FWB it's their right, they should know why, if they don't, as life goes, we shall learn from our mistakes hopefully, but as a mature man and woman, I would think those relashionship mistakes will and should be less frequent.. FWB doesn't work for eveyone, but for those it does ,, good for you..
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 793
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2008 8:10:44 AM

You are quite nasty, aren't you? Not married, no kids....hmmmmmm....can I make some kind of judgements on you??????

You can make any kind of judgements you want. I was married for many years to good man who died...and he never badgered me for sex before I was ready, when we were dating.
You are the one screaming about being harrassed and badgered for sex on nearly every date. I don't run into that.
And I learned something very valuable from a couple of FwB relationships. I learned that I can live my life very well without a husband or "serious" boyfriend". Therefore it's pretty hard for dishonest men to manipulate me by dangling a false hope of committment. If one does, I can shrug it off with a minimum of heartbreak because I haven't manufactured a fairy tale in my head.Some of those early dating situations where I did let MY OWN imagination lead me into situations where all the guy wanted was a booty call, when I was thinking it could become a relationship, were valuable learning experiences. Because I took responsibility for my own mistakes instead of blaming the men for them.
Again, to the topic "Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits"? I suspect that there ARE a fair number of men who are misunderstanding the true FwB concept,confusing it with f*ck buddy or booty call involvements. A TRUE FwB has a useful place in today's dating&romance scene.
Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 797
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2008 9:54:47 AM

FWB's???

Used to be called MISTRESS.

What???
I thought mistresses are taken care of, given gifts, money and what not.
Anytime I have had a FWB thing going on the most that might be paid for is lunch (dutch) or a round of drinks when we hung out.

Actually, a mistress was someone a man had an ongoing sex based relationship with,usually in ADDITION to his wife,though it did occur that a single man might have an ongoing relationship with a woman he chose not to marry for whatever reason. Generally, if she did not have her own career, he might provide for her. Again that was partly due to the concept of exchanging sex for other things needed for survival,because women were steered towards"careers" as mothers and homemakers,learning a trade, skill or profession( i.e. medicine or law) was not really encouraged. ( At the bottom line, yes it was trading sex for shelter and sustenance!) But quite often, there WAS more than sex involved,there was a friendship/emotional support component. And it was not unknown for a "career woman" to have a lover.
Now, when speaking about a FwB, of course there is no expectation that the man is going to always pick up the tab...you don't always expect your way to be paid by one of your friends, do you? Ideally, it's sort of turn and turnabout, just like doing things with platonic friends.
If there is a situation going on that the man takes you out for dinner or drinks, and then you go to one of your places and have sex,but you never just hang out or do other things together,then it's a FB or booty call cleverly disguised as a "date".
On my late husband's "side of the family" I have nephews over 25 who are married and have children,so don't tell me that DPs son's attitudes are common, or the norm, to the generation. I don't mean to be 'nasty' or unkind, I'm sure that DP thought she was training her son up right but I think she just created a mirror image of her own sexual philosophy.
Cindy O
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 799
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2008 2:12:53 PM

Maybe I'm unusual, but I have never really gone out with any men who were just looking for sex. Maybe it's my age. Maybe it's the men I'm attracted to.
MOST men, if they are single and like you, want to date you. And want to have on-going sex with you. Whether that leads into a long-term relationship or fizzles out quickly - no one can guess that. But everyone usually starts off pretty hopeful, in my experience.

You are absolutely right in my opinion.
What I think happens is,, or it has happened to me,, in that the dating process one or the other, or both realize, and say hey, I don't think we are a good match for that ever lasting comment to each other. We agree that cool. No hard feeling on either side. We talk and agree we do like each other so lets continue our friendship, If we had sex that stop as well.

So you continue that friendship. As time goes on you get together ocassinally, (not for sex) but just to enjoy each other company. Talk on the phone just to see how things are going, see if the other needs anything. I'm in construction so most of the time my women friends need something fixed,, That goes for some of my guy friends too.. So we all chip in to help where and when we can. My point is burning our friendship we each know how the other is doing in the dating scene..

So if no one is dating a topic comes up,,, yet that's right of sex.
It was good before we say,, lets do it again, only without the idea we will not be anything more than just good friends without expectations. ( the discussion is more intense and deeper than what I just described) but that is how FWB has happened for me..

For those who want to jump in and say, a woman is paying me back for some of the work that I do for her,, get over it,, that's not the case, I would have done the work anyway because she is my friend...

Matter of fact, In another post in this forum, I had a wake to go to and had no child care, My friend watched my son, I spent the night, and I slept on her couch.. I guess neither one was horny,, "Kidding"
And this week we are going "trick or treating" with her son and mine,, as friends,, why not share life.
 scinsocal
Joined: 10/20/2008
Msg: 800
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2008 2:44:30 PM
My experience has been when I am so busy in my life and a male friend and I have an attraction, but no desire to be in a relationship. It is physical.

On the other hand, I have never had a one night stand. They always seem to come back... LOL
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 802
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2008 3:04:35 PM

that 'they are looking for that because enough women are willing to agree to it, that they've gotten used to getting no-strings sex'.

Now that just makes men sound like spoiled children, or badly trained dogs. And again "Friends with Benefits" is NOT 'no strings sex'. There have ALWAYS been men who will try to get sex for as little genuine emotional investment as possible. But to say they are ALL like that, and that women who don't feel compelled to put a "committment" price tag on their vaginas are to blame,simply degrades all men as nothing but walking hardons looking for the path of least resistance.
Not saying that 'friends with benefits' is a bad thing, I just choose to NOT live that lifestyle-for me personally ;-)

and that's fine, nobody here is trying to abolish marriage and committed relationships in favor of FwB. But do not BLAME "friends with benefits" for your own lack of sucess in creating the kind of committed relationship you want. Chances are, you just haven't yet met the guy who wants to be a part of all your life.
Cindy O
 scinsocal
Joined: 10/20/2008
Msg: 803
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2008 3:33:18 PM
And why is it that so many people on this site seem angry?

This is just conversation/chat. Nothing is set in stone and no on has control over another persons thought. We are all just sharing here right?

 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 804
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2008 3:54:35 PM
I'm not particularly angry...I just don't like to see men portrayed as scoundrels who will only "step up" and offer a "real" relationship if he can't see any other way to get sex.
The problem is, many of these women who believe in " I have the p*ssy so I get to run the show" really don't LIKE sex. So once she has the relationship "secured", the legs go crossed again.
Which leaves women who LIKE sex, and would like to have it as a part of a meaningful relationship,but who don't care to get nekkid and get it on on the first meeting, to be tarred with the same brush... just another woman who uses sex as a tool/weapon.
And there seems to be an almost WILFUL "misinterpretation" that FwB is on demand, no strings, first date sex. I'm assuming that everyone here is over 18,and the lack of reading comprehension some have displayed just baffles me.
Cindy O
 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 805
view profile
History
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2008 4:10:59 PM
Well those who are looking for FwB want to "feel" they have intimacy with someone without all that messiness that comes with committment.. and notice I said "those" cuz this goes on both sides of the isle.
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