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 CaribbeanJoy
Joined: 9/27/2007
Msg: 27
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Why do women initiate more Breakups ?Page 4 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I have not read the full thread so I apologize if I am repeating what some one else already told:

Women dont initiate most breakups, men do. Sure, women tend t be the first to say "lets break up," but they tend to do this after the man cheated or stopped paying attention, neglected them, insulted them, hurt their feelings, etc. Them "initiating" the breakup is just a reaction to us actually messing up the relationship.

And its not like men cheat more than women either, btw, I have heard many studies (sure i take those skeptically) that indicate more women cheat than men, but they are smarter while at it, they actually start paying more attention to their partner and are better at hiding it than the man, so the man sometimes never realizes about the temporary affairs and never initiates a breakup. If its not that temporary of an affair, then she may also initiate breakup to keep up the relationship with this other person. Men in that situation tend to incline to keep both things going until one blows up.
 kevinmach
Joined: 3/29/2007
Msg: 29
Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/21/2007 11:30:22 AM

I think men are sometimes unaware of how unhappy the women can be


This is probably true.


I HAD been telling them--in clear English--what was "wrong".


This is probably not.

I believe men do often feel confused on how to proceed when the woman indicates there is problem and are more likely to ignore the problems. But I've often seen situations where women are woefully unclear about what the solution is, and it very often feels like a moving target. So, in that sense, I am not surprised that the guy who doesn't understand what's wrong, doesn't do anything, or assumes the woman is just going through a "phase".


Surprisingly, what Dash said was also true. If you had to ask me based on my personal experience, I would be inclined to say that I consider women to be the slightly more happier of the two. When is the last time you heard about a woman killing everyone in her family or going on a shooting spree? Not nearly as often as men. But recent studies indicate that women are more than twice as likely as men to suffer from depression and unhappiness.
 naeco
Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 31
Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/21/2007 7:27:36 PM
It's a control issue. I had a woman break up with me once, and we got things sorted out and tried again. It just wasn't working, so I broke up with her with all intentions of moving on. She begged and pleaded for me not to leave. So, I said okay. A month later she left, and told me that the whole reason she begged for me back was because she didn't want someone to leave her. At the breakup point of the relationship, the person breaking it off is in control. And many women can't stand it if they aren't the one making the decision to end the relationship.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 32
Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/21/2007 8:11:28 PM
I don’t know about other men but .......

I find a pair of boots or shoes I like and ...... I always like them ....... always. Same with jeans or other things I like - including females.

Shoes (and men) are ............. yesterday’s news to many gals rather quickly.

Personally - I have never stopped liking a girl friend. I never stopped being attracted to a girl friend. My ex wife was the only gal on my mind for 20 years. I liked her (as a female) just as much as I did the first day we met. I don’t think that happens with all that many females. I don’t think guys stay all that interesting to gals very long. They get bored with us and start to dream of someone new to them. Then start looking for excuses - then dwell on those excuses and build on them and WAM ........ get themselves convinced and dump you .
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 33
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Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/21/2007 9:10:50 PM
I wonder: If divorce courts didn't favour women financially, and men got hit on as often as women got hit on, for relationships, dates and sex, would men initiate divorce as much as women? Judging by the number of men who've posted that an extremely large motivation for getting into a marriage is regular sex, and that so many men posted that once they got married, the sex went downhill, often to almost nothing, I would imagine that if men could get out of a marriage without it costing them an arm and a leg, and if they could easily find another willing sex partner, I think it would be a no-brainer for over 75% of men.

I find a pair of boots or shoes I like and ...... I always like them ....... always. Same with jeans or other things I like - including females.
Me too. But it seems that although it can take up to a few months for me to find jeans I like, I've only ever met 3 women I liked, and none of them fitted.
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 36
Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/23/2007 12:07:37 PM
More insecure..
More self-destructive...
More unaware of what they want..
More suseptable to public or "friends" opinion..
More likely to have "set rules"..
More likely to be from Mars...
need I go on??..
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 37
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Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/23/2007 2:03:31 PM

I think men are sometimes unaware of how unhappy the women can be. Even if she SAYS she's unhappy, he's thinking, "I'm not unhapy--how can she be?"

I have broken up with guys after my saying for weeks or months "I'm not happy with [certain aspect of relationship]". When I say I've had enough and it's over, they ask, "Why didn't you tell me anything was wrong?" ARGH--I HAD been telling them--in clear English--what was "wrong".
WHAMMO! That's it in a nutshell.

Only had 2 "serious" relationships in my life...one for over 20 yrs, and one for 7 yrs. BOTH were very aware of the problem as it had been discussed at length on several occassions, one we even went to counciling for; but yet both were surprised when I actually walked out the door. Both issues were major "deal-breakers" and there is 0 doubt in my mind (or by their own admissions) that had situations been reversed, they would have walked MUCH sooner than I did.

I think there's a lot to the thought that if they're not unhappy, they don't see how you can be. I also tend to agree that women do have the tendency to be "pickier" and demand more from a relationship, therefore we might want to consider "choosing our battles" lest we appear to be "crying wolf". Some who complains about MUCH is less likely to be taken seriously than someone who complains little.
 critter235
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 38
Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/23/2007 2:48:27 PM
After lots of looking and soul searching I've found that the biggest reason for not being happy in a relationship is not being happy with ourselves and the #1 reason for breakups and affairs is low self esteem. That is the reason for codependant relationships and looking for someone else to "make" us happy which almost always ends up in a breakup, someone else can't do that and unless something changes inside us the cycle will continue. A really interesting theory about what brings certain people together (and later apart) is called The Imago Relationship Theory and ties in with this subject very well.
 critter235
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 39
Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/23/2007 3:37:09 PM
A great number cheat on guys that are fantastic lovers and sexual satisfaction often has very little to do with breakups . ( I know that for a fact and will not go into details ) And huge egos are usually the facade of low self esteem. Pride and ego are the opposite of self confidence and two things that undermine a relationship.
 critter235
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 40
Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/24/2007 9:21:22 AM
The most ironic thing is after listening to what a woman is unhappy about,the quickest way to drive that last nail in the coffin is to say something like "I'll change" or "I'll do whatever it takes" and then do it. How many alcoholics have dried out and then his wife immediately leaves? Now you are no longer a "man" in her eyes because you've given in to her wishes???? What's even more ironic is that of all the things that drove her crazy....she'll leave for a guy that displays all those characteristics she couldn't stand in double measure.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 41
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Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/24/2007 4:47:25 PM


How many alcoholics have dried out and then his wife immediately leaves?
never heard of even one. They SAY they will do it coz they love you, but come on. Can only speculate that by the time he dries out (IF, and unlikely), it will be years or even decades. She is FED UP by then and it's beyond repair.
It's the Saviour Comnplex. The thing is, that people who date an alcoholic often date alcoholic after alcoholic after alcoholic, and if they go on a date with someone who isn't an alcoholic, they say there just isn't any "chemistry", but if they go on a date with almost any alcoholic, they are asking when the alcoholic wants to move in. It's really, really, really common.
 Wabbitswayer
Joined: 10/4/2005
Msg: 42
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Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/24/2007 5:16:19 PM
'cause when a man initiates anything it usually costs him money.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 43
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Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/25/2007 8:28:39 PM

***Truth is men tolerate women much better, than women tolerate men!***

You know? I don't think anyone has ever articulated so clearly the core reason behind why I gave up, but that's it. I will never, ever, ever again take the risk that the man who claims he loves me is actually tolerating me so that he can eat at my table and sleep in my bed. Never. It's too vile to even contemplate, especially in light of the fact that I don't need to marry in order to survive. Money can be come by more honestly, as can things like landscaping and auto repair.
Onlyforumsonly, you're taking things way too personally. The fact is that we all have to cut each other a little slack, or we would never survive, because people are human, people make mistakes and if you never tolerated a mistake from anyone, you'd never be able to get on with anyone. So we all tolerate each other to some degree or other. But the reality is that men are blamed for mistakes far more often than women, even if it's the woman who made the mistake, because men are willing to cut women more slack than women are willing to cut men. Why? Because men have existed in the real world, trying to scrape a living, for over 6000 years. Men have had to fight for everything they have, and still put on a happy face. So men know how hard life really is. Women in the USA, Canada, and the UK, have only been getting into the workplace lately, and even then, they have had options to fall back on. How many women do you know who have slept on the streets, or gone without food for a few days? I can tell you that I know a few, but only 1/10th of the number of men I know who've been through that. Those women are hard as nails. Nothing fazes them. These women are strong and independent, because they act that way, and never have to say it. These women have no time for petty trivialities, because they know that a 1000 such petty problems, are not as hard as one night on the streets. The men I know of, who've never been on the streets, who had to support a girlfriend, wife and/or family, without their parents' help, still know life is hard. So they "don't sweat the small stuff". The women who've had to support a family on their own, and struggle with it, also know life is hard. So they "don't sweat the small stuff" either. But men who have always had parents or a boyfriend or a husband or an ex, or family to fall back on, have always being living with a safety net. They don't realise now life is. So they have a problem with trivialities and aren't tolerant. Women who have had a safety net, also have a problem with trivialities.

If you can say that living on your own is easy, and money is easy to come by, then you are unlike most men and most women I know, because even my friends who earn a fair bit, and a nice house, and a nice life, worry about the bills every day, because they have to. They have to make sure they have the money to pay their bills, because if they don't, they're on the street, and the street is not a nice place to live.

If I had truly understood when I was young how much men will put up for good cooking and an occasional lay, I would be a virgin now. Don't like me? I don't have a problem with that. Just leave me alone. But don't mistake a combination of sexual infatuation and tolerance for love. Those two things, even combined, not only won't keep me around, they will disgust me to the point where I will ignore you if we ever see each other in public again. You will cease to exist as a human being.
If you understood how hard it is for people to put a roof over their head and food on the table, then you would have respected any man who managed that, and you probably wouldn't have worried about half the things you did. You are correct in that sexual infatuation and tolerance are not quite the same as love, but in the words of Carl Rogers, who was married for over 50 years, "find someone who can stand you". Why? Because someone who can stand you for 50 years, is rarer than 24-carat Gold, and to my mind, someone who finds you can tolerate you IS someone who can stand you. If 2 people are tolerant of each other, and if they are both sexually attracted to each other, it is not that hard for love to develop from that. But if 2 people are 100% in love, but they are tolerant of each other's mistakes, then in my experience, it will not be long before they cannot stand to be in the same room as each other, let alone stay in a marriage together for 50 years.

Love is the flower and tolerance is the soil. If tolerance is plentiful, love can grow. If there is no tolerance, the seed cannot become the flower.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 46
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Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/26/2007 9:44:13 AM

I wonder how much of that has to do with tolerance. He tolerates his wife's various faults, plus her "nagging and complaining", rather than paying attention to who she is and listening to her, because as long as he tolerates her and continues to get what he wants, life is good. It's only until what he wants is withdrawn that he even considers the possibility that there might be a problem, and naturally he has no idea what it is. She just upped and left "for no reason".
Onlyforumsonly, what do you call a man who tolerates his wife's various faults, because he loves her, and doesn't want to get anything out of it?
 LisaMarieNY
Joined: 10/30/2006
Msg: 47
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Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/26/2007 9:56:30 AM
One good reason why women initiate more breakups in the relationships because the guys take their time to "settle down". They think the women have the time in the world to wait for them but WE actually do not. Women in general, are more conscious about the time. (AKA as biological clock) Time is so precious!
 Adam 4 Coffee
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 48
Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/26/2007 10:14:09 AM
Women inituiatate breakups for being pissed off over stupid things like not remembering their work schedule. Most of the time I see a girl who won;t break up with an abusive guy and its awful. Especuially when she won;t listen to her friends. I think women initiate msot break ups is becuase men are easy to please and women are fickle and their neeeds and wants change mroe rapidly.
 caouna
Joined: 12/5/2005
Msg: 51
Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/26/2007 1:01:09 PM
Mr. Dynomite ~

I don't know how serious you were about the PMS comment, but oh boy, where there's smoke there's fire.

I'm convinced that some women don't give enough creedence to how those blasted hormones can wreak havoc on our lives. And we need to teach our men.
I'm age 48, I've observed my patterns for years, and have broken up with more than one wonderful guy with no other explanation other than the nasty PMS (in retrospect). These poor guys were pretty much left baffled. I know this is true, because I have actually talked to some of them months or years later. By then the damage is done. If only I would have waited two days in some situations....

Simply put, when I'm hormonal, 'issues' that can always be worked out (but please remember they are still very valid) seem to be 100 times worse and I must take care of them right now.

I am normally an easy going, upbeat person. During PMS, I get insecure and over-analyze the crap out of everything. I don't try to, in fact, I try hard NOT to.
The feeling of powerless just sucks.

Most my girlfriends (and even my teenage daughters) recognize this in themselves too. Those friends who are in long term marriages have wonderful husbands who have been willing to work with the reality of the situation. Basically, they are aware of the calendar, keep their mouths shut and give their wifes hugs & chocolate.

Of course, not every woman experiences PMS to this degree, or to much of ANY degree. And everyone has different symptoms.

So guys, please take note. It's very real, for some of us anyway. And gals, if you've never done so, I challenge you to take a look at your patterns. It can be very enlightening, and you might be surprised!
 critter235
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 53
Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/27/2007 8:26:33 AM
Menopause and perimenopause sometimes contribute to some very bizarre and bipolar like behavior and as a guy it leaves you bewildered and feeling really helpless when you see what's going on and are often the easy target for the terrible mood swings. Ever try and tell someone that's is acting crazy to settle down and quit acting crazy???? Now that's a crazy thing to do. And as much as you want to you can't really help someone until they want it and even then it has to be them that does it and for THEMSELVES. A lot has been said about tolerance and maybe it would be more appropriate to say "acceptance" and "commitment". And then maybe there is a fuzzy line between commitment and co-dependence but according to some reports over 8O% + that stick it out and stay the course and don't split are very happy 5 years later and over 8O% that do split are still unhappy 5 years later. It's tough but being happy is a personal choice. Funny thing ...deciding to not give up on someone though is the very thing that often pushes them away further because when one is running and the other is pursuing , it's hard to realize that chasing them only makes them run harder.......
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 55
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Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/28/2007 10:58:38 AM

Is he putting up with her various faults while internally seething, or thinking she's a lesser human being for having them , or thinking he's noble for being able to live with them? Or is he accepting them as part of the package while learning to work with or around them?

In the first case, I'd call him a parasite. In the second, well, I know men like that and have tremendous respect for them.
To my POV, not saying things solely for the purpose of getting what you want, is not tolerant to me at all, but rather manipulation. I know plenty of women who won't say something at the time, and then bring it up later on, as a weapon of humiliation and abuse. Therefore, the second form is the only form I would call tolerance. As you've made plain, you have only the highest regard for such men. So I can see that we really agree, but are talking from 2 different perspectives.

My concern is that I wrote that "what do you call a man who tolerates his wife's various faults, because he loves her, and doesn't want to get anything out of it?" and you answered that "Is he putting up with her various faults while internally seething, or thinking she's a lesser human being for having them , or thinking he's noble for being able to live with them? Or is he accepting them as part of the package while learning to work with or around them?" I never mentioned that he's internally seething, or that he thinks she's a less human being, or that he thinks he's noble, or that he has to learn to work with her faults, or that he has to learn to work aound her faults. I never mentioned any of those things. But your immdiate assumption is that he could be any of those.
Not too long ago, I felt that way about lots of people. I have only come out of a situation of domestic violence, not too long ago. At the time, I felt persecuted and that I could trust no-one. I also could not understand why women would avoid dating me. My friends would point that I was unfairly suspecting people all the time, and that I was pushing good people away. It took a lot of time, and a lot of introspection, that a lot of rejection that I received was because of my own suspicion, and that the only reason I wasfinding that only abusive people were interested in dating me, was because my fear and suspicion were pushing away good people, and making me too emotional to see when a person was likely to be abusive.
I have since recognised that the ONLY way for me to attract good people, and to spot and avoid bad people, is to let go of all of my latent hostility and my inner fears, because it is those feelings that are messing up my good judgement and made me unnecessarily hostile.
 HeartoGold50f
Joined: 11/28/2007
Msg: 56
Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/28/2007 11:21:34 AM
YES!!! ME TOO!!! I then accused him of "playing dumb"..........but maybe sometimes they ARE just hmmmmmmmmmmm...clueless even though we state it clearly in plain english!

That is why I hung in longer in my marriage than I should have...as I didn't think he understood. He understood fully, but just cared about his own happiness at times.

Our therapist said...HIS WAY WORKS...WHY SHOULD HE CHANGE? He has few needs, and that was another part of it. I was the emotional service station for our family :) No wonder I was drained at times. It isn't a good way to live! I, as a parent was really sensitive to my children and what they were feeling. He loves them still but couldn't show his feelings let alone ask about theirs. That might cause too much pain. Thats not the sign of a tough guy either. Its actually the opposite. REAL MEN FEEL...and they need to be respected, loved back too!!! I have met some really wonderful males since, online, and in person!

If a man OR woman wants to make a relationship work? He/or She will take a good hard look at his/her own behavior and modify it to improve a relationship! If there is no skin off their nose? They keep doing whatever if they are more self centered.

I just truly do feel that men/feelings are tough...some men have more of an effeminate, emotional side. Thats the kind of man I would appreciate more next time around! :) Even as a friend! Someone sensitive to my needs, as well as his own! :)
 naeco
Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 57
Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/28/2007 11:23:18 AM

Before you jump all over me. No I don't have any hard data other than talking to people I know.. Is it because guys will just settle with a bad relationship as it is easier than looking for something else.. It is comfortable?


Not necessarily. In my last relationship, we broke up a total of 4 times (I know, that's crazy, but anyway...). Three of the times were her choice, one was mine. The 3 times she broke up with me was during a fight, she flew off the handle, and decide on the spot she didn't want to be with me. The time I broke up with her, I sat and thought for a week about the fact that things weren't working out, and decided quite rationally to just end it.

So I can't speak for all women, but in my experience with this particular woman, she initiated several breakups with me due to being irrational, hot tempered, and wanting a quick and easy way out instead of working on things.
 HeartoGold50f
Joined: 11/28/2007
Msg: 60
Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/28/2007 11:34:53 AM
YOU speak with experience and WISDOM! Its so true what you said about abusive males (females too)

I just became certified as an Advocate in MN to work with Survivors of abuse...that will usually be with children, women and sometimes men.

Its really important to get out ASAP , the earlier the better when you experience or see what this good lady has. Its NOT about the relationship...its other things.
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 61
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Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/28/2007 12:09:52 PM
Judging by my mum, she had it enough of being a servant, housekeeper, cleaner and a "punchbag" for his neverending verbal alcohol-toxic abuse. She was so stuck in the rut that she emotionally needed help to actually keep head high and give herself freedom from the beast. I did not leave the country until she was free.

My case - there was a young child what needed a stable environment. Tumour in his brain gave him a "licence" for anything and everything. I did fully understand the saying: "What doesn't kill you ~ makes you stronger."

Life goes on ...
 Dracoa79
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 62
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Why do women initiate more Breakups ?
Posted: 12/28/2007 3:21:56 PM
I can't say one way or the other, all I know though is that I have never initiated a break up. It has always been the women. Maybe that says something about me, maybe it says something about the women I've been with, I don't know, but it's the truth. Just my experience.
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