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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Girl  > Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?      Home login  
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 mcbobly
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 3
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

Women like this have very low self esteem,other wise,they wouldn't tolerate someone abusing them

Exactly


Abused women don't see things the way you and I do.
It's sad,because most of these women won't leave their partners until a tragedy
occurs.


You're so right, sadly for them and those that care about them.

My mother was with an abusive man for many yrs,and not only did it take a toll
on her,but it took a toll on me as well.


As was my sister, and it took a toll on out whole family too.
 Seavoyage
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 4
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 10/28/2007 9:26:08 PM
The woman has had a long relationship with the person. It is very possible she was raised in a family where either her mother or father was abusive, and she so wanted their love and doesn't realize she keeps playing some of those old tapes.
She wants so much for things to be right with this guy as if she has something to prove by having it work. Eventually, she will learn, but hopefully before things get very bad for her. If a man abuses a woman in that situation, she did choose to be with a man who chose to abuse her several times. It does not absolve him of his actions, but her choice puts her in a compromising situation that she shouldn't put herself in. Both people need therapy, not that I am trying to judge the girl...
 thatguy276
Joined: 7/9/2007
Msg: 5
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 10/29/2007 1:21:41 AM
Seems as tho alot of women see nice guys as having "wuss" qualities and subconsciously stick them in the dreaded friend zone with a life sentence.
This chick sounds like a classic case of what psychologists call the "honeymoon syndrome." Things are going great in the beginning (known as the honeymoon period), then the guy gets abusive for whatever reason and the girl leaves. The guy then realizes he's losing her, has a change of heart, talks things over with the girl, makes a bunch of empty promises (that may be legit at the time, but without a total lifestyle change, will inevitably be broken) to change and that things will be different, and usually are for a little while (honeymoon period), then it just starts all over again. The woman usually goes back for one of three reasons: 1) she's gullable enough to beleave he's really changed this time and loves the feeling she has during the honeymoon period. 2) Fear that something bad will happen to her or a loved one if she doesn't go back. 3) It's the only type of relationship she's ever known, that's what she perceives as normal, has developed strong feelings for the abuser, and really doesn't know how to have a "normal" relationship.
 that sam i am
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 6
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 10/29/2007 2:14:36 AM
It's referred to as the "Stockholm Syndrome." Look it up.
 thatguy276
Joined: 7/9/2007
Msg: 7
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 10/29/2007 3:01:35 AM
Stockholm is when someone is kidnapped or something of that nature and sympathyses with their captor. Not the same thing.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 8
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 10/29/2007 4:59:39 AM
Not all women do this...some don't date abusive guys to begin with. Some of us have learned that it's better to be single than deal with someone who would treat us worse than we treat ourselves.

Women who do this tend to have low self esteem, a need for approval and a history of abuse in their pasts - just like children of alcoholics can become attracted to the same traits in a new SO, victims of abuse can do the same. Women like that will always be in danger of gravitating back to having to earn love from someone than stay with someone who gives it freely - they simply feel they don't deserve it, they've been told that enough to believe it. They also actually fall for the neediness the ex displays when they threaten to leave ("I have to stay, he needs me"). Lastly, an abuser will threaten to hurt others in the process of controlling her, and she might stay with him to protect friends, family and a potential new guy from having to deal with him.

It's hard to understand the train of thought, but know this: unless and until a woman gets proper counseling and relearns how to be in a healthy relationship, they are prone to repeating this behavior with the ex, or with a new person with the same tendencies.
 Billie Jean
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 9
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/12/2008 9:17:59 PM
Let me give you a first hand perspective. I am separated from an abusive husband. I took him back, twice. Hoping for the best. It took me to get some serious therapy before I was able to make a clean break. I am guilty of doing the things this chick has done to you. It became the old joke, "BJ makes nice guys cry" I hated that.

Now that we have that out of the way, this is why they do it.... They have something in them that makes them think they don't deserve better, some are addicted to it, the abuser is in their head, and the BIGGEST reason, at least for me anyway, was... Being treated right is foreign, so they feel out of their element. They are not sure how to react. I know it may sound a bit goofy, but it's the same as someone who has been in prison so long that they become institutionalized.

I am sorry that you are one of the nice guys that has had the suffer the consequences for the actions of others.
 Billie Jean
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 10
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/12/2008 9:32:58 PM
I don't know about Stockholm Syndrome, but my therapist said it's battered wife syndrome. He also said that it has only been recently recognized and given a name.
 letshavfun
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 11
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/13/2008 11:28:17 AM
I dated and fell in love with a woman for a year and a half who was being physically and mentally abused and was 'definitely' leaving her husband for me. (LOL) Well, she didn't. A year has passed by. Now I can truly reflect. First, she needed me daily, and used to call me in secret 20+ times a day. We'd meet when she could. She needed to hear the things I would tell her - how wonderful she was, beautiful, etc.. He had torn her down - at least so she said. Now, over a year later, I wonder if she told me the total truth. She had two young kids, which was always the reason she couldn't leave 'just yet' - but she was going to do it 'any day now'. I know now I was her diversion from reality. We ended it ended 10 times, but she always begged her way back into my life, each time citing the terrible thing 'he' had done to her the night before. But she stayed. WHY? Well, in the end, she had screwed up her own life, $20K in credit card debt, and was terrified to leave. It's such a long story. It would take pages to explain, but I'll tell you this, never ever let yourself fall in love with a woman who is in an abusive relationship like that. She'll tell you anything to get you to stay, and 99% of the time she won't leave. It breaks your heart, believe me. That's what she uses as her hook to keep you, too. She knows it's killing you inside, and that you'll wait and wait and wait. DON'T! Give her a serious "leave now or I'm gone" - and mean it. Don't look back. Don't give her a way to contact you - leave. Don't answer her calls. I'm so totally serious, I don't know what to say. She is using you. If she wants you - for real - she will file for divorce and protection right now. She'll file police reports. She'll leave him and come and find you with proof in hand. Again, get the heck away and don't look back. You have no idea how bad it can get. We finally broke it off, and it was torture to do so. But guess what - her husband knew about me and didn't care. I saw her the other night in a bar parking lot at midnight, hiding in her husband's car talking on her cell phone - like she used to do with me. Wonder who she was talking to? Poor **stard. I hope he doesn't go as far as I did.
 letshavfun
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 12
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/13/2008 12:38:20 PM
Let me add one more thing. Make sure you give the woman all phone numbers necessary to get help - crisis lines, lawyers, etc... It's important for you to know you've provided to her help, and that it's now up to her.

Then - leave.
 mcbobly
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 13
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/13/2008 5:06:41 PM

Didn't you say the other day "once a cheater always a cheater"? Yet you're dating someone in a relationship. hmmmmm

Is this directed at me? If so you NEED to re-read my original thread. I said she WAS involved with and abusive EX and was going to go back and try it again. I did NOT say she was still with him. We began seeing each other while they were apart , before they talked and decided to try "again" to see if it would work. Thanks for the input though.
 776877
Joined: 10/13/2007
Msg: 14
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/13/2008 11:44:52 PM
I agree with GMM, I have heard the exact phrase from two women who I thought were smart etc...they LOVED the drama! If they didn't get it then they created it and then of course everyone and their brother blames the guy. One girl played a recording of how her boyfriend yelled at her...let me tell you she was egging him on to the point of disbelief and she played it to me for sympathy not realising that I never looked at her the same way again.



I hope to be proven wrong but I think once a woman has been in one of those relationships its nigh on impossible to have a 'normal' relationship with them. Damaged goods, move on.
 mcbobly
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 15
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/14/2008 5:24:57 PM

im normal .....i did finalley get out

Good to see you made it out ok there joolsy, I commend you on your bravery to finally break free of that horrible existence. My sister went through that some crap for many years, from abusive relationship to the next and as much as I tried to help her, she would just keep going back. I know there are a myriad of reasons that women go back and I commend those that get away and yet I also feel very sorry for those that remain in those dead end relationships. I was just looking for some input as to why it happens.
 subtwo
Joined: 3/11/2008
Msg: 16
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/14/2008 5:30:11 PM
My take - I have seen the battered wife victims, and it's really sad. They have my heartfelt sympathies.

But, I have also seen women use this to hold onto a guy, just like was mentioned above, and it's scary. To say that these types of women want the 'drama' is absolutely correct.

Again, some of these situations are horrible - but some are purposely created by women who are - bored - and they love it. They don't care about the consequences, because 'anything' is better than the boredom they've dug themselves into.

These women need psychiatric help.

What's sad is that there's nothing you can really do to these types except wise up and leave them. They get away scot-free with ruining a person's life, then move on their next victim. Should be a law....
 missdolly
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 17
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/15/2008 8:10:32 PM
It's in a Woman's nature to nurture. Mother Nature made it that way so they would stick around and care for the children.


It takes some longer to know when it's time to quit.

MistressDolly
 letshavfun
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 18
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/19/2008 9:01:38 AM
Well, I see there are some out there who understand the DRAMA NEEDED syndrome. I wonder how many guys - or gals - have fallen victim to this trap? It's really sad how far some will go to add drama to their lives.
 letshavfun
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 19
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/20/2008 12:54:49 PM
I do understand what you're saying. I appreciate your thoughts on this. Many times, I felt that's what I was. Alas, it ended horribly. I'm glad it's over. Has taken months to get back to normal, but I think I'm finally there now.

What about her, you ask? I have no idea. I don't think she has changed at all. I still her racing around town, alone. Hanging in bars, sneaking behind her husband's back to make phone calls.

It was all about drama, and she has to have it. I'm out.
 letshavfun
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 20
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/21/2008 6:20:12 AM
Well, my situation was pretty classic. I even set her up with Artemis, an abuse group, and took her to a lawyer. What I didn't know at the time was that this was all show. It was all for my benefit, so I'd retain constant hope that she was 'really' going to hold to her promise and leave the guy.

In the end, she chose material things. Her car, her house, and she was willing to do whatever she had to in order to keep them.

My opinion - yes, she was being abused for real, but she didn't think she deserved any better, and wasn't willing to get out for someone who really cared about her. But in addition, I was her outlet from all of this.

Until I wanted more.

And I made so many sacrifices - you have no idea. In the end, she jumped through the open window she always kept by her side. Her husband knew about it, but knew she would never leave.

It was all about money, too. IF I had an income of $200,000 /yr or more, I'll bet she'd have left in a heartbeat.

That's the facts.
 letshavfun
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 21
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/21/2008 12:23:53 PM
Just forget it.
I have work to do.
 letshavfun
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 22
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/22/2008 12:58:18 PM
To the last poster - you'll catch he__ for that one, but to be honest, when someone grows up that way, and doesn't know any other way of life, they think it's part of life. And abusive husbands are very convincing, as they tear down their wives self esteem day after day, in game-like fashion. I'm not saying they love it, but some really think their abuse is what's in their 'hand of cards' for their life. They feel they deserve nothing better. This feeling came from either their growing up years, or what's been done to them since they were married.

Most women aren't whack, though, but I think women 'have' changed their ways of thinking over the years, and I for one don't understand it all anymore. Tired of trying. I know I'm honest, and that's enough for me.
 iloveuhere
Joined: 3/5/2008
Msg: 23
Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/26/2008 5:43:09 PM
because they still want to be f*cked by them. Plain and simple
 lonesome wonderer
Joined: 12/26/2007
Msg: 24
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 4/26/2008 8:14:58 PM
call me stupid, call me an idiot, call me what ever you like.....when i first started with the committed relationship with my ex boyfriend he strangled me to the point where i blacked out. something was going on between my family and i and i really didn't care about anything. back in 4/05 he ended up kicking me in my nose and breaking it on me. a month later he and i split up....he stayed in his apartment and i moved out. i'm not with him anymore but he was a good piece as iloveuhere pretty much mentioned. i've been living alone in my trailer for over 2 years now and he and i parted as friends. he would never lay his hand on me to hurt me again, not even in my own home. he knows i could have shot him then (the state trooper asked me why didn't i shoot him once i told him i have a hand gun) and i will not hesitate to shoot him if he caused harm to me in my own home.

the reason that he and i stayed together (i didn't go back since at the time we never broke up) was because i was in love with him and i felt that he was in love with me too and was hoping that things would have changed. to me, everyone deserves a 2nd chance..........but that doesn't mean that there's any other chances after that.
 mcbobly
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 25
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 5/3/2008 7:25:58 PM

Maybe just maybe the story was a one sided fabricated story, I know now that the abusiveness in a relationship may perpetrated by the person telling you she/he was abused and not the alleged abuser as you are led to believe

Totally not the case. I know her dam well and him very well and know for a fact he is that type. I have seen and heard his anger and temperament, and keep in mind this is a 53 y.o. man perpetrating this heinous act against her. Thankfully now things have finally gone the right way and he is nearly out of the picture for good now. It took her making it crystal clear she wanted nothing to do with him anymore and he is not welcome to come over unless she has me or other company near by that might help if needed. He has a very short fuse and angers very easily, but she has come to realize that he was a mistake and she is correcting it. So no, it was not a fabricated or BS story, it was real.
 ligonmaximus
Joined: 4/23/2006
Msg: 26
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 5/4/2008 1:45:39 PM
I have no idea that you will read this since this post is old now. My aunt was with several abusive men. She was married four times!!!!!! One of the guys was particularly bad. He not only affected my cousin's upbringing (who is in prison now for the past 15 years) he affected my sister and my upbringing just by him living next door. That being said I am sorry that your sister was treated horribly.

I think there is more to it then the fact that many women with abusive men have self esteem issues and/or looking for a dominant figure because either their father was abusive or they did not have one.

Attraction comes into play as well. A lot of ladies love men who are strong, masculine, have no trouble saying no to them, and men who have a spine. Because truly masculine men are hard to find, I think the ladies will get with some of these abusive guys because they literally can not help it. They are only doing what the laws of attraction in their sub conscious mind is telling them to do. Can they leave the abusive guy once they are in the relationship? Sure you bet they can......However, they may have more trouble not going back to him because their ATTRACTION level is so high for the abusive man. Until they find a really great guy who is MASCULINE as well they may very well continue to go back to the abusive guy regularly.

Personally, I think all women should be taught at a early age (middle school age 13) in the school systems that there are dangerous man out there and how to identify red flags to possibly prevent them from getting with this guys to begin with. Schools teach everything else why not at least teach young girls some of the red flags of abusive men?
 ligonmaximus
Joined: 4/23/2006
Msg: 27
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Why do women give abusive ex's another chance?
Posted: 5/4/2008 1:54:11 PM
gameon42 the simple answer to your post is, "Attraction is not a choice" based on what I learned from Dr. Paul Dobransky and David Deangelo. I use to wonder the same thing myself until I researched/educated myself about it.
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