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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What to say to a guy if you want to wait?      Home login  
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 ManeRider
Joined: 5/22/2005
Msg: 3
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What to say to a guy if you want to wait?Page 4 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
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Not right now, honey, I've got a scorching case of herpes
 tdh46
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 4
What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 10/30/2007 10:57:23 PM
"Op implies in her thread that he is interested already. She also implies that she is interested, as well"

Good god mona lisa you are good, I don't believe sherlock holmes could have deduces what you wrote just from reading the OT. Brilliant, simply Brilliant. Now if you could just point me to one piece of evidence that backs up this outrageous claim of yours?
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 5
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What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/1/2007 10:33:08 AM
Thanks a million for the advice guys.

Well basically I've always been laid back. There's so much criticism about women who are easier about sleeping with another guy but the men..we take it for granted...I'm not on for bed hopping but if I meet a guy I really like I've tended to "give in" fairly quick ie in the first few dates. A woman has her needs, I enjoy sex and have never seen need to hold out just for the sake of it.

However, recently I feel a bit burnt. I dated one lovely guy who sends me messages sparingly and we ended up meeting up once every 1-2 months. So we didn't meet that many times. First night we were back at his with a friend of mine. We played music and talked from about 3am til 11 the next morning. The next few times I met him we talked for ages, played some music and also slept together -including sex. Everything was lovely but I want someone I can see more often than 12 times in a year if I'm lucky!

So I ended up dating another guy who knew about the first.It was around the time I was realising the first guy was a 1-2 month kind of person. Talked for hours. He bought me drink after drink and eventually dragged me into his bed. Yes my "mistake" too. I enjoyed it and ended up seeing him quite a number of times after that. It got to a point where he seemed to be dropping a few hints to me and I liked him so I tried to get the exclusive talk going which scared him off! There was some sense of reconcilation but I believe the guy wants a buddy with benefits so I want to move on.

So now I'm talking to a guy on pof who I have a good feeling about. I'm a realist too so I'm aware it may not be so great. I want this advice in general. I'm figuring, in order to weed out the ones who are looking for a buddy with benefits or a woman they can call when they're in the mood for it, I guess the best way is to hold off with sex until there's some kind of foundation? I'm wondering what the best way is to go about this.
 licentiousminds
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 6
What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/17/2007 10:32:14 PM
there are other options....
 transcend
Joined: 1/13/2007
Msg: 7
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What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/18/2007 8:33:55 AM
Maybe Ive been up for over 24 hours and my mind is caffeine saturated but ...

How can you predict what someone will say to a person that announces "Im temporarily , arbitrarily and unilateraly deciding to not have sex with you."
Uhh , somehow that seems a bit strange to get that far in the decision making process in an area that demands a high degree of communication and agreement to succeed.

Maybe not rushing into something is wise, Im not suggesting that isnt usually the best course to take.. why not find a way to talk about this that doesnt begin with a wall and end with a misunderstanding?

you certainly have the right and responsibility to value yourself as high as possible and to live in such a way that others respect you for your character.
Is there not a higher road that avoids cliche ( ok like "higher road") and gets past the usual barriers to really communicating? How about this

" Look the odds are stacked against us , thats reality ..can we give ourselves a better chance to be unique by balancing passion with understanding and slowly sharing as we learn to value each part of the gift?

More coffee...
 genegem
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 8
What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/19/2007 3:51:16 AM


Sorry for the confusion, guys. With me, every relationship is different.
Sometimes it feels right to wait for a while before including sex into the equation,
and sometimes it happens much more quickly. No set time line for me. I do what
feels right and live with the consequences. Hope this clarifies things.


well said ... everyone is an individual with their own perspective and of course
there's a subtle difference between a quick fling and a potential relationship.

Personally I think sex is 10% or less of a relationship and if a woman isn't really
interested in the other 90% why should I give her a share of the 10%, so OP stick
to your guns and do what feels right for you regardless of others' opinions.

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." ~~Erica Jong

JR
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 9
What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:57:26 AM
Melofelo good post and I totally agree.

Being a woman I am tired of having discussions with men online and on the telephone, where I openly admit that I am not into "casual sex" and would only wait till there is some sort of relationship happening. I'm not about to waste anyones time, mostly my own as I want more than a quick romp.

I'm not sure if some men just don't listen, just don't care, or consider it some kind of challenge, as on that first meet they are pretty unhappy if getting laid is not on the agenda. Most times this really wrecks any chance of them having my interest. Not quite sure, why some men just don't get it.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 10
What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/19/2007 6:09:22 PM
Just Jim & RiverSiren1 - extellent posts and I agree with you both.

There should never be a time limit on when intimacy should happen - but at the same time, you know when someone is jerking your chain and making excuses about gettting closer. You know if/not its going to happen and open discussion and conversation is the best way to deal with the topic.
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 11
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What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/20/2007 12:26:10 PM
Well, if he is an intuitive guy he would know that you're not ready.
Should he not know then he will find out sooner rather than later that your arm is not going to be twisted simply because he doesn't respect your "appetite" that needs some ingredients to add & stir.

Lets just hope that he - at some point - realises that the best things in life come free
 textodd11
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 12
What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/20/2007 2:46:29 PM
On a lighter note...

Tell him you're a lesbian. There's not a hetero guy in the world that wouldn't hang around a few months to see how that worked out.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 14
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What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/20/2007 5:08:44 PM

Nope, I have never gotten signals so messed up, that I've been told "no". Not once, not ever. To me, it's pretty obvious. Even if you aren't sure, body language and response make it pretty clear from the first kiss, if a woman isn't "into it".


Melo..you know I really like you...

But, I think some of the guys misunderstood where you really stand on this...

You are saying (aren't you)..that after e-mails, phone calls, etc..that when you first meet a women...it's either there or it isn't..right then..and if it's there you both have sex on the first meet ...right? And if she doesn't feel "ready", you believe there are probably issues? And you pass? You can correct me if I'm wrong...but, I think I've read enough of your posts to "get" how you feel about this?

I neither think it should wait for marriage, nor should it be the first time you meet someone. For all some men might accuse me of all kinds of flaws sexually or otherwise...I know what works for me..and rarely would I feel I knew/trusted (emotionally)someone enough on a first meet to sleep with them right away. Just me. Don't think that means I'm frigid , or not over past hurts ( come on...they were years ago)..or anything negative....just means when it feels right ( and we aren't talking months here or anything), it feels right. And then I have no reservations...
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 15
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What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/21/2007 4:25:53 AM
Well, if he is an intuitive guy he would know that you're not ready.


I'm not sure that's the answer - how often has such 'intuition' been wrong?

Well, it can be wrong when one is not fully focused on one (as 1:1) or other outside elements make is either f u e l l e d or f u z z y.
Well, how much different we are from the animal kingdom when it comes to basic ... instinct?
Being a proud owner of my four-leggy grey hair pu$$, just watching her tail is telling a lot. :wink:
I would never underestimate body language (and OP is talking about dating in real terms) and I would rather follow it than rushing ~ dashing & pushing the boundaries and lose someone special.

Hmm ... isn't the answer: "Patience is a virtue" & "An eye for details" is priceless?

Buzz, we try....

 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 16
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What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/21/2007 10:01:27 AM

or begging for sex


Sigh, I tried, I really did...

Since ,I, personally, find any man who "begs" for anything a BIG turn off, (along with most of the "healthy" women I know)..this makes no sense. I think some men create this problem for themselves. They are so...um..well, obsessed with IF,WHEN & HOW...that if it doesn't happen as they want/need/demand...they ascribe this to the "evil" motives of women. They are never responsible in any way, for sex not being as it should be (for both). It's all an evil plot to deny men their rights, their very nature.Or, God forbid, to CONTROL. You can only be controlled if you allow it. For instance, I could let men control me by going along with their expectations, regardless of how I persoanlly felt about it.

Asking someone for respect, undertanding, patience, is not asking them to beg in any way. Men who refuse to do this ( or ascribe flaws or faults to the woman), are exactly the reason many women feel the need to not jump into bed right away. I think very few, if any, people believe sex isn't a big part of a romantic relationship.

Women get accused all the time of not understanding how men think/process. and asked ( or demanded) to try and understand. And I can honestly say I do try. But, when the tables are turned, and we ask (some)men to understand how we think/process feel? We are told we are just plain wrong....and even worse, we are lousy sexual creatures...

What is driving me nuts here, is that it's all about.."women need to understand how important this is, and think the way we do, or they are sub par human beings and women. " Balderdash! I know how important it is, and how impotant it is to me, that's EXACTLY why I don't treat it casually. And no matter how I try not to, I hear an echo of.."you aren't going to treat me as my ex did"...but, women are being chastised for "not being over previous emotional hurts", and so not putting out? Or even worse, again, being frigid. I can't not say enough that women who like (love) sex don't suddenly stop liking it..they stop liking it with whomever they are with? For many reasons.

This isn't even about whether someone chooses to have sex on a first date or not..to each his own. It's about the underlying assumptions about those who don't..and the implication that WE are in the minority. And we need to get with the program. I don't think so. Not evidenced by the forums, or RL. It's also about (for me), that I still hear an underlying meaning (from a few posters)couched in very intelligent, well written words. They make is sound so reasonable?

What I hear..no matter how I look at it...men are owed sex on their terms, demands, and beliefs. And those women not willing to subsume their feelings, sensibilities, and natural way ( also) of viewing sex, are the ones with the problems. Even if I concede (not sure I want to, but even if), that some women do fit these "paradigms"...pot meet kettle. Both of these attitudes appear to me to be very selfish, self defeating, and in no way conducive to a lasting, fulfilling, honest love realtionship. (with wild, crazy sex....giggle)

Just me.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 17
What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/21/2007 11:47:26 AM
Wow how did I miss all this??

What to say to a guy if you want to wait? You mean what kind of elaborate explanations you can offer? How to JUSTIFY wanting to wait?

Why should you need to??? If the guy is genuinely interested, not just a horndog, player, or one who loses interest after catching what he chased, he'll accept your statement that you want to wait, you aren't ready to go to that level, take that next step, whatever.
If you are asking WHEN do you say this, now there I can't help you much. If you show up for the first meeting or date wearing a tshirt that says," I don't have sex without a contract of some sort"...you are gonna scare off a lot of guys who are probably excellent and honorable men. But you've blocked off the light at the other end of the tunnel! I'm not saying you should lie about or conceal your philosophy, but I see no sense in smacking them upside the head with it either. If a guy can't get a sense of your sexual policy from your actions and general behavior/conversation, my personal opinion is that he may be a bit too thickheaded to be a pleasant partner.
But maybe that's just me.
Cindy O
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 18
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What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/21/2007 6:20:06 PM

What I've said is that, if a woman isn't strongly attracted, so much that she wants to act on it, then there doesn't seem to be enough "there" there.


Melo, melo, melo..

I think you are assuming. It's not a question of whether I want to ( because I have hormones too, because he just trips my trigger, oh hell, even it it's because it's been awhile) , it's a matter of whether it's a good idea or not? You can not assume lack of want as the reason. This is where I think you may be assuming women think like men do? We can want to...and still not do it? I know that may seem like greek to most men, but, it's how many women operate. That obviously makes no sense to you, but, I'm here to tell you..happens all the time. If I acted on my impulses or desires all the time...I'd get myself into all kinds of trouble.

And let's say I'm out on a date, and I'm having a wonderful time, and I'm really attracted to him, the heart is racing, things are reacting..and I say, oh what the heck...you only live once..and I really like this guy so far, anyway. This could go somewhere. Flash forward, few weeks later..turns out we aren't such a good match. For whatever reason. His, mine, ours. OOPS. Some time passes, I meet another guy (after several who don't interest me), and I act on my "desire" again? Several weeks pass, ...OOPS again..do you see where I'm headed here?

I have NO interest in "trying" out several men sexually till I find the right one. As I don't wish to be treated that way either. Now, it happens, obviously, that it worked in your case ( and maybe one or two others), but, most of the time, it won't. This isn't a "keep trying till you get it right" situation for me. And maybe people exist who know immediately that this is going to work, but, I don't know too many. I know many, however, who thought it would, acted on it too soon..and it was a disaster. Very quickly a disaster. Rushing in where fools fear to tread...this , IMO, is the same as people who get attached emotionally, immediately, too. Most people find that a red flag...the word "needy' comes to mind. How many threads get started about how happy they are..and weeks later..we get the "I was played " thread?

Plus, I just can't emphasize enough....there is something different for me, as a woman, than for most men, that the fact that we had sex so soon, and then it crashed and burned. Men can't understand it, because they would never feel bad about it for any reason. They can't even understand how different the whole sexual experience is for a woman.

It is a special thing to me. It isn't something I give lightly..and that should actually make the man who I ask to wait, feel special...not the other way around....
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 19
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What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:28:01 PM
Melofelo says: "For me, it's not something that requires a "conversation". "No sex" simply means to me, that she's "not that into me". A "conversation" wouldn't change that. It's what people do in response to their feelings, that indicate which feelings are ascendant, and if I am with someone, who puts a greater priority on her "fear" than her desire for closeness, she wouldn't have been my "match". I would always accept and respect her choice, but it would mean that she doesn't want a real relationship with me, so I'd wish her well, and move on. "

And Melofelo also says: "The point being, sex, to me, is not a "trying it out" thing, and going through 100s of possibles by having sex. By the time I meet someone, we know each other, better than we would through months of formal dating. The missing piece is the in person chemistry. The other part of things is that part of "compatibility" online is revealing and discovering each other's attitudes towards sexuality. It's such a fundamental part of compatibility, that if we view things differently, we simply never meet. And, there are a lot of women, who view sex as part of the reason for dating in the first place, so it just hasn't been an issue with anyone. I was really a bit surprised to discover, in the fora, that there are so many men and women, who are following some modified version of the "old paradigm". That's not to say that they're wrong, in an objective sense, but it's not the paradigm that makes sense for me. "


I have learned for myself that the sexual drive - that lovely shot of dopamine - is a great feeling and doesn't require continuiing on to have sex to enjoy it. I used to think that 'turned on" meant I wanted sex. I've since discovered that "turned on" means I am enjoying being turned on and I might or might not want sex. No rituals; no determining in advance; no rules.

However, my experience is that I do want to get to know the person and develop the ability to feel I can discuss anything with them. That's right for me. I note that MeloFelo as copied above, is able to do this solely through virtual contact. That by the time he has physical contact he knows he is ready. Further, he requires that the lady be like him and ready from virtual contact. That's not my experience. Not to say I haven't tried that in the past. Just to say it didn't work for me. I need physical time together in addition to the sexual attraction and attention.

If that means that any guy who is going to interpret me as "not into them" because I move more slowly and need more development time, so be it. If he's ready to dump me that fast than I don't think it would have been a good fit in any event. But, that's just me. I am not "into" intimate encounters. I've learned from making income online for the last 10 years (yes, I do mean back when online was DOS telnet) that who I know online and who I know when we meet in person aren't enough the same to think I know someone from virtual contact only well enough to have sex with them. Just my experience.
 that sam i am
Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 20
What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/23/2007 2:25:19 AM
one or two months isn't a long wait
 Ave Caesar
Joined: 11/11/2007
Msg: 21
What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/23/2007 8:22:39 AM
Why do you think this way? What is wrong with you?
 Ave Caesar
Joined: 11/11/2007
Msg: 22
What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/23/2007 8:24:09 AM
Your answer is in your first sentence. That is what you tell him. If he can't wait, then you know he wasn't interested in building a relationship.


Why do you presume the man should be made to wait? Why presume that the woman is not just as eager? This whole thing is absurd. I have had to turn down women because I was not interested in them sexually, even though we had been dating. What has the passage of time got to do with it? If I had been interested in them sexually, I would have let them know right away.
 Ave Caesar
Joined: 11/11/2007
Msg: 23
What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/23/2007 8:54:51 AM

I would never consider having a meaningful relationship with someone I was not friends with first. For the first few months, I feel it's important to allow our friendship to develop without the distraction of hormones getting in the way. If he cares enough about you and wants a serious relationship, he'll be willing to wait until you are comfortable enough to take it to the next level.


So, when I behave like a gentleman, why is someone else swooping in and getting sex from women I have been dating for months without pursuing them sexually, after two weeks?
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 24
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What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/23/2007 10:58:20 AM
"Those who can follow this part of the law have my admiration and respect, and it is the model that i would hold out to two, never married people. However, once divorced, if one seeks a relationship with someone new, it requires a different perspective "on the law". Whether one waits for marriage to have sex, or not, doesn't change the fact that, in a strict interpretation, one is in sin. "

Doesn't this depend upon the definition of sin you were raised with? The nuns wanted me to believe that patent leather shoes were a sin. My theologian father taught me that sin was a willful offense against God. To hold in my heart that something was wrong and would alienate me from God to do it and to choose to do it anyway. To reject God - 10 potential examples were given.

Question: I have an annullment within my religion. Essentially, according to my religion I have never been married. What impact does that have related to your paradigm.
.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 25
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What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 11/23/2007 1:06:53 PM
How about....... I lost the key to my chastity belt, and it will take some time to get another one made..........

OT.........The best defense is a good offense, and that for me would be communications explaining what you want, when you want it, and with whom you want it with.......

Just my opinion........
 Ravenstar66
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 26
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What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 12/8/2007 9:16:58 PM
This thread has evolved into quite the little piece.

There are so many different opinions here. It's a subject I am struggling with myself. I've done my "casual" sex thing, years ago. I'm no longer interested in it. So I won't be boinking someone I have no feelings for. But I'm not looking for marriage either. I'm not a prude(by ANY stretch of the imagination), but from experience I know that having sex too soon complicates things. It takes a relationship to a deeper level too fast for me a lot of the times.

I would not want to feel pressured to get intimate before I was ready... and I sure wouldn't like that to be misinterpreted as some sort of emotional blackmail, or game. It's about being true to oneself. I guess for me I would at least want to be at a place where I felt I trusted the person, and knew him well enough to like him as a person and not just because we found each other hot. That can happen. My first long term relationship was mostly about the sex. We were NOT compatible in any way...except in bed. Even after we broke up..(and hated each other) the attraction was still there.

I don't know... maybe other women (or men) have experienced this also. After I become intimate my brain doesn't work so well (judgement) I have a tendency to put on rose-coloured glasses when I get that involved. That scares me.. it's less trusting the other person and more about trusting myself to be discriminating, and really being able to see who that person is and who I am with him, and whether we'd be good together.

The funny thing is that I would not have that fear if I didn't see that maybe this relationship could be permanent. I've had a fvck buddy before... no problem. Because I knew that's all we were (and friends too) it was NEVER going to go anywhere.

What it comes down to for me then is that I would want to be at a place within myself where I knew that this person cared about my emotional vulnerabilty before we had sex. How long would that take? I have no idea. As long as it takes, I guess. I'd have to follow my heart and instincts on that. There's another side too... maybe he has the same fears? I would not feel right about leading someone on who really liked me... and I think sleeping with someone is fairly serious. If I wasn't sure I wanted to pursue something with this person I wouldn't want to be dishonest by becoming physically intimate and allowing him to think I was more serious than I was.

I'm not really concerned with the guy leaving if he doesn't get laid quick enough though. That's not my problem.. if he genuinely feel like he's wasting his time with me it's better we both know sooner than later.

If the subject came up.. I guess honesty is the best policy. "Although I am attracted to you I'm not ready to take that step yet, I'd like for us to get to know each other better first". "Let's just play it by ear". Each relationship is unique... I don't think there are any "carved in stone" rules to apply...
 Ravenstar66
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 27
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What to say to a guy if you want to wait?
Posted: 12/9/2007 10:35:49 AM

There's another side too... maybe he has the same fears? I would not feel right about leading someone on who really liked me... and I think sleeping with someone is fairly serious. If I wasn't sure I wanted to pursue something with this person I wouldn't want to be dishonest by becoming physically intimate and allowing him to think I was more serious than I was.


Can you guys read? Of course I would be interested in how the other person felt. That's part of having a relationship..and there is no way I am sharing sex with anyone if I can't speak honestly about my fears and if the guy can't do so with me also. It would be imperative for both of us to feel comfortable enough to talk about things like this...because we would have to discuss health history before getting intimate also. Not an easy conversation in the beginning of a relationaship. Ultimately though, my final responsibility is to be true to myself.

And what's the comment about m being loose? Did I ever state that I had ever been "loose"? Kind of assuming you know what I've done and being judgemental about it, isn't it? I don't really give a flying whatever what people decide to believe about my past. I post that I have had casual sex in the past (and you haven't...riiiight), or that I once had a FWB... how does that make me loose? Good grief... I read all these posts from men who think a month or two is too long to wait to become intimate yet they are concerned that a woman has had more than just sex in a long term relationship. Make up your bleedin' minds. It's okay for a woman to be sexual with YOU right away but she better not have done it with anyone else? Can you hear how stupid that sounds. Totally unrealistic.

It's a double standard I have seen frequently... and it's one that makes women just a little bit concerned about getting involved sexually... there is no, "but I'm different", GENTLEMEN. There is no way for a woman to know that until she feels safe with you.

If I was in a court of law I could state, "I rest my case".

Gosh...I just love being maligned by those who don't know me.
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