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Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 401
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?Page 17 of 34    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34)
Are they desperate for marriage or do they just know what they want, and see no point in spending a lot of time dating? Once you hit 40 shouldn't you know what you want?
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 402
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 4/5/2008 12:06:39 PM
Well me4871 all I have been gettign is the read and So at least your getting the first date. I'm still waiting on the meet and greet. But keeping head up, and I'm in the allergic :)
Joined: 9/24/2007
Msg: 403
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 4/5/2008 1:20:50 PM
Some women believe they are nothing without a man... women in their40's are stuck in-between two major beliefs that our culture generated--- in the Fifties it was; get a man and keep a man to be a complete woman. In the 60's the thought was we don't need a man to be complete. I am woman, hear me roar.

Maybe the two thoughts compete... Sometimes I would rather be hit by a bus than be married again... and there are times I do want a life long committed relationship with a picket fence and all that. Am I a complete person? yes. Do I want to be married? I believe I may be done with that ceremony stuff, but being genuine with someone of the opposite sex doesn't have to lead to marriage or even dating.

I have meet some men whom I could label as "desperate to get married", or to shack-up... they were wanting someone to take care of their needs. They weren't really interested in a real relationship. More co-dependent, if that is an appropriate term.. perhaps you have found women with the same issue?
Joined: 2/8/2007
Msg: 404
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 4/6/2008 2:27:00 AM
hi-just got on here after a LONG time away....sorry...didn't read all the posts...but to respond to the over 40's wanting to be married....
I hope that every lady over 40 has a bank account and even if there isn't much in it-it is YOURS. Over 40-ish ladies , and 50-ish too can always have a GREAT romance with a guy while keeping their independance...and just living together,loving together, and respecting each other without the huge problems that may happen if marriage is involved. If you are in love...who needs that document to make it "Legal".? I have friends who have their partners of over 30 yrs and are not married. They trust each other. They chose not to leave each other when times got rough.
Just my this "day and age" marriage by law is an old custom which some men and women feel that they need to be "secure" but with the fact that 50% of marriages fail anyway...who needs the pain and financial ruin to get a divorce? just my lowly opinion! Thanks...cath
Joined: 5/29/2008
Msg: 405
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/2/2008 12:40:40 PM
Hello, I'm new to PoF, but not new to posting ideas and thoughts. I have the calouses to prove it.

First of all I admit to not having read each and every post on this issue and I am responding to the most recent post itself.

Ny first thought is that this topic is a response to a poll presented in a news article and or a magazine and that makes me wonder about its source and methods and selection.
Further, I am aware that the content of progams like Sex in the City have contributed largely to this notion. And perhaps it is a truth. I am presuming it is/or might be an American experience and truth.

First of all it is my opinion and understanding as a result of exposure to large numbers of American women of all ages, aculturation, income brackets, etc, etc, that there are a couple of aculturating factors that might lend itself to this.

The first is that society expects it and levels a certain amount of peer pressure on women over 40 who are unmarried to be married. Whether or not the woman in question has dealt with this issue internally/externally will be a factor. The fact is that none, some, any or many of her peers (including mothers) will bring this to her attention, if she doesn't raise the issue herself. It is seen in this country as a measure of worth. (ie. "She's not married? Is something wrong with her?") We have the articles of numerous "women's" magazines who advance this peer pressure as well as "ads" addressing the woman who is married and managing a household, career, children, etc.

Secondly, women are referred to as having an internal "biological clock" that ticks away seen or unseen inside that causes them to desire to bear children. It is implied that they are laboring under this intense genetic, and gender caused desire to be in labor. There is even the abbreviation for this for women who are in this age range and can be found in many medical charts as FFF. It stands for fat-fertile-and forty. It is a considerable risk factor as well for the newborn of such a woman.

Thirdly, it shouldn't be a surprising phenomenon as our society has only been engaged in really dealing with women's liberation on a serious level for the past 50 years (not to mention the attempts in the late 1800' and early 1900's).

My conclusion is that we are looking at another advancement where a portion of our society is looking at defining itself, redefining itself and attempting to shed some preconceived definitions.

Therefore, some women, perhaps many women, perhaps even a good deal of women at the age of 40 and past it are in fact attempting to wrestle with this issue. It must be difficult to want to shed cultural ideals in favor of self-realization. I know for me it personally has. But I wouldn't want to characterize all of those that are facing this issue as desperate.

The ultimate thought here, for me, is that none of us, male or female, need anyone male or female. Yet without them, who and what are we? That is the conundrum.
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 406
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/12/2008 6:24:15 AM
A very few are DESPERATE, most of the others are anything but. They will still marry the right guy but arent desperate to rush to the altar.

You were just unlucky enough to trip over a couple of twits, who still have some growing up to do. Twiths who still think that marriage magically results in "happily ever after". Something thst is normally only foudn on the last page of a childs story book.
Joined: 8/26/2007
Msg: 407
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/12/2008 1:38:02 PM
Some things said in this last page strike a chord. To start with "desperate" is such a harsh word. Just the using of it, I beleive would cause a woman's back to stiffen. All women in their 40's were raised in that transitional phase of the 60-70's. While some women got the new message of Gloria Steinam and women's lib, other's still got a lot of the Brady Bunch and indoctrination of that earlier type of culture, suzy homemaker. While I have not encountered any "anxious" ladies looking for the altar. I have encountered those anxious to be exclusive early, by that I mean date 2,3 or4. On the other side, I can see the ladies perspective some men just want to drag them home and chain them to the stove(not really, tongue in cheek, with a little reality thrown in). It is our job, to select the most balanced person we are attracted to, to try and have a relationship with. Expectations of "happily ever after" or "white knight on white steed" are great for fantasies or fairy tales, they just don't seem to fit in real life.(even though I use the ref's in my profile before someone calls me on it). When looking I think we all want to hear LTR is possible, maybe marriage, maybe living together, in other words whatever floats your boat. It is troubling, to go through this thread, and read 20 pages of women saying the equivalent of "I'd rather be burned at the stake then married". It makes one wonder, as a guy, would they REALLY be open to something long term? I guess the short answer to the OP's question is, no, there are few "desperate" to get married. Not sure how many would be anxious for a LTR, even with the right guy. Bob
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 408
view profile
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:50:50 AM
Bob, I think that you're overly concerned about minutia. A woman rejecting the legality of "marriage" does not mean necessarily that she also rejects commitment and fidelity. You have only to broaden your reading parameters to see that about 99.9% of men think that women seek "marriage" ONLY as a source of economic stability, and NOT for a long term "relationship".

Perhaps if you consider that something like 75% of 2nd "marriages" fail; you might see that this preference toward..."rather being burned at the stake" is a simple acknowledgement that indeed, he IS concerned about his resources, often with good reason. Similarly...SHE may be equally concerned about her own resources, also with good reason.

I couldn't agree more....the "fairy tale" is not reality. Unfortunately, there are still men who expect women to give up their careers to play the Mrs Brady role, and women who are all to eager to go along.....until they get hit with the 75% probability, and she's demanding that he make good on his promise......til death does the paycheck stop.

Hopefully, when "marriage" is left out of the are the financial issues. I think it's perfectly natural for a person of either gender to want to KNOW that they're wanted for THEMSELVES.....not their bank account.

I don't blame men 1 bit for not wanting to get why is it that so many men condemn me because I likewise ....would rather be hit by a bus...than to get married?
Joined: 8/26/2007
Msg: 409
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:06:58 PM
GrandmaBooBoo, thank you enlightening me. Perhaps you are correct, I don't disagree on the statistic. As I have said elsewhere, the differences in roles men and women learned early in life, probably still have SOME men looking for that Mrs Brady thing. While not recognizing the expanded role most women have taken on. Not to mention I don't think they would want it anyway, at least for the majority. Those roles as taught to men though, came with some interesting bells and whistles. Men were taught, "good girls will marry you, bad girls do those other things". Now it's not that blatant, but the thoughts that run like that are there, taught by the same mothers who encouraged their daughters "to go for it" or "you can do or be what you want". At that time, we still had books with Johnny becomes a fireman or doctor and Jane becomes a nurse or homemaker. Only in the magazines jane was being freed to do as she saw fit, someone forgot to tell johnny. All this boils down to while some men, many men were burned by divorce, they still seek the security of knowing she's my wife. Bob
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 410
view profile
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/13/2008 11:45:12 PM
LOL! Bob, I always heard that as "good girls LET you do it...and bad girls HELP you do it!" I was a really "bad girl" LOL! MEANING that, I did "help"....only I didn't call it "helping"....I called it....accepting equal responsibility. That "expanded role" if you will. I did know a LOT of those Mrs Brady's however. I baked MORE cookies then them, and even without an "Alice" I made my daughter's prom dresses, crocheted afghans, wallpapered the children's nurseries, cooked dinner every night, LOL! and indeed.....I was/am one of the last few women who owns both an iron...and starch.

Granted, it was NOT my Mother, but my Dad who encouraged me that I could do ANYTHING I wanted to do. It was HE who made me drive a manual transmission car, insisted that I know how to do basic maintenance, (changing the oil and fixing a flat tire). It was HE who taught me to do my best at anything I attempted....even when it was shooting pool or drag racing. LOL! my Mother Just cringed and told me I'd never get a man if I didn't stop beating them at doing "guy stuff".

I've heard your argument before though and I simply find NO logic in it. HOW can one consider "need" to be more "secure" than "want"? While I DO understand the principle that needs are absolutely necessary....and wants are only optional. But here's the thing: when someone "needs" me....they need me FOR something. If they "want" me....then it's me they want. A need can be fulfilled by ANY NUMBER of sources....a WANT however, can ONLY be fulfilled by the obect of that desire.

Therefore, it is my belief that a person who "loves me based on need, can also be easily lured away by anyone capable of providing more or better for those "needs". If the person "loves" me out of desire (want)....then I alone can fulfill that desire.

This is just my thinking on the subject, but indeed you are correct that MANY men are totally disinterested in me (and women like me) for exactly the reasons you've described. Because we don't have a lot of "needs"...they (men), who indeed, along with Johnny, have not gotten the memo ...that things HAVE changed, and are therefore very insecure with women who not only bring home 1/2 of the bacon...but may have also butchered the pig.

Now, once again, since you are new to this thread, I must tell you that several months ago it was "cleaned up" by moderators who deleted about 1/2 of the posts. If you were to read all 22 pages however, you will find that while men resent (obvious by the thread title) women who "need" men....they quickly turned hypocritical and began bashing those women who said indeed...they have NO desire (subsequently, no need) of marriage. Gosh....and we call women FICKLE? Also, by reading ALL 22 pages of the thread, you may notice the subtle tendency of the men to proclaim that while they don't want the responsibilities of a traditional wife....they're more than happy to reap the benefits of the same. Perfectly understandable....the mediocre athlete never wants raise the bar. Yes, there is some
they still seek the security of knowing she's my wife.
but I'd think it a rather shallow and insignifigant "victory" knowing it was based almost solely on her inability to care for herself.
Joined: 8/26/2007
Msg: 411
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/14/2008 11:02:56 AM
First off, apologizes around to all the "mrs brady's", sorry to have chosen your name. More on topic, I had thought(did not read all 22 pages sorry) I was adding my 2 cents. I am one of those men similar to your father. My 2 daughters are of great importance to me. So when raising them (I was raised by single mom) I was far more militant than the feminists about this is your life, be in control, depend on no one else for your future. That said they turned out wonderfully as 2 independent, strong willed, intelligent women. One runs an IT dept. for a major corp. and her husband stays home and takes care of the child. I do agree want is far superior to need, so many negatives in need or needy. My explanation was just some observations from men I knew in a certain industry. Finding a person who will desire you, seeks in you someone to complement his life, and work within whatever framework "floats both your boats" is ideal. As our economy has shifted and costs continue to rise, the idea of traditional roles have melted along with the buying power of the one income family model. The idea of someone's "father know's best"(thought I'd pick on Mrs. Cleaver for a while) dream or ideal dies hard in some men even as the reality of their paychecks slaps them in the face weekly. We all must change with the times, some are just slower to adjust, and even then, lament the "good old days" saw. In closing Grandma, with all those talents I wish you were in Georgia, I bet we could have some fun. Bob
Joined: 5/16/2008
Msg: 412
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:17:14 PM

Do you believe a relationship for the over 40 is about mating or is it?

It's a fair question.

I think by 40, your careers are set in stone or close to it and you are probably at the peak or just past the peak of your earning power and your prime earning years.

I can only speak from a guy's perspective. If I'm over 40 and the woman is over 40, odds are she's going to want a long term commitment. Having children is likely out of the picture at this point, although she or I may have a few already in the nest from previously.

I would say most women care about looks and status over money and security in their 20s. I think most will be apt to care more about money and security over looks and status in their 40s. Many will probably say it's "maturity" and knowing what they want. I'd say it's like any other commodity in decline ( as youth is a woman's most precious commodity), you have to just be willing to accept what you can get now or realize the longer you wait, the quality of the guy you can probably get is going to decline. That kind of realization doesn't typically happen to younger women. Probably because most people don't know the value of youth until they get older.

I think it splits two ways. If the man is an average earner and the woman looks her age or worse, then it's about accepting what you have to offer versus what you can give back. I think women who look much younger than 40 ( very very few of them do, no matter what anyone tells them or you) and men with very high earning power ( very very very few men have this) have a much more expansive range of mating options.

The rich get richer, the poor starve, and most people ride the middle. The game in essence, stays the same, I would wager even for 40 year olds.
Joined: 6/2/2008
Msg: 413
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/16/2008 12:52:54 AM
I would hope they are considering getting married if they are truly comfortable with what ever guy she has been dating and even living with.. to me it is an extremely big step..I have never even been engaged since a bogus relationship when I was 22 years old..
my track record sucks for long term 2-3 years is the best I've been able to achieve. so it seems that complicating our lives with the legal battle at the end would really benefit the lawyers and legal system

2 couples I know waited 13 and 15 years of sharing and living together. both are still married and living together 15 years later for one and three years later for the other..
desperate but okay with your self and hungry for a really great companion but desperate for marriage needs a serious look at who you are and your real values. poor judgement comes with desperation usually.

I would go as far as marriage but with a hell of a lot of caution not just going to zellers and wal mart and committing.. ooooppsss but that sounds foolish ladies.. be comfortable with you and maybe the dude you want will make the connection.
and it makes me proud with tears of joy to know people who have endured and worked it out.. long time marriage and better if long time love and no marriage and someday marry. javascript:smilie('')

if a woman is desperate one can only hope that the guy she finds has a crap load of patience and compassion to go slow enough.
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 414
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/16/2008 4:56:56 AM
Hello ....

Desperate... to get married... hmmmmmm

I am over 40, been divorced for over 10 years, in which time I dated, but marriage
never entered my mind. Perhaps I never met anyone that even got close enuff,
dunno?! But for the most and truthful part, although I wish to meet a partner for a possible LTR, but I have no intentions, nor desires to get remarried again.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 415
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/16/2008 8:18:44 AM
I wouldn't call it "desperate" - I would call it knowing what she wants. Pursuing a relationship is a huge gamble, and many women have gambled and lost years of their lives with someone whom they had no future. Just because a woman is past childbearing years does not mean she has no future and her time is not as important as a younger woman. I have never been married (no kids of course) because I did not set boundaries with boyfriends - 2 years at a time on average. To perpetually date and keep seperate households in an exclusive relationship is tiring for a woman - living out of a suitcase on the weekends is exhausting and eventually creates resentment. Many of us have lifestyles that "shacking up" is not an option. I think after you get to know someone very well, there is nothing wrong with asking "What is the potential here?". Women want to go slow with a sexual relationship, but once you sleep together, women can easily assume that you want the relationship to move forward. (Even at our age we can be gullible under the influence of a man) When you're a young stud it's easier to get the milk for free. It becomes a lot harder for a guy as he gets older to find sex with no strings attached within a relationship, unless you happen to have a friend with benefits.
Joined: 9/22/2008
Msg: 416
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/6/2008 3:22:49 PM
For myself, it's because I don't value the "getting to know you" phase as much as I perceive that men do - in general - I think men are much more comfortable with casual relationships whereas women do not want to waste time with someone who is not willing or able to commit (there are a lot of them out there).
Joined: 9/9/2008
Msg: 417
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/6/2008 3:47:55 PM
Well, I am over 40 and marriage is the last thing I want to do. Marriage is way overrated. It is only a piece of paper anyway. I think you must be dating desperate women.
Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 418
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/6/2008 5:41:09 PM
Where are these "desperate to get married over 40 women?" They don't live in Central PA.....
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 419
view profile
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/7/2008 1:26:01 PM
I think whether you are a man or woman, some people as they age, do not wnat to be alone. I hate to say it this way, but some peopl do not want to die alone. It is not gender specific.
And not all women want to take it slow.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 420
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/9/2008 6:04:06 PM
I think whether you are a man or woman, some people as they age, do not wnat to be alone. I hate to say it this way, but some peopl do not want to die alone.

Well, unless they are planning a murder/suicide or drinking koolaide together, we all die alone. It's the LIVING the rest our days alone that's not as appealing. On our deathbed, it's the fulfilling relationships and connections with others that we've had that will really matter.

I find the answer "for financial stability" to be pretty insulting - as if women are too stupid and helpless to be able to support themselves. _ Especially by this age any woman should have a pretty solid vocation established instead riding along on some man's coat tails and having little self esteem.

I've been alone almost all of my adult life, I'm way overdue for something meaningful and lasting, and "Oh baby I'm not going anywhere" is not a real commitment in MY eyes. I'm not desperate, as it's better to be alone than in bad company, but at my age I have every right to be getting a little more impatient. I don't see drooling and being incontinent in a nursing home to be a prime opportunity for seduction and attracting a mate. See I think women are better at planning ahead and visualizing the future. Men are just live for today and get what they can from any woman they will give them the time.
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 421
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/10/2008 8:43:17 AM
Marriage is THE last thing I am looking for.

Obviously this thread is a couple of years old; but I think that's probably a narrow view of what most women over 40 are looking for .

Relationships can be committed, loving, long lasting and satisfying without the ties that bind.

Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 422
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/10/2008 9:02:22 AM
Ohhh heavens noo...there is absolutely no desperation or even any thoughts about marriage with me..I think 2 marriages were enough to last me a lifetime. My 2nd marriage was a great one..but I'm not ready to even think about any other relationships....if it happens to fall in my lap then I would have to cross that bridge at that time..but as far as searching for it- no way.
Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 423
view profile
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/10/2008 10:43:13 AM
I think somebody must have bumped their head.....NO WAY am I desperate to get married......I'm enjoying my life just the way it is besides nobody "has to married" ever....must be looking at the wrong women over 40 cause this one is definitely not in any hurry........
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 424
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/10/2008 2:51:51 PM

I thought women always wanted "to go slow" ? Both women had grown children, so the old "biological clock" excuse won't wash. Please help me understand.

It's known as the vagaries of a small sample and that isn't a reference to the size of the people. We don't know the two strange ones that wandered across your path but with your sample size you can validate your results at something like 50%+/- 95%. Actually I'm exagerating a bit to make a point, but 50% +/- 49.5% would be a quite reasonable measure of the validity of your conclusions based on your sample size.
Joined: 2/8/2006
Msg: 425
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/10/2008 3:43:02 PM
i think you are exaggerating about the next step. Perhaps after a few months the women you were dating thought you should know enough about them to be exclusuve but you still want to have your cake and eat it too. do her a favor and drop her if shes not 'the one' and stop using her till something better shows up or because your horny and she'll do.
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