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 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 120
Why women wont date seperated menPage 13 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
A separated man is a married man. I have also been given that line of BS so many times! We are separated but still live in the same house, we live separate lives, no you're still married. We are separated, we sleep in different bedrooms, no, still married dude. Married ppl don't belong on dating sites. Clean up your situation, get a divorce, then start dating.
 KatarzynaS
Joined: 1/17/2012
Msg: 121
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/9/2012 7:52:15 PM
Separated is not divorced. Well not divorced is still married for whatever reason make clear cut cut all the ties. Get a paper from the layer stating u r free man n then can date. Separated or not u still married
 KatarzynaS
Joined: 1/17/2012
Msg: 122
Why women wont date separated men
Posted: 6/9/2012 7:55:35 PM
abelian on 6/30/2010 1019 PM
Subject: Why women wont date separated men
Message:
So if you were to remarry in the future and your new spouse decided to have an have an affair... you wouldnt be upset right? After all your marriage is "just a piece of paper" and who gets upset over just a piece paper?

Uh, I don't even date women who date other guys. I'm not sure why the marriage license is going to be the factor in getting upset.


Agree agree agree n agree
 AwesomeKisser
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 123
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 12:12:09 AM

A separated man is a married man. I have also been given that line of BS so many times! We are separated but still live in the same house, we live separate lives, no you're still married. We are separated, we sleep in different bedrooms, no, still married dude. Married ppl don't belong on dating sites. Clean up your situation, get a divorce, then start dating.


Again with the generalizations and preconceptions. Just because some men lie does not mean all men do. Hey, some women lie. My ex lied to me all the time. Does that mean all women are liars too? I have been living in my own home for over a year and a half. If it weren't for the kids I would have absolutely no contact with my ex. I am not married. Period. End of story. My marriage was over a long time ago. If your definition of marriage hinges on a piece of paper that might be why you are single and still looking. Marriage is much more than a piece of paper. It is about two people caring about each other and sharing their lives. Plenty of people stay together but have no relationship. They are essentially room mates. Is that still a marriage?


Separated is not divorced. Well not divorced is still married for whatever reason make clear cut cut all the ties. Get a paper from the layer stating u r free man n then can date. Separated or not u still married


Have you been married? Gone through a divorce? It's not always a simple process. It's not like I can just file some papers, have them stamped and voila, I'm divorced. If I could have had divorce papers signed and done with I would have a long time ago. Where I live you have to be legally separated for at least a year before you can start the process. Then if there are issues to work out it can take some time.

So you are saying I should put my life on hold and not date and potentially be lonely for years because my ex wants to be unreasonable about a couple of things and refuse to sign papers? Well, thanks for that. I'm glad that your judgemental attitude means that myself and others like me should wait to live life and be happy.
 AwesomeKisser
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 124
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 11:11:57 AM

who wants to date a separate man when he is clearly still legally married? same with a separate woman. i had my share of those in the past and always turned them down. i said let me know when ur divorced and single lmao they were ready to date i said u haven't gone thru the divorce nor the grieving moments geeez give urself time to think!


Again with the generalizations and assumptions. Everyone is different. Some people need years post divorce to grieve and find themselves again. Others don't. Some already went through part of the process before even splitting with their ex's. My point is that everyone is an individual and different and it would be nice if we could all judge people for who they are as individuals instead of lumping them into conveniently labeled boxes. But it is easier to label and box so that's what people do.

I can't speak for everyone but I know that for myself all grieving and coming to terms with the end of my marriage were done some time ago. I'm great with my marriage being over and excited to be moving on with my life a better and wiser person.

As for who would want to date a separated man or woman? Someone who is not judgemental and treats others as individuals. Someone who is open to the idea that the person for them might not fit in the exact box they envisioned or be exactly 100% perfect. Sure, I have a piece of paper that says I can't get married to someone else any time soon. But who is wanting to rush into marriage with me? If a lady is that eager then it's a red flag for me. I want to take some time to get to know someone and make sure we are right for each other. By the time we are ready to take next steps in our relationship my divorce will be final so it's all good.

At the risk of sounding arrogant, I am a great guy with a ton to offer a lady as her partner. If women want to pass me by just because the legal process hasn't finalized my "papers" yet then it's their loss.
 freespirited123
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 125
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 12:11:10 PM
Well at least you have taken the necessary steps of at least filing the papers and working through the grieving process. I think too many of us have been burned by inconsiderate ***holes who haven't even done that and they are not honest about how involved they still are with their exes. I think that is where a lot of the cynical attitude comes from. I know that I personally will not even think about a separated man again until I have proof that papers have been filed and involvement with the ex is only minimal due to children and no other reason.
 That_girl*
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 126
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 1:56:44 PM
the same reason why some people are leery about driving a car that has a leaking gas tank..

UHHHHH need i paint the picture on how both of these situations are already on a bad start an could/can end up worse..
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 127
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 2:21:48 PM

So you are saying I should put my life on hold and not date and potentially be lonely for years because my ex wants to be unreasonable about a couple of things and refuse to sign papers? Well, thanks for that. I'm glad that your judgemental attitude means that myself and others like me should wait to live life and be happy.

I don't know what the other poster is saying, but I'll chime in: I'm not saying you should put your life on hold and be miserable for years. How about giving up on the silly stuff you two are bickering about?? It takes two to bicker. If you think she's being unreasonable? Why don't you be reasonable?? Tell the Courts that you're done, she can have what she wants and you are a free man. (And yes Sir, I lost my arse in my divorce, but guess what? I remade the money I lost. Why was I willing to just walk away? Because you can remake money and buy new "stuff", you can't get back time.) Do it how you wish, but don't expect women to "understand" why you're being just as unreasonable as your ex because you're still one part of a two parted problem. And I'm not being judgmental, I've been there ~ I know that if one person TRULY wants out? There's not a Judge alive that would say, "Sorry Charlie, you have to stay married, even though you're giving him/her what they want!" Doesn't work that way. (And for me? Separated certainly isn't an option and I'm even a little more hard-nosed than others. I've been single 12 years. I prefer those who've at least hit the 5-10 years divorced mark. But that's just me ~ I like the idea that John Doe and I have that in common, sort of like my clause on no-hunters ~ been there, did it, a nice Judge says I don't have to live with that "hobby" again. Bless that Judge's heart anyway!) I see no reason for you to take offense to the ladies who aren't into separated men (or hunters, or gamblers, or men who have blue eyes for that matter. Just move along to those who don't care what your "status" is.) JMO
 AwesomeKisser
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 128
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 5:53:49 PM

I don't know what the other poster is saying, but I'll chime in: I'm not saying you should put your life on hold and be miserable for years. How about giving up on the silly stuff you two are bickering about?? It takes two to bicker. If you think she's being unreasonable? Why don't you be reasonable?? Tell the Courts that you're done, she can have what she wants and you are a free man. (And yes Sir, I lost my arse in my divorce, but guess what? I remade the money I lost. Why was I willing to just walk away? Because you can remake money and buy new "stuff", you can't get back time.) Do it how you wish, but don't expect women to "understand" why you're being just as unreasonable as your ex because you're still one part of a two parted problem. And I'm not being judgmental, I've been there ~ I know that if one person TRULY wants out? There's not a Judge alive that would say, "Sorry Charlie, you have to stay married, even though you're giving him/her what they want!" Doesn't work that way.


Well, I won't get into details but lets just say that it isn't an issue of disagreeing on a number of silly things but one main issue that she refuses to even discuss let alone be reasonable about. It can actually take one to bicker as I actually did try to engage her in a discussion about it to come to some arrangement several times but she absolutely refused to discuss anything and decided to retaliate against my desire to have an adult discussion by litigating. I suppose I could just give in but:

a) That would set a bad precedent in terms of working together regarding kids in the future. If I do just cave and give her whatever she wants then I will be dealing with her expectation of that for years to come. I am not trying to be difficult or do anything unfair or spiteful but simply want to look at the situation in terms of both what is fair and what the law says. I want a respectful, honest and fair working relationship and that has to go both ways and be established from the get go or I will have an uphill battle in the future.

b) It probably will come down to court and letting a judge decide as you say and I am pretty confident that it will end up as I intended in the first place as it is according to the law. The thing is, the courts are so backlogged we don't have a court date until mid December so things are likely to be settled then and papers can then be finalized etc. So the process is underway and I can't speed it up unless she decides to come to the table willing to talk and negotiate.


I see no reason for you to take offense to the ladies who aren't into separated men


Oh, I don't take offence at women who won't date separated men. That's their choice and they have the freedom to make it. What does bother me is the dogmatic assumptions and assertions that all "separated" people have issues and haven't grieved and might go back to their ex's etc. Or separated = married or what have you. It's overly judgemental. I get that some people lie about their situations and maybe aren't as separated as they lead others to believe or are married and looking for some on the side or whatever. But that's not everyone. I am upfront and honest about my situation. I don't live with my ex and we don't maintain a relationship other then trying to co-parent.

It's basically like saying that all Germans were Nazis and supported genocide or that all men are liars looking for sex and then they won't call or all women are manipulative gold diggers. You can label and generalize all you want based on a few bad experiences or people but in reality those labels don't apply to entire groups of people.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 129
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 6:15:15 PM

Well, I won't get into details but lets just say that it isn't an issue of disagreeing on a number of silly things but one main issue that she refuses to even discuss let alone be reasonable about. It can actually take one to bicker as I actually did try to engage her in a discussion about it to come to some arrangement several times but she absolutely refused to discuss anything and decided to retaliate against my desire to have an adult discussion by litigating. I suppose I could just give in but:

Hate to point out the obvious, but if you were both willing to communicate? You'd likely not be getting a divorce. I do know what your saying and it was the same silliness when I'd had enough of a dead marriage. Like you pointed out early on? I had mourned the loss for years before I decided we were truly done. He moved out (unwillingly, but he did do it.) I filed for divorce and it began. From fighting over the dogs ashes (and the dog was still alive, mind you....so silly!!! to all sorts of other stuff.) And then one day? I just looked around and thought, "Hmmm....Christmas is Dec. 25th. Thanksgiving is the third Thursday of the November. My birthday is during bear hunting season......" etc. And that was the stuff we were disagreeing over. So? I amended the parenting agreement which gave up EVERY single holiday but one. I kept Valentines Day. Not for me. Because I knew my son would have women in his life and that would be the ONE day no one "spoke" for his time. You may be speaking finances, you may be speaking holidays, you may be talking about something totally non-related. But I'll say this, my ex was unreasonable, greedy, even mean sometimes. Often times in fact. BUT? I made a good faith effort to NEVER talk bad about him, to never make our son take sides, to never take time away from him that I felt my son wanted. My son died at age 23. Guess what? When you plan a funeral? None of this silly shit (please excuse my language) matters. When you lose a child? You NEED to be friends, if nothing less than friendly. And all of this stuff means nada. You can fight for principle, you can think you're being noble and that a precedence is set if you "give in." But the truth is? In the end? Our children know who made the effort. Who stopped the silliness. Who wanted to just love them no matter what day it was, what holiday came a day or two too later or too early than other people's holidays. They also know who gave in so that the strife would end. Not meaning to lecture, but once in a while, it seems there is a reasonable person here in an unreasonable situation and I wonder to myself, "What if I would have dug in my heels for principle?" What if I had not been his friend for 10 years post-divorce prior to the loss? How on earth would we have gotten through that as a unit? Because you are a unit when planning a funeral, like it or not? Today? We aren't friends. I no longer "owe" anyone that, especially him. Now I can be angry and mad. I'd likely still be taking a "backseat" had life played out differently, but guess what? I'd still be happy just knowing I was the person who said, "We'll do it your way because you can't take what he and I have." Do it how you wish. But as an eternal parent? I'll tell you ~ the silliness means nothing when all is said and done. Good luck to ya.
 jmark4
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 130
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 7:19:59 PM
because they are still married and stats show 25% get back together.

It takes time to mourn from something like that and to get your bearings back so to be a rebound for a marriage is not a good thing.

I would never date a separated person. ever.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 131
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/10/2012 7:37:49 PM

because they are still married and stats show 25% get back together.

So? 50% of first marriages fail. If 25% of those failures try again....does that mean that only 12.5% of actual first marriage fail but later on 12.5% of those second attempt first marriages fail? And if so? Doesn't that skew (I mean ... like REALLY skew the stats?) for those first time marriage failures? And if not? Are those people considered in the "second" marriage folks, who many think 60% fail? That would mean that .............. oh my god ........... relationships fail. With or without a silly clergy-man/woman and a piece of paper. Sorry friend, people do all sorts of silly stuff with all sorts of silly people and stuff fails. If one doesn't wish to marry? DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not once, not twice, not half-way by living together and sharing a mortgage. We don't date separated men because they ARE NOT single legally. It is just that simple. If we wanna fail? Maybe??? Some wanna fail with someone legal to fail with. (Crazy, huh?)
 AwesomeKisser
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 132
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/11/2012 12:05:31 AM
@ verygreeneyez:

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, That must have been incredibly difficult. But it also shows that everyone's situation is different and unique. As I said, I don't want to get into details but my situation is that there is really one issue not settled and it's not a trivial one. We aren't fighting over a bunch of silly little things like pets or kids schedules etc. And for better or worse it is an issue that I feel I can't just give in and let her have her way. All my friends and family also agree that I shouldn't give in and several lawyers have also told me I shouldn't (although lawyers aren't always the best source of advice as it is often in their interest to prolong these things).

In any case, we have a court date set and it will get settled then and my divorce can be finalized (which I believe can still take three months for papers to be processed by the courts once an agreement or judgement is made).


because they are still married and stats show 25% get back together.

It takes time to mourn from something like that and to get your bearings back so to be a rebound for a marriage is not a good thing.

I would never date a separated person. ever.


Actually, I'm not sure where you get your statistics but my quick research shows that only 10% of separated couples reconcile. And it also looks like 60% of those reconciled couples end up actually divorcing in the future so they are less successful then the average first marriages at a 50% divorce rate. So if you date a separated person there is only a 1 in 10 chance they will get back together with their ex. In my own case there is a zero percent chance of that happening. We split for reasons and those reasons haven't changed and are extremely unlikely to ever change. So I can't speak to other people but in my case the marriage is done, over with and kaput. Has been for a long time. I have mourned and gotten over it. This goes back to my point that everyone is different but many posters here want to just paint everyone with the same brush. You wouldn't want someone judging you as a whole based on one thing about you but you seem ready to judge others based on one factor.
 _GypSea_
Joined: 2/14/2017
Msg: 133
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 2/25/2017 2:20:03 AM
WOW, I can’t believe I read the whole thread and DOUBLE WOW that only one person mentioned being an ‘option’ (in one of the middle pages).

Being an option is the reason why I won’t date separated men and here are two examples.

Met and dated a guy in late 2008. At Christmas he attended a Xmas eve function with my family. The next day was dinner with his ex-wife and her kids. I was not invited. New Years eve, same chit different date. I asked him about Easter, Thanksgiving, etc. and he told me that we always spent those holidays with his ex-family. Okey dokey - I’m done.

In 2011 I met a new man as I was looking to move closer to work. After dating for some time, he suggested I move in with him. He said it would enable him to save money to get a lawyer, get a divorce and stop the spousal support payments. Okey, makes sense. One and a half years into this co-hab relationship, I asked him how the lawyer search was progressing. He informed me that ‘it was pointless to pursue it’. This guy financially supported his wife (who was not the mother of his 3 kids) to the tune of 50% of his take-home pay and when he ran out of money, he came to me to supplement his shopping habit. So while he was supporting her, I was supporting him and no one was supporting me. We had numerous conversations about money but to no avail. I ended that relationship as well.

Bottomline for me, I’d rather be single and happy than coupled (with a not yet divorced man) and miserable.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 134
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 2/25/2017 7:10:07 AM
well, the bottom line is the important part. Too many people, unfortunately, are not happy with their own company. They'll accept the drama as a price to pay for the few good times they are in someone else's company, rather than be single and unhappy.

and then there are, of course, the drama queens :) no such thing as a bad emotion to feel for those people. they want their life to be a roller coaster, a series of ups and downs.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 135
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 2/25/2017 7:36:48 AM

Bottomline for me, I’d rather be single and happy than coupled (with a not yet divorced man) and miserable.


You would rather be happy than miserable? What a shocker. Most people don't go into a relationship hoping they will end up being miserable. But life happens. If someone is in a mad rush to pair up asap, they have nobody to blame for their misery than themselves if it doesn't work out. That's one reason why I wouldn't contact anyone who has "Looking for someone to marry" in their profile. They consider getting to know someone well as a side track to their end goal.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 136
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 2/25/2017 9:38:31 AM

Why wont women on this site date seperated men but yet they are seperated and will only date single men


- I say good for them if they can land somebody who is better off than themselves. Welcome to love and dating, the world's biggest cat-and-mouse game.
 IMayBeCrazy_But
Joined: 12/28/2016
Msg: 137
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 2/25/2017 11:22:14 AM

Why wont women on this site date seperated men but yet they are seperated


Funny. I met my ex in 2000...I forget what site it was, but he had "divorced" as his relationship status. He admitted to me that he was separated...six months into our relationship. We married a month after his divorce was final. I was young and stoopid. Then after our first child was born...he told me that I was his third wife...not his second. He also admitted that he only told me about his first wife because he was afraid that his sister would tell me about her. He didn't "count" his first marriage because he was young and it lasted less than a year. Yeah. I ignored the red flags. Bad move. Fast forward to 2013...when I left, he made it Hell...based on his experience with his second wife and losing contact with his two older sons...he came after me with all he had.

Maybe some separated women wont date separated men because some men are bitter? Usually the woman gets custody of the children and it's difficult for any parent to go from seeing their kids everyday to a schedule set by a family court. Aaaand some Dad's are kinda pissy about it, too. Then throw in the fact that some are starting from scratch to set up their household and have to pay child support,too? Whoah. Attitude. And if they have to pay alimony? Forget about it.


what makes them think single men want to date seperated women

Oddly enough...the majority of men that I've dated have been single...since I've become legally separated. Maybe it's because they know I'm not looking for a ring???
 Cowgirlwannabe1
Joined: 8/21/2015
Msg: 138
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 2/25/2017 2:20:28 PM
because he is still legally attached to his wife

and he can use whatever excuses /justifications for that he wants to
 Perspektiv
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 139
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 2/25/2017 3:45:24 PM
Dating someone separated, is just not worth the potential drama.

This is regardless of whether its a woman or man, that happens to be separated.

Essentially, you're dealing with someone who potentially still has one foot legally in a relationship, and the other out of it. By this, I mean if they have kids with their ex. You're potentially standing to find yourself in the crossfire of a bitter divorce.

I'd rather date someone who's taken the time to finalize things, heal, and move on both legally and physically.

I avoid separated women like the plague, considering I've dated a few in the past, and it always wound up being drama.

It also tells me someone has a hard time getting their priorities straight.

Date all you want while separated, but to seek a relationship? I find that sketchy.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 140
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 2/26/2017 6:20:41 AM

I'd rather date someone who's taken the time to finalize things, heal, and move on both legally and physically.


EXACTLY, most importantly, "heal".
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 141
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 2/26/2017 8:34:58 AM
Curious topic.

I read this with interest, because I may be dating a separated person in the near future. Having thought it out, I know there will be times I may be an observer. This won't be the first time I've done that. And I highly suspect it won't be the last time. I'm making it a point to render no opinion as to how she plans to handle her divorce. Mine was so cut and dried, that I never had to deal with any negotiations that most, (or almost all) people have, during a divorce.

Yeah, I know. Most all will tell me not to do it. I'm well aware of the pitfalls. I'm keeping my emotions on a leash. It could wind up being a dismal flop. Plenty will say I have options.

What a crock that is. Five years of no dates, dealing with you stuck-up women, makes me look at this as having possibilities.Want to call me a misogynist? Go ahead. I'm the end result of your fussiness. You can kick a dog only so many times before he turns on you.

It's a mistake waiting to happen. I've made them before, I will again. But if it gets me out of screwing around with you fussy women, then I'll take it.
 cotter
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 142
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 2/26/2017 8:43:15 AM
No matter how serious a person is about getting a divorce, until they truly are divorced, they are still "married".

Seems to me, starting another relationship before the other is "finally over" is just an invitation to complicate things immensely especially if the "separated" one decides to go back to their spouse.

We have enough people out there who are hurting ... do we need to go around setting ourselves up for still more hurt or better yet ... do we need to go around hurting still more people?
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 143
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 2/26/2017 5:16:31 PM
Separated is still married. I have always believed that and followed that rule. Except for once, which taught me there is a very good reason for that rule. It's just not a smart thing to to, for so many reasons.
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 144
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 2/27/2017 9:36:14 PM
When I first started OLD I dated man who was separated. Then after a couple of dates he told me he went to her house to wake up his kids & the wife EVERY MORNING! Yeah, he had his own apartment, but was back there on a daily basis. The "kids" were all in their early 20's. Wow, that was a mistake.

Another man I dated said he'd been separated for several years. Then I find out after a couple of dates that his job sends him away from home for months and even years at a time. But in between assignments, and on holidays, he goes back to the marital home where she lives. Wow, some separation.

So that would be why for me.
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