Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Australia  > why are there soo many single parents these days?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Silver_Sun
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 51
why are there soo many single parents these days?Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Giddy, this is not a domestic violence thread.
Please go to the DV thread if you wish to talk about it.
The reason there are many single parents isn't soley due to DV, as you make it out to be. It's a combination of things, mostly, and the reasons and situations can vary vastly.
Enough woman bashing, thanks.
 2 girls short of a 3some
Joined: 7/10/2007
Msg: 52
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 1:20:25 PM
I didn't start on the DV -- it was in response to someone else mentioning DV as a large contributor to the reason behind the question at hand
 Silver_Sun
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 53
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 1:34:09 PM
Yes but you seem to be really trying to drive some point home??
The reason relationships break up these days is because women and men don't have to put up with as much shit these days as there are ore options and support available for them if they decide to leave.


 Cinder_ella
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 54
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 3:09:25 PM
I think its true that so many marriages break up these days because that option is available to people. Previously people would stay in untenable situations, making everyone miserable. My 69 year old Mum has told me she would rather have lived with one parent than stayed with both of her unhappy, bickering parents, but then that wasn't an option. There were children to different fathers, there were illegitimate children, there were family scandals in many families but it was all covered up, whereas today a lot of these things are out in the open. Even these days there is a certain stigma attached to being a single parent.

Kynnie the topic of women returning to abusive relationships was covered in the DV thread. Its a very complex issue and not so cut and dried as "fool me twice". I would like to think that I am the sort of friend who will always be there for the ones I love, regardless of what they go through in their lives. Unconditional friendship is a wonderful thing. As I said before, until you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes you can't know what they are going through.
 Kynnie
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 55
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 6:08:32 PM
^^^ I wasnt even remotely making specific reference it.
He just brought up another point to the entire thread & I do feel its relevant tho, even if its not wat the initial post is all about.
I was talking about ppl's choices in general & their repeated mistakes in life.
When I commented on Giddy's application of it, my thought process wasnt in specifically DV mode, it was in red flag mode eg.
- ur partner has a drinking issues
- ur partner has gambling issues
- ur partner is unfaithful
- ur partner has multiple convictions
- ur partner starts hitting or verbally abusing you
There are a million others.

The fool me once comment was a snippet of an entire point.

And then...to see people continually put themselves in the same position repeatedly throughout life, doesnt necessarily mean that theres anything wrong with the people you get involved with, but with you yourself for being the constant.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Unless someone does a complete 180 degrees on us, we have to accept some responsibility, even if its only for the crappy choice.
Learn the lesson, move on and dont do it again

Thats the way I feel about it. I dont believe people in my age group (40's) should be making the same mistakes they made at 20. Theres absolutely no reason for it and if they do then as far as Im concerned they are perpetual victims.

Ive seen domestic violence in my own family so I understand the dynamics.
But I also understand that you cant help people that wont help themselves, so I refuse to enable it & will be there when its finished. Because Im not standing there to watch it or have it impact my own & ultimately my childrens lives.
 cuda64
Joined: 7/8/2007
Msg: 56
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 6:48:40 PM
I could be wrong..........make that inaccurate but..........i get the impression that your on the outer ( dating wise ) if you don't have kids.
One would assume ( never assume ) it would be a plus, but no............OMG he's never had kids............run Timmy run..........there's something wrong with him.
Nothing against kids........just never had any.............on the plus side, i don't have to pay child support............and no contact with an ex.
 Cinder_ella
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 57
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 7:28:43 PM
People make stupid decisions in life whether they be male or female & sure, we all have to learn, but I personally will only ever be an ear once about it, and if people choose to do the same thing again and again, Im just not interested till its over and done with.

It may sound harsh, but occasionally tough love is the only course.


Compassion is a rare commodity in today's society. In order to empathize with people in difficult circumstances you need to be able to step into their shoes. As I said, if you want to gain more understanding the DV thread has some good info.
 Kynnie
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 58
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 8:21:21 PM
If u wanna keep bringing it back to discussion on DV when I've stated that wasnt my specific reference, thats your call, but its not what I meant so ur simply applying it to your own object of thought and going round in circles....
Seeing as u wanna push the point on DV, here's my position on it.
As I said...

Ive seen domestic violence in my own family so I understand the dynamics

My empathy doesnt include my sympathy.
My compassion is determined by the effort people make to help themselves.


If their choices impact MY life and I choose to take a position on it...it doesnt mean I have to take a defensive stance on my humanity or integrity when people make their own decisions and choose to involve ME in it without any regard.

I may be here to help and I will be when someone wants to help themselves, but I am not here to enable or "rescue" anyone


Just because someone is the victim of an abuser it doesnt mean I have to be.
I wont submit myself or my children to my uncle beating the shit outta his wife & kids. I wont tolerate it, I wont accept it, I wont allow my son to learn its acceptable or my daughter to learn its acceptable or thats its something they should emulate and carry into their adulthood as normal behavior. BIGGER picture, teach the kids & give them a happy life rather than misery.
^^^^THERE is my humanity & integrity & empathy & compassion^^^^

My apologies if u dont like or have empathy or respect for my decision but its the way it is.
 nunthewiser
Joined: 4/12/2005
Msg: 59
view profile
History
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 8:36:10 PM
this is what i cant understand....

people want to know why there are so many single parents around... but why are there so many single people around?

it shouldnt matter if a person has kids or not.... there are just as many non parental people around as there are parental be it they have never been married, have been married and have been in a defacto relationship.

im sure we have all at one point or another had a long term relationship with someone be it marriage or not (defacto).... if not (defacto) why did those long term relationships break up?... im guessing there would be the same reasons as to why a marriage broke up...

but the same question could be asked... why did you get into a defacto relationship and not get married as ya living technically as a married couple... as to why did you get married?... answers would all be the same...

i am 3rd generation of a parent that is single in my family.. my grandmother was a widow 3 days before my dads 3rd bday....my parents divorced 20 years ago (mother had an affair actually several but only took one time to get busted to end it).... i myself.. left the father when i was 3months pregnant... i saw there to be no point in staying with him and trying to work it out when he had no interest at all and only interested was in 18 year old "virgins"... but i tried to stick it out as much as i could with him... but 2months of him putting me thru hell wasnt healthy for me or the baby iw as carrying... he was the nicest guy before i told him i was pregnant... and when i told him i was... boy he flipped to a person i have never seen before... and all this was coz i told our housemate i was pregnant before him...lol. like 2 hours before.

i like the rest of my family didnt want or had ever thought our lives would end up this way... i had a life plan... that life plan just threw me a curve ball.... i strongly believe in sticking with something and working it out... i have very strong family and marriage values... i have stayed single by choice so i can sort the crap out with my ex for the sake of our son and so i dont have to bring someone else into my mess.


kynnie no offense here but why are you sounding like you are looking down upon people whos marriage have broken up and kids have been involved and telling them what they should and shouldnt have done to keep that marriage together... when your profiles says you are divorced and have kids yourself? doesnt that put yourself into the same situation?


Edit: just remembered something else..... we can all learn from our past relationships.... but there is no guarantee that any of our future relationships wont end in the same way... they say you dont truely know someone until you live with them... or a bad situation with someone wont make them turn into someone you didnt think they could be.... being in a relationship is a risk at all times.... there are really no answers as to why one person in a relationship did this or that and there are a million reasons as to why the relationship ended.... relationships should be known as a risk management....lol... as no matter how long you are with someone they might break your heart be it the split of a marriage/relationship or a death of a partner.
 Kynnie
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 60
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 8:59:38 PM
^^ No offence taken nun.
My whole discussion was based around people making the same mistakes repeatedly throughout life.
About learning to heed the red flags from our previous errors as youth.
And I did touch on the point of people doing 180 degree turns on us cos there are no guarantees
Everyone is entitled to mistakes, its the repeating them that I cant fathom.

They say, that until we learn the lessons we were meant to get the first time, we will be continually "put" in the same situations.
Frankly, Id rather learn it the first time.
 possibilitarian
Joined: 7/3/2007
Msg: 61
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 9:13:45 PM
Kinnie ^^^^I admire your strong stance on this and many other subjects. It is good to have a confronting strong level headed friend when you find yourself emersed in sh*t and can't find a way out.... I have a friend much like yourself and she was the only one who saw through the lies I told to her and myself for many many years and just kept on keeping on, never ever condoning the mess I kept getting into it. However, along with her came tremendous strength, tenderness, encouragement, compassion and grace .... Without these traits she would never of gotten through to me or truly of been a friend. Sometimes people are helping themselves and we just can't see it .... Just through the act of me approaching and talking to my friend ... although quite often I didnt until she asked ... was in itself an act of great bravery and another step out for me.

These sort of people are far and few between Cinders, and your right, when it comes to helping someone you love to get up and move on confrontation and compassion go hand in hand, however kinnie chooses zero tolerance and this stance does not include any allowances let alone compassion.... she is right to sit this one out.....
 Kynnie
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 62
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 9:26:44 PM
You're right I do take a zero tolerance on it but not because I dont have compassion.
And for as much as others will see that as not showing compassion, my thoughts & compassion will always primarily be my children above what a friend or family member includes in their life.

If I attempted to watch the play unfold before me, it would so personally scar me inside Id find it difficult to move past it at all and I simply then become another victim.

Knowing what abusers do, its far too painful to watch and I will not stand idly by watching the consequences as someone destroys anothers soul if they dont kill them first. I have to walk away, thats my choice.

 nunthewiser
Joined: 4/12/2005
Msg: 63
view profile
History
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 9:50:55 PM
i dont think we should say that people make some mistakes... people have experiences.... bad or good they are all experiences

i have learnt from my experiences from my own parents on what i want and dont want from a relationship or from a partner...

there are 3 i will not stand for... dishonesty, cheating and abandoning a child from a relationship (be it what it may have been) both i have learnt from my mother when i was 12....

EDIT: there is another one to which i have learnt from my ex- verbal emotional physical abuse and blackmail... i wont put up with that... i left him coz of that... it still continued after i left up until recently... im all for a disagreement here and there but to be faced with it daily isnt something i will not put up with... and that is from anyone male or female... i let them know before i tell them they need professional help with their issues and then walk away.

but you still dont know what you are getting yourself in for when you enter a relationship.... sometimes those red flags arent ontop of the surface but are deeply seeded within.... and it can take months sometimes years to have those flags surface.

take my mother... she was dating several men at the same time when she found out she was pregnant... my dad stood up when no other person would and took on the responsibility of my mother and my sister even those my sister mighten be his...my mother wanted to do it on her own but her mother (also known to be a loose women) told my mother she will have no family if she went it alone.... my mother had affairs the whole way thru the 16year marriage... she blamed the way my father treated her as to why she did it....my dad is a good man gave her everything she wanted.... when busted dad told her to leave she went from my dads bed to her lovers bed in the same day.... it took her 10 years of marriage to that guy even endless attempts of my sister and i telling her he is a perv hes this and that and what he was doing... it all fell on deaf ears....it took for her to listen when he walked in the door after work and said... i found someone to give me something you couldnt im leaving and shes pregnant... she thought how could he do something like this after he knew what it was like to be cheated on by his first wife.... a few weeks later mother hooked up with 3 other guys... one of who was married.... he ended up leaving his wife and moved in with my mother... i found out for the first 3 years of their relationship he was having affairs on her.... she never knew and still doesnt know.... this man has brainwashed my mother... everything she has ever gotten has gone on him in some way... she is making it up to his kids for taking their father away from them... but doesnt feel she needs to make it up to her own kids for abandoning them.

i can see thru lies as i have experienced alot in my 31 years... i observe people their facial expressions body language etc... and if something isnt right i question them about it... i can and do openly say if someone is bullshitting.... but it is even better when they cant keep track of their own stories.... i love the fact i have a wonderful memory and can catch them out everytime...lol.

i have alot of friends that come to me asking for advice on their relationship or why did they do this or that as they know im honest with them and if feel one of the other is fukn the other around i will say it.....as i did yesterday with a friend.

but one piece of advice i always tell them... dont judge the new by the old all the time as you could be missing out on a really super person...if you see something happening with the new that you have already experienced from the old... question them about it and talk about it... as you could be getting mixed signals from on behalf of yourself coz you have had a bad experience with someone else.
 Kynnie
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 64
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 10:00:42 PM
Yup absolutely nun.
Its difficult sometimes when people become scarred by their history to know when or how to move forward. Thats why we should keep some realistic boundaries in place for ourselves. Know what we are and are not capable of when we become involved with someone else.
I see that as all the more reason to (particularly as we get older) to know ourselves well enough to be able to identify our own input into relationships & how our past will affect us and others.
I also see it as probably the most important reasoning behind taking time out after a ruined relationship to heal and learn the lessons before we move forward again.
 possibilitarian
Joined: 7/3/2007
Msg: 65
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 10:17:34 PM
Kinnie I think we are getting the word "compassion" confused here ....

Definitions of compassion

a deep awareness of and sympathy for another's suffering
the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Compassion is a sense of shared suffering, most often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce such suffering; to show special kindness to those who suffer. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compassion

Understanding without judgment.
www.timolehtinen.com/articles/psyche-glossary/

a Primary Law and prime virtue, is when a person is moved by the suffering or distress of another, and by the desire to relieve it. Compassion is empathy, not sympathy – identification with and understanding of another’s situation, feelings, and motives. ...
miriams-well.org/Glossary/index.html

transcends both natural human sympathy and normal Christian concern, enabling one to sense in others a wide range of emotions and then provide a supportive ministry of caring and intercessory prayer. Also called the gift of Mercy.
www.acts17-11.com/dictionary_gifts.html

The desire to help when a need is discovered.
www.godonthe.net/dictionary/c.html

Webster: sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it Program: Loving with Passion, Placing the needs of the beloved above our own. Being considerate of the needs, struggles, and feelings of others. Making myself available to help or comfort.
www.soliveanew.com/glossary/146

I was not saying that you had no compassion but in the areas that you have pointed out you have zero tolerance.... Zero tolerance allows no room for compassion.
 nunthewiser
Joined: 4/12/2005
Msg: 66
view profile
History
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 10:32:30 PM

see that as all the more reason to (particularly as we get older) to know ourselves well enough to be able to identify our own input into relationships & how our past will affect us and others.


i know myself well enough and am able to idenifity any input i put forth into a relationship.... and i know one of those is im scared to get too committed to someone else incase it doesnt work out so i do tend to be backoffish right at the start and when i sense it wont work out.... i have already one child from a broken relationship to which i never wanted to have happened in the first place (the break up)... and i dont want to put anymore children i might have thru the same thing.... as i know what it was like growing up with that.... but at the same time i dont set out to wreck the relationship coz of my own fears i just know when it is not going to work out and theres no point taking it further as something was just missing..... i do like to take things slowly and go with the flow of it...but i guess so do alot of other people.

as i said i had a friend over here yesterday... she was angry and confused for what she had just been thru and she wanted to know why he was like that.... i couldnt answer her as to why he was like that.... but i told her she wasnt ready for a relationship as she had too much personally conflict going on with herself... she needed to get her court case out of the way... and she has end of year assignments and exams she needs to focus on... plus the well being of her twins... i also told her to get the court case out of the way and have that settle into a routine... by then she will be steadily into her uni course and start being happy with herself.... then when everything is settled start going out and enjoy herself..... she understands said she would... but she is still kicking herself that coz she has not been in a relationship for 3years and has been out of the dating game for almost 9 years that after all this time she let someone in and they did that.....i just told her welcome to the dating game and single life its all about experiences and ya work from there dont dwell on it it just didnt work out and that happens when ya not ready to put yourself out there and ya put yourself out too soon.


lol. can ya tell i move on rather quickly from a break up and just get on with my life....lol..i dont dwell and i dont question why someone did it.
 Kynnie
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 67
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 10:36:00 PM
Kids first
I apply compassion to my children lives before a victim of abuse if what they do impacts my kids and thats where I apply it.
Child first....a person is moved by the suffering or distress of another, and by the desire to relieve it
Child first....Understanding without judgment
Child first....enabling one to sense in others a wide range of emotions and then provide a supportive ministry of caring and intercessory prayer. Also called the gift of Mercy
Child first....the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it
Child first....sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it

Adult friends or family who dont show compassion for my children, come second.

My empathy goes to victims of abuse....my compassion goes to victims of abuse after they get out.

Thats how I see it, its not to offend anyone but it wont change.
 possibilitarian
Joined: 7/3/2007
Msg: 68
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 10:44:58 PM
^^^^

Just a question, because I am curious .... What if one of your children gets themselves into one of the situations you describe?
 Kynnie
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 69
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 10:51:17 PM
I would ONCE only.... use all my resources & research at hand to educate them on their situation, express my love & desire to see them out of the situation, tell them my heart and the door will always be open when they're ready....and then walk away.
Probably send them a card at christmas, birthdays to let them know Im still there for them when they're ready to help themselves.

If either of them was the abuser, Id have them arrested and testify in court against them.

I dont wanna be responsible for creating a monster any more than molding a victim.
 The Ram
Joined: 6/5/2007
Msg: 70
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 11:14:58 PM
......YOU GIRLS HAVE GIVEN ME A MOMENT OF EPIPHANY........
..........with this sort of talent on the forums, who the hell needs professionals!
.............thank you soo much,( KYN,NUN,CIND,POSS) for the insightful comments...
...............truly amazing....
.................well done...........
..................THANK YOU........

 Goddess of dreams
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 71
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/13/2007 11:40:05 PM
WOW you girls been busy while I went to Cavesbeach's recommended Scottish restaurant and sat in the sun reading my new book on how to invest not using my own money
 Cinder_ella
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 72
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/14/2007 12:03:48 AM
Unfortunately when you are talking about why so many people are single, the answer is often intrinsically linked to DV. I am not going around in circles, I was simply pointing out that I don't agree with your attitude, if it makes you feel better to try and pummel me into your point of view then by all means go ahead.

It doesn't matter how many times you say compassion in boldface, it doesn't make you a compassionate person. I don't like your do or die attitude, some might call it "strength of character", I call it a failure to understand the dynamics of these types of situations. This of course is only my "opinion".

What I do know is that I have been, and will always be there for my friends and family, no matter how badly they stuff up. That is who I am and I have no desire to change.
 Goddess of dreams
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 73
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/14/2007 12:21:57 AM
^^^^^^^^

If only you were few hours closer I would have taken you to the Scotish resturant with me today, my shout too . Aahhhhh life is so much easier as a single gril anyway
 atalia
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 74
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/14/2007 12:25:34 AM
I dont believe this thread has gone round in circles about DV, the advice was to simply read the DV thread, as it contains some very valuable info on why people find themselves making the same mistakes over.

I see no compassion or empathy in your posts kynnie, and you have failed to address the fact that many dont make the same mistakes over at all.

Some people are unlucky to meet all different types of people, some violent, some who die, some who go off the deep end, and are quite expert at showing others what they want to see or hear until they are hooked in, then show their true character.

Your posts sound very idealistic, and honestly quiet wonderful if they werent so ignorant, and dont we all wish we could simply choose to walk away, for our own safety.

Sounds very much like the opinions of someone who really needs a dose of being there, to bring her down to earth.





Just my experienced opinion and well entitled to it as you are, but I wont be hammering it home to everyone.
 Kynnie
Joined: 4/8/2007
Msg: 75
why are there soo many single parents these days?
Posted: 10/14/2007 12:33:04 AM
I dont begrudge anyone their opinion.
It doesnt bother me if its considered ideal. What others may consider ignorant, I call smart.
I dont have any of those type of scenarios in life.
My children and I dont require counselling, they smile, get good grades, sleep well at night. I dont have ex issues. I dont have restraining orders & ridiculous solicitors fees or violence orders. I dont have drug, alcohol, gambling issues in my life. I dont have regret or guilt or have to intrude my life on someone elses. Theres no arguments or confrontations in my house, never has been, never will be. I dont have anything to do with the police. Ive never been struck by anyone. I dont cry myself to sleep at night or worry about how the bills are paid. I dont have men wandering in & outta my bed or my kids lives.
Doesnt mean anyone else has gotta do it my way... all it means is that works for me and my kids, I'll defend it and the reasons & no-one is gonna upset my applecart with what I consider immaturity.
Thats all that matters.
I observe & base my opinions & choices on that.
I dont have to stick my hand in the fire to know its gonna burn & dont feel sorry for people who do.
When what I do doesnt work for me, my friends & the support network in my life....I'll let everyone know.
People choose their own paths, and as long as it doesnt interfere with me, frankly, I dont give a
Show ALL Forums  > Australia  > why are there soo many single parents these days?