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 AUTHOR
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 864
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?Page 15 of 50    (10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50)
To quote do this
then add text in between the two brackets,,
Kellyygrl
yes she is entitled to her opinion,, yet she makes it sound like "ALL" men,, and that is not fair to men..as it wouldn't be a fair statement to say all woman are looking for a rich successful man,, and are withholding sex, or giving sex to get a man.
and how that woman came up with the statistics of 33.3% in not a proven fact,, therefore without proof it's a man bashing statement
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 868
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/2/2008 12:07:49 PM

I am curious to know why so many men are now looking for the term frequently used by them as "Friends with Benefits".


33.3% fear of intimacy, 33.3% laziness, 33.3% frugality.


Oh, now that's FUNNY!Good grief, people! take a deep breath!
Was you sense of humor kidnapped or did it run away on it's own??? I mean
That figure, how ever you came up with it, might make sense if your talking about 10% of men that are jerks, but what you seemed to miss is the 90% of men who are nice guys,,

Then again if I'm wrong, and there are woman like you who believe what you said,, why even bother being on a dating site? Is it because that type of attitude repels men from a LTR, that make you feel that way?

She's probably on a dating site for the same reason I am; because they're freakin HILARIOUS about 51% of the time.!


Since I find myself in comitted relationships most of the time I don't feel the need to sleep with my friends.

I don't think anyone here is advocating that you should sleep with ANYBODY ELSE if you are in a committed relationship. Nor are they suggesting that FwB is "right" and committed relationships are "wrong", or that your dream of a committed relationship be abandoned in favor of FwBs. I personally feel kind of bad for people who won't let themselves look BEYOND FwB,but then again I didn't go through whatever it was they did that scarred them so badly.

For me, the line between "friendship" with benefits and "relationship" hasn't always been that precise. Some are "obvious", but others not so much.

I think this dynamic may be more common than people realize.

There are a lot of people, though, who will insist that everyone "must" at all times be actively looking for marriage, and who will insist that one must find a serious relationship, in order to have a sex life.


I think everyone should be free to have whatever kind of sex life works for them, provided that they are not lying( or using "temporary truths")exploiting or disrespecting those who don't care to participate in their sex life. I think everyone who is out here looking for a relationship or a sex life or whatever, has to realize,at the end of the day,not everyone is going to be 110% honest about their motives or their agenda,so you have to behave responsibly,and not become angry and embittered if your own imagination conjured up a fairy tale that didn't come true.
Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 871
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/3/2008 6:51:25 AM
FWB are fine for some. I've just never found the need for one. All the men I seem to meet want a comittment, so an FWB realtionship with them would just cause too much drama.

The above quote,in a nutshell, is the core issue of this benighted thread.

Apparently the OP and other female posters are running into men who DO NOT want committment or even a regular pattern of dating,but are using the term "friends with benefits" as a clever disguise for first date sex, "hit it and quit it", "fvck buddies", "booty call". These variations on a theme of "no strings sex" are NOT, I repeat,NOT! what a genuine Friends with Benefits interaction is about.

So OK, let's rephrase the question, "why are so many men looking for no strings sex"? which is the interpretation of the OT that makes the most sense to ME, and to the general tone of the thread(80% of women against, 20% for, according to one beancounter respondent).
I have to say I have not run into a lot of this,but then I have not "dated many men" in the overall scheme of things. But I've had short term dating experiences that in hindsight, were pretty much just guys looking to get a little,but I think on some level I KNEW that, so I was never "gutted" when they quit calling. Besides, I enjoyed the sex AS sex, and didn't indulge only because I thought it was a means to get a new husband or a "serious" boyfriend.

However,I've certainly heard enough and read enough to recognize that there are a lot of men out there just looking for a way to give Willy a workout. There are a ton of things factoring into that.
But ONS,NSS,FB are NOT true "Friends with Benefits",and the sex is usually pretty much mutually sought, NOT a guy "asking" for "friend with benefits" and getting "snarky" if the lady demurs. It's not about men trotting out a sales pitch for sex without committment,or using "temporary truths" to get into a woman's panties. A genuine Friends with Benefits is not about the man asking and the woman "giving in".
It's generally a mutual decision. And no, "exclusivity" should NOT be assumed!
Therefore it's prudent to observe sexual safety and NOT let one's heart write emotional checks that reality and common sense can't cash.
Cindy O
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 872
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/3/2008 9:14:38 AM

The thing I find fascinating is that so many especially the women, think that FWB's is somehow an exclusive arrangement....


FWB can be exclusive, if like wildcat suggested,, an honest discussion must be made concerning the arrangement. It's often a good idea to discuss the benefit parts often, as to make sure both people are still on the same page, and the feeling towards one another hasn't changed, or the other decides to enter into a new type of a relationship with someone else..


I think you have a good point here and that's why so many women are against FWB arrangements.


I agree, that woman might be against it for many reasons and that is still her choice,, my point is, both the man and the woman must truly be friends first,, and I think that is where many men and woman seem to miss.


However, its always been my assertion that if you have honest discussions and are both clear about the boundaries and expectations then you can make an informed decision. And own that decision and its consequences. This is not to say that there won't be people who lie

I agree as well, while adding this,, Putting aside the benefit for a second,, wouldn't friends be able to talk about most issues or concerns he or she had about there relationship/friendship, when you can accomplish that first, it's the FWB that would or might become more realistic, no threatening relashionship. Because you have already earned the others persons respect and trust. Then know them for who they are,, therefore eliminating the deception that some man and woman will try just to fulfill a sexual need..

As I suggested in the past, FWB, starts with friendship, and the truest form, not an acquaintance that we might call a friend, not as a neighbor that we might call as a friend, a coworker, A friend who we let them get to know us for who we are without all the fences we all have to protect ourselves from the world, because it's our friends who make life worth living, I would think we choose our friends very carefully, because we give ourselves to them, so before one chooses to become a FWB partner, I would suggest, they know who they are as friends first.. who they are as person, have they earned your trust, have you earned theirs,, etc etc.
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 873
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/3/2008 9:36:40 AM
I am curious to know why so many men are now looking for the term frequently used by them as "Friends with Benefits".


33.3% fear of intimacy, 33.3% laziness, 33.3% frugality.


Interesting assumption. Got substantive evidence to support this answer as "the reason?

Woman are also seeking these types of relationships. It is not exclusive to men. Men are more overt in this area because there is little social stigma attached to males who have these types of relationships (All men are dogs and only want one thing right?).

Women, in contrast, must be more covert in seeking these types of relationships because there is social stigma attached and she would be labeled a "slut"(in the negative sense) if she broadcast that she has or is involved with an FWB, by both men and women. The worst would come from the females because they want to categorize such a female as "unworthy of any normal man" and build themselves up as the ideal.

The question, would be equally as valid if targeted at females.

The reasons are likely many and not necessarily generalizable. My hypothesis is that it surrounds the level of social isolation due to career, education, geography, culture, etc., along with comfort, trust, safety, common interests, and availability. There is an emotional attachment, which some individuals require that is intimate such as philial love, that has added a physical dimension to address their mutual need for sexual release. Masturbation is fine, and yet, it's just not the same, regardless of the wonderful toys one might incorporate.

Sexual release is a human need. When humans do not have a partner with which to express their normal sexual desires, their bodies attempt to deal with the need for sexual release ... we call these regulators ... "wet dreams". They are meaningless outside of their ability to induce orgasm in either gender.

Friends with benefits are much more fun and satisfying than rosy palm or BOB as they also provide and meet the need for human touch, which has been shown to influence well-being and overall health.

It is a shame that we still pat males on the back for their sexual prowess and their alleged conquest making it safe for them to be open about Friends with Benefits relationships and then these same people who pat the male, look on females who take the same liberties afforded to them with derision, categorizing them as sluts, whores, loose, etc., forcing them to be covert and to feel a sense of shame, when no shame should exist.

This is one of the reasons that I am a fan of what has been called "stiletto feminism" or "lipstick feminism". Women who are pushing back against the double standards and asserting their right to be as openly sexual as their male counterparts.

Regards,

ACP
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 875
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/3/2008 3:36:36 PM

The thing I find fascinating is that so many especially the women, think that FWB's is somehow an exclusive arrangement....
The guys or girls that are FWB's are often also having sex with others at the same time... It's like one big pool of recycled sloppy seconds....


They usually are. That's usually the point for most people who do this. ONE partner.. to avoid such things. Generally, people get into these arrangements while actively looking for a longterm relationship, so things can overlap.

If one can be so honest with a friend as to organize such an arrangement, I find it unlikely that they wouldn't discuss whether or not it'd be exclusive, too.


This is one of the reasons that I am a fan of what has been called "stiletto feminism" or "lipstick feminism". Women who are pushing back against the double standards and asserting their right to be as openly sexual as their male counterparts.


So THAT's what it's called!

I'd personally be more open here, if it werent for the blockheads who'll have tons to say. I am pretty open off-line.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 879
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/3/2008 4:48:07 PM
Yep. I can see it now... He has the talk so she won't screw around, then tells her he won't either.... then he goes out and has sex anyway.... It's simply easier and less drama to tell people what they want to hear rather than the truth.


So am I to assume that you routinely lie to your friends, then?

Yet, many guys talk about having sex by the first-third date.... so I'd say there's a lot of overlap because the guy is still getting it on with his FWB....

Gee, how nice, starting a relationship with someone who is still fucking their FWB...
I can imagine how nice that would be. Date someone for a few weeks and they tell you that there's no point in having an STD test for 3 more months because they just fcuked their FWB on the weekend... and it takes 3 months to get past the dormant phase...but hey! We're exclusive now...


Um.. I meant going out on dates. Not sex. Of course, it doesn't matter, you've decided it's all sloppy, etc. already.

I personally don't think ANYONE in FWBs should be sleeping with a new person until they can stop the benefits part. No point in beginning with someone new that you're really keen on with a lie.


I love the assumption there's all these people we can sleep with. Like they're QUEUING up...give me a break...


No kidding...

I guess that's because we're all whores or whatever.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 881
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/3/2008 4:55:50 PM
I think men are looking for FWB because many women are ok with this concept. I believe in the line "People treat you how you let them". So, with that line of thinking, if a woman allows this to be the relationship with one or numerous men, then that is her option. I think we are all free to find the relationship that will work for each of us as we are all in different places in our lives.

FWB does not do it for me at this point in my life. I guess the best way I can describe myself is that I dont share my toys well...............................oh well, I guess that proves I am not perfect..............
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 883
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/3/2008 5:30:38 PM
Awwwwww

I guess the best way I can describe myself is that I dont share my toys well...............................oh well, I guess that proves I am not perfect....

Now here it is,, I'm teaching my son sharing is caring,,but I think those were his words,,
But,, knowing how to play well with other is something I am trying to teach him...LOL

Ok I just thought this forum needed a little humor,,
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 888
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/3/2008 6:33:36 PM
I can assure you that I am not the slightest bit stupid for being involved in an FWBs situation when I wanted to be and that sleeping one's way from relationship to relationship has little or nothing to do with FWBs.

Sleeping around with different women.. is just that.. sleeping around.

It's so god awful easy to totally disregard the whole "friends" part of it, apparently.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 891
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/3/2008 7:25:58 PM
Daisy, we all can find pros and cons for everything, why is it you just can't accept the fact that FWB works for some, and put away your axe,, You seem to want to dispove what many of us are saying works, we are friends, and we are honest with our partners,,as they are with us,,


I must admit I am pleased that they are mostly on the same page as my thinking.
that sound slike a little child saying I'm right I'm right,or I win I win,,, Still what ever "askmen" say, that their openion aswell... again that dose not disprove what many of us here are saying who have been or are in FWB..the would in not as black and white as you might believe, there really isn't just one way that works, when to people are on the same page, then it works just fine,, accept that fact,, it's not about you being right...
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 893
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/3/2008 8:08:27 PM

Yours is still trying to justify why you should expect sex from the first date. The Advice Doc from AskMen.com agrees with you. That's what men do.

I'm only commenting because "That's what men do" that's bull shit.. I don't care what they say,,I'm man, and I don't expect sex on a first date, matter of fact I expect nothing, I do hope for an enjoyable evening,,I do hope I like that woman,, but I don't expect sex, there are many men who like sex I have no doubt,, but there are many of us who respect women, and their freedom of choice, and to have a woman have sex with me because I expect it,, well that's not saying much for her either,, I know,, your going to say, men expect it, but women say no,, hey that's fine..

I'm not sure how all this crap about men came about, but where I come from, or the men I know, don't do this,, that's not saying if two adults deciding to have sex it would be a bad thing, Men do say no too,, I have on the first date, and for my reasons..

I will admit in my younger years, I was always hoping for sex on any date I went on,, but I was always a gentleman,, nor did I expect sex ,nor did I feel a woman/ girl back then owed me anything.

So no it's not what men do.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 895
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/3/2008 9:01:03 PM

The forum thread reflects the majority, you know that. Why fight it? You disputed it and I went looking for answers.


And beyond the delight of sharing opinions and discussing stuff... the majority think matters because?

Are the minority now supposed to shuffle off, tail between legs and mutter platitudes then change our opinions/actions?


When you dispute, all of you who get on their soapbox to attack me, you base it only on what YOU think and do.


I personally have gotten on a soapbox to tell YOU to stop attacking and insulting. Different does NOT mean WRONG. It means different.


YOU are NOT the cross-section of what the majority say and feel about this. That is just plain arrogant.


Nor are a couple of your friends and your son, hate to tell you.


It's all about being naturally a male and naturally a female with respect, thoughfulness and consideration for each other. To get to the know the person intellectually and emotionally. Then sex is the physical expression of all that. That's called making love.
I just naturally fight with anyone who tries to sell me camelshi*t!


Why is it camelshit.. something works for someone else, I wonder? Why is it NOT ok for anyone to poop all over your ideas of love and dating and sex, but it's perfectly fine for you to poop all over someone else's?

I can't figure that out. No one's telling you you're WRONG, but we're telling you there's other ways of functioning and you're pitchin fits and convinced we're all just stupid.


And...gangster behaviour from adults on here....tsk tsk....how childish.


Well, gangster isn't the word I'd have used, but I was kinda thinking the same about you.
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 896
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/3/2008 10:43:46 PM

I don't get why some feel so threatened they have to attack dissenting opinions.


Yes you do. It is a real threat to such women because if women like you "give it up," especially to nice men, it undercuts the power of the cartel.
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 898
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/3/2008 11:54:23 PM
Brave words from a man who can get some. But if you couldn't, you might just be willing to work for it.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 903
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/4/2008 6:27:45 AM
Daisy,, Don't shoot the messanger as you would say,, You can purchase the full report/study if you wish..

FWB is more common place in the real world than you may want to believe,

Abstract Friends with benefits (FWB) refers to ‘‘friends’’
who have sex. Study 1 (N = 125) investigated the prevalence
of these relationships and why individuals engaged in this
relationship. Results indicated that 60% of the individuals
surveyed have had this type of relationship, that a common
concern was that sex might complicate friendships by
bringing forth unreciprocated desires for romantic commitment,
and ironically that these relationships were desirable
because they incorporated trust and comfort while avoiding
romantic commitment. Study 2 (N = 90) assessed the relational
negotiation strategies used by participants in these
relationships.

The results indicated that people in FWB
relationships most often avoided explicit relational negotiation.
Thus, although common, FWB relationships are often
problematic for the same reasons that they are attractive.
Keywords Friends with benefits  Friendship 
Romantic relationships

Introduction
A clear distinction between friendships and romantic relationships
has long been accepted in academic social science,
popular culture, and lay understandings of human relationships.
Recently, however, evidence of a new type of relationship has been identified that neither fits the traditional definition of a friendship nor a romantic relationship,
yet has characteristics of both.

This relationship has become
known as ‘‘friends with benefits’’ (FWB). FWB relationships
are commonplace among American college students
(Afifi & Faulkner, 2000; Mongeau, Ramirez, & Vorell,
2003) and have received much attention in popular media
(Hughes, Morrison, & Asada, 2005).

Existing research has concentrated on documenting the
existence and prevalence of FWB. The current study investigated
why people engage in sexual activity with a friend,
how sex with a friend affects relationship dynamics, and
communication patterns in FWB relationships.

Preliminary Definitions
Definitions of a friendship have typically excluded romantic
love and sexual contact to differentiate friendships from
romantic relationships.

For example, friends like one another
whereas lovers love one another (Brehm, Miller, Perlman,&
Campbell, 2002), friendships involve an ‘‘attraction of the
spirit and not the body’’ (Werking, 1997, p. 30), and
friendship is a ‘‘non-sexual relationship of two people, based
upon shared experience and characterized by mutual personal
regard, understanding, and loyalty’’ (Armstrong, 1985,
p. 212).

Each of these definitions specified that friends are not
sexually intimate. Further, friendship and romantic relationships
also differ on exclusivity. Romantic relationships,
as opposed to friendships, involve a desire for exclusiveness
(Brehm et al., 2002).
Nevertheless, friendships and romantic relationships are
more similar than different (Sprecher & Regan, 2002). Both
types of relationships involve interdependence, trust, enjoyment
of the other’s company, engaging in shared activities,

M. A. Bisson
Department of Communication, Wayne State University,
Detroit, MI, USA
T. R. Levine (&)
Department of Communication, Michigan State University, East
Lansing, Michigan 48824-1212, USA
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 904
view profile
History
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/4/2008 10:52:49 AM

Brave words from a man who can get some. But if you couldn't, you might just be willing to work for it.


I think I am as mystified as I can be...I find this belief that a woman who wants to have sex when she is ready and feels comfortable with it ( regardless of when that is..1st, third, 100th)..is making a man earn it? I think there is some skewed thinking going on..from quite a few men, who evidently have dated some not so nice women..I have NEVER seen it as earning anything...I have seen it as respect for my feelings and comfort level..

I believe ( and feel free to try and correct me if I am wromg), that men often project what they think we are doing, because of their past experiences, or because they erroneously think we have the same thought processes a s they do..waiting, for me, until it feels right, has nothing to do with the man and controlling him..and I wonder if some men are so afraid of being "Controlled" that they practice an awful lot of projection...I have sex when I want to, and not to make any other kind of statement..and maybe part of the problem here is some men are resentful of the fact that they do not have the ability to control my actions and behaviors in regards sex..and they would like to...seems it is wrong for women to be controllers, but, not men? In my time online, I have seen a lot of men try to control me and my sexuality, in a myriad of ways..but, I certainly don't run around saying all men do this, or have any motive other than having sex when they feel like it...I tend to wonder if it isn't men who have set up this dynamic...because of their view of sexuality and how they often view it much differently...they seem to see it as a "prize' more than women do..I tend to think of it as a gift I share with someone I care about..not something they won...

Things are just so screwed up in dating these days..it never used to be this complicated or painful...or accusatory...

To each his own...and without judgement on other peoples choices...

FWB's in any configuration don't work for me..and I wouldn't be honest if I didn't admit, that though I make no judgements about other women's choices...it does make me sad that I'm automatically seen as screwed up by so many men because I'm not willing to make the same choices as the women they do work for...
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 905
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/4/2008 11:49:04 AM

I have sex when I want to, and not to make any other kind of statement..and maybe part of the problem here is some men are resentful of the fact that they do not have the ability to control my actions and behaviors in regards sex..and they would like to


Well, apparently you have a different take on this than Daisy and others who share her viewpoint. To her and them, no woman with any self respect will have sex before the Nth date at a minimum, regardless of what she might want for herself.

We have that image of women because so many women claim it and so few dispute it.


I tend to think of it as a gift I share with someone I care about..not something they won...


Would that more women were like you in that regard.


Things are just so screwed up in dating these days..it never used to be this complicated or painful...or accusatory...


Sure they were. It was just that the proportion of single people was fewer because to get divorced back in the day was an utter scandal that cost women their social standing. Yes, we certainly bicker now. But back then it was far worse. Divorced women were shunned. Now predatory men at least have to pay lip service to friendship.


FWB's in any configuration don't work for me..and I wouldn't be honest if I didn't admit, that though I make no judgements about other women's choices ...


Fair enough and good for you!


it does make me sad that I'm automatically seen as screwed up by so many men because I'm not willing to make the same choices as the women they do work for...


I'm not sure what you mean by this. If you want to make a distinction between your friends and your romantic partners, that seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do. It is also perfectly reasonable to allow yourself more options if that works for you.

You say it doesn't. I say, fair enough!
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 907
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/4/2008 12:18:45 PM

that men often project what they think we are doing, because of their past experiences,

As woman might do as well, but,, this man does not presume what any woman is thinking, wants or needs, each woman is unique in their own way.. Yet experience has taught me some things about the "some" women in general. But those are my secrets..


because they erroneously think we have the same thought processes a s they do

If I thought that was true, I would have no interest in woman,, I think woman have a great thought process,, it's leaning to understand a woman that works in a man favor, as it would for a woman as well,, good relashionships just don't happen,, it's understanding your partner/friend, (man and woman) and some times we come up with an alternative ways of life ,, called FWB..


waiting, for me, until it feels right, has nothing to do with the man and controlling him

as it should be, I don't think anyone is suggesting a woman do what she is not comfortable with, on the other hand because of your comfort level, there might be some men who would say,, I want sex as part of my life,, and I'm not waiting anymore, that is not to say you need to give in,, it's also not to say the man has to wait around either,, by his choice, you must respect that as well...

{quote]I wonder if some men are so afraid of being "Controlled" that they practice an awful lot of projection...
There are some men who can't and won't be controlled by sex, or anything else,, I'm one of those men. Relationships are not about control,, they are about respect, among many other things,,control in not one of them. "Sex is not a tool"


...I have sex when I want to, and not to make any other kind of statement..and maybe part of the problem here is some men are resentful of the fact that they do not have the ability to control my actions and behaviors in regards sex..and they would like to...seems it is wrong for women to be controllers, but, not men?

You and every other person should have sex when they want to, doesn't mean your going to get it just because we may want it.. all it says we as a man or a woman have "control" of our choices,, and that is a good thing.. Did you know that there are many mature men out here,, who do not want to have sex with a woman who does not want to,, we would rather it be mutual,, again, just another reason why FWB works for some people, because of the mutual agreement..


In my time online, I have seen a lot of men try to control me and my sexuality, in a myriad of ways..but, I certainly don't run around saying all men do this, or have any motive other than having sex when they feel like it...I tend to wonder if it isn't men who have set up this dynamic...because of their view of sexuality and how they often view it much differently...they seem to see it as a "prize' more than women do

I'm sure you handled your self well under those conditions,, I have been contacted by woman who just want sex as well.. so your point is...

Last time I checked,, my bed post has no notches,, nor do i have a special draw for panties,, opps my woman friends do not wear any,, "joke"

If though, a man should consider sex a prize that is won,, woman are not fools. In most cases assuming a person is of sound mind.. no one can be taken advantage of,, and if they are, I believe, they ignore the truth and go for the gold instead,, only to find out there is not gold.. so they would rather say,, they were lied to, deceived, on because that man or woman refuses to take responsibility for their action,, Then we have the concept of FWB,, where friends are supposed to honest by default, therefore no one gets hurt, unless some is not honest with themselves, but by default they should be.


I tend to think of it as a gift I share with someone I care about..not something they won...

That's your gift, and it's your choice to do with it as you will,, others can offer the same gift, as often or as little as they feel as well.. But a gift should be given in good spirit, and not with the intent of some sort of pay back, without expectations of the other person,, if that is done,, it's no longer a gift,, sex then becomes a tool,, in this day and age,, many men and woman will walk away from that crap.


( and feel free to try and correct me if I am wromg),

I wasn't trying to correct you, just adding my view..
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 908
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History
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/4/2008 1:31:37 PM
Briefly, because I am at work, and should be doing that instead..lol...


it's also not to say the man has to wait around either,, by his choice, you must respect that as well...


Who says he has too? I haven't demanded anyone wait for anything..I have just run into too many men who don't respect where I am coming from, and who's concept of waiting is to have dinner first?..lol...Not to mention the few who actually physically tried to "convince" me...

Look, all men are not alike...I don't believe that at all...however, I can say with almost 100% certainty..that there are far more men in the online dating world who's only objective is quick and easy sex than there aren't..and even some basically "good" guys who have fallen into the same thought patterns..that is frustrating for those of us who are looking for something a little more substantial... I grew out of the lets just have fun thing a while ago..and whether you guys on here are aware of it or not...it has been a way for some men to avoid healing and moving on...and being healthy enough emotionally for a romantic relationship..

more later...
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 909
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/4/2008 3:01:32 PM

Because they just want sex and not want to have to commit to you.

So am assume friendship means nothing to you,, because we are talking about friendship.


In other words they are just selfish pigs who just want a port in a storm.
In other words, a man or a woman who are friends would rather share some sort of intimacy with their friend, rather than be the port, and the pig that pokes that port.. in a one night stand or FB.... some people just have no clue and are so quick to judge what they do not know or understand..
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 912
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/4/2008 3:18:25 PM

I have a FWB for a different reason. She's a woman me and my friends used to poke when we were younger. Now we go swinging together. We pretend we're man and wife and swap with other couples. Much better this way. I don't have to share anyone I care about this way.

In my opinion, that statement above is what women should base there views and opinions on,, as for his lady friend,, ouch,, So when a woman say all men are alike,, I will remember she must be talking about that guy above,, as I shake my head in disgust..
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 913
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/4/2008 6:13:09 PM

Yep. I can see it now... He has the talk so she won't screw around, then tells her he won't either.... then he goes out and has sex anyway.... It's simply easier and less drama to tell people what they want to hear rather than the truth.
Gee, I didn't think people were so naive in this day and age...

Judging by this thread the "majority" of women believe that men are just lying smooth talking rat **stards out to get as much sex as possible by any means short of forcible rape. So why would they believe a damn thing?
I can only tell you that I personally have not ever had multiple FwBs, or an FwB while in a new relationship that had potential of being serious. But exclusivity cannot be stipulated in a FwB. That said,one would expect that TRUE friends(a KEY principle in a functional FwB)would not risk exposing each other to social diseases.

More men are being a bunch of ****es who can't be a man and say what they really want. They feel that they hafta lie to women to get what they want and that is just not right

Hmm, I can't think WHY they'd adopt such a strategy...???

It's just another way that men get to have no hassle sex.
Did it ever occur to you that it is 2008, and that there are in fact a fair number of WOMEN who,at some point in their lives, may ALSO want "no hassle" sex? Since there still IS a "double standard", the closest women can get to "no hassle" sex is FwB.

Yours is still trying to justify why you should expect sex from the first date. The Advice Doc from AskMen.com agrees with you. That's what men do.

OK, here's what puzzles me, DP. Earlier on in this thread you mentioned having lots of nice dates with nice men, but you keep coming back to this "all men are out to get no strings sex on the first date and they hassle and belittle and argue if you say no." So which is it? Are you dating nice men? Doesn't seem like NICE men would "thump" you for being "so 1950s". It just doesn't add up.
[uote]He's forced to offer a relationship so that he can finally have what he wanted right from the beginning.
Except that smart men are not buying into that so much anymore,from what I hear and see. The honest ones are either finding FwBs or other straightforward ways to meet their sexual needs. The dishonest ones offer or infer that a relationship is in the works, sample the goods a time or two and then find an excuse to torpedo the relationship,or just quit calling.

I don't get why some feel so threatened they have to attack dissenting opinions.
Yes you do. It is a real threat to such women because if women like you "give it up," especially to nice men, it undercuts the power of the cartel.

Well then one suspects that the titanium panties "cartel" must not see men as equal,thinking beings, but rather as walking hardons seeking the vagina of least resistance.If this is the message men are picking up,no wonder they've quit trying to create something meaningful and just go for the quick jolly.

I tend to wonder if it isn't men who have set up this dynamic...because of their view of sexuality and how they often view it much differently...they seem to see it as a "prize' more than women do..I tend to think of it as a gift I share with someone I care about..not something they won...

Well, I would think they had some help setting up the dynamic.Women have been taught for years to "make him buy the cow"...to offer a ring, a promise of committment,in a sense to "win" by meeting or exceeding the lady in question's "requirements", these days it's most often having to demonstrate and prove "serious interest" "willingness to commit". Yes, ideally sex is a gift 2 people give EACH other,when it feels right.Some of us can feel that rightness with someone who is a friend rather than a "relationship prospect",because for any one of a number of reasons,a "real relationship" just isn't a workable option. Hopefully this would be a limited time frame, but I guess I could understand where some might prefer to forego "relationships" entirely, and stick to FwB...as long as they are honest about it and pick friends who are on the same page.

think that some people could benefit from a FWB while they are healing. Rather than jumping into another relationship before they are ready where they could possibly hurt someone else. And I suppose that some men may hide behind FWB relationships in order to avoid healing and moving on, however I also think that if they couldn't use FWB as an excuse then they would just use something else.

Yes, exactly! We probably wouldn't see nearly so many failed relationships if people did not feel pretty much forced to be in a relationship in order to get physical affection and sex. So they create a "relationship",but they are actually "playing hurt",not healed, or not able to give it full focus because of some other life situation,and reinjury and another failure are the results.

too have noticed there are an inordinate amount of men ONLINE who are looking for quick and easy sex

I've heard it said and seen it written, more than one time, that many percieve online personals as the new "pickup bar" scene. Judging by the many "rant" threads I've seen here,written by men who've been here like a WEEK, on the lines of " how dare these online women be choosy!",or "I thought that dinner and drinks should get me sex,isn'that what these online dating sites are about?" I'd be inclined to think those who've remarked it might be pretty close to being right...( which does not mean all decent women should pull their profiles and quit using online dating, but just prepared to re educate, ONE MAN AT A TIME, if need be LOL)

I don't have to share anyone I care about this way.

If you don't CARE about this lady, it's NOT a "FwB", it's just, at best "fvck buddies". Do not further confuse the issue.
Cindy O
 Darxman
Joined: 4/8/2008
Msg: 914
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/4/2008 7:23:54 PM
I don't do Friends With Benefits personally...but given all the crap a decent guy has to go through just to establish a relationship with a woman these days I can see why some guys choose this route.
 meatnpotatoes
Joined: 9/5/2008
Msg: 915
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History
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 11/4/2008 7:30:05 PM
I'm getting a headache...
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