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 bob2013
Joined: 8/26/2007
Msg: 476
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?Page 20 of 34    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34)
Some things said in this last page strike a chord. To start with "desperate" is such a harsh word. Just the using of it, I beleive would cause a woman's back to stiffen. All women in their 40's were raised in that transitional phase of the 60-70's. While some women got the new message of Gloria Steinam and women's lib, other's still got a lot of the Brady Bunch and indoctrination of that earlier type of culture, suzy homemaker. While I have not encountered any "anxious" ladies looking for the altar. I have encountered those anxious to be exclusive early, by that I mean date 2,3 or4. On the other side, I can see the ladies perspective some men just want to drag them home and chain them to the stove(not really, tongue in cheek, with a little reality thrown in). It is our job, to select the most balanced person we are attracted to, to try and have a relationship with. Expectations of "happily ever after" or "white knight on white steed" are great for fantasies or fairy tales, they just don't seem to fit in real life.(even though I use the ref's in my profile before someone calls me on it). When looking I think we all want to hear LTR is possible, maybe marriage, maybe living together, in other words whatever floats your boat. It is troubling, to go through this thread, and read 20 pages of women saying the equivalent of "I'd rather be burned at the stake then married". It makes one wonder, as a guy, would they REALLY be open to something long term? I guess the short answer to the OP's question is, no, there are few "desperate" to get married. Not sure how many would be anxious for a LTR, even with the right guy. Bob
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 477
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:50:50 AM
Bob, I think that you're overly concerned about minutia. A woman rejecting the legality of "marriage" does not mean necessarily that she also rejects commitment and fidelity. You have only to broaden your reading parameters to see that about 99.9% of men think that women seek "marriage" ONLY as a source of economic stability, and NOT for a long term "relationship".

Perhaps if you consider that something like 75% of 2nd "marriages" fail; you might see that this preference toward..."rather being burned at the stake" is a simple acknowledgement that indeed, he IS concerned about his resources, often with good reason. Similarly...SHE may be equally concerned about her own resources, also with good reason.

I couldn't agree more....the "fairy tale" is not reality. Unfortunately, there are still men who expect women to give up their careers to play the Mrs Brady role, and women who are all to eager to go along.....until they get hit with the 75% probability, and she's demanding that he make good on his promise......til death does the paycheck stop.

Hopefully, when "marriage" is left out of the picture...so are the financial issues. I think it's perfectly natural for a person of either gender to want to KNOW that they're wanted for THEMSELVES.....not their bank account.

I don't blame men 1 bit for not wanting to get married......so why is it that so many men condemn me because I likewise ....would rather be hit by a bus...than to get married?
 bob2013
Joined: 8/26/2007
Msg: 478
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:06:58 PM
GrandmaBooBoo, thank you enlightening me. Perhaps you are correct, I don't disagree on the statistic. As I have said elsewhere, the differences in roles men and women learned early in life, probably still have SOME men looking for that Mrs Brady thing. While not recognizing the expanded role most women have taken on. Not to mention I don't think they would want it anyway, at least for the majority. Those roles as taught to men though, came with some interesting bells and whistles. Men were taught, "good girls will marry you, bad girls do those other things". Now it's not that blatant, but the thoughts that run like that are there, taught by the same mothers who encouraged their daughters "to go for it" or "you can do or be what you want". At that time, we still had books with Johnny becomes a fireman or doctor and Jane becomes a nurse or homemaker. Only in the magazines jane was being freed to do as she saw fit, someone forgot to tell johnny. All this boils down to while some men, many men were burned by divorce, they still seek the security of knowing she's my wife. Bob
 redarcangel
Joined: 1/12/2007
Msg: 479
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:22:47 PM
Hey.. hey.. hey! Enough with the Mrs. Brady thing there Bob.. ! I happen to be more like Mrs. Brady than Gloria Steinem.. ! No burned bras here! I need all the support I can get!

On a much more serious note though.. I think women our age do think more in terms of devotion to one man.. but.. not necessarily marriage. At least not for a lonnnnnng time. Years.. even.. if ever. I know I'm looking to "date" one man for quite awhile before thinking about doing the whole.. moving in together thing. Old-fashioned.. one man.. courtship. Going out on the weekends.. calling on the phone/e-mailing a few times during the week.. just to make sure we're both still alive and kickin'. I'm not in a hurry.. I'm not going anywhere.. or making any dramatic changes that could "upset" the cart here. I just don't want to get moved in with someone.. then have them say.. maybe we should've waited awhile. E-gads! Then.. end up wondering.. where am I going to move to now.. and how.. with what money (now that it's all been spent on "his" new place)? UH-UH! No thank you! I'll bide my time.. make that.. our time!
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 480
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/13/2008 11:45:12 PM
LOL! Bob, I always heard that as "good girls LET you do it...and bad girls HELP you do it!" I was a really "bad girl" LOL! MEANING that, I did "help"....only I didn't call it "helping"....I called it....accepting equal responsibility. That "expanded role" if you will. I did know a LOT of those Mrs Brady's however. I baked MORE cookies then them, and even without an "Alice" I made my daughter's prom dresses, crocheted afghans, wallpapered the children's nurseries, cooked dinner every night, LOL! and indeed.....I was/am one of the last few women who owns both an iron...and starch.

Granted, it was NOT my Mother, but my Dad who encouraged me that I could do ANYTHING I wanted to do. It was HE who made me drive a manual transmission car, insisted that I know how to do basic maintenance, (changing the oil and fixing a flat tire). It was HE who taught me to do my best at anything I attempted....even when it was shooting pool or drag racing. LOL! my Mother Just cringed and told me I'd never get a man if I didn't stop beating them at doing "guy stuff".

I've heard your argument before though and I simply find NO logic in it. HOW can one consider "need" to be more "secure" than "want"? While I DO understand the principle that needs are absolutely necessary....and wants are only optional. But here's the thing: when someone "needs" me....they need me FOR something. If they "want" me....then it's me they want. A need can be fulfilled by ANY NUMBER of sources....a WANT however, can ONLY be fulfilled by the obect of that desire.

Therefore, it is my belief that a person who "loves me based on need, can also be easily lured away by anyone capable of providing more or better for those "needs". If the person "loves" me out of desire (want)....then I alone can fulfill that desire.

This is just my thinking on the subject, but indeed you are correct that MANY men are totally disinterested in me (and women like me) for exactly the reasons you've described. Because we don't have a lot of "needs"...they (men), who indeed, along with Johnny, have not gotten the memo ...that things HAVE changed, and are therefore very insecure with women who not only bring home 1/2 of the bacon...but may have also butchered the pig.

Now, once again, since you are new to this thread, I must tell you that several months ago it was "cleaned up" by moderators who deleted about 1/2 of the posts. If you were to read all 22 pages however, you will find that while men resent (obvious by the thread title) women who "need" men....they quickly turned hypocritical and began bashing those women who said indeed...they have NO desire (subsequently, no need) of marriage. Gosh....and we call women FICKLE? Also, by reading ALL 22 pages of the thread, you may notice the subtle tendency of the men to proclaim that while they don't want the responsibilities of a traditional wife....they're more than happy to reap the benefits of the same. Perfectly understandable....the mediocre athlete never wants raise the bar. Yes, there is some
they still seek the security of knowing she's my wife.
but I'd think it a rather shallow and insignifigant "victory" knowing it was based almost solely on her inability to care for herself.
 bob2013
Joined: 8/26/2007
Msg: 481
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/14/2008 11:02:56 AM
First off, apologizes around to all the "mrs brady's", sorry to have chosen your name. More on topic, I had thought(did not read all 22 pages sorry) I was adding my 2 cents. I am one of those men similar to your father. My 2 daughters are of great importance to me. So when raising them (I was raised by single mom) I was far more militant than the feminists about this is your life, be in control, depend on no one else for your future. That said they turned out wonderfully as 2 independent, strong willed, intelligent women. One runs an IT dept. for a major corp. and her husband stays home and takes care of the child. I do agree want is far superior to need, so many negatives in need or needy. My explanation was just some observations from men I knew in a certain industry. Finding a person who will desire you, seeks in you someone to complement his life, and work within whatever framework "floats both your boats" is ideal. As our economy has shifted and costs continue to rise, the idea of traditional roles have melted along with the buying power of the one income family model. The idea of someone's "father know's best"(thought I'd pick on Mrs. Cleaver for a while) dream or ideal dies hard in some men even as the reality of their paychecks slaps them in the face weekly. We all must change with the times, some are just slower to adjust, and even then, lament the "good old days" saw. In closing Grandma, with all those talents I wish you were in Georgia, I bet we could have some fun. Bob
 UnstoppableLoveMachine
Joined: 5/16/2008
Msg: 482
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/14/2008 3:17:14 PM

Do you believe a relationship for the over 40 is about mating or is it?


It's a fair question.

I think by 40, your careers are set in stone or close to it and you are probably at the peak or just past the peak of your earning power and your prime earning years.

I can only speak from a guy's perspective. If I'm over 40 and the woman is over 40, odds are she's going to want a long term commitment. Having children is likely out of the picture at this point, although she or I may have a few already in the nest from previously.

I would say most women care about looks and status over money and security in their 20s. I think most will be apt to care more about money and security over looks and status in their 40s. Many will probably say it's "maturity" and knowing what they want. I'd say it's like any other commodity in decline ( as youth is a woman's most precious commodity), you have to just be willing to accept what you can get now or realize the longer you wait, the quality of the guy you can probably get is going to decline. That kind of realization doesn't typically happen to younger women. Probably because most people don't know the value of youth until they get older.

I think it splits two ways. If the man is an average earner and the woman looks her age or worse, then it's about accepting what you have to offer versus what you can give back. I think women who look much younger than 40 ( very very few of them do, no matter what anyone tells them or you) and men with very high earning power ( very very very few men have this) have a much more expansive range of mating options.

The rich get richer, the poor starve, and most people ride the middle. The game in essence, stays the same, I would wager even for 40 year olds.
 terrablue
Joined: 6/2/2008
Msg: 483
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/16/2008 12:52:54 AM
I would hope they are considering getting married if they are truly comfortable with what ever guy she has been dating and even living with.. to me it is an extremely big step..I have never even been engaged since a bogus relationship when I was 22 years old..
my track record sucks for long term 2-3 years is the best I've been able to achieve. so it seems that complicating our lives with the legal battle at the end would really benefit the lawyers and legal system

2 couples I know waited 13 and 15 years of sharing and living together. both are still married and living together 15 years later for one and three years later for the other..
desperate but okay with your self and hungry for a really great companion but desperate for marriage needs a serious look at who you are and your real values. poor judgement comes with desperation usually.

I would go as far as marriage but with a hell of a lot of caution not just going to zellers and wal mart and committing.. ooooppsss but that sounds foolish ladies.. be comfortable with you and maybe the dude you want will make the connection.
and it makes me proud with tears of joy to know people who have endured and worked it out.. long time marriage and better if long time love and no marriage and someday marry. javascript:smilie('')

if a woman is desperate one can only hope that the guy she finds has a crap load of patience and compassion to go slow enough.
 swtone12345
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 484
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/16/2008 4:56:56 AM
Hello ....

Desperate... to get married... hmmmmmm

I am over 40, been divorced for over 10 years, in which time I dated, but marriage
never entered my mind. Perhaps I never met anyone that even got close enuff,
dunno?! But for the most and truthful part, although I wish to meet a partner for a possible LTR, but I have no intentions, nor desires to get remarried again.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 485
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 6/16/2008 8:18:44 AM
I wouldn't call it "desperate" - I would call it knowing what she wants. Pursuing a relationship is a huge gamble, and many women have gambled and lost years of their lives with someone whom they had no future. Just because a woman is past childbearing years does not mean she has no future and her time is not as important as a younger woman. I have never been married (no kids of course) because I did not set boundaries with boyfriends - 2 years at a time on average. To perpetually date and keep seperate households in an exclusive relationship is tiring for a woman - living out of a suitcase on the weekends is exhausting and eventually creates resentment. Many of us have lifestyles that "shacking up" is not an option. I think after you get to know someone very well, there is nothing wrong with asking "What is the potential here?". Women want to go slow with a sexual relationship, but once you sleep together, women can easily assume that you want the relationship to move forward. (Even at our age we can be gullible under the influence of a man) When you're a young stud it's easier to get the milk for free. It becomes a lot harder for a guy as he gets older to find sex with no strings attached within a relationship, unless you happen to have a friend with benefits.
 charlierosefan
Joined: 9/22/2008
Msg: 486
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/6/2008 3:22:49 PM
For myself, it's because I don't value the "getting to know you" phase as much as I perceive that men do - in general - I think men are much more comfortable with casual relationships whereas women do not want to waste time with someone who is not willing or able to commit (there are a lot of them out there).
 veryordinary
Joined: 9/9/2008
Msg: 487
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/6/2008 3:47:55 PM
Well, I am over 40 and marriage is the last thing I want to do. Marriage is way overrated. It is only a piece of paper anyway. I think you must be dating desperate women.
 Chocolatebrowne
Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 488
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/6/2008 5:41:09 PM
Where are these "desperate to get married over 40 women?" They don't live in Central PA.....
 jackster121
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 489
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/7/2008 1:26:01 PM
I think whether you are a man or woman, some people as they age, do not wnat to be alone. I hate to say it this way, but some peopl do not want to die alone. It is not gender specific.
And not all women want to take it slow.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 490
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/9/2008 6:04:06 PM
I think whether you are a man or woman, some people as they age, do not wnat to be alone. I hate to say it this way, but some peopl do not want to die alone.


Well, unless they are planning a murder/suicide or drinking koolaide together, we all die alone. It's the LIVING the rest our days alone that's not as appealing. On our deathbed, it's the fulfilling relationships and connections with others that we've had that will really matter.

I find the answer "for financial stability" to be pretty insulting - as if women are too stupid and helpless to be able to support themselves. _ Especially by this age any woman should have a pretty solid vocation established instead riding along on some man's coat tails and having little self esteem.

I've been alone almost all of my adult life, I'm way overdue for something meaningful and lasting, and "Oh baby I'm not going anywhere" is not a real commitment in MY eyes. I'm not desperate, as it's better to be alone than in bad company, but at my age I have every right to be getting a little more impatient. I don't see drooling and being incontinent in a nursing home to be a prime opportunity for seduction and attracting a mate. See I think women are better at planning ahead and visualizing the future. Men are just live for today and get what they can from any woman they will give them the time.
 Enaid08
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 491
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/10/2008 8:43:17 AM
Marriage is THE last thing I am looking for.

Obviously this thread is a couple of years old; but I think that's probably a narrow view of what most women over 40 are looking for .

Relationships can be committed, loving, long lasting and satisfying without the ties that bind.

 Spitfire1956
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 492
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/10/2008 9:02:22 AM
Ohhh heavens noo...there is absolutely no desperation or even any thoughts about marriage with me..I think 2 marriages were enough to last me a lifetime. My 2nd marriage was a great one..but I'm not ready to even think about any other relationships....if it happens to fall in my lap then I would have to cross that bridge at that time..but as far as searching for it- no way.
 GiGi046
Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 493
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/10/2008 10:43:13 AM
I think somebody must have bumped their head.....NO WAY am I desperate to get married......I'm enjoying my life just the way it is besides nobody "has to married" ever....must be looking at the wrong women over 40 cause this one is definitely not in any hurry........
 prof48
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 494
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/10/2008 2:51:51 PM

I thought women always wanted "to go slow" ? Both women had grown children, so the old "biological clock" excuse won't wash. Please help me understand.

It's known as the vagaries of a small sample and that isn't a reference to the size of the people. We don't know the two strange ones that wandered across your path but with your sample size you can validate your results at something like 50%+/- 95%. Actually I'm exagerating a bit to make a point, but 50% +/- 49.5% would be a quite reasonable measure of the validity of your conclusions based on your sample size.
 Krystalpassion
Joined: 2/8/2006
Msg: 495
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/10/2008 3:43:02 PM
i think you are exaggerating about the next step. Perhaps after a few months the women you were dating thought you should know enough about them to be exclusuve but you still want to have your cake and eat it too. do her a favor and drop her if shes not 'the one' and stop using her till something better shows up or because your horny and she'll do.
 Nottoquiet
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 496
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 2/16/2009 6:38:30 AM
You are never too old for women your own age... many of us like their age group... Anyone that is not at least 45 is not in my league... and no we are not in a rush to get married again!!
 scottoliver
Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 497
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 2/16/2009 7:53:42 AM
Loose Willow ---> Thinking like that takes all the fun and games out of a relationship.

But I have to totally agree with you. In the past I dated a very nice lady pillar of the community type church goer. The longer we were in the relationship the stronger she would be on what, when and where we'd go and do. Partly it was because she had 2 kids and of course they need lots of attention. But in the end I grew weary of the all for her and the children. When I'd bring up going out on a date night say dinner and movie alone it was always rejected. Then with my work sometime involves some in state traveling which would make for some time together but she'd bring along a book and work from her job so really I was better off just leaving her behind.

Not every relationship would be that way. It always takes 2 to make a relationsip. Maybe if I would have done differently things might have worked out.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 498
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 2/16/2009 8:01:31 AM
I am over 40 and I am not in any hurry to get married. I do not know if that is what I would even want to do if I was involved with a man who seemed to be a great match. Maybe the women over 40 have realized that there are so many single women over 40 that they want to latch on to a man who is a keeper (marry him) before another woman snatches him up? My mother is 75, and there is a group of woman at her church that are all aged 60 and older who are called the vultures since they seem to circle and swoop when any new "male meat" arrives on the scene. When my father died, they were at the funeral home offering condolences, however they all voiced the opinion that my mother was so pretty that she would now really be competition for them. (she cares nothing about dating at all)....
 Brownlady1953
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 499
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 2/16/2009 8:38:49 AM
NOT ME, AND NOT MOST OF THE LADIES ON POF.....

We have better sense than that!
 catkin2007
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 500
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 2/16/2009 11:11:54 AM
Well OP, I don't know who these over 40 women are, but I can tell you I'm not one of them. I will not marry again unless its the right person for me... period.
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