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 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 551
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?Page 23 of 34    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34)
"afraid of commitment"

*snork* yeah right!

i've been engaged 3 times. i have no problem making a commitment to the right person.

and since someone will ask...

the first one died of cancer - he was 23, i was 22. it was horribly advanced when it was discovered and he only survived 6 months after diagnosis.

the second one came home from work one night a month after the doctor told us that there was no possible way i would ever be able to have children and told me that he didn't want to marry me any more. that was 12 years ago.

the third one... i met him here on PoF almost 4 years ago. figured this time i had really found The One. you can ask the people who post here who saw us together on many occasions about how much i adored him and how well-suited we were for each other. then almost 2 years ago, i got an email from someone telling me they found a profile for him on another dating site - one a little more "adult" in nature than this one. where he was looking for multiple partners for a swinging good time.

so i guess i have two "serious problems" - i can't have children and i trust the wrong people.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 552
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 9/14/2009 6:49:04 PM
maybe she is afriad of commitment..!!

So which is it? Afraid of commitment or desperate to get married? It can't be both........


Well maybe it can be - I'm terrified of commiting to the wrong man but I'm very willing to marry the right one. The right man? One who will make my life better than it already is - that's a tall order but not impossible. He has to be a willing participant and not just making a guest appearance.

Why is it when a man doesn't want to get married he's just a player - a confirmed bachelor, but when a woman chooses not to get married she is "desperate", "lonely", or is not playing her cards right? I don't need a wedding ring or a husband to validate me as an intelligent, desirable woman.
 outofthedesert
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 553
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 9/14/2009 6:50:32 PM
Question: why if a women she never married, it is assumed there is something wrong with her but if a man has never married, he is afraid of committment? Aren't people coming up with two different conclusions to the same question? People have lots of reasons why they have never married. Some recognize that they would not make good spouses or do not like what is involved-shouldn't that be a right with reprocussion?
Why is it that if it is different from your choice is is wrong?

There are lots of men over 40 who are desparate to get married because they never learned to cook and clean......................
 Esperanza
Joined: 2/15/2009
Msg: 554
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 9/14/2009 6:52:58 PM
I am over 40 and I am NOT desperate to get married. With some of the selections out there, why would I? If I ever do meet someone I like I want to get to know them a while before marriage is ever mentioned. With age comes wisdom. I don't want to continue down the same path of picking out the losers, time to move on and improve myself first.
 Esperanza
Joined: 2/15/2009
Msg: 555
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 9/14/2009 7:04:30 PM
outofthedesert

I have to agree. Why do women get blamed for the relationship issues? There are many, many dysfunctional men out there in the world, maybe more than women. Double Standard whatever is good for one is not good for another. It seems to be if someone does not agree with their choice and everyone else is wrong, wouldn't that be control issues? Whatever happened to "Freedom of Choice?".
 outofthedesert
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 556
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 9/14/2009 9:52:47 PM
Esperanza wanted to write you directly but your filters have blocked me. You are dead on with a great many of your posts.

The loss of Freedom of Choice is what you got when you promised to obey........

Never said it in my vows because I never intended to do that part. I want to be a partner not a servant.

Couple of my guy-pals have stated they want a partner but that a great many of the women they have met are like steamrollers...........

I think I will give up dating for lent and start 6 months early.............lent is always easier when you give up something you aren't doing or don't like............
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 557
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 9/15/2009 9:32:18 AM
I'd get married again...but I'm not desperate to.
I'd also be happy not being married again.
But it would be nice to know that there is someone
out there that would marry me even if we never did.

I don't think marriage is a bad thing...at least it wasn't
for me.
 Eowyn Bennett
Joined: 5/24/2005
Msg: 558
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/7/2009 1:05:50 AM
I am 52. Was married for 20 years.
Will NEVER EVER get married again. Marriage was the dumbest thing I ever did. (Other than the kids. )
Why any divorced woman would want to do it over again, i don't know.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 559
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/7/2009 5:59:46 AM
Interesting....women who want "long term" but would never get married again. Wonder how that works out.....

A guy has to commit himself to all the obligations but should not expect any of the benefits?
 blondblueyed
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 560
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/7/2009 6:21:04 AM

A guy has to commit himself to all the obligations but should not expect any of the benefits?


I haven’t heard but a handful of men view being married as a benefit, in well over a decade, especially if they are divorced. This is one of the main issues, for the most part as young women it was viewed as a wonderful thing to fall in love, marry and possibly start a family. We used to hear terms such as “better half”, “little woman”, “love of my life”, now all we hear is “tied down”, “Femi-Nazi” and “gold digger”, sure that makes us all want to rush out and pick out a china pattern. Much of this has turned women off from even dating let alone getting married.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 561
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/7/2009 6:41:25 AM
Just a reaction to a woman who's profile requests "long term", meaning monogamy, commitment, intimacy and friendship, while stating she would never wish to marry ever again.

I think that people this age should be pretty well aware of what the obligations of marriage are. Most places you are legally tied up with someone for the rest of your life. As to the benefits, they are reciprocal in the legal sense, and have a lot of pleasant characteristics otherwise. Again, if you are 60 and don't recognize any of the benefits of marriage, then I would say you definitely should not be in any hurry to marry. I would also suggest that asking for long term is pretty inconsistent.

This is not to say that I believe marriage to be in any way essential to a relationship. Only that I don't see a lot of difference between my interpretation of long term and what used to be described as marriage. To me, if you spend a decade with someone in an intimate relationship, its just a marriage by another name. If it isn't, then what is the difference?
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 562
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/7/2009 7:42:53 AM
Well, I guess I just missed the theme of the thread as to being about legal marriage, as distinct from a steady relationship. I would never get legally married again either. Mainly because the concept of marriage has been eroded to the meaningless. These days its just a money making machine for churches and lawyers, with far too many personal hazards and virtually no benefits, at least in the legal sense.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 563
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/7/2009 8:10:44 AM
I was married twice. The first time was a disaster, and I take at least some of the blame because I was just too young and naive to recognize him for the jerk he was. Oh yeah, benefits... he showed up with various men who handed me things to sign, it was a "formality" because we were married. i ended up with the 'benefit' of being responsible for his debts. And paying for the divorce.

The second time, he wasn't a jerk, he suited me to a T. But one of the "benfits" was untangling a mess of back taxes and money owed to the IRS. That only took a couple of years, but I did get it cleared up. The real benefit? Someone who always put me first. He may or may not have looked at other women - he was human, after all - but all he did was look. He was loyal to ME, and I never had any doubts about that. I think I was 40 or 41 when we got married - and we still would be if he hadn't died.

I like living with a man, but I'm still leery of the legal comittment of marriage. It would take a very special man to convince me it could work.

Desperate? No. Open to possibilities? Yes.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 564
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/7/2009 8:15:57 AM

Well, I guess I just missed the theme of the thread as to being about legal marriage, as distinct from a steady relationship. I would never get legally married again either. Mainly because the concept of marriage has been eroded to the meaningless. These days its just a money making machine for churches and lawyers, with far too many personal hazards and virtually no benefits, at least in the legal sense.

It doesn't matter what it means to churches and lawyers, or what someone elses concept is, all that matters is what it means to me and the person I would be considering it with.
 msprof
Joined: 7/1/2009
Msg: 565
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/7/2009 10:32:28 PM
This is interesting to me, as I feel that men are usually the ones looking for someone to marry. My interest is in dating, but I usually see men post long term as a desire.

I'm not sure as to why the women you chose wanted to get married. Is it that you are just too desirable?

Yes. I would prefer to go slow.
 msprof
Joined: 7/1/2009
Msg: 566
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/7/2009 10:35:09 PM
Wow! I agree with you. I really never wnat to get married again either. Once was plenty for me. You are right; it is a money making machine.. Why should people need a license to be together?
 daffie
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 567
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/7/2009 11:51:38 PM
are they?
geez...i never knew that...

then again...
i don't have any desperate friends...male or female....

maybe you should acquaint yourself with a different type of woman...
one who is happy and doesn't need any ol' man to complete her world...

(we are around you know...
millions of us...lol)

you should also think about bottling that hunkiness and charm you obviously have...
maybe you could do the right thing and share it with the less fortunate among your fellow pofers...
 Eowyn Bennett
Joined: 5/24/2005
Msg: 568
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/8/2009 12:04:15 AM
Kari, first I would like to extend my regrets to you on the death of your late husband.

Then... I have been reading the responses to my note yesterday.

I see no real difference between marriage and living together. Except a lot of money spent on churches and caterers. Once we have lived together for a short time all the "benefits'" of marriage are there. Protection for ourselves, our property, our children.

Most people of our age have some form of property by now... maybe a house? We should not get into any long term relationship, legal marriage involved or not, without making an agreement ahead of time on... property split in case of break up. Keeping our children first in line for inheritance, etc. I have a house and land, made a promise to my parents and my ex that my children would inherit it and that IS going to happen, no matter how starry eyed I might get.

So... I have protection for my property, protection for my children, protection in case the guy turns out to be violent or creepy in any way. Why marry?
If you have a firm commitment to the church, then, I can see it, it is a way of declaring your relationship before God.
I am agnostic, not declaring my relationship or anything else to a Lord who I have such firm doubts in.

Give me a good reason for marriage.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 569
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/8/2009 5:19:16 AM

maybe you should acquaint yourself with a different type of woman...
one who is happy and doesn't need any ol' man to complete her world...


And why would such a woman have any interest in having a relationship with a man? Sex?

I should think that most men would be looking for a woman who wants to build a new and complete world with a male partner. Something that is more than their individual worlds.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 570
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/8/2009 6:19:15 AM
Context, Pheobe, you have to ask the question in its context. Leaving out "such a woman" sort of makes your question tangential.

Indeed, I am sure that there are many men who are happy and complete in their lives as singles, who would be quite happy to have a relationship with a woman for sex. In the context of my original post, that would indeed be shallow, and that would indeed have been my point.
 xam elcnu
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 571
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/8/2009 11:26:27 AM
>>Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?<<

...Because they miss that feeling of being in control.

You see, from 20 to 40, men actually believe relationships are 50/50, a shared compromise by each partner.

...But after 40, after most men's mid life crisis...men wisen up and realize that the 50/50 shared compromise was really more like..."she gets what she wants and he gets what she wants."

shhhhhhh, I let the cat out of the bag.

UM

 Sassysouthernbelle762
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 572
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/8/2009 12:01:22 PM
I have been divorced for 27 years and haven't been in a rush to get remarried in 27 years, lol We both made a huge mistake but he has gotten married twice since our divorce.
I will consider marriage under certain conditions:
1. He must be a Billion with no heirs
2. He must be over 95 years of age
3. He must give me all of his money BEFORE we get married.
4. He must croak before it's time to consumate the marriage

JUST KIDDING, lol
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 573
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Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/8/2009 12:14:05 PM
""Kari, first I would like to extend my regrets to you on the death of your late husband.""

Thanks. By the end it was a relief to both of us, but at least he got to stay home until the very end.

""Give me a good reason for marriage.""

Depending on the laws in your state (if you live in the US), you may already be married by common law. It can be a real bugger to untangle such a situation. Divorce can be easy in comparison. I used to know a lawyer who was one of the most relaxed, laid back people I've ever known, unless that particular subject came up. It's fairly common, or was, in Alaska, but it wasn't the state that created the problems, it was insurance companies. Imagine having two people living together, having children together, homestead and fishing gear together, then having one of them die. Usually the insurance company pays off as though it were to a spouse/surviving children, but there are times... And just try explaining it all to the IRS.

Then there are the ones who split after years of accumulating joint property, etc, and according to my lawyer friend, the easiest way to sort everything out was for them to GET married, then immediately get divorced.
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 574
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/16/2009 5:35:16 PM
getting married after 40 doesn't really qualify as long term..not as long term as getting married at 20...marriage is for the rest of your life and not the good part of your life...the old and ugly part of your life...so get realistic when you marry after 40...
 FarmExe
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 575
Why are women over 40 so desperate to get married?
Posted: 10/16/2009 6:54:09 PM
I'm not desperate to get married with anyone. I do like to get married with the right one.
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