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 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 807
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?Page 14 of 50    (10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50)

Well those who are looking for FwB want to "feel" they have intimacy with someone without all that messiness that comes with committment..


Let me suggest this, I'm a man, who can have an intimate conversation with a woman who I am "NOT" having sex with, I can also do the same thing with a male friend who I am "NOT" having sex with. Therefor intimacy is a bond between two people where you have the freedom to express yourself with out being judged, also in those intimate conversation you value the opinions of each other, That is part of friendship,,

Now take that friendship, to a different level,, yes you can have sex . make love with a friend, I would say, it isn't at the same level one might what to have with your true partner in life,, but why should a man or a woman give up those intimate moments with a friend if their is no significant other in their life,, There are some say we should,, then why not just lay down and die,, It's human nature to feel a closeness with someone, male or female,, It's a nice feeling to wake up with someone who you made love with/sex and not feel used,, it's a nice feeling to wake up and start your day sharing coffee and possibility spending the day together doing some thing else. Intimacy has may hats, and it's not just making love or sex..

Just think of this, how many married couples do you know,, they tell you things they can't tell their spouse,, interesting concept isn't it,, what happened to their intimacy, or they are not making love/sex,, what happened to that intimacy,, I'd say,, if a man and a woman are comfortable as friends and have sex, they have intimate moments well before any sexual activity takes place.. hence FWB,, and some times better than a marriage..
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 808
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2008 5:26:02 PM

I'm not particularly angry...I just don't like to see men portrayed as scoundrels who will only "step up" and offer a "real" relationship if he can't see any other way to get sex.


Thank you!
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 810
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2008 8:09:29 PM

You are quite nasty, aren't you? Not married, no kids....hmmmmmm....can I make some kind of judgements on you??????



Hate to make you sound unintelligent...does this have anything to do with the post?


You never attack? Hmmm.

Those are only 2 examples, really recent.
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 811
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2008 10:27:36 PM

If you have a habit of thinking that way, then I really don't think you are credible at all.
I have NOT attacked you personally YET. I have attacked the idea of FWB. Get with the program.


Actually, DP. That was an attack. And, you have constently made disparaging remarks about women who are open to more options than you allow yourself.

Perhaps you aren't aware of the extent to which your remarks come across as direct or indirect attacks, which might be why so many of them have drawn angry fire. Just sayin'.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 814
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/31/2008 9:32:00 AM

Stay on subject if you want to be credible. Here is the original post.

And your interview with your son was on topic,, I think not,,
daisy, I think most of us did read OP question,,
This is one point that stands out..

am curious to know why so many men are now looking for the term frequently used by them as "Friends with Benefits".

Most men are not looking for FWB, OP, is confused what FB and FWB are.

While I realize this is for a non-commital issue on their part, how does one sleep with a person and have no feelings for the other person?

Again OP, is confusing FB with FWB. There is an emotional attachment and connection, it's called friendship.

What ever happened to getting to know someone, dating and building a relationship?

Again confusing FB with FWB, we have dated, we became friends,,

Just curious how others feel about this.

Those of us are suggesting to OP, that is question is not valid in they it's presented, because OP is describing FB, not FWB.

I would really like to meet someone nice, to date and possibly build a relationship with but so far not having much luck other than with men wanting "Friends with Benefits".

I think most of want the same thing.. However, sometimes FWB works, because we still want to live and enjoy life, instead of waiting for life to happen, or pass us by.

Any suggestions why? Thanks to all.

That is the most important question,, therefore we are suggesting...

I not going to defend,, Ren,, but I think what he meant was,, if a woman wasn't interested in sex, that wasn't a woman he would be interested in,, i happen to agree, I'm a very sexual man,, and I refuse to get in a relationship with a woman who has hang up about sex, or she is going to use sex as a reward,, i have seen my friends deal with that crap,, I never had to,, so I refuse to start,, and i think that is what Ren meant,,
Ren, if I'm wrong forgive me speaking for you.. I just had to give my point of view.

Daisy, i believe you went and read others profiles, so you could comment on them, I think that is wrong,, because what they write in there profile has nothing to do with a any forum, that in it's self get personal..

As for CindyO I think she did a hell of a good job expressing her thoughts about FWB, while maintaining men are not just out for themselves, pigs,, etc.. and using women for sex,,
Thank you,,

Just my opinion.
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 815
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/31/2008 10:01:39 AM
Just like you people have attacked my views which I can debate with on this forum. But, personally means attacking myself and my own....and I just think it shows how you people can play dirty in a forum discussing points of view regarding a subject. Stay on subject if you want to be credible. Here is the original post.


DP,

You cannot accuse me of this. I specifically asked people to refrain from attacking you. So when I tell you that you have gone on the attack yourself, you can best believe that that is how you came across.

Your views are always subject to debate. No one has to accept them as anything other than your own. You and I both know the difference between respectful disagreement and spiteful ad hominem.

I'm still wondering two things:

1) The nuance that you said I'd missed a while back when I talked about the sexism inherent in the GK mindset and how it promotes misery among women and men.

2) What it was I was supposed to gather from the transcript of your conversation with your son. Was there some point to that? Or did you just open yourself up to all that grief for nothing?
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 816
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/31/2008 11:19:06 AM

I hope you realize men arent entitled to sex and women arent obligated to have sex with men,just because she might not want sex with him doesnt mean she is using her vagina as some sort of weapon, maybe she just doesnt want to. She does have the right to say no.

I realize that more than you give some men credit for,, this is not the place for this topic, what cindy said in other forums in not my concern.

I agree men have a right to say know too,, I have..

As for a man or a woman who say no to sex, they have there reasons and I have no clue what they might be, because I'm not in there relationship. However I have heard this many times spoken by women suggesting to her man, in public,, if you don't do this or that, your not getting sex tonight,, fortunately I have never had that said to me,, because if was,, I'd say see ya,, your not going to control me with your P*ssy,, However, because I was in a great relationship,, I never had to deal with the crap so many seem to have endured, whether it's sex, verbal abuse, mental abuse,, I guess I'm lucky in that way,,back to you point,, I respect woman, and who they are, until they prove otherwise,, I don't expect respect in return,, I have no issues earning it as long as that woman doesn't confuse me with her past,, and start comparing before she knows me.. How this relates to the topic FWB, in part it's a respect that we earn, therefore it's one of main ingredients to a healthy friendship, male or female..

My point was earlier,, if a woman had issues with sex, or was not interested in sex as part of a normal relashioships , assuming there were no issues,, myself I would not be interested in a LTR with her,, friendship sure,, but that is far as I'm will to go..
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 817
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/31/2008 11:36:31 AM

with all her nonsense about women using sex as a weapon and a tool, what she is basically saying is men are pretty lame ducks who are so pitiful that they can be controlled by whats between a womans legs.

Yes I'm sure that happens,, It's also pretty sad there are some woman who will offer up sex to get what they want,,or they feel used in the end because things didn't work out the way they expected, like going on the first date, expecting a guy to call,, (sure he should} but really don't know a persons integrity on the first date now do we,, instead of taking some responsibility for their action, that type of woman would rather blame a man and call him a pig.. etc etc,, I'm sure your read some of those forums,,,

so yes some men and woman both have issues, I would like to believe it's the extreme and not the norm..
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 819
view profile
History
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/31/2008 1:37:31 PM
(((am curious to know why so many men are now looking for the term frequently used by them as "Friends with Benefits".))))

((((Most men are not looking for FWB, OP, is confused what FB and FWB are.)))

Dude, what a load of work to embarass yourself. She DID NOT SAY "MOST" she said "so many" that could be 10% dude to people who think 1% would be a lot. Do you communicate like that to all people men and women?'

Oh is Ren on his soapbox again? Woo Hoo. Some things never change. Oh

yeah, the OP...I do find it a strange idea FWB....I can fall in love and have good sex, or I can have kinky one nite stands....there isn't much in the middle for me though. Thats just me, not every guy (for anyone who was going to act like that's what I said).
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 820
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/31/2008 2:03:19 PM
oylam,
your just here to pick on certain words are you, as well as people, good for you,, and those who have been following this forum I'm sure wouldn't have taken offence to a misplaced word, that I may have made a mistake in using,,, , some, most, all, a few, nearly all , so many, abundant, alot,, a great deal of, this list is endless,,, get over it, and your righteous self..,

OT, you have the right to choose, where you stand on FWB,, me I'd rather not go for the one night stands as I think it's rather shallow and impersonal, that's just me, not every guy , but I guess we do have the extremist,, like oylam,, and that's OK too..
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 821
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/31/2008 2:09:20 PM
Thank you wildcat,


I thought I read that some where,, but i do make my mistakes...





OT, FWB,, isn't for everyone, but if you open yourself up to the idea of having male or female friends, and your honest with your communication,, wonderful things can happen,, no it's not as fulfilling as a LTR,,but it does have a way of making you feel like your apart of something bigger than your self,,, sharing with someone you care about,, just a though for those who disbelieve, it's all about sex,, as it is not..
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 825
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/31/2008 3:52:02 PM

Just like you people have attacked my views which I can debate with on this forum.


Your views maybe, especially when they seem to "force" you to insult people who have another view entirely.. not YOU. Although, it's very obvious that you do not know the difference.


CindyO...get with the opening post question. That is what I have always stayed with.


Glad you think so. Those of us with eyes know better.


While Cindy is trying to defend these men, with all her nonsense about women using sex as a weapon and a tool, what she is basically saying is men are pretty lame ducks who are so pitiful that they can be controlled by whats between a womans legs.


Huh?

I see a bit of demonizing, I suppose regarding women who DO use sex as a weapon, but considering that the men who let them are getting demonized, too... I fail to see the problem. Some women DO use sex as a weapon... it ain't nonsense and examples can be found in numerous threads.

So are we supposed to be soft on manipulators now? Or scream OW WOE IS THEM for the easily manipulated?


I do not like what he is about and his thinking right now. But, if that is how it is out there, then he has to function with what it is like out there.


I'm sorry, but to me that implies he's got no will of his own and has to follow along because "everyone's doin it". That mentality is almost WORSE than some of the things he said and thinks.


He says that's the way it is with everyone. He's adamant about this. He says whoever that believes that this is not the way it works isn't out there. Are they just sitting around on their computers? (laugh).


He doesn't know better than to speak for everyone, though, does he? So EVERYONE is having FWBs... married folks, long term couples, etc... Everyone, huh?

Come on.


Like it ..or not..this is from one man's viewpoint.


FINALLY! Ahhh yes. ONE MAN's... and for a while there, I was sure you were trying to posit that EVERYONE except us dummies and whores thought that way.

Whew...
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 826
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/31/2008 4:55:59 PM

ladyc, I wasn't blaming anyone. I said I choose to be 'choosier'. I do agree with many posts on here in regards to relationships and such....I do know of some men(i never once said 'all') that are only out for 'that' and that's it!! it's more of a sex buddy(not FWB)....I was speaking ONLY of FWB and that I choose to not exercise that...that's all...really simple..and me, I'm not mad at anyone..I happen to LOVE men ...so IF u are directing at me, just know that. As for meeting the right guy, that all happens in 'time'...it has nothing to do with FWB...FWB is a topic in and of itself...I had experience in this arena in my younger days, I do know what it's about ;-).

No, my comments were simply posted to the thread as things I have heard. I'm not trying to "promote" FwBs, "abolish" committed relationships,or suggest that anyone enter into any kind of sexual interaction that they do not feel 100% good about. The FwB involvements I had just turned out that way,we enjoyed each other's company and having sex,we helped each other with stuff but it was quite clear to both of us that we would not have made a good longterm couple.


Cindy...


sure that DP thought she was training her son up right but I think she just created a mirror image of her own sexual philosophy.

You know, you lose your credibilty when you get into being a nasty..(oh..did I say that before?) ****. Do not EVER blame anybody for what their kids sometimes end up to be.

So then how come it's OK for you to take another poster to task about the example he's setting for his daughter? And I'm just calling a spade a spade,as you have done( Oh wait, I'm one of those nasty women who says FwB relationships have their place in the overall scheme of things, so maybe I'm not entitled to voice an opinion??)


CindyO...get with the opening post question. That is what I have always stayed with.
You have this dream-like idea that it's ok to do so with a lovely friend who is there in everyway. Good for you. That sounds like marriage and love to me.

No, the opening post MISCALLED FwBs...they are NOT a code word for "hit it and quit it", f*ckbuddies,or any other kind of "no strings" sex. Now, DP, I can believe that you get a lot of guys hitting you up for sex, because your intense desire for a serious boyfriend or husband is radiating from you like a beacon, and there are men,for a variety of reasons who WILL try to play that angle for all it's worth.
As for my "dreamlike idea"...it was neither a dream or an idea.It really happened. He was not particularly lovely and he couldn't always "be there in every way." Love and marriage with that particular FwB? Not a chance. He was a good FRIEND,the sex was great,but hell would have to ice over before I'd marry him.

Just read her posts about women using sex as a tool and a weapon against men. I hope you realize men arent entitled to sex and women arent obligated to have sex with men,just because she might not want sex with him doesnt mean she is using her vagina as some sort of weapon, maybe she just doesnt want to. She does have the right to say no.
As for the legs closing up after she has secured the relationship nonsense, women usually dont just quit having sex with their partner for no reason.

I'm simply relating what I've heard many many times from divorced men,and what I've read time and again on the fora.I demonize no one, nor do I suggest that women do not have the right to say no. I'm simply trying to explain ONE reason why men are so anxious to do a "sex test drive"ASAP. And I do not deny that there are damaged or just plain disrespectful men that just want to play "get the goody and run".
[qote]By the way, this isnt entirely a female thing. Ive had a man who suddenly lost interest in the sexual aspect of our relationship. At first i thought hmm, maybe this is some kind of control issue. When he finally spoke his cold hard truth, it was just the fact that he no longer desired me. I could of tried to shift the blame and say he was using sex as a weapon against me, but the reality was..he just didnt want me.
I'm sorry that happened to you.There are men who really don't much like sex, or are ultra fussy about it.

what she is basically saying is men are pretty lame ducks who are so pitiful that they can be controlled by whats between a womans legs

But this is exactly what women who are ranting about FwB are saying,that women who don't demand committment before having sex, are "ruining" things for the "decent" women,that if the only way a man could get sex was within a formalized relationship,men would have to "step up". To me that sounds like some women think the only way to control men is to lead them around by their d*cks.

If a woman is one of those, who operates under the old paradigm, that "granting sex" is a source of power, or must be "earned", the whole idea of FWB is threatening, thus explaining some of the shrill posts attacking it.

My point exactly.

I brought in my conversation with my son to get an idea of what the thinking is out there.
I gave him the rules. I said I wanted total brutal honesty. Not what is politically correct. Not what manners SHOULD dictate he should say. I told him to talk in the most comfortable way with me. I wasn't here to judge him. He could swear or talk in the lingo that was out there.
He was apprehensive at first because he respects me and treats me with consideration and thoughtfulness. But, he also knows that I am a straight goods type of person and when I asked him to be as honest as possible, because it was important to me, he did so.
1.I do not like what he is about and his thinking right now. But, if that is how it is out there, then he has to function with what it is like out there.

You cite one source...I have NUMEROUS male nephews, a nephew in law, and friends sons, in the 23 to 32 age range who are MARRIED and have children... so they aren't ALL just out their boinking the slutty girls and ignoring the more wholesome ones.

He asked if these people had a life.
His last statement was "If I have feelings for the girl in a way that I want to be with her all the time, then I would be with her all the time. If I don't have feelings for her in that way, then it would be a "friendly fcuk" but I am not her boyfriend. She has to know that.

Why is he fvcking women he does not want to "be with all the time?" Isn't that what you have been ranting about for 20 pages? Look,some men could fvck a knothole in a wood fence if it was the right height. They don't HAVE to be in deep undying fairytale love to have sex with a woman. And there are women who don't necessarily put a price tag of "wedding ring or acceptable equivalent" on their sexuality. Frankly, I feel bad for those who have some kind of psychological or hormonal dysregulation that causes them to spread their legs for a couple of beers and some cheap talk.I feel bad for men who've had negative experiences with committed relationships (or just a bad upbringing)who continually try to 4F(find em, feel em, fvck em and forget em) But these behaviors are NOT what Friends with Benefits is about!
Cindy O
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 827
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/31/2008 5:18:11 PM

I asked him if he would get into a real relationship with them. No...and for many reasons. Each reason is different. By the way, he thinks it is a sort of relationship that he has with them.
Is this becoming normal in your world? Yes. More so..in the age 30's group. Why? More divorces, more single mothers, more relationships breaking up. Everyone is scared to try a long term or getting married. They are either getting unmarried right now, have little kids and we (guys) don't want to be "replacement daddy", or they have had a couple of relationships that went for shit and so they hate guys right now except to fvck them once in awhile.
Which made my ears perk up. Say what? Angry, bitter women just want to screw a guy once in awhile just for sex sake? Interesting.


I think that, all things considered, a lot of men see it the way your son sees it. There might be a "Ms. Right" out there, but unlike the '50s, there's very little evidence that any relationship is likely to last a lifetime. So why should we all run around making each other desperate and crazy when we could enjoy what's possible with each other without burdening one another needlessly with unrealistic expectations and overbearing demands (which can go both ways).

The way I see it, a tentative, short-term, FWB, or "dating" relationship is only abusive when there is lying involved. If these young people aren't lying to themselves or each other, what is the harm? No, it doesn't fit the picture we were raised with, but neither do cell phones, computers, or many of the other changes that we have adapted to and come to rely upon.

Your girlfriends were victims. I don't dispute that. And I don't mean to dismiss their misery. I know quite well how much a rejection after compelling sex can hurt. But you know what? The rejections that hurt me most were the ones that I'd set myself up for and placed unrealistic hopes upon. If I'd had any sense I would have walked away from those women the moment I'd met them. But I was operating under some very delusional thinking, and it was my own belief in the stories I'd been told that got me hammered.

That doesn't mean I don't believe in love or the possibility of a lifelong partnership with someone who would be appropriate for me. Nor do I think it is unlikely for others. But I do think that people who are not starving for intimacy are in a much better position to think rationally about who and what sort of partnerships would be good for them in the long run.

Your victimized friends have more options than you let on. They can get with the program, as you advocate, or they can deprogram themselves, as I advocate. Or, they can continue to act out the same way and get the same results. Of the three, I agree with you that the last would be the worst.

I like it that you tell them to get realistic in their thinking about men. I would like it if you also told them to get realistic about their expectations for relationships these days. It hasn't been the '50s for a very long time now, and even though it might feel better to us if the '50s approach still worked, my sense of it is that for many people it no longer does. Your son seems to be saying the same thing. YMMV.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 828
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/31/2008 5:29:21 PM

Where is your thoughtfulness to Opening Post's questions?...
Oh...sorry....Are you still fighting with me?
I slept through most of it...


You willfully twist just about everything said to you. And seem not to know what a bunch of choice words actually mean.

Also.. you have to go way back.. and I mean WAY back.. probably a lot farther than you'd be interested in going to see my posts to the OP.. which.. to paraphrase really quick were "I don't think most men are looking for FWBs". So if you simply MUST assume that I'm here only for you because I am "fighting" with you.. well.. you go on with yer bad self then, I guess.

In DP world.. disagreement = fighting.. Geez, that's not TOO defensive sounding.. not at all.



Lost cause lady... in my head, that's what I've nicknamed you. Hope you don't mind.
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 830
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/31/2008 5:46:05 PM
Brilliant, RM!

You said it much better than I managed to in God knows how many tries. Bravo!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 840
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/1/2008 10:57:48 AM
Now, to me the " activity partner" category here would be someone to play golf with(not ME personally,the only golf partner I need is a BULLDOZER...that's the only way I'll ever get that little white ball in one of those holes! ) or go canoeing with, that sort of thing.
Which only points up the fact that a lot of the discord on this thread has come from different interpretations of common human interaction experiences.

My experience and interpretation of the 'friends with benefits" thing is that the friendship is a very prominent and significant part of the interaction,and that it's just something that works out that way...there is a male/female attraction component,in fact it might start out as your classic dating scenario.
But as things evolve, it becomes apparent that you both enjoy each other's company for non sexual activities as well as sexual ones,but that both of you don't feel the kind of connection that could evolve into a fullfledged couplehood.
No one is telling lies, or pressuring, or sneering.
Nor is it necessary to have a burned out or jaded mindset regarding relationship. Neither party is obligated to reject other interested potential partners, and how "benefits" are dispensed( or not dispensed!) is an autonomous decision for each party...OF COURSE within the bounds of safety, responsibility and self respect. If either person decides to suspend the benefits, for whatever reason, there should be no whining and recriminations.
Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 842
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/1/2008 11:16:42 AM

If one has a FWB 'relationship', what happens when your partner has a serious problem? Such as an illness or surgery - do you simply put the FWB on hold until their problem is over; or do you try to help them with some caring effort? How about when one of the other's kids is in Iraq, say, and they are really worried about the kid's safety -- are you there for them? Or, her car broke down and needs repair; do you help or stay away?

Of course you try to help them! Just the same as a "regular" friend. If you have a situation and your FwB pees out on you, you treat it just the same as if an alleged "regular" friend let you down. If you start thinking that you are "owed" more BECAUSE of the sex,isn't that sorta putting a "price tag" on sexual favors?
Cindy O
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 843
view profile
History
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/1/2008 11:25:50 AM
Hello Everyone..quite a bit has been posted since my last post, and I apologize for taking so long to get back ( long story), but, I did want to acknowledge those who were so kind to respond directly to me...

Ace:



You see, there is a lot of suspicion out there among men, some of it justified, that women just don't see men as human beings who are equal to themselves. Many men these days suspect that women see men as success/security/service objects, aren't really all that interested in our well-being--except insofar as it serves their interests.


Sigh..I don't know how to even respond to this...I have seen this behavior in my life, but, it is rare, and I must admit I see it more often online then in "real" life..There is a difference between seeing a man for what he can do for you, and acknowledging what he brings to the relationship? Like I choose to believe that just because sex ( and excellent at that) is one of the primary desires a man has in a relationship, it doesn't mean I think it is my only value ( except with those who frame it as such...). There is nothing wrong in my eyes in wanting to be with a man who makes you feel safe and secure...security is a biological drive in women, just like sex...I would not choose a man based on this first, or only...but, it is still a consideration...unlike sex is one for men. In my case, it isn't about money per se, just less fear of being hurt emotionally, or having to live in chaos emotionally or financially...I don't need them to support me, I do that already..but, I certainly need them to contribute and enable a relatively stable environment? But, it isn't my only or primary need...



So, these days, if you want a man for an LTR, you're going to have to demonstrate to him that you are trustworthy with him, that you see him and love _him,_ not his potential or the potential benefit to you that he appears to provide. You have to be clear with him and yourself that if it comes down to a choice between his well-being and your continued possession of him and his assets, that you'd choose his welfare and do just fine without him.


Ace...sweetie..really...this is about who you choose...I do not believe most women are this way, anymore than I believe most men are looking for sexual benefits only. But, be realistic, both genders have needs to be met..and they in themselves aren't unrealistic..I have never been with a guy in a LTR for any other reason than I loved him, but, they did have some of the other qualities I admire in men..both genders who behave this way are shallow and immature...but, it isn't the majority...honest. And if men can preach that women shouldn't judge them by their past bad experiences, men should do the same.

And I wonder at that first line...it seems to many men in here that demonstrating they are trustworthy is an insult, and not shouldn't be required..but, isn't that what you are saying women should do? It's not that I disagree...but, so often on the forums, it is said that no one should have to prove anything...and that everyone should just be open and go with the flow..another quality required for the FWB thing, as presented by many men online..."don't question my motives...just do what feels good right now...and if it doesn't work out...oh well..no loss?"..It is a loss for me..can't help it..will address that in a bit...


Notice I said personality,, that means my opinion...


Personality is a description of ones manners....personal means its your opinion? This is where I misunderstood?



But to say,, some of us never learned to love, or know how..


I never said that, or didn't intend to..what I meant was...for the younger generation...if this is what they learn as being the "norm", how does that affect their developing healthy attitudes about love and commitment and LTR's? And if the older generation gets used to the ease of these kinds of agreements...what does that mean too? Not that they can't love deeply and committed...but, why would they now? I also am not objecting to what you do in your own life, or anyone else either, I am objecting to what my experience has been with men online who are looking for NSA sex...no matter how they label it...and why I just can't get with that program..and defending my right to feel that way, without being told "I" have issues?



And it doesn't mean they are stupid, or have been lied to, or have no respect for themselves or all the myriad of reasons cited for FWB.


Wildcat: I am sure that not all are...but, my experience says more are than aren't..and while I have some measure of awe for those women who seem to be able to handle this,..they are the minority..and to be honest, I am weary of attempts to pressure by some of these women and some men to change my basic make up to become this way...because I just can't...gave it shot...goes against how I view sex, love and myself...but, that doesn't make me a demon either does it? Do I have to be forced to become something I just can't deal with, because so many people insist it is the right way or the "correct" way to be..especially now? Who decides what is "right" or "correct"? I am none of the things that the men who advocate this claim I am, because I won't agree...primarily being Ren's favorite...I am trying to lead with my vagina, I'm controlling, or I'm frigid..It just works better for me to have love as at least a possibility, before I get physically intimate...and I don't think I should have to apologize for that? It is true of a lot of women, and has been so a long time..and it is just the way it is.

El Mariachi:


I theorize that people who have FWBs must be masters of compartmentalizing.. I know it's bang on in my case. I've been in 3 long term relationships and was insanely, madly in love with each of them.


I agree with the compartmentalizing...I can't...my mind can..my feelings/heart just can't..I secretly feel guilty I can't..because I can see what the advantages are, and I do admire women who are that self assured and "progressive"...just one of those things I can't change...and I guess I don't want to be thought less of by those who can ...like if I just tried hard enough, or was a better person I could?



And Zangie, I gotta say.. I freaking LOVE reading and replying to your posts! It makes for great discussions when someone can disagree and discuss without resorting to condescension and insults.


Thank you El...I have always enjoyed your posts too...it is just my nature to not insult or condescend to anyone, I make a real effort not to be judgmental, even when I get hurt and angry and it is my first instinct..lol..just the way I was taught...and I hate conflict with a passion ( why I'm avoiding the actual "pissing matches" ..lol)...but, I am very opinionated, and love talking about these topics...especially with those who disagree...I learn that way, and sometimes I change my ideas...or at least modify them..but, I would be foolish to think I can tell anyone else how to behave, or to say I have all the answers...plus, I know what it feels like to be belittled or made fun of..and don't wish that on anyone...

Sorry if this was long..wanted to be sure I acknowledged all those who responded..

Ren: while it is true that some women behave how you say...I don't think it is all...and I would appreciate it, if only once, you would acknowledge that women's motives for when and with who they have sex with, are NOT always about mistreating men somehow, or even about the man at all..could just be what works for them...
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 845
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/1/2008 11:38:42 AM

I secretly feel guilty I can't..because I can see what the advantages are, and I do admire women who are that self assured and "progressive"...


Its an ability that's extremely useful and can (and has) made my life easier a lot of times, but I don't for a second think it makes me a better person. I've thought that it makes me better at dealing with things, but then another argument is that I'm not dealing at all by compartmentalizing.


I am very opinionated, and love talking about these topics...especially with those who disagree..


Same here, but obviously it's way more enjoyable when people disagree the way you have. Rationally and without slamming others.

I mean we're SUPPOSED to be different.. all of us. If we were all the same and thought the same, we'd bore the piss out of each other, right?
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 846
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/1/2008 12:01:22 PM

If one has a FWB 'relationship', what happens when your partner has a serious problem? Such as an illness or surgery - do you simply put the FWB on hold until their problem is over; or do you try to help them with some caring effort? How about when one of the other's kids is in Iraq, say, and they are really worried about the kid's safety -- are you there for them? Or, her car broke down and needs repair; do you help or stay away?

Some times these type of question confuse me. It seems many are truly missing the concept of FWB, and pay more attention to the sex part, and that not what its really about in the beginning or the end,,

FRIRNDSHIP,, is what it's about,, I have known a woman, since my wife passed away, we became friends, had sex, we haven't had sex for 5 or more years and she still is my friend as I am hers.. Yes I would help her out no matter what she needed or any friend matter of fact,, I would do the best I could to do so,,above and beyond what some would consider normal these days.

I get invited to her children's birthday parties, her son is in collage,, he gives me a call when he returns home for vacation,, My friends mom and dad, invite my son and I to thanksgiving dinners, yet their daughter and I haven't slept together in over 5 yrs,,

That is just one of many examples I could tell,, but for those who do not understand what friendship means,, your might never understand the sex part if it should happen,

This is slightly off base,, but ... When I was married, that woman was my best friends, while that friendship was happening I fell in love with her, we we married, she became ill, cancer had an effect on our sex life, I will say, we didn't have any for about a year,, yet I stood by her for two reasons,, I loved her,, and she was my friend.. yes we were married that's just a piece of paper and it proves nothing about commitment,, it's the people that make a relationship work.. therefore, If I choose to have FWB, that woman is my friend, I do love her, Not in the way I loved my wife,, I love a few good male friends,, again not in the same way I would loved my wife, but yet the love of friendship is why I would stand by their side in times of need or trouble..So again FWB is not about sex, it's about friendship taken to a higher lever.. or different level..
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 847
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/1/2008 12:16:57 PM

I am weary of attempts to pressure by some of these women and some men to change my basic make up to become this way...because I just can't...gave it shot...goes against how I view sex, love and myself...but, that doesn't make me a demon either does it? Do I have to be forced to become something I just can't deal with, because so many people insist it is the right way or the "correct" way to be..especially now? Who decides what is "right" or "correct"?


No one should do ANYTHING that doesn't feel right to them.

This whole benighted thread keeps getting derailed by those who believe "friends with benefits" is the same as "no strings sex" "first date sex" "one night stands" "fvck buddies", "booty call". I have had friends with benefits relationships that worked well because I wouldn't try to talk myself into "loving" a guy just because he was a good friend and fun in bed. I do not personally care to practice any sort of completely casual or "no strings" sex. But I don't much care if other women choose to do so, provided they aren't producing unwanted, unloved babies, or spreading disease. For the women who choose to BLAME "non relationship sex" for their own personal difficulties in securing the kind of committed relationship they crave, that's a different issue. The question posed was "why are most men looking for friends with benefits." My guess would be that it's a combination of men who are leery of getting into a fullfledged relationship for any number of reasons,and then the mis conception of what "Friends with Benefits" really IS. It's NOT a guy trying to get in a woman's pants on the first date, and getting insulting or whiny if she says no. That's just trashy lowrent behavior. "Friends with benefits" is not something that is requested and argued for on a first date...generally it's something that just evolves. And if it turns out that the man is there with his d*ck out for the "benefits" but doesn't know you when you need a friend, well, it was just a bad decision you made...control the damage and get on with your life.
Don't put on that "all men are pigs and dogs" Tshirt.
I would THINK it ought to go without saying that a smart woman takes responsibility for her actions regarding contraception and disease control, and doesn't cut her own financial throat to help a "friend with benefits". But maybe I'd better say it, just the same...
No TRUE friend, with or without benefits, would ask you to risk your health,safety,general wellbeing, your career, relationship with family,or finances in jeopardy for their sake.
Cindy O
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 853
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/1/2008 7:02:31 PM

Since I find myself in comitted relationships most of the time I don't feel the need to sleep with my friends.


I'm sure there's something to that, you know. FWBs never really occurred to me until I weaned myself off of always being in a serious, heading-somewhere, relationship. In my early 30s, a couple of things occurred to me about my relationship history and caused me to intentionally avoid them for awhile. Once I'd decided that, however, I wondered what the hell I'd do about my libido.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 856
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/2/2008 4:59:30 AM
[qoute]33.3% fear of intimacy, 33.3% laziness, 33.3% frugality.
That figure, how ever you came up with it, might make sense if your talking about 10% of men that are jerks, but what you seemed to miss is the 90% of men who are nice guys,,

Then again if I'm wrong, and there are woman like you who believe what you said,, why even bother being on a dating site? Is it because that type of attitude repels men from a LTR, that make you feel that way?
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 862
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/2/2008 6:38:40 AM
Kellygrl,,
You may want to go back and read my posts, I am not against FWB,, but what bothers me is statements like this without any further explanation or thought into what she was saying,,

33.3% fear of intimacy, 33.3% laziness, 33.3% frugality.

As a note, I never suggested that men or woman were or are dysfunctional,

It's about friendship that has moved to a different level..
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