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 janedoexyz
Joined: 1/1/2007
Msg: 103
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?Page 2 of 50    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
mr. dynomite

Very insightful. But, men also look for "mommy replacements" for their kids. They used to advertise in newspapers looking for a wife. Nowdays they look on dating sites and are more subtle about their motive.

Everyone is looking to fill some kind of need.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 109
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/6/2007 6:00:20 AM

Why would anyone want to be with someone who is basically telling them, "You are not worthy to spend your life with me?"

Um...I don't know, because we're not all looking for marriage from everyone we run into. A lot of people don't think in those terms daily, and it's not a personal attack on anyone. Do people really consider spending the rest of their lives with everyone they meet like that? Sounds tedious.

The very reason for an FWB or FB/NSA is that the person/people involved AREN'T looking for a long term, full relationship. It's the exact opposite of a lot of emotional drama and involves people who don't want to be accountable for each other. Therefore the concept of anyone thinking someone else isn't marriage material or accepting that they aren't doesn't come into play - it's kind of the whole point.

Sometimes the people involved aren't interested in a serious relationship and the hassles that come with it AT THAT TIME, regardless of who they meet. They want to stay single, date around, or stay away from the dating scene altogether. The object is to find someone who's just as not interested in dating seriously as you are, and take the edge off - some people don't want to give up sex/companionship entirely but don't want to have to marry someone to have it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 112
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/6/2007 7:49:56 AM

Who said anything about wanting marriage? Not all loving relationships have to have marriage as an end result. I'm talking about love.

When someone's LOOKING for love, I agree - your statement implies that all are looking for that, which isnt really the case. People all have a different definition of love too...some idealise it, some find it limiting, some think it's nice but don't leave the house in search of it daily.

In addition, all of the "drama" spoken of??? Often times, it was the drama that led FWBers down the FWB road. They got hurt and didn't want to go there anymore. And even FWBs have their fair share of drama. Try to deny that one.

Yes, some did get hurt. Some got harassed by an SO. Some didn't like the loss of freedom from an SO. Some have little to no time to devote to a LTR. Some don't want endless phone calls and emotional outbursts from someone they're dating. It all depends on the person...but some aren't reacting to hurt, they're just not the LTR type at all (or at the moment). Period.

About that honesty...The last man I met wanting a FWB had "long term" on his profile. Not all people (both sexes) are honest about what they truly want. I find that to be problematic.

I do agree with this. If you aren't straight about what it is you're looking for and you basically misinform someone to get what you want no matter what it is, it's wrong.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 115
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/6/2007 8:36:54 AM
I'm not sure why you say this. My statement didn't imply any such thing. Not all individuals care to have a marriage certificate. They can remain in a long term very easily without it. The love is still there.

Because it's true. Not all are looking for love...the marriage thing we already discussed two posts ago...how did we get back on that?

I felt your statement implied that all are looking for love, not marriage.
 WhereForArtThou
Joined: 5/13/2007
Msg: 123
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/9/2007 8:34:17 PM
I do NOT profess to understand men, the same way I'm sure we confuse them. But my theory is that "FwB" is sex... with no strings, no attachments, no expectations, and no commitments. Which is perfection for many. NOT ALL... but many.
 h0ldfast
Joined: 12/19/2006
Msg: 124
view profile
History
Don't diss friendship
Posted: 10/9/2007 8:47:10 PM
OP, you've obviously never experienced friendship if you think that it involves no commitment and no feelings. Friends, apart from family, are the most important people in your life, and they often stick around longer and mean more to a person than dates. The dating world is full of games and weirdos and strange expectations. Friends are people you can get to know, and who know you. These are people who are honest with you, even when it hurts, people who truly care about you and value you for who you are, not what you can give them. I wish that more of the women I dated had acted like friends.
 becca210
Joined: 7/26/2006
Msg: 129
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/13/2007 6:37:33 PM
One would think that some of you have PHD's in psychology. The facts state....what facts?
I know you look at things differently when you are 25/30 than when you are 50/60...but
the truth is that some people find this relationship very satisfying. No one has ever approached me and said..."can we be friends with benefits?" It just happens. Sometimes it last for months......sometimes years. My friends are mature men that are looking for an intelligent dinner companion ....it pretty much goes from there. Sometimes sex never enters into it.....sometimes it is prominent. And when such a friend goes to brunch or any social thing with me...he is introduced as my friend........! I dated one man over a year before he ever made a sexual overture. In the meantime we discussed everything you can imagine.
We did lunch and picnics, I cooked, we sat for hours talking. This particular realtionship is 8 years old.....and it is not my favorite. These FWB mean a lot more to me than one man that wants to control me in the name of being his wife.
Just my opinion..
Becca
 wandersmann
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 130
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/13/2007 6:39:00 PM
Friends with Benefits = Being happy and to share. That is more then what most married people do. Being married is like having a rope around your neck that is constantly getting pulled on as the bills come in. I have nothing against marriage as long as it is an agreement between the two people getting married. But being married today is a contract with the devil ( bankrupt state). Why does everybody have this notion that benefits = sex? If marriage was so swell, why so many divorces? More than 60% of all people that stay married are unhappy. So why not be friends with benefits. The rest of the animal kingdom don't get married.
 janedoexyz
Joined: 1/1/2007
Msg: 136
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/13/2007 8:12:28 PM
The right one will never come along with this thinking. Friend's w/ benefits is not about a solid world, it's all about the moment.

That is one of the reasons I don't post a picture. I don't want it about the physical. I have had a date where I was site unseen. He keeps emailing since.

J.
 smartazzjohn
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 145
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/19/2007 8:22:28 PM
I learn so much from forums. I always thought a friend with benifits was a friend who had a good job with heath insurance and a retirement plan.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 149
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/27/2007 4:01:28 PM

As i see it , its the same on both sides of the fence. Some men want sex, and this is the kindest way to say ,, do me. The other side of the coin are the women that say they are not ready because they just got out of a relationship (or whatever reason), thats code for,, i willdo you if you turn me on.


Brilliant!
 Strait4ward
Joined: 10/12/2007
Msg: 151
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/27/2007 8:42:12 PM
mlsaarin, I do not see how it is necessarily "safer." It's Friends-with-benefits--and does not mean it's just with one 'friend.' Remember-there is supposed to be no commitment. And believe it or not, some people have a rotation cycle depending on what they feel like at the moment, and the 'friend' that tickles that itch.
 Strait4ward
Joined: 10/12/2007
Msg: 152
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/27/2007 8:50:05 PM
Wow!!! I hear hurt and pain--a lot of it. Something to do with a best friend that was not able to be trusted? lori55m there are good men out there. But you have to "clear the pathway"--so to speak. It's really hard to encounter a good man if you cannot see them; or if have your time/space occupied with one that is not good. I would think it is virtually impossible to encounter a good man if you are convinced they do not exist. Hope things get better.
 Strait4ward
Joined: 10/12/2007
Msg: 154
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/27/2007 8:57:33 PM
Ummm, Nick.....How does one 'make love' if one is not in love--which is what that phrase is really all about. As for the partnership thing--would the person in your company really be a partner if what she was offering up was 'Monopoly' money?

Friendship is the benefit one gets from friendship--not sex.
 gtagrl
Joined: 4/2/2006
Msg: 156
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/27/2007 9:03:31 PM
hi there
intersting post. i agree with what you wrote. i not sure men can handle friends only really. many say they can but not sure they can. if they could then id love to meet them. seems most men only want sex these days? have you found anyone on here that can be friends only
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 167
view profile
History
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/28/2007 9:03:52 AM
Someone said in this thread that the only one benefitting from this relationship is the man. This implies that you can't even fathom that a woman would enjoy the sex too. Newsflash - there are plenty of women who like sex too, LOL. Because we're talking about FWB, the phrase implies it happens multiple times with a person you are comfortable with, so of course the woman benefits too. I will agree with some that point out that there's a higher probability that the woman will get attached and the situation is negative for them, but I'm sure there is at least some portion of women who are fine with it and some portion of the situations that work out just fine. I personally don't like the phrase much. I think the phrase "having a lover" is much more appealing.
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 169
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2007 1:30:08 AM

Ahhh, Iris....
Booty call, FWB, F**k buddy, ....whatever the current term is (FWB just sounds nicer) it's all the same. Did you want to pretty up what you do?


Iris has my heart. We don't have to be stingy with each other. Perhaps in the day when men were seen as privileged and women were seen as vulnerable it made sense, but those days are on the wane. Sex between consenting adults who are, in fact, choosing to come together as adults and not acting out some childish drama, is a very different thing than a booty call. It is entirely possible to have and to show deep love and profound respect without demanding a lifetime commitment of the sort that was required when women were regarded as property.

Yes, you are precious. Yes, you are valuable. And yes, you have the right and responsibility to protect yourself from anyone who would devalue you in any way. When friends who truly are friends choose to satisfy each other physically, it is a beautiful thing. It is not the traditional thing, that's true. But there is beauty in it nonetheless.

There is also a lot of potential for hurt and misunderstanding and lapses into old scripted behaviors and expectations that friends who truly are friends make a commitment to work through. There is a big difference between doing that and just having a booty call. It isn't that there are _no_ strings. There are _different_ strings--strings that both people believe they're in a position to live with. And if they are right about their responsible self-assessment, who has a right to say otherwise?

I don't expect anyone who's dedicated to the traditional viewpoint to recognize that distinction. However, at a certain point I had to grow up and stop trashing the institution of marriage as a vestige of slavery. Perhaps traditionalists can stop trashing expressions of sexual freedom as de facto vestiges of sin. Fair enough?
 wildpassion
Joined: 10/25/2007
Msg: 175
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2007 8:45:21 AM
men and women do the friends with bennys thing........ becouse it is easy! you dont have to spend cash , you dont have to worrie when the right one comes along. becouse guess what he was just sleeping with you. so when the one he really wants and finds all he has to say is well we where just friends. plus hell if he does not met someone at the bar that night all he has to do is call his friends with benefits meaning you.
 AceOfSpace
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 177
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2007 10:14:45 AM

In a sexual situation, women and men are biologically wired different. It has been proven over and over. FWB, booty calls etc. do suit the male sexuality and for women to accomodate this is NOT something that is easy for them to do. Believe me, 20 years of liberalism and "equality" does not change 3000+ years of evolutionary programming.


Well, here's the thing. I can see your mind is set and there's no changing it, but back in the days of kings people used to make the same argument. It's been this way for all our history. It's traditional. If it's traditional it must be right. Because I'm upholding the tradition, I'm righteous and others who argue differently are infidels and liars. Their motives must be suspect. Either they're charlatans or fools. Don't trust them!

With that line of reasoning we'd still be referring back to Galen for all our medical needs. We'd all still be serfs. We wouldn't have nearly the knowledge base to make this form of communication possible. None of us would have even a concept of freedom. This same line of reasoning is what allows honor killings of women who "stray" in Arab countries and grandmothers in Africa to justify female genital mutilation for their very own granddaughters. The argument you make is emotionally powerful. It can also backfire in ways that are more harmful than you intend.

Me, I choose freedom and the challenges that go with it. That means questioning the old mores that were rooted in our traditions of serfdom and royal privilege. That is why I am simply not interested in being anyone's knight in shining armor. People are free to choose the lifestyle they want, so if a woman really wants to relive that fantasy--one that reinforces their former dependency, they can do that--just not with me.

So Daisypetals, I doubt that you and I will be dating any time soon. I'm sure you're relieved by that. But please stop telling men who are basically honest and good who they can and cannot date. That's simply disrespectful. And if you have so little respect for men who might see things differently than you, how can you possibly understand us well enough to give general advice to women?

Nope. I think that your self-righteousness is just a bit misplaced. You make good points. But when you dismiss the good points made by others as merely self-serving, you open yourself to the same critique.

Women do need to understand that some men lie. A lot of women lie to themselves because they want sex too. But if a woman isn't lying to herself--either to enter into a FWB relationship when she's hoping for more or to stay in a FWB relationship that isn't working for her--then she's not going to get her heart broken. She might be sad when it ends. She might experience grief, but grief is what comes with _any_ good relationship. Even if you've been with someone for 50 years, one of the other of you is still going to die first. The experience of that huge a loss for both people must be incredibly painful. Hopefully, there will have been enough good memories along the way to provide genuine comfort during that time of immense change.

What a woman who is honest with herself won't experience is the kind of betrayal that you warn about. There you and I agree. Betrayal, especially self-betrayal to get sex or "love," is a terrible thing and entirely avoidable. If women can only allow themselves to experience physical pleasure in the context of marriage, and they refuse to question that programming, that's going to be a problem for them. But it isn't a biological one. Now, some women might question it and come to the conclusion that it really is what they want. Good for them. I have no problems with that. What I do have a problem with is the impression you give that there is nothing to question. The practitioners of female genital mutilation have the exact same attitude.

FWB suits male psychology because men were raised to be autonomous or else. There are certainly problems with that. It doesn't fit female psychology because women were raised to be married or else. There are other problems with that. Personally, I think that men could learn a lot about being better tied in to family and community. Women are still learning a lot about what it means to be autonomous. That's all to the good. But preaching tradition as if it were fact will not help your daughters. It will just put them in the same bind that you are in.

I'm assuming you are trying to navigate the dating world since you're posting here, so clearly it isn't completely resolved for you. If it were, wouldn't you be married?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 178
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2007 10:29:11 AM
Like I have said before, it takes two to tango. People seem to think women are victims here and men are predators. These are consenting adults. Some women initiate this and/or want the same and agree - both people benefit. End of story. The men or women who agree to this hoping for more aren't people who should agree to something they can't handle. Period.

If it's something you can handle, fine. If not, don't do it. What's so difficult about this? Judging people you don't know because you don't like something you read about is sort of ...narrow minded. Live and let live. Just like marriage and kids or college and career...it's not for everyone.

P.S. FWB's are geared for people who cannot have or devote time to full relationships but don't want to give up their sex lives, who have FRIENDS they already know who and trust are in the same boat. Anything else is just a booty call, as you're dealing with a stranger (or an ex). There is no holding out for more than just being an FWB to someone because you don't want to be more, that's the whole reason you're doing it...so that whole pep talk is lost.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 179
view profile
History
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2007 11:12:20 AM
I'm not making a judgement about people who want FWB's, especially if they are truly what Ugly Betty descirbes. Not been my experience. Any man who has suggested such a thing to me, the emphasis has been on the benefits. The sexual benefits.

At any rate, lifestyle choices for anyone are there own. I neither have to agree with their choices, to like them as people, nor date them if they are in a different place than me.

I, personally, know I'm not emotionally capable of this kind of realtionship. Regardless of how much I may miss company and sex, I need to be an integral , important part of a man's life..not just one of the many things he does. I want/need to be a big part of his life too. That's just me. I know that I can not have sex with a man, and not feel used, if he doesn't love me. Been there, done that. Doesn't work for me.

AceofSpace and Coolestname: While you are both very articulate, obviously intelligent, and sure of how you feel about this stuff, I would like to say something. I read your words, and I even saw myself nodding my head somewhat at what you were saying. I think I object, though, to this "knight in shining armor" crap. Because a woman wants to be with a man who loves her, doesn't mean she's looking for a "knight", nor does it mean she wants to be married necessarily. I don't know that I ever want to get married again. And as for the knight thing? In my head , if I refer to this, all I see it as, is someone who loves me, and wants to be with me. Like to believe in happily ever after, but the odds are against it these days...

And such a jaded view or romance makes me sad...why is romance suddenly some kind of power struggle between men and women? Why can't it just be, showing love for one another, on both sides? Sigh...I am a believer in romance, and I will be the first to admit I'm overly sentimental..however, I, personally have never required gifts or jumping through hoops as a trade off for sex. Respect and love yes. I would hope I'm not the only one.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 181
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2007 11:31:21 AM

I, personally, know I'm not emotionally capable of this kind of realtionship. Regardless of how much I may miss company and sex, I need to be an integral, important part of a man's life..not just one of the many things he does. I want/need to be a big part of his life too. That's just me. I know that I can not have sex with a man, and not feel used, if he doesn't love me. Been there, done that. Doesn't work for me.

Exactly Zangie. You know your own limitations and how you do things, so you know deep down that it's not something that suits your lifestyle. That's all the debate on FWB is about.

Personally I love sex within a relationship, but give up sex while single? Nope, not my thing...puts too much sexual tension and pressure on potential dates, and it's frustrating for me. For me it's interchangeable, and convenient. And that's just how I'm geared. We're all different.

Then again most of my male friends are friends for a reason, if I wanted to date them seriously or thought of them in that sense, I'd have already tried it. That's the other thing about an FWB, you want to shy away from someone that you would want to date seriously and end up with, because naturally you'll hope for it, it's a pitfall you set yourself up to fall into. You have to know that's to be avoided.
 MR_WOW4
Joined: 10/13/2007
Msg: 193
view profile
History
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2007 6:26:26 PM
Although I haven't had a FWB, as a general guideline I will ask a girl if she believes in sex before marriage. If not, there is a 99% I won't date her. JMHO
 oneofgods
Joined: 1/13/2007
Msg: 194
view profile
History
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2007 6:59:49 PM
When I started hearing that term, it made me think about my marraige. Because it sounds like the same thing my relationship was. lol. We were friends with benifits.
 mslafleur
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 196
Why are most men looking for Friends with Benefits?
Posted: 10/30/2007 7:21:54 PM
True, especially if you're good looking. They will not read your words, they only look at the picture. And they call us vain.
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