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 leannemarville
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 2
Trusting another after being abusedPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Thank you all,
I will take this advice to heart.
 leannemarville
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 4
Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 11/16/2007 6:19:15 AM
Not that it is any of your business honey, but it is called child support/ alimony......Yeah it is nice not to have to work, not that I can't or don't want to....but i don't have to.....instead i can stay home and raise my kids the way I want them to be raised and not letting them care about what society thinks!
 PacificStar
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 5
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Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 11/16/2007 6:37:38 AM
Thinking anyone, includeing counselors can take charge and run your life better than you can is a dangerous proposition. Yea all of us like to be guided and protected but there is a time you finally realize that you have to stand on your own two feet in this world or someone is probably standing on your throat.

Abusers do have basic methods of operation you can spot if you are looking.

1) They count on you never verifying what they tell you. You are smart enough to be on line learn the checks and balances that are readily available to you.
2) They count on you telling where your vunerabilities are. Keep some things to yourself. Whiner's and crybaby's get picked on more because they tell people it has happen before and I am and easy target.
3) They are just sooooh nice in the begining. Remember Prince Charming was a Frog. Good manners up front put people off guard. Doesn't a used car salesman always shake your hand when he greets you? Real quality people are not that out there in the beginning.
4) They have disfunctional family relationships. Apples don't fall very far from the tree. Daddy is a whore chaser Momma a drunk you are probably going to be tangleing with a master manipulator and a woman hater.
5) They have few other relationships and no long standing ones. That is why they have time to zero in on you.
6) They repeat what works. If they are already some baby's deadbeat Daddy what makes you think they are going to do any better by you?
7) They flatter you with BS but you never see any real substance, no things, ever get brought to the table. He tells you he just wants to be with you because to take you anywhere costs. They rarely have any stable work history or credit.
8) They want to seperate you from the herd. They will agree your parents are a drag and your best friend is a ****. They can't get you out of your circle fast enough.
9) They blame people for their problems.
10) They have battle scars. Arrest records, prison tats, broken teeth, gunshot wounds, bloody noses, broken fingers. People don't get their their ass beat for no reason they lied, cheated, or abused someone.

THere are other markers but you get the idea..........THE WAY TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE IS TO CHANGE YOUR CHOICES.
 miss_vixen
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 6
Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 11/16/2007 7:47:47 PM
wow the exact same thing happened to me in a past relationship, it took me over a year to leave him but im glad i finally was able to, unfortunatley the abuse continued on for a while until i was with someone else. i admit i was also scared of being hurt again and found that i didnt open up as much as i should have, its hard but you have to realize that not everyone is a jerk and if you dont give someone a fair chance you may miss out on something great
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 7
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Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 11/16/2007 9:01:08 PM
Welcome to the world of reality, and good for you for not being bitter.

Of course, you are leary. There is good and bad in men/women in datingland. That isn't going to change. You are being in a abusive relationship, walked away, healed and are wiser for it.

Relax, take each day, each date, and a relationship one at a time, and remember that no one or nothing can control you. Only you can control you. Remember you are worthy of a decent relationship, and don't stop till you find one. Then cherish the important of an abuse free relationship.
 m409998m1
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 9
Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 11/16/2007 9:32:59 PM
I have a friend in the same boat as you were in, and I just don't get it. Can't leave, or won't leave? Everyone tells her to get out. They even offer her help, some financially. I guess it's fear of fear that's she's afraid of. I figure it's like that sickness where you self mutilate, cut yourself and things like that. I often wonder, is pain an addiction?

OK enough....

Open your eyes wide and see the person/man as he is, and not through rose colored glasses and smittem by love. Trust in yourself that you've learned from the A-hole you left.
 sayalla
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 10
Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 11/16/2007 9:49:01 PM
OP, first my advice is to give yourself more time before looking for another relationship. It takes time to heal and gain perspective. After that then, I suggest to decide ahead of time how many red flags are too many red flags. The list above gives many of the red flags that you should look out for. I would also advise you to heed your instincts. If you keep getting a feeling that something is not right, then pay attention. And also have an exit strategy. Potentially abusive/controlling/manipulative men don't go away easily. Good luck.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 11
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Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 11/16/2007 10:21:10 PM
If you have done some relationship recovery work since March then you might be ready to consider a new relationship. If you haven't figured out what your part in it was in starting the dysfunctional relationship; what your part in it was as it went from something desireable in the beginning to something you thought you couldn't live without; and if you haven't figured out your part in ending it, then you will do the same thing again ... and again .. and again.

The person to build trust with is yourself ... learning to recognize when you are being groomed by a controller/abuser. Recognize when a person starts isolating you. Once you have the skills you'll stop attracting them.

At that point your boundaries will be good. So, as said, you won't need gaurd. You'll be able to trust the only person you can really learn to trust - yourself.

Gandi
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 12
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Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 11/17/2007 3:11:34 PM
Counseling is a good way to go. It's important that you understand why you ignored or misinterpreted signals that could have told you from the beginning that the guy wasn't good news. As "sweet" as you say he was, all abusers show signs early on that they are controlling, narcissistic, or whatever. Most abusers are charismatic and socially adept when they need to be, so you have to learn to look for the signs underneath the charming facade. Learning to read those signals from potential abusers is important.

Obviously, take things slow in your next relationship. Any guy not willing to take things slow wouldn't be a good match for you right now. DO NOT tell the next guy (at least for months) that you're just getting out of an abusive relationship. The guy will either feel sorry for you, or (if he has abusive tendencies himself) will see you as a mark as well. Either way, his respect for you will plummet. Don't tell him. Deal with whatever you're going through with your platonic friends or a counselor. When you have a solid relationship MONTHS into the future, then you can tell your next boyfriend if the subject comes up.
 leannemarville
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 13
Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 11/17/2007 3:46:55 PM
Thank you all so very much.

I have noticed one thing about my whole situation......atleast I have gotten over "The fear of being alone" and as for me not loving some one that i can live with, but instead finding and loving some one that I can't live without......no matter how long it takes to find them.

Thanks again
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 14
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Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 11/17/2007 4:47:18 PM

(OP) I was just wondering if anybody has advice for me on this subject.
In my last relationship I was controlled and abused by my boyfriend.


You came out of an abusive relationship so you know you can do it again.

When it comes to controlling explain to any potential partner what you like doing and that you wil continue to do it. For example, let's say you like going out with your girlfriends once a month for an evening. If, at some time in the relationship, your partner complains just remind him you told him that when you met.

Or, maybe you feel finances should be separate and you don't want someone telling you how to spend your money. Should your partner complain, at some point, about your spending habits make it clear you explained your position regarding finances at the start of the relationship. If he becomes upset at you then you become just as upset and indignant that he would attempt to change what was agreed upon in the beginning.

Comtrolling people usually learn very quickly if you insist you will not change but you must insist. Do not change your mind. Do not feel you have to give in so as to keep them happy.

It is their words/actions/expectations that are the cause of the problem. You informed them of your position before entering the relationship and that's the way things are going to be.

So, don't worry about it happening again because it won't if you follow that advice. When they first try to control you give them the "shocked look" as if to say, "Are you for real?!" If they continue complaining simply state, "I told you when we first met I do "that" and that's exactly what I'm going to do."

This old man learned that lesson the hard way.
 still_hope
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 15
Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 4/20/2008 10:46:14 AM
I really appreciate reading all your good posts on this topic. Some others in the forums about abusive relationships haven't been as fair, kind and supportive.

I have been away from my abusive marriage for six monthes, divorced for one month. I made the mistake of getting envolved too soon and I don't know who was hurt more....the other person or myself. If it was meant to be, maybe things can be talked through...if not, live and learn and go on, I guess. Lack of trust feels like a knee jerk reaction and I think the other person deserves to know that it's coming from the abusive past. I don't know that I would not tell a potential partner for monthes. It feels too much like deception also. I think honesty is not only what we do say but what we don't say too. I do agree with speaking up for yourself from the very beginning. I got along to get along way too much in my eight year marriage.

One comment I'd like to make is HOW this happens. Perhaps, we can protect ourselves by really understanding it. Men and Women who abuse are GREAT at deception. They do such a good job, they often fool themselves just what reality is.

Somewhere in counseling or in the books I read recently, I came across this example:
If you put a frog in hot, boiling water it will do anything it can to climb or jump out to save it's life.
Put the same frog in cold water and gradually turn up the heat, it will not realize it's danger and not try to climb or jump out.
This is what an abusive relationship is like. I'm still realizing what happened and how it happened and how I can rebuild my life and self esteem. I think it becomes a part of us.

Every step you take, every day you are away...You are a survivor! Wishing you the best of luck and hope you know you are not alone!!!
 blondeinny
Joined: 2/24/2008
Msg: 17
Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 4/20/2008 12:07:44 PM
You didn't specify what type of abuse, but any kind leaves unfortunate scars.
Please consider a few thoughts, from experience.

Write down things you did, felt, the warning signs you missed.
It helps you uncover how and why you became a victim.

Next, work at changing them.
Rebuild your self-confidence.
Rediscover who you are, and what brings you joy.

Expecting a man to fix or comfort you's too big a burden on a new relationship.
Grow, change first, and you'll attract good men, and relationships when ready.
If you were hurt physically, you'd allow yourself time to mend.
You were hurt emotionally. It takes time to heal from that, too.
Blessings
 QUICKSILVER217
Joined: 11/22/2006
Msg: 19
Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 4/20/2008 1:58:38 PM
I agree with the book suggestions and there are a lot of good books out there.
Someone asked how does it start internally for the victim and why does he/she allow it to happen?
Boundaries, learning what is yours and yours to keep.
When someone dismisses your reaction and response to something as invalid and silly, you begin to doubt your own feelings and thoughts. It is insidious but you begin to become confused into thinking that your thoughts about what is not OK, and your own internal yardsticks are somehow wrong. This is where the process begins, often in childhood, often unintentionally, but it is the thin end of the wedge. You will notice this as a Red Flag as well, when someone dismisses your (very valid) upset as "over-reacting".

Your feelings are yours to keep and yours to honour - always. If you are feeling sad or sick and run down repeatedly without really being able to say why - that response is an alarm bell, don't dismiss it as "biological/hormonal".

Keep a diary, seeing things in black and white will help sort the "hormonal" from reality. Keep this diary quiet and somewhere safe - abusers really don't like diaries, they don't like you to think, they try to monopolise your time, take control over your money and your mobility. It happens slowly, while they flash gorgeous smiles.....
Good luck OP.
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 20
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Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 1/19/2014 6:25:14 PM
Another good book is Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. Author is a man btw.
Twisting facts is common. Rallying family and friends to see things his way is also common so the abused person begins to think "It must be me...I have the problem".

Abuse is about CONTROL ---->and anger management alone is not the root of the problem. In class I show the movie "The Burning Bed" to demonstrate the depth and pain of domestic violence. The trailer can be found on youtube. An abused person will say:

"He doesn't mean to say those tings-he just loses control."
"He can be sweet and generous" Everyone likes him"

This book goes inside the minds of angry and controlling men--- will help you survive, or leave an abusive relationship.

My grandmother was right when she said "You never know someone till you live with them"---but there are red flags.

Important to get out of the relationship and start over.
 cesska
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 21
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Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 1/19/2014 6:49:50 PM
stay alone it is safer
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 22
Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 1/19/2014 7:04:30 PM
A bloke i met back at university had grown up in a household of physical abuse, and so when, years later, he was looking for a date and a roomate, he met a woman who, unfortunately, made him feel at home. He had always wondered why his sister married not one, but two wife-beaters, yet when he met a woman he felt was abusing her daughter, he saw it not as red flag...but as something he could handle. Never occured to him to ask why he should.

Spotting red flags begins with knowing what they look like. lead a healthy life, and you'll instantly spot an unhealthy situation. it will look plain unnatural to you. get to that level, and you'll be able to trust your natural instincts to see things unnatural to you.

you might be able to take a short cut, and recognize what it was your past abuser did that was disrespectful and unhealthy...then use him as your measuring stick. meet someone new who conducts themself with others the way your past lover did (such as poison your mind that you can't live without him), and you'll know its time to look a lot closer, or just leave automatically.
 Alphacuck
Joined: 11/18/2013
Msg: 23
Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 1/20/2014 4:38:48 AM
Wow, a seven year old thread just got revived!



Basically what the OP has is called BAGGAGE!

If you're not giving others a fair chance because of something from your past then you're not ready for the future. You're still holding onto baggage, and that's not fair to the next person.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 24
Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 1/20/2014 8:00:19 AM
Your concerns about ending in another abusive relationship are well founded. First of all many people that have been in abusive relationship end up again in abusive relationship.

So how do you break that cycle? Well, start by looking back at the relationships that turned abusive in your past. Look all the way to your mom and dad. Were they abusive to each other? Were they controlling? Very strict? Did they use abandonment as a form of punishment?

After that then look at the men you have been with? How did it start? When was the boundaries first crossed? Why did you allowed it? Was it something subtle or something blunt?

Like others have said, read some books. You can stop the cycle, but you need to discover what is inside of you that has to be changed so you can stop attracting this type of person.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 25
Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 1/20/2014 8:58:37 AM
"You can stop the cycle, but you need to discover what is inside of you that has to be changed so you can stop attracting this type of person."

Granted, spotting an abuser isn't always easy-especially after a short courtship. But the other half of the solution-besides not attracting abusers-is immediately getting out of that situation, which, for some crazy and insane reason, some people refuse to do. This might sound harsh, but I have zero pity for anybody who gets into an abusive relationship and doesn't get out the second it starts and just tolerates it. Abused people come up with dumb excuses for staying in it-financial hardship if they leave, fear of violence, etc. So how does staying in that kind of environment solve the abuse? If people weren't in such a hurry and mad rush to get into a serious relationship, a lot of abuse could be avoided by getting to know someone better before committing to them, instead of strangers committing their undying love for each other right away.
 juliettes7
Joined: 11/4/2012
Msg: 26
Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 1/20/2014 11:37:14 AM
You've never been female. Though it can happen to anyone, women are by far the usual victims. Laws had to be changed, shelters set up, even fighting for one's rights--met with dubiousness by police and outsiders.

"Granted, spotting an abuser isn't always easy-especially after a short courtship. "

OBVIOUSLY, if she spotted "abuser" stamped on his back it would be clear. But abusers look like everybody else, mild mannered, kind, religious, warm--they are not all sullen, tense people. Obviously, some of it is conditioning-abusive parent, abusive spouse likely..

"But the other half of the solution-besides not attracting abusers-is immediately getting out of that situation, which, for some crazy and insane reason, some people refuse to do."

Have you ever been abused?
Not likely, since anyone who KNOWS anything about the experience, wouldn't make "THOSE people are idiots" statements.

But go ahead and keep judging things you know nothing about.

I've never had a drug or alcohol problem or smoked, but I don't say these degenerates just WANT to screw up their lives and health. Or those teen prostitutes just want to be whores, right?

Clearly, we are responsible for overcoming our problems, but there are places to assist people to recover and become healthy.

You can keep judging vs doing anything helpful, since it lets you feel superior, which is THE POINT of people making statements "They must want the abuse". Pathetic: anyone who feels better about themselves, by sneering at the pain of others.

" This might sound harsh, but I have zero pity for anybody who gets into an abusive relationship and doesn't get out the second it starts and just tolerates it. "

Who asked for your pity? Keep being judgmental. It just makes you a smug and hard person who attracts the same.

This is a common attitude I hear- "they must want it". Where's the outrage at the abuser-no , it's the "loser" at fault and the abuser is the "victor". Whose side one takes says volumes. Might is always right-ya wanna be on the side that's "winnin", has the power.

"Abused people come up with dumb excuses for staying in it-financial hardship if they leave, fear of violence, etc. "

It's not a dumb excuse-it's a classic hardship--if you have no money, if he controls the money, that makes it very difficult to leave. Fear of violence escalation is real. Faking your own death, witness protection. is practically needed to subvert stalking.
As for"abused people" they are PEOPLE--it's your kind who loves to reduce them to a stigma. Contrary to your beliefs , many do go on to lead productive lives .

"So how does staying in that kind of environment solve the abuse?"

Unless there is a shelter available/family one can turn to nearby, there can be problems and delays getting out. No claimed it "solved anything". It's called "being trapped".

"If people weren't in such a hurry and mad rush to get into a serious relationship, a lot of abuse could be avoided by getting to know someone better before committing to them, instead of strangers committing their undying love for each other right away."

I'm not sure if it's related, agree about waiting but no one wants to wait for a thing.
Abuse usually doesn't start right away--they groom you to the point were they control contact with family friends, how you dress, etc..it is a slow tightening of invisible reins, with rationales--"I worry about you" etc.
A troll doesn't throw you down a well from the getgo, a boogeyman doesn't grab you from under bridge. It's often someone claiming to be your best friend, who wants to "do what's best for you" and other lies, and escalates from there. Being brutish from the start seldom works.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 27
Trusting another after being abused
Posted: 1/20/2014 12:12:05 PM

This might sound harsh, but I have zero pity for anybody who gets into an abusive relationship and doesn't get out the second it starts and just tolerates it. Abused people come up with dumb excuses for staying in it-financial hardship if they leave, fear of violence, etc.


I have to disagree with this statement. Abuse is a complex issue and it comes in many colors, tones and variations. The physical abuser is easy to spot or even throw the law at that person, but the emotional abuser is a lot harder to detect, to put the finger on it. Many times the abuser is a passive aggressive type of person, who most of the time is rather calm, until they explode. Or seem at even kilt all the time, and their abuse is in their their unrealistic expectations, demands and requirements.

A good friend of mine, she makes a ton of money, is very attractive, is a manager and the least person you would imagine to be a victim. The boyfriend was a good guy, most of the time quite normal, caring, yet when they got explosive their went through a toxic exchange, followed by abandonments and then the reconciliation, by the time the fights got out of hand they already been in a relationship for a year and a half. The problem many cases is the analogy of the frog. If you throw a frog in hot water, the frog freaks out and tries to jump out. If you put the frog in room temperature water and then slowly up the heat, it will boil and never come out.

How do you tell the forrest from the trees when you are inside?
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 28
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A seven year old thread & trusting another
Posted: 2/20/2014 6:32:27 PM
"Wow, a seven year old thread just got revived!"

Abusive is timeless & it hurts.

I wanted to know more about abuse.

WHY?

Well, its somewhat embarrassing b/c I teach about abuse and never thought I would miss the red flags or find myself in an abusive relationship at this age.

Well there were no red flags.

For the first several months, he was kind, generous, loving, understanding and more.

BUT he slowly began to demand more control under the guise of "togetherness".

It went from tolerable to calling me filthy names, and so much more--almost text book--causing me to doubt myself, to blame myself, to feel badly and sleepless, etc

Ultimately, the forums gave me a sense of peace and a place to seek layman opinions.

(note--this relationship began to deteriorate when the abuse showed its ugly self--about 14 months).
 HonkyTonk_Woman
Joined: 9/16/2013
Msg: 29
A seven year old thread & trusting another
Posted: 2/22/2014 7:56:54 AM

The problem is you, not the fact you were abused, but you allowed someone to treat you badly and stayed with them. Your descion making is bad, as your self esteem was before you ever met him. Until you work that out, your just going to keep meeting guys like him

I think..this sums it up.....A person should never allow another to treat them badly....simple.
YOU can only look after yourself...in a situation.....don't think the other person is going to change.

It's a fine line to walk now.....don't hold the bitter in but be aware of someone with control issues.
A relationship is about "both" people feeling good about themselves....(self esteem)..
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 30
A seven year old thread & trusting another
Posted: 2/22/2014 9:44:20 AM
trust begins at trusting yourself. You can't trust the other person to be a good choice. You have to trust yourself to make the good choice. You have to trust yourself not to have the strength to avoid pain (b/c that's impossible), but the strength to handle pain when it comes along. what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger and all that.

take care of your own needs, don't rely on other people to do that. when you take care of your own needs, you respect and respond to yourself. what will happen then is, you'll notice the other people who act the same way--those are the good people who love you.

treat yourself with disrespect, and naturally you will notice those people--they act as you act. you'll feel comfortable around them, b/c they think the way you do about how you should be treated. they'll only go so far as you would for your own self.
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