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 AUTHOR
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 76
Why women wont date seperated menPage 4 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
procolharem You just made the point I was getting at, Morality is seen through the eyes of the individual.
What might be moral to one is not to another.
If you look back in the thread I said I would not date a separated lady because I didn't think it was right.
The rules that was listed could be seen as broken by one and not broken by another.

What I see as black and white you may see as gray.
To each their own but I would not do so because of the problems I have seen many times in this type of thing.
The "rules" were posted because someone said it was not moral to do so. Someone else disagreed and posted them.
In the "rules" it said be open minded now tell me are they being open minded to the one that said it was not moral?
No they spat out the rules!!!
Breaking at least one (open mindedness) in telling this lady she was wrong!!! That is the catch 22!!!
 bestwomanever
Joined: 12/13/2005
Msg: 77
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 4/23/2010 10:43:00 AM
Why are people here going on about morals and open-mindedness, their definitions and all of that? If people don't want to date a separated person, that's their choice. If some people think it's ok, it's their choice to. Let people do what's right for them, as long as they aren't hurting the other person.
BTW, off topic, but whenever I hear someone use the term "Godly," I get so frightened! Jimmy Swaggart flashing through my head!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 78
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 4/23/2010 12:14:37 PM

However read your rules of conduct above and tell me how many would be broken by dating someone that is still married?.........There are more than a few that you would have to break to do so.

In various states it can be legal or illegal to have physical sexual relations with someone. Dating is not prohibited. How would they be broken? Maybe not so much. Many people wait a good while until they FINALLY get separated... and many times, even though there's a bunch of baggage-on-board, they've been separated for so long, both are dating other people.
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 79
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 4/23/2010 12:49:06 PM

BTW, off topic, but whenever I hear someone use the term "Godly," I get so frightened!


It is funny you bring this up if you look it was an atheist that brought that up and even capitalized it showing respect.
Just because people believe in God does not make them perfect. We have just as many downfalls as the person who doesn't believe.

To C R.......If you read all the posts, I was trying to show morals mean different things to different people. The person that posted the "rules" was trying to say this is what it takes to be moral. Funny thing is by pushing her notion of morality on others she broke one of her own rules of open mindedness.
I was just trying to show that it is up to the person making the decision.
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 80
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 4/23/2010 1:18:33 PM
I did agree and still do however I never tried to say everyone should believe that way. Or posted "rules" to live by!!!
Matter of fact I pointed out it was up to the persons involved.
So it is funny I am the one you claim to be the "moral majority"

By your statements you seem to think it is ok for the person that posted the "rules" to push her beliefs on others but I am worng for just believing what I do..........Hummmmmm
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 81
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 4/23/2010 1:53:49 PM
Ok now show me where I said that everybody should believe as I do. The woman that posted the rules had just scolded her for preaching. Just because she said she thought it was immoral to date someone still married........What are her rules but her beliefs? So is she not preaching?

The really funny or sad thing is how people talk about being open minded till someone says something they do not agree with!!! Is that not the definition of a hypocrite?


She never pushed her beliefs, she merely posted what works for her


So let me get this right she can post her beliefs but I cannot?
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 82
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 4/23/2010 9:48:03 PM
Didn't you "paint" me into the moral majority?
As far as a attack I haven't attacked anyone I did point out how one was scolded for her opinion while the one doing the scolding freely gave hers and all the time calming to be open minded.
As I said it is up to the people involved personally I would not do it and the morality of it is just part of the reason.
No hard feelings.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 83
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 4/27/2010 5:50:16 AM

2. "Separated" means you have nonstop drama with the spouse, whether they are going through a divorce or not.

No, it doesn't. My gf had been seperated for two years when I met her. She had been living 250 miles away from her soon-to-be ex for over a year. The only ``drama'' involved was a couple of phone calls to get the paper work for the divorce done. My gf has never even seen her ex during the time I've been dating her. (I know this for certain. Her ex lives 4-1/2 hours from us and the only time we've gone to Houston to visit her mother, I went with her.) Prior to dating my gf, I'd never even dated a woman who had been married and I've had way more drama with those women.

3. And what's up with those that are the "or nots?" If you are separated why aren't you getting a divorce?

I already gave one good reason.

Basically, your reasons only apply if you make bad decisions about the individual circumstances involved. In my case, absolutely none of your reasons applied to my gf. I am capable of making judgments on a case-by-case basis and don't need a legal document to tell me whether someone is really single. I can think for myself.
 DragNFlyBuzzez
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 84
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 4/27/2010 4:37:27 PM
ABBicci,
thank you,

You have given me hope, my divorce is 2 plus years long so far, this place makes me feel like toxic waste, thank goodness for the forums.........

"kind of like molasses running up hill in winter slow"
after reading you everyday,
how about warm honey on your belly!!!!!!

hehehehehe
 DragNFlyBuzzez
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 85
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 4/27/2010 5:05:12 PM
Tupelo honey is produced when honeybees collect nectar from the blossoms of the white Ogeechee tupelo (Nyssa ogeche) tree.

I like your taste!!!!!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 86
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 4/28/2010 7:51:53 AM
She clearly doesn't have any kids,

No, she doesn't. But if there are kids, the drama will still be there AFTER getting a divorce. If you factor kids into the picture, I'd think the drama associated with a divorced woman with kids would be greater than a seperated woman without kids. One thing that I didn't like about dating at my age was the fact that if I dated someone with kids, I'd have to be deal with her ex husband because she couldn't just ``move on'' and dispense with him as part of her life.

Someone who has been separated AND living 250 miles away from their ex for two years is going to be more "stable" in her "singleness" than someone who moved out last month.

That was my point. You can't make a blanket statement about issues with dating someone who is seperated. It's one of those things that you have to decide on a case by case basis. My gf could have gotten divorced sooner, but because she would have lost her health insurance, she'd be $40,000.00 in debt for surgery. She wasn't very keen on staying married because she wasn't going to get back together with her husband and her husband's credit was a negative effect on her credit. Remaining married until she had health insurance through her employer was simply the logical thing to do.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 87
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 4/30/2010 11:05:27 AM
Dating separated men ( still legally married ) is like playing Russian roullete,you don't know if you are lucky or unlucky to have a good a future with him with no hassles.

I know that there are some women who goes for separated men, to have their adrenalin pump to have a drama life, like the separated wife bother them , fights between husband and wife over her, husband was back with the wife, ect.ect..

Meh, I am not going to waste my life messing up with a separated man, for I don't know how long, we'll be together, and when he is going back to his wife.
Even we can't marry each other for economic reason, I want to see his divorce paper that he is legally single..


PS Separated men in the eyes of the Law ,their wives still has the holds on them legally...
 Annie was here
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 88
Why women wont date separated men
Posted: 4/30/2010 3:04:30 PM
Why won't women date separated men? Well first and foremost is because they are married!


Clean up the first mess you made before starting in on another one.
 *topchef*
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 89
Why women wont date separated men
Posted: 5/1/2010 8:02:36 AM
Legal status does not have any bearing on what is going on in the heart and mind of an individual.

You can be legally married...and not be committed to the relationship. Ample evidence of this everywhere.
You can be separated....and still be involved in the relationship or freed of it completely.
You can be legally single, and be passionately committed to your beloved.

Legal status does NOT equate to state of mind. You must get to know the person.

Separated people, depending on how difficult the previous relationship may still be dealing with drama and may not have resolved internal conflicts, therefore not be healthy and ready for a new relationship. The amount of time anyone might need to get whole again, will vary.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 90
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Why women wont date separated men
Posted: 5/1/2010 9:23:55 AM

"Marriage is just a piece of paper, I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that I'm married or a piece of paper that I am divorce.


Well, document papers is nescessity , intangible emotional matters is not acknowdge in civil court, example >> A man is separated from his wife let's say 30 years ,they won't get a divorce because they are Catholic..And this man is living with this woman for blissful 30 years,she gave him her best years, of loving him uncondionally,she took care of him when he become disable ,she even losed all her savings for hospital bills ,to augment his life for no avail. When he passed away even his remain is not hers it went to his legal wife /family,and all his properties.. what the older mistress have is just memories and broke..
""" That piece of paper is important in a person's life.""
 misszmsz
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 91
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/27/2010 12:34:00 PM
Many seperated men put "single" as status.

Last time he wrote, his status was seperated. 4 months later he has a new profile, with single as the status.

This guy I know is still seperated, and not planning on getting a divorce because he said it has to do with his wifes medical insurance.

I told him that was fine to remain attached to his ex-wife, but it was not in MY best interest to even correspond further.

Did he think that I would not recognize him?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 92
Why women wont date separated men
Posted: 6/27/2010 2:47:32 PM

Legal status does NOT equate to state of mind.

I agree -- because it's not about legality, and nothing will always be the same. But particular statuses, like "just broken up" or "recently separated" and the like do give a higher % chance of their state of mind being wrapped up in or about another person.

You must get to know the person.

Yeah, but nobody is obligated to get to know the person. Hence, many people move aside when it comes to someone who's separated when they don't know them. Why utilize all that time? Far more often than not, there's issues/baggage, etc. if they're still separated w/o divorce. Additionally, getting to know them some won't tell the real tale -- only if they seem to be telling the truth or if there's more to it than they say (which much of the time it ends up being). Sometimes, folks who are recently broken up or separated won't totally know how their state of mind will unfold, or how the events will too, as time rolls on in the not too-distant-future. Hence, if they have other potential options that are desirable to them, they'll go over there.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 93
Why women wont date separated men
Posted: 6/28/2010 5:22:26 PM

but this statement I find very short sighted... I am seperated, not legally divorced yet. wich doesn't make a difference to my situation at all..

I said...

Sometimes, folks who are recently broken up or separated won't totally know how their state of mind will unfold

Sometimes, not all the time -- for recently separated folk.

The reason I say that is because I have dealt with people recently or even semi-recently broken up or separated. I've known people who've dated separated or recently people with their hopes up, and they come crashing down. We all know that happens.

Some people, if it hasn't been too long after any kind of LTR breakup (marriage or not), don't know where their feelings are going to go. Not necessarily running back -- but they don't know how everything mentally is going to unfold for them. Many of said recenly-broken-up folk THINK they know, but they don't... entirely. It's a new experience to them.

Just like some people, when they lose a loved one (death), they may be fine for a month or two, then kind of wig out. They don't know the person, and someone who's been kinda recently broken up -- well, that factors into it even if things seem alright, because they -are- clearly being 100% truthful as far as ya can tell.
 S.O.U.L
Joined: 11/23/2009
Msg: 94
Why women wont date separated men
Posted: 6/29/2010 12:04:24 AM
If marriage is just a piece of paper then why would someone who isnt separated invest time and energy developing a meaning relationship with someone who has that mentality,

So if you were to remarry in the future and your new spouse decided to have an have an affair... you wouldnt be upset right? After all your marriage is "just a piece of paper" and who gets upset over just a piece paper?
 Jewlsey*
Joined: 1/24/2009
Msg: 95
Why women wont date separated men
Posted: 6/29/2010 4:58:19 AM

If marriage is just a piece of paper then why would someone who isnt separated invest time and energy developing a meaning relationship with someone who has that mentality


Well said SOUL
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 96
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Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/29/2010 8:01:52 AM
I believe that men and women might feel that a separated individual has not done the emotional homework of dealing with their new separation. That tends to be a rebound situation and rebounds tend not to work out in the long run.

There is also the possibility that a separated person might not really be separated or that they are still not sure they are over with their relationship.

In the long run, people just feel more secure knowing that a person is truly free.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 97
Why women wont date separated men
Posted: 6/29/2010 8:48:48 AM
Vega,

I wouldn't say convict -- more like being on a suspended license... to the dating prospects who are *relationship-hunting*. If you just broke up or just got separated -- and nobody's obligated to know anyone's story. The dating world is full of filters before getting to know someone.

but you dont want to take the chance..?

No, not if there's other options of the same value, all other things being equal, and in relationship-hunting mode. I think if a gal looks at your profile and thinks "This one is awesome", and hasn't dealt with the common situation of meeting a guy who was separated from online where it ended up being weird and all -- yeah, very well might write to you. Or if she wasn't on the look-out for a relationship.

In a place like this, a pretty gal who's got herself together -- she has plenty of options. Why take extra 'chances' if they have options with less 'chances'? You're just as much of a stranger than the next guy she browses or gets an email from.
 S.O.U.L
Joined: 11/23/2009
Msg: 98
Why women wont date separated men
Posted: 6/30/2010 1:07:28 PM

his sounds more like you're at a car dealership.. this has nothing to do with love...
you cant bargain love, you cant just deduct and discard feelings...


What love, what feelings. If you're seperated and you approach someone who isnt and they say "thanks, but no thanks" because of your marital status it's not any different than being a hundred percent single and being rejected.

It's easier to get a divorce than it is trying to convince someone that they should accept something they're not comfortable eacccepting.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 99
Why women wont date seperated men
Posted: 6/30/2010 4:39:04 PM
~OT~ I read these threads and I always think of ONE thing. I know a man (no I did not date him) who was separated. His estranged spouse moved to S. California, he stayed in the Pacific NW. Life went on, no one bothered to file for divorce or legal separation. One night, while drunk, she drowned in the ocean. Still legally married, they called on him to take care of shipping her body home (even though she had parents, he was her legal next of kin). And that was just the beginning. She left a HUGE mess ~ after all was determined, probate of her estate, etc., bankruptcy was his only option, even after her life insurance (that he remained beneficiary of.) The joy of community property states (both his and CA.) The depth of things associated with her death went on for years. There may not have been drama while she was off boinking all the Marines at Camp Pendleton, but there was a LOT of drama post-death. Personally? I just don't agree with leaving things un-done. That includes legalities. To each their own, it's not for me (and I doubt this guy I'm typing about would disagree.) JMO
 *Just Jim*
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 100
Why women wont date separated men
Posted: 6/30/2010 5:09:19 PM

Again, I'd still take it on a case by case basis. Someone leaving a 10 year relationship is equally capable of not being ready to date, as someone leaving a 10 year marriage, IMO.


hon, imo it's all about the money or your emotional thingy to move on. imo, in the real world it's about taking care of business.
To drag your feet is a cope out , you folks, imo is a fwb if that much to me...sorry.... jmo
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