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 p-trishTHEdish
Joined: 8/3/2007
Msg: 51
Why women wont date seperated menPage 3 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
see thats wrong. many women would go out with you. its just that they dont expect to get invested with you.
separated isnt meant to be a time for play. its actually meant as a time for reflection and hopefully to heal whats wrong and then take your a$$ on home. most ppl dont look at it that way. but for women who you want to date, no one in their right mind is going to seriously date you for the long term, cuz at some point, we are either the rebound chick or you will eventually get homesick and go home.
as far as the profile goes, i would list divorce and in ther profile put a short explanation of the situation. recently separated,, papers filed, waiting for the final divorce decree.. something to let the reader know whats up.
 CSIN
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 52
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/17/2007 6:38:54 PM
Marriage is an oath/vow/contract entered in between two people to be honored by everyone and sanctioned by their higher power. It is a promise to be with only one person until death!

Common law marriage is reconized still in some states as the oath taken in front of many others and their higher power.

Dating or going steady can mean the same to some people as marriage or common law marriage or shacking.
 Mr Fahrenheit
Joined: 8/16/2007
Msg: 53
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/17/2007 7:59:10 PM
separated isnt meant to be a time for play. its actually meant as a time for reflection and hopefully to heal whats wrong and then take your a$$ on home.

Well, the way it worked for me was that the 3 months leading up to my separation was the reflection period. My ex suggested we do a trial separation and I flat out told her, "If I'm not good enough for you now, then I never will be again. Once it's over, it's over, forever." The year and a half that followed... yes, that time was spent healing. But as I say... once we made the decision to split, it was final. I had already made up my mind that there would never be a "home" to return to that included her.

as far as the profile goes, i would list divorce and in ther profile put a short explanation of the situation. recently separated,, papers filed, waiting for the final divorce decree.. something to let the reader know whats up.

I think it's easier just telling the truth. If I have to spend my time explaining myself to potential partners, then that is a clear indication that they are not the right person for me. I do however understand what you're saying. People who look at the separation period as being a time to get yourself together so you can get back together would obviously have a different view of my status than I do. I'm sure you can tell by my profile that I'm not overly concerned about who passes me by, at this point in time, regardless of what my marital status is set to.
 p-trishTHEdish
Joined: 8/3/2007
Msg: 54
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/18/2007 10:35:50 AM
I do however understand what you're saying<<<
apparently not.
in the traditional sence of separation, its was originally intended as i said.
telling the truth as you said, is the same as what i said about indication of certain things on a profile.
that someone would have a traditional only view of separation its the most pragmatic thing to give a short "heads up" on a profile. which is not the seemingly exhausting act of explaining yourself to potential partners as you made it out to be.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 55
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/18/2007 10:45:00 AM
Mr Fahrenheit, I heard the same thing. There was no way he’d reconcile – until she convinced the kids that this time she is changed and the only thing keeping them from being a happy family was daddy. They begged for months. He said he didn’t want to go back to her, but he finally couldn't take seeing the kids hurt. I don’t like it, but he had to do what was right for him.

The thing is that it happens and it happens A LOT. This is why women hesitate or refuse to date separated men.
 37heidi
Joined: 6/6/2007
Msg: 56
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/18/2007 5:21:05 PM
I do not date seperated men mainly because I have in the past and got hurt because they are not in the stage that I am in. I want a serious relationship. I want to remarry someday. I want to be faithful and devoted to a man. Usually when a man comes out of a marriage (and this is true for women as well) they are no where near to wanting to remarry and be committed to someone. They usually want more space, freedom to date around and find themselves again. People need a recovery period. In general men that are seperated or fresh out of a devorce do not have the same relationship goals as I do. I been devorced for 12 years now. I am at the stage that i really want to be serious with someone and settle down and in general seperated men do not want that.
 Mr Fahrenheit
Joined: 8/16/2007
Msg: 57
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/19/2007 3:52:41 PM

There was no way he’d reconcile – until she convinced the kids that this time she is changed and the only thing keeping them from being a happy family was daddy. They begged for months. He said he didn’t want to go back to her, but he finally couldn't take seeing the kids hurt. I don’t like it, but he had to do what was right for him

So how do you know it was a separated thing and not a single father thing? Sounds to me that without the kids he woulda stayed away. Have you ever thought that perhaps not dating men with children is the better solution?
 BeginToday
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 58
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/19/2007 5:25:03 PM
The original poster (OP), atitude man, wrote an ungrammatical hodgepodge (no offense, OP) that translates, roughly, as follows:
I'm frustrated that women on PoF won't date separated men, yet separated women WILL date single men; why do they (the women) take such hypocritical stances and judge separated people who are on the road to divorce?


What I find extraordinarily fascinating (as well as deeply disturbing :frustrated: ) is the carte-blanche bigotry displayed by so many nay-sayers of separated people.

To clear the air, I'm separated. There's nothing (that I'm aware of) in my situation that correlates to the comments made so far in this thread:

* [u]I'm not newly separated[/u]; it's been 6 years and I've had my time apart to grieve, heal, and discover myself as an unattached person.

* [u]There's no drama [/u]; we haven't communicated AT ALL in the last 3 of these past 6 years.

* In Pennsylvania, there are [u]4 related areas[/u] that are treated individually by the courts: divorce, property, custody, and child-support; [u]we settled the other 3 of those 4 within the first 6 months of our separation[/u] so there's just no dangling remnant of possibility in the realm of reconcilliation; emotionally and in every other area, we're done.

* The [u]filing[/u] for divorce [u]is a standoff[/u] situation: she won't file for religious reasons :angel" (puh-LEEZE!) and I hadn't filed for financial reasons (threat of alimony).

Why should I put my money at risk in order to make myself appear[/u] as eligible as I already am? I'm healed... comfortable with myself... emotionally available... not a player... honest enough to list my legal status which, in my case, has absolutely nothing to do with my ACTUAL state of being.

The only thing I can't legally do TODAY is run right out and get married. And the only people that ought to be bothered by that single limitation is -- you guessed it -- those who are interested in rushing into another marriage!

What's the rush, people?

Whatever happened to the idea that a date is just a get-together to meet someone and get to know them better? What ever happened to the idea that if things start to click, communication between the couple is the only way to anticipate long-term viability?

Whatever happened to the people who aren't so quick to label :frustrated: and stereotype a person based on a one-word description ("separated"), one word that almost everyone will agree covers a wide range of situational possibilities?

With that disclosure and mini-rant, I feel ready to offer a strong criticism toward those of you who feel so smug about pre-judging separated people without even asking about their situation -- shame, Shame, SHAME on you for your prejudice!

Labeling people with convenient one-word terms ("separated"), then generalizing about them and stereotyping them as if they ALL belong to the same mold (untrustworthy, desperate, baggage-laden, etc.) is just small-minded and shallow.

Don't like what I'm saying? If it doesn't apply to you then feel GOOD about yourself as not belonging to that mix, but... if what I'm saying DOES accurately characterize your outlook and tendencies then I say it again: shame on you!

For those of you to whom this criticism does NOT apply: thank you for your open-minded demeanor, and best-wishes in your search for the kind of person and relationship you most desire!

For those to whom this criticism DOES apply: you're probably not even reading this far but... on the off-chance that you are (which would be MY bad; sorry!)... it's not to late to relinquish your prejudice and to behave more fairly toward others. The choice, however, is entirely yours... when would [u]now[/u] be a good time to treat others fairly?
 BeginToday
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 59
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/19/2007 5:27:22 PM
sigh... i wish PoF offered a preview so that markup-mistakes like mine, above, could be avoided
 blondeinny
Joined: 9/17/2006
Msg: 60
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/19/2007 6:24:33 PM
To me, not a question of ethics, or concerns over returning to an ex.
It's that the person is undergoing multiple changes.
Finances, family, friends, time and moods will shift- sometimes daily.

The impulse to reach for an escape, ego boost, or comfort is understandable.
But IMHO it's too tumultous, one-sided and ultimately, short-lived.

My advice?
If you want to be a rebound or test the waters person, go ahead.
Be prepared for many many stories that start with "MY EX"...
For me, personally ?
No, thanks.
 dauntless49
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 61
view profile
History
Why women wont date separated men
Posted: 11/20/2007 1:27:26 AM
[ Sorry folks but you dont make sense to me!
You can go back to an ex if you are single or divorced too!! ]

Finally!!!!! Someone with some common sense. Yeah I've gotten that, "I loved him soooooooo much and he went back to his mean wife." Oh I forgot, "sob, sniffle."

I'm thinking that if you were hurt then the feelings weren't mutual. Sorry ladies, that's probably the truth. I am saving my pennies for my divorce. I do accept cash donations in what ever denomination you would wish to give. Please don't make me go back to her. LOL you gotta be kidding me!
 passioniteone
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 62
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/20/2007 5:54:00 AM
I recall when I was in the "separated" era of my life....I remember every man asking if I would go back to "him"..I never understood the question as I thought why would I go back..I "left him...
I did go back 2 times...to see if I really loved him to try again...but flying back "home" I just knew I could not see myself with my "ex" for the rest of my life...
My finally time going back was to let him know in his face I'm wanting a divorce....it took him 4 years to finally accept it and find a beautiful woman..
By this time it was 5 years that had passed....
So I now look back and fully understand a persons concern....I dated some incredibibly beautiful men....and I walked away as I was not ready.....even though I left my marraige...
Its a hard fianicial, emotional road of healing if both parties are not in "agreement" and that crosses over in your dating.....I can finally say....I am healed of the divorce....my "ex" remarried....my children are healthy happy etc....had "him" and I stayed married it woulda been 22 years....
As a mom and a "ex" wife....I needed everyone happy and settled....now its my turn...and that is my story ....
Long road I travelled..but I believe I make a better partner in my future relationships now that time has passed
The separated factor applies applies to both sexes....
 MsCheryl
Joined: 2/28/2007
Msg: 63
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:18:16 PM
Separated men are not available.
 katiegirl65
Joined: 10/31/2007
Msg: 64
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:44:37 PM
I met a guy on match.com a year ago; said he was separated. Two months later when his wife got back from England (and I was totally in love), I find out that the separation was mostly geographical. After another 6 months of indecision and torment, he decided that he loved his family more than me.

Usually, when a woman finally decides to separate, she is beyond the point of no return. A man doesn't seem to now what he wants until he has a choice.

I will not date a separated man again.
 SUCKAFISH
Joined: 7/20/2007
Msg: 65
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:49:23 PM
because they are Married
 zeesuezee
Joined: 10/11/2007
Msg: 66
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:51:32 PM
In all fairness, kudos to the people that say separated - they could lie and say single or divorced - at least they are being honest about their situation.

Secondly, I would say it depends on their situation and how long they have been separated. There can be many reasons why the divorce isn t final - from children, schooling, health insurance etc, etc.

If there is an interest surely a question and answer session is a possibility.

Zee
 katiegirl65
Joined: 10/31/2007
Msg: 67
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/20/2007 9:58:58 PM
No, I'm telling you that my guy misrepresented himself as separated. It's the easiest way for someone to tell a half truth.
 Mr Fahrenheit
Joined: 8/16/2007
Msg: 68
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/21/2007 5:04:08 AM

Usually, when a woman finally decides to separate, she is beyond the point of no return. A man doesn't seem to now what he wants until he has a choice.

I see. So you date separated gay men? I mean if women are the only ones beyond the point of no return, then who else would these men be going back to if not a former husband? I take it you've had 100% success with single and divorced men. If a single man left you for another woman, would you swear off single men too? I mean they have choices too, don't they?

See this is why I don't care if people pass me by because I'm separated. I couldn't handle a relationship with someone who bases their decisions on false logic. It's probably the best filter I've ever had.
 Z Circle Snap
Joined: 6/23/2007
Msg: 69
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/21/2007 5:17:10 AM
I think the real question here is why a man that is STILL MARRIED wants to date and act like he's single... You aren't single, until the divorce... Real women won't date a married man because of morals... look into it... pfft...
 IMaPA
Joined: 2/2/2007
Msg: 70
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/21/2007 5:37:38 AM
BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Trust me, been there, done that. I have been divorced for over 10 years now, and in my mind I was divorced from the second we separated. There were no attempted reconciliations, no ex sex, nothing. I started dating about a month later and it was a relationship that lasted about 2 years. BUT, even as bad as my situation was, (in terms of being 100% certain it was over) I can honestly say the best thing would have been to wait until the paperwork was signed before attempting to date again. (which took about 1 1/2 years)

It's like Dr. Phil says, You need to do a relationship autopsy and find out what went wrong, and why. You have to know you tried everything to make it work, counseling, etc. (which I did) but if you've taken a relationship to the point of marriage, you REALLY need to get THAT relationship over and done with, before starting another.

Rule number 1 of dating women- THEY ARE IN CONTROL. It's their rules and you have to abide by them if you want to play. You don't want to play by their rules, then switch teams, LMAO !!!!!!!!!!

 goodlistener314
Joined: 7/8/2007
Msg: 71
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/21/2007 5:52:12 AM
Well being a separated man, I completely understand why anyone would not want to date a separated man or woman. Now, having said that I do have a few points.

1) Even though I personally would date a separated woman, I think it is very annoying when a separated woman will not date a separated man. That just smacks of double standard and I hate that.

2) For all of you who say because he (or she) is married. Actually that is not true. There are two aspects to a marriage. The legal and the spiritual. Just like that, there are two aspects to divorce. Separation is the spiritual side of divorce. There are dozens if not hundreds of reasons that a couple chooses not to legally divorce (insurance being the primary reason I have seen) Now having said all of that *I'm* the one that did not want the separation but I'm also smart enough not to "pine away" for someone that obviously does not want me, hence my profile on this site (among other sites)

3) For the ones that speak of divorce as final... Just how many divorced people have you known? Just from my 3 years being out there, I've come across at least 10% that divorced and then went back to the ex. So Divorce is no more final than separation or being single. The status can change in the blink of an eye.

As anyone who read my profile will see, I'm out here in a passive sense although what I have not yet updated on my profile is that the pseudo-wife has decided on divorce. Bummer for her but come the beginning of the year, better for me.

Don

PS I was re-reading the posts and came across a Hallelujah Brother one :) To the one that was talking about being separated is the best filter. Amen to that, the only women that contact me are those who are genuinely interested in me. Enough to risk the separated tag. I might even keep my separated tag after the divorce because as I mention in my profile, "If you are still reading this then that is a good thing" that means they are really interested and feel a pull more powerful than the "separated tag" pushes away. Since I'm looking for love at first sight, this really helps narrow the dates down to just those who actually might be love at first sight.

Don
 IThought UWereAHandpuppet
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 72
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/21/2007 6:49:26 AM
Why do separated men try to convert the women they do not want to date anyway?

1. Some single women refuse to date legally married/ separated men.
2. These women feel that such men have "unfinished business."
3. Some separated men judge/ label those women as judgmental.
4. These separated men do not want to date such a "close-minded" woman.
5. The filters work on both sides - never the twain shall meet!
 prairie gal
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 73
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/21/2007 9:45:25 AM
I don't have a problem dating separated men (within reason). Take some time to get to know them before leaping in. So many people just listen and buy into the words "he/she said they would never go back" etc... and yet if you spend some time with an open mind usually their actions or emotional responses tell you whether they are still connected emotionally to that person or not ready to move on yet. Follow your intuition!
 windsprite1
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 74
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/21/2007 2:48:53 PM
I suppose there are lots of reasons we make the choices we do, but in the 'separated' case, I don't need the drama of having some wife, friends of same or whoever, "find out" . I'm looking for a guy that's ready and able to have a relationship with me, not deal with his past... or not really yet past.
 Heartbreaking12
Joined: 1/25/2007
Msg: 75
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 11/21/2007 11:03:16 PM
Honestly,

to me it seems all a "seperated" man wants to is to find his ex-wife again. Or someone like her. Inaddition, seperated means you are still married, there's the whole grieving process to go through, and no woman wants to be the rebound girl.

Sorry hon, maybe you should wait a while and THEN look for some sweet loving.

JMHO though!


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