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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off wi      Home login  
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 Railroadman
Joined: 9/22/2007
Msg: 1
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the fatherPage 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
After reading tons of posts on different subjects I always come back to the same conclusion, it seems to me most women think a child is better off with the mother vs. being with the father. Now it some circumstances I believe if the father was a abusive toward the child then obviously the kid is better off. But in alot of cases the mother automatically gets custody of the child. Even the courts are more geared towards women. Why is it that men have to prove the mother is unfit in order to get custodial rights to the child. I dont agree with the courts because the mother doesnt have to prove anything in order to get the same rights. Women automatically assume the kid has to live with the mom if a couple splits up. What if both parents are good parents? Why cant the father get custody without trying to prove the mother is unfit, is it because women or courts or both think men cant raise a child on there own? Is it because people think mothers love there kids more than fathers? I dont understand it, I am not looking for trash talk with this post, just honest questions and I would like to get some other insight into it from both men and women.
 damage0073
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 2
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/23/2007 5:19:11 PM
The sad truth of it is, there are tons of good fathers and children out there who are having their rights infringed upon, not only by the family courts, but also by the women who abuse and take advantage of this flawed system for whatever reason.

I am speaking from personal experience. In no way am I saying that all mothers do this, but some do with total disreguard to their children and how this will effect them.
 apollo84
Joined: 4/15/2007
Msg: 3
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/23/2007 5:58:55 PM
I have been fighting for over a year to get my kids back. in that time I have learned two thinks. no matter what the mother does the court will favor her over the Father. And a lot of people and women seam to think right off the bat that if you are a father and trying to get your kids back, its only to try and hurt the mother...
 damage0073
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 4
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/23/2007 7:25:57 PM
I agree with you to a certain extent on the breastfeeding issue. There is an alternative to having to buy formula, a breast pump. I don't know the situation with your ex and wether he wants to spend alot of time with the baby after he/she is born. Myself, I spent alot of time with both of my children from when they were newborns til this current day. I bonded with them at that early age, and anyone who sees or knows us can see that bond now. My children are 11 and 6 now.

I think that the distance between parents shouldn't matter, what should matter is wether the parent that lives that distance away has the ability and are responsible enough to get the children to and from school or any other activity that the children are involved in.

I live in Michigan, and know how hard it is here. But I still fight for everything I can. Not only do my kids want to spend more time with me, they would prefer to live with me. I have a court date next week, hopefully some changes will be made. Wish me luck.
 damage0073
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 5
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/23/2007 9:36:28 PM

yup you are right, these kids need their fathers,,but its not always the fault of the mother that the father isnt involved in the life of their child(ren) . what these kids really need is both parents playin on the same team for the benefit of the kid.
most situations are the parents arent together for any number of reasons and the father seems to be comfortable in his delusion that seeing his kid(s) every weekend or every other weekend is enough. they dont seem to understand the importance of parent teacher conferences, or their attendance at them. or the doc appts,, or extra curriculars their kids are in, or just doing an evening or three during the week, calling all the time,, ACTUALLY BEING INVOVLED.

paying your support and doing the weekend visitation is not being a father,, thats bein a buddy! so no,, say what you want dads,, and you know all know which ones im talkin about. are you actually sitting there typing that its the moms who are totally at fault when kids go astray who's dads didnt bother to stay involved?

Maybe things wouldn't be this way is the system wasn't extremely flawed, and the people that take advantage of this flaw and use it against the father of their children. Point blank, I didn't ask for weekend visits, it was forced upon me.

Its kind of funny that you bring up the importantance of school issues. Here is a little back story for you. She has changed my childrens schools the past 3 years. Last school year, my children missed around 30 days of school and were tardy 100, my oldests grades are D's and E's, youngests sons grades are C's and D's. This school year, she did not get them registered and going to school until the 4th week of school. Already, they have missed 2 days and tardy like 6. She has attended no parent teacher conferences, I attended 2 last school year. I asked her to let the boys live with me during the school year so I could get them back and forth to school and help them with homework, she said no... I got her to agree to let me get them a couple days a week to help them with their homework, then changed her mind at the last minute. She then told my oldest son "your dad is an ***hole for asking that because I am doing a good job". One day, she didn't pick the kids up after school, I received a call from some woman 4 hours after school let out saying I have your sons, I immediately left work and picked my sons up. This is only the tip of the iceberg, I could go on and on about shit that goes on, but whats the point. Obviously, since I am forced to be a weekend buddy, my wanting to do more and what not for my sons is only self serving. My sons are 11 and 6.
 damage0073
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 6
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/24/2007 5:15:03 PM
In responce to trish.


that wasnt a back story, it was your story. and its not the commonplace story either.it does seem one sided.

Well, according to all these school records, CPS records, police reports, and a report from the county truant officer, my side of the story happens to have the advantage of being the truth, plain and simple.


those are the situations where guys are just stepping aside thinking,, thats a mom territory thing. hell ya see it in married couples,, more moms than dads at these conferences, etc.

This is their fourth week of school, already I have been in contact more with my oldest sons teachers, due to him being behind almost a month, not turning in homework, ect ect.. They try to reach her, leave voicemails and get no responses.


Why did the kids change schools?

The reason/excuse I was given is the same everytime, X school has a really good science program that my oldest son would like because hes into science. The reasons I think is that she was looking bad at each paticular school because of my childrens poor attendance and tardies.


Why did they miss or were tardy so many times?

Simply because their mother is irresponsible.


What were their grades they got in school?

I already posted what their grades were, and yup, while sitting here looking at his report cards, they are still D's and E's. And yes, I counted preschool as a year of school for my youngest.


what did you ask for then? and since you see the situation as it is now,, what is stopping you from going back into court to modify that custody/visitation order? ya know huney,, life doesnt just happen to us, we do have a part in it.

I asked for 50/50, she agreed but would never sign anything for it. So I involved the Friend of the Court, she got physical custody, with no real reason as to why. I got forced to be a weekend dad... I do have a court date next wednesday to try to change things. I am doing what I can right now and have been for a while now, hopefully after next week, I will be able to do more.
 damage0073
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 7
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/24/2007 8:43:28 PM
Trish, I am as involved with my children as I can be, I have posted so. It seems either you have a short memory, selective memory, or just skim through and throw out your absurd opinions and assumptions.

You want the holes filled in, here you go. Iamtheone hit the nail on the head with saying, (There are some moms out there believe it or not that cannot be reasoned with in a normal everyday tone,unfortunately. These are the same moms that are always saying the Dad doesn't have anything to do with the kids,yet she hides them and does everything in her power to make visitation inconvenient. Some Dads have no choice,but to distance themselves from them.), but instead of just distancing myself from the situation, I do everything I can do to be a part of my childrens lives and to comfort them.

Her calling my 11yr old a stupid mother****er because he is having alot of trouble in school due to her irresponsibility, thats A-1 parenting right there...
 damage0073
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 8
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/25/2007 4:59:48 PM
angelah, I posted multiple times in this thread that I am involved with their school. I've gone to parent teacher conferences, I keep track of his missed work/homework and get on him about it over the weekend. I went up to the school and met his teachers, explaining to them some of the problems he has in school. I give them my number(which his mother didn't) and told his teachers they can call me anytime if a problem should arise. Not too suprising, I get a phone call a couple times a week because they cannot reach his mother, and she does not return calls after they have left her messages. I DO everything I can possibly do right now. What I CANNOT DO, is physically get him to and from school, I CANNOT make sure he does his homework outside of a phone call, that most of the time does not get returned, and I CANNOT physically make sure he is at school daily in a timely manner.

trish,
(then ask yourselves this key question "what is my constant berading of the kids mom doing to the kids view of not just her, but me as the guy who bullied mom?"
yeah, i know,, you never considered that one either.)
Theres an assumption... Is it not?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 9
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/25/2007 6:17:27 PM
I never understood why ANY parent (mother or father) would try to keep the other from seeing THEIR child, except for the abuse thingy. After that, it's plain old SELFISH on their part and they should be ashamed!!!!! Using breast feeding, nuturing, etc by the females shows your true colours, and just another excuse to jam it down your EX partners throat. Is it any wonder "some" men throw up their hands and run. Then we hear the whining from the other side.

I really don't get "people" sometimes, especially the way "some" use their kids as pawns. Shame, shame, shame. Totally unjust to the young ones that deserve a LOT better.
 damage0073
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 10
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/25/2007 7:43:03 PM
trish,
I do not berate their mother infront of them or to them. It is the complete opposite, I guess maybe you read it wrong, or I typed it out wrong. Just to clear the air and any confusion here, she told my son that I am an ***hole for asking for the boys to live with me during the school year so I can get them to and from school, and help them with their homework. When she said no, I got her to agree to letting me have them a couple nights a week to help with homework, at the last minute she decided not to let me help them. This was when they first started school this school year, 3 weeks late I will add, and with ALOT of school work to catch up on. To answer your last question as to what is stopping me from doing any of that stuff, she is. She uses them as a tool to get at me or punish me or whatever.

angelah,
yes I have asked to do that stuff, it was covered previously in this thread, its also covered in this post above. She drives them to school, and from what my oldest son tells me, she does not get up and get them up in time for school quite frequently. BTW, thanks for that phone suggestion, I never thought about that, but its an awesome idea. 8)

Am I emotional when it comes to my children and the way they are treated and neglected? Yes. Am I frustrated about it? Yes. Am I doing everything I can think of to try to change the way things are for them? Hell yes.
 damage0073
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 11
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/25/2007 9:44:29 PM
She works a 9-5 shift. The neglect thing I've posted about already, but here we go. She didn't pick them up from school, she had them walk to a near by park to be picked up if shes not there when they get out(no I didn't know about the park thing until that day), I got a call 4 hours after school was out from a woman saying I have your children here. I immediately drive there and pick them up, while thanking the lady, she tells me that she has been trying to reach their mother for the past 2 hours. This woman is a complete stranger to us... My children were very lucky that this kind hearted woman seen them and kept an eye on them...
 damage0073
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 12
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/25/2007 9:47:25 PM
"lol,, do you think that i am damages ex? no offense damage but this guy,, lol,, omg."

LoL, I think he is trying to asnwer multiple peoples posts in one big paragraph. Good advice none the less.
 rockondon
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 13
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History
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/25/2007 10:17:23 PM

Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father

because times are changing....slowly
 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 14
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History
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/25/2007 10:22:45 PM
I think its an automatic thought because most men don't inherently have the maternal instinct that many women seem to be born with.
'Some' men don't have the tools to satisfy all the children's emotional needs the way 'some' women could/do.
 damage0073
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 15
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/26/2007 9:57:27 PM
trish,
I did file a police report about it, I picked them up, grabbed them some food, then drove to the police station, I also let her know that I was doing that and she was at the police station trying to plead her case before I got there. CPS has also been involved. The police said they wouldn't do anything unless it becomes habitual. Here are the actual findings from CPS. As for why they are not getting up since she has work, I couldn't tell you. I dont grill my sons when I get them about stuff thats going on other then have you gone to school ect ect.. They tell me alot, but I let it be them that brings it up.

About filing for custody, I filed for custody at the FOC for a hearing, only to find out it was only a meeting with the Family Counselor assigned to our judge. She didn't show up the first two times and the counselor keeps saying that their mother needs to be there and if shes not this next time they will give me the relief I want. I decided to hire a lawyer and we filed an emergency motion for change of physical custody.

There is a preponderance of evidence to substantiate the allegation that XXX XXXX was responsible for the improper supervision of children XXX and XXX XXXX for the following reasons.

-XXX XXXX failed to remove her children from a situation that a reasonable person would realize requuires judgment beyond her 6 and 10 year old children's level of maturity and responsibility, that may have resulted int he bodily harm of XXX and XXX XXXX .

-XXX XXXX allowed her children to remain unattended at a playground near their school from 2:15pm to 6:00pm without needed transportation or supervision arrangements.

This case will be opened/closed as a Category 3, as this has been assessed as a moderate risk case. Ms. XXXX has made appropriate future plans for the transportation and supervision of XXX and XXX XXXX after they get out of school, and is aware of community resources that can be utilized for day care and children's supervision. XXX XXXX will not be placed on Central Registry.
 friskey
Joined: 2/11/2006
Msg: 16
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Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/27/2007 11:02:29 AM
I agree witht the womenMost men Maybe not the ones that think they are better but most Need to go out and score chicks in the mean time and the little ones hold you down...
 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 17
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/27/2007 11:41:51 AM
I have to agree with you. The mother is not always the best parent. I know a few cases where the mother was truly unfit and it took a huge fight for the father to get the kids. In the end, if they keeps after it, the right parents ends up with custody. It's ashame that the legal system can't open it's eyes and do the math first. I have many issues with the way custody and child support and visitation is handled. It's not fair across the board and the parents that get hurt the most by it are the ones who are trying to be in thier kids lives..but I guess that's another thread.

I think the overall opinion is that the women is the natural caregiver and therefore should get the kids. Women are the ones who bear the children and the ones who, traditionally, raise them. I know this is slowly changing as women get more involved jobs and men become more active in thier childrens lives. But as it stands today the women is still more likely to be the primary caregiver even in a two parent household. The courts are merely following this trend. Traditionally, the father is the one who is out of the home more, making the money or doing whatever else they need to support the family. This trend is changing, albeit slowly. Men are still the primary breadwinner while women are the primary caretakers. I don't think it has anything to do with courts thinking men can't raise children on there own. I just think they are following traditional family roles. I have seen cases where the men get custody of thier children right out of divorce court. Admittingly these are extreme cases. But it's a good sign that the courts are recognizing the trend of men increasing thier time spent in the home and women increasing thier time spent out of it. Until that reaches a 50/50 split or more I think courts are going to continue to favor the women. They are the natural caregivers, that is, since the beginning, their primary function, whereas men where always the ones to bring home the bacon..even prior to civilazation being the way it is today. Until we see the gender roles dissovle, we won't see a major change in the courts decisions.

PS..I didn't read any of the responses..sorry if this is all said already..
 damage0073
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 18
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 10/28/2007 3:33:16 PM
trish,
I have a paper trail right now. As for requesting for being the subsequent afterschool care person, I will bring that up with my attorney on Wed when we go to court. It seemed we may have misunderstood each other in the begining, and I apologize for jumping on you a little bit. I do appreciated the advice you have given me and will definately bring up some of these points with my lawyer and decide what to do.
 antrinale
Joined: 6/20/2007
Msg: 19
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 11/12/2007 7:06:14 AM
goodmoring to all the readers out their.it's not who should the kids be with or not be with if you love your kids and you are the responsable adult in your relationship then you knows what is best for the kids or kid it clearly states that you and you mate had a bad deviorce and you are trying to prove a point to her or the word well just to let u know something we do not care about you and the mother we care about the kids and so thats life so keep up the good work and at the end ity will pay off i am out
 STADoc
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 20
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Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 12/4/2007 1:28:06 PM
I've often wondered that.
I guess in my case my kids could have learned all about jails, drugs, prostitution and abuse. Maybe its an educational thing.
 desertrhino
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 21
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Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 12/4/2007 9:45:58 PM
I've had my kids for 8 years now. They're 16 and 10. Before that, I was active in my son's life, as active as anyone, even working 80-100 hours a week in grad school. And with my daughter, I was the stay-at-home dad who took her to my now-ex-wife's school so she could breast feed 3 times a day. Until my ex- disappeared for 6 weeks, ostensibly studying for Boards, but demonstrably going to bars most nights with her new friends from med school, and crashing at their houses/apartments. She didn't even fight me for the kids.

Even my ex-wife doesn't think the kids would be better off with her. She used to threaten a custody battle when she wanted things, but... {shrug} She makes 5-6 times what I do. More, really, with bonuses. She pays child support and takes the kids alternate weekends and a chunk of the summer.

HOWEVER... I've had several women tell me point blank they were sure my ex- was either a drug-abuser or institutionalized, OR I was a complete jackass who stole the kids from my ex- with expensive lawyering. And very damn few want anything to do with a man who's got kids around 90% of the time (I know, another thread, but still...)

As for why? I guess it's just a holdover from the 1950s (and earlier) where the man has nothing to do with the kids except tossing a ball around and providing $$$. Old habits die hard and all.
 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 22
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 12/29/2007 12:45:45 PM
Take your daughter and run..leave the country before they can stop you and don't look back..that's what i'd do.. From what you said she sounds crazy and if you were a women talking about her ex..that's what you'd be advised to do.. or something similar to it..

PS you can both have a bond with your daughter..just because she bonds with someone else doesn't mean she is no longer bonded with you..
 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 23
Why is it most women automatically think the a child is better off with the mother vs. the father
Posted: 1/4/2008 9:53:12 PM

95% + of all men in prison, 80+ of all rapists and pedophiles all come from single mother households as do the majority of prostitutes and drug addicts. Most of those fathers did not leave willingly but were thrown out in 'no-fault' divorces.


Sorry to pick this line out, but I have a question.. Of these people studied how many of them had abusive fathers that thier mothers kicked out? How many of them had thier fathers walk out and never come back? How many of them had a role model in the father who did those things? Is this all still the mothers fault? Of the ones studied is is proven that none of the above happened beyond a resonable doubt? I don't argue your fact, only the point you are trying to make. Of course sometimes the child is better with the dad. I have male friends who have custody and more who should. I just can't stand how it's always the single mother who is at fault. Perhaps if the dad hadn't walked out (or one of the other scenarios listed above?)that particular person wouldn't be in jail?

Oh..and how is dumping them for adultry exempt? I agree with you that they should be dumped if they commit adultry, I just don't see how that is any less damaging to a child then splitting up for any other reason.
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