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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?      Home login  
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 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 26
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Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?Page 2 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Okay, here's the thing, people. It's a scroll-down menu that includes the option of divorced, and only allows ONE CHOICE. It is not like asking someone "Are you single or attached?" It is like asking you "Of which one of these best describes you: single, attached, divorced?" If you have been divorced even once in your life, you are better described as divorced, than a person that has never been divorced. The people that have never been divorced and are not married now, are best described as single. Because we know that all the choices are there, then only the people who qualify as single, and not any of the other categories should choose the word SINGLE. There is where it becomes misleading. You HAD the choice of owning up to your divorce history, and if you don't choose it, you are omitting important information that could have been brought up right away. Some of us have very traditional philosophies of marriage - I want someone who is as in line with my thoughts on marriage as possible. I'm not saying I couldn't have made a mistake about marrying someone or that I won't make that mistake later, but I DO want to exclude people who don't think of marriage as necessarily a permanent thing. There are some people who think, well if it doesn't work out, you can always get divorced, and that the divorce and getting married multiple times is no big deal. Or think that, well, if I find someone better, I should get divorced and be with that person that is better for me (which to me negates the whole point of getting married in the first place). I don't care if everyone agrees with my views on marriage, and I honestly don't expect most people to agree, but I DO want the people I date to agree, otherwise we're all just wasting each other's time. Now that you divorced people who are reading this thread see that there is some confusion involved in you putting down "single" in your profile, it really doesn't matter who's right or wrong. Now that you know about the confusion, it is even more deceitful for you to put down single. Just put it down and find someone for you that doesn't care.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 27
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Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/4/2007 7:09:18 AM
Some people happen to be religious. I know that I cannot get married in my church to someone who has been divorced. Therefore, there is a big difference between single and divorced to me. Plus, when I marry someone I want it to be a unique experience for both of us. I don't care if you were married for 30 seconds 10 yrs ago, you were still married and are now DIVORCED.

If someone tells me they are single you are right, chances are I'd never ask them if they were ever married. Unless I feel they are dishonest about other things. I was out with a guy recently... he initially told me he was single. I asked him a few weeks later (after I found out he lied about his age) if he really hadn't been ever married. Well guess what, he was married before! He felt like it was a mistake (4 yrs) so doesnt tell people he was ever married. Sorry, but that's deceit, plain and simple.
 cabindude
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 28
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Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/4/2007 9:26:03 PM
I'd put "Divorced". It's all about honesty. As far as I'm concerned anybody who's narrow minded enough to think it's a red flag is really limiting themselves from meeting potentially "the ONE". At my age, everyone's lived a little and had some life experiences. I think categorizing them into acceptable and non-acceptable is an individuals perogative. If you're honest and it's not good enough for them....they're not likely a match.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 29
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Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/5/2007 9:33:42 PM
If I am divorced and not living with someone but seriously dating, then by the silly logic of people on here I would be lying to use any of the categories.
I should not use 'divorced' as I'd be implying I'm available to date.
I can't put 'not single/not looking' since by the silly people logic I would be lying as I am divorced and must not imply that I was ever single after my divorce.
There is no choice that states divorced/not looking, (probably because the wizard who put up the categories has more sense then many posters).

I am a divorced person who is currently in a relationship, I choose Not single/not looking and boohoo to all you silly people who think I'm lying by "IMPLYING" I was never married.


Not single/not looking is the best choice for you. It best describes you, and results in the fewest number of people being fooled into pursuing you. Yes, you are divorced too, but the more important one is that you're not looking, which kind of covers you anyway, because it doesn't matter if people would rule you out because you've been divorced, because you're not available anyway. That's fine. This does not conflict what we are saying about those who are putting single down instead of divorced when they have been divorced.
 dalek1967
Joined: 1/20/2007
Msg: 30
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Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/5/2007 9:47:58 PM
I was married and got divorced. Me and my ex are not even friends, her choice. I guess when the failure is your fault and everyone knows it, why put fuel on the fire for herself. Thing is, we were married. It was a short marriage. It was a marriage that was based on lies and really had nothing truthful in it to begin with.

All that said, we was married therefore I am divorced and that's what is in my profile.

This does explain why I see some profiles that have single and they are older than me though. I was always curious about that.

 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 31
Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/6/2007 1:39:44 PM
You can look at it this way. You can put what your status is as the way the site intended it to be, as an actual "status".

Or you can choose what you "feel" you are and disregard the intent. Like other things, some put they don't do drugs but smoke pot. In their mind it's not a drug.

It's up to each member, it doesn't affect any of the rest of us. It may affect anyone who's interested and then may at some point find out differently. Maybe they'll accept it and it won't matter. If it does, then it's affected someone else.
 cabindude
Joined: 7/27/2006
Msg: 32
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Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/18/2007 3:23:20 PM
If you're divorced, be honest and say so. If you're separated, be honest and and say so. If you're single @ my age....it's kinda a red flag....what the He** is the matter with you? When it all boils down to it,and this is only my opinion, if someone is shallow enough to think that having loved and lost in ANY terms means you're unavailable, they aren't a match for anyone who's been in a previous relationship. Eg. 1) Liz Taylor has been "legally divorced" how many times? Is she emotionally secure, or has she been at any time?
Eg. 2) If I was "shacked up" with my ex. for ten years instead of being married to her for ten years. I could put "single" in my profile. You'd probably read this as being a dog who's afraid of commitment. You'd probably be right, though I know several couples who live common law by the female partner's choice.. Having been married should show that commitment isn't out of the realm of possibility.
In my case "separated" is a term that was "easier" on my kids. This isn't just my opinion, but also that of several professional councillors. My "legal separation" spells out the terms for my imminent divorce. I can get a divorce at anytime. When I do meet the right person for me, I'll go through that silly legal step that stops me from being re-married. I really don't care if it makes a mockery out of my original vows. If I feel it's the right thing to do..it's done. Those of you who consider me unworthy of you, you're right. Of course, rest assured, I feel the same way.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 33
Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/20/2007 12:55:51 PM
"The tricky one is what if you've been married twice, and one died and you divorced the other?"

First husband - divorced I wasn't dating then and there weren't dating sites....if so I would have listed divorced as it was my current status.

Second husband - deceased I always chose widow as it was my current status.

You put what is most recent.
 JustKelly70
Joined: 2/9/2007
Msg: 34
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Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/20/2007 12:58:10 PM
An option of , separated no f ucking chance of getting back together , would do it for me, I am separated, but list single.. All legal papers done, just a matter of making the divorce official..
 diamondjoe101
Joined: 6/24/2007
Msg: 35
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Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 11/21/2007 10:34:32 PM
Personally, I see the word divorce on an ad, and it triggers a "red flag". It usually means that one or both parties had some serious unresolvable issues.
That being said, don't get too hung up the wording of your ad. Rather, take a long, honest, look at what, if anything you contributed to your faulty marriage. If you are truly a victim, then just be yourself, and someone will probably come along who is willing to overlook the divorce issue. Otherwise, I would strongly reccomend you make an effort to resolve and avoid bringing the baggage from your failed marriage into any further relationships. Unlike the airports, "lost" baggage always finds its way back to its owner. Good luck.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 36
Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 7/2/2008 3:15:51 PM

Personally, I see the word divorce on an ad, and it triggers a "red flag". It usually means that one or both parties had some serious unresolvable issues.


Being incompatible or finding out you are, isn't an unresolvable issue except with that individual. Personally, it someone was in an incompatible relationship, I'd think much more of them if they did seek out a divorce rather than stay in an unhappy/incompatible marriage. Divorced isn't an automatic red flag for everyone.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 38
Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 7/3/2008 11:09:17 AM
When I was six I used to tell my parents it was ok to eat candy every day because Billy did it and his parents let him. Oh brother.

"other men say they are single when they are divorced, why can't I?". Because its wrong. If you are going to lie right off, it rarely works out. How will it feel if you connect with someone and oh well, I was married before. Again, dont do it.
 spiderette
Joined: 6/28/2008
Msg: 39
Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:40:31 PM
op: 'single' would be perfectly fine in your case. btw, until you verge on the 'serious' in a relationship, your life is no one else's business.
 spiderette
Joined: 6/28/2008
Msg: 40
Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 7/3/2008 10:48:27 PM
ember: i theoretically agree, but (practically) i see very little difference between single and divorced if no children are involved. the only exception would be be if one were to somehow interpret the diff. between single and divorced to mean a particular divorcee had an inability to commit to or somehow sustain a marriage. i suppose, by defintion, that is the case, but it's highly dependent on who divorced whom and for what reason(s).

divorced vs. separated is a larger issue. for one, there are ongoing messy legal and financial entanglements. secondly, a separated person is often not psychologically to the point of being able to fully participate in a new or subsequent relationship.
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 41
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Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 7/27/2008 10:58:15 AM
I think, act, believe, and have the heart and spirit of a single person. I was separated (lived on my own) for 3 1/2 yrs, more than enough time to get my "self" back. I happen to have a paper that says "divorce decree" on it but I am single in every way. Just because a paper has a certain date on it doesnt mean I was of a specific character all the way up until then. You can be single and have kids too. So, I dont see what kids have to do with it.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 42
Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 7/28/2008 1:51:50 AM
I dont' get it. You are divorced; you are obviously wanting to hide that fact so that answers your question. I guess if someone is married in 2001 but doesn't live with their spouse anymore and is separated, does that make them now single? no

You are divorced; You will always be someone who is divorced. That was your choice to marry that person and to leave them. To act like it never happened doesn't change the facts.

If I was dating a person that said they were single and then after a while I found out they were divorced, I would dump them in a second. Its dishonest. Some people also, due to religious or other reasons, do not want to date or even marry divorced people. I dont get why people can't be honest.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 43
Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 7/28/2008 1:56:04 AM

On the other hand, DIVORCED is a 'trigger' word for a man to see. It DOES translate to baggage, issues, drama...if even for a moment in a man's mind. It's for this very reason, FACT if you will, that I'm listed as single despite MY knowlege and belief that my marriage has helped me grow and shape the woman I am today. I've just never let it define me.


kikilink this is the very thing I'm talking about. You even admit you are divorced but because you don't want guys to turn you down because of it, you lie and try to trick them. Nice. Selfish and self absorbed IMHO.

Your marriage doesn't define you, but the choices a person makes does. That's why every person I talk to I ask up front; have you ever been married, or have you ever been divorced.

I'm sure you are comfortable in the label of single because it serves your purpose. It can't get any more selfish than that IMHO.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 44
Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 8/13/2008 5:09:20 PM
The OP left the building...hopefully laughing with Elvis.

Oops, I think I saw him at the 7-Eleven when I was filling my gas tank. He likes Grape Slurpees...FYI and it if WAS him....umm...well the years haven't been kind. I'm not cold or lacking of compassion...but I didn't need someone to wash my windshield with a squeegie and a bucket. (He did get a little pizzed when I threw a few bucks into his bucket and jumped into my car) Ehh...maybe it's just me, but I get a little creeped out when someone in a white jumpsuit with Grape Slurpee stains wants to wash my windshield. One of many reasons why I don't live in NYC!
 barkerdog
Joined: 1/9/2010
Msg: 45
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Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 3/24/2010 1:42:44 PM
I know this is a little old now, but I can't believe the number of people who think it is ok to put single when you have been divorced. I have been out on 2 dates with women who have done this. Even though someone who has been divorced is fine with me, I broke the dates off early because it is not ok to lie about it. If you can't be truthful about that, what else aren't you going to be truthful about?

In reading some of the posts, people make all kinds of arguemts why it is not lying. I understand all the reason why someone may not want to think of them as divorced, it was a long time ago, no love, no baggage etc etc. I get it. However, the point isn't to reflect your state of mind as many people have put it. The question is not subjective. It is not open to an opinion. If the choices are single, married and divorced and you have been divorced and choose single, you are not being honest with people you are trying to meet. It really is that simple.
 SKH5571
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 46
Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 12/10/2012 4:20:48 PM

If you are a virgin and have sex, then don't have sex for fifteen years, do you become a virgin again?


I dated someone who almost fit that bill. She "gave up" sex and classified herself as a "born again" virgin. WTF?!


As far as the divorced versus single status debate, I will easily go with "Divorced" as a status.

On another site that no longer exists, I had put my status as "single", even though I was newly divorced(then Nov 2005) with no kids, no financial responsibilities and no ties whatsoever to my ex. I met girl and went on a date with her. During the date, I told her about my marriage and divorce. She got real upset, "hit the roof" and cursed me out for not telling her that before the date. Keep in mind, we exchanged no more than two messages, several phone calls before agreeing to go on the date. I knew in my mind that I would tell her all about my past during the date. Nevertheless, she accused me of "hiding my past", "being used up", and "full of baggage." I paid for the meal and she stormed out.

Someone mentioned in an earlier post that a "DIVORCED" status scares off some people. If people are instantly scared off by words and do not care to know or find out the situation, then those are people who I definitely would not have gotten along with anyway. I am one who never judges anyone or their situation without getting to know them first. I can easily get along with someone who shares my sentiment. Looking at my above situation in hindsight, I wished I would have put "DIVORCED" and "scared off" girl in the beginning rather than be subjected to immature name calling and the like while on a date with her.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 47
Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 12/10/2012 5:05:30 PM
I want to date a person that is comfortable with whatever state in life they are. So if they are divorced, they say it. If they are single, they say it. Same thing with me. I try to be as transparent as possible. Well, I will not tell anyone that my mother is actually from another planet and that my dad had seven toes.
 AusteniticSteelMan
Joined: 12/7/2012
Msg: 48
Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 12/11/2012 11:18:15 PM
Your status should reflect the current truth.

Deal breakers for me are lies. being married, separated, being divorced, fully divorced, and no ties are all different things to me =p

Make sure you think about it carefully...
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 49
Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 12/12/2012 1:45:53 PM
The moral of the story is if you meet someone you want to share your life with, never get married to the person. Just live together. That way, if it doesn't work out, you can claim to be single all along. It doesn't matter if you lived with the person 15 or 20 years and had 8 or 10 kids together. You still have the status as single-never married.

A question for the believers in the traditional Christian church weddings: If you were to meet someone who was married before, but not in a Christian church (Islam, Wiccan, for example) and listed themselves as single, would that be appropriate since it doesn't match your version of married? This goes along with the perception of a common-law relationship, where the only difference to marriage is the absence of a wedding ceremony.
 annywn
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 50
Single vs. Divorced...what should my relationship status be?
Posted: 12/12/2012 6:27:28 PM
The truth doesn't vary based on factors that make you appear in a better light. If you were married once and are not anymore, i believe it's yes, being divorced.
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