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 Liquid Punch
Joined: 11/13/2007
Msg: 2
Why I quit asking women out in person...Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
The reason men fear approaching women is usually irrational and based on evolution and past bad experiences. Also, just because you approach women doesn't mean you are a place beneath them. It depends on how you do it. Waiting for someone to come along passively means you will have less options and control over your life.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 5
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Why I quit asking women out in person...
Posted: 11/17/2007 11:58:04 AM
I can understand your problem, OP. I've noticed something about dating: it seems to be a case of "use it or lose it". People who've been single a long time, find it hard to get dates. People who've been dating a long time, find it hard to stop dating. It seems to be an either/or situation. It also seems to be true of the serial daters, that they gather "friends" who they can date immediately after the end of their current relationship. This is true as much for men as for women.

So, it does seem as though both men & women are either serial daters, or single for a long-time. Take heart. My friends found someone. I am sure that you will.
 Liquid Punch
Joined: 11/13/2007
Msg: 6
Why I quit asking women out in person...
Posted: 11/17/2007 1:01:19 PM
During tribal times we lived in small groups, and men approaching women in the same tribe took a big risk in that if he got rejected, all the women in the same tribe would look at him as low value. Also, approaching women in other tribes meant risking physical harm. As our society developed in super speed, our emotional circuitry haven't adapted to this fully and we still have that fear. Nowadays, you can just about approach anyone and virtually no one else will care(it's better to approach strangers than try to date someone at work, school, or social circle: unless you're building a social circle around you). If it doesn't work out, you can move on to others. Look at the name of this forum: Plenty of Phish!!!

And just because statistics show that relationships end badly or whatever is not a rational reason for you to fear approaching women and doubt your own presence. You take control of your own life. Not statistics, not your past, or your fears. The thing is it doesn't have to be about who's after whom or who chooses whom.

You are putting way too much pressure on yourself. Have a long term goal to meet a long term relationship, but in the present, forget about that. Just meet as many people as you can without becoming dependt on where things will go and how it's supposed to end. Just enjoy the moment. Think, social interaction first, and then attraction. Unless, you do happen to come across a woman who's already attracted to you and happens to approach you; then go for it.

Don't look at it like you're doing work to build some type of a relationsihp right off the bat... That's partially the reason why you think approaching woman works against you and you feel like woman will take advantage of you. It's a give and take. Don't give too much from the start. You're thinking in binary here. You think you either don't approach woman or you chase after them. That's not how it works.
 Leeanne
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 7
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Why I quit asking women out in person...
Posted: 11/17/2007 4:04:59 PM
When ya fall off a bike - ya get back on!! When ya have bad experience in asking people out on a date - ya keep on going forward and leave the bad in the past! Why give up on pursuing what you ultimately want?
 Descartes22
Joined: 5/20/2005
Msg: 11
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Why I quit asking women out in person...
Posted: 11/20/2007 7:38:36 AM
If you want to ask someone out, ask them. Too many people worry about their fragile egos. Not every woman will like you. That's just a fact of life. The greatest homerun hitters in baseball strike out more than they hit homeruns. You are standing there hoping for a walk to get on base. Swing the bat. Good luck.
 7370park
Joined: 7/26/2009
Msg: 14
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Why I quit asking women out in person...
Posted: 7/30/2009 10:46:32 AM
Short and to the point! Good for you--I like it!
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 15
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Why I quit asking women out in person...
Posted: 7/31/2009 8:56:19 AM
Women who already have a boyfriend (or a husband) and see something they like in me better. I know three of that type. Tempted to get involved with one of them, and I'm flattered that they like me and they came onto me (all three are young, beautiful and extremely sexy), but...I JUST CAN'T TRUST THEM.

God forbid these women GO ALONE for awhile. They'd probably go nuts. They probably got plucked right out of high school by their SOs, when their SOs felt they could control them, and now they've had their fill of monogamous sex and control games, and they want out.

There IS more peace of mind, though, in a woman who comes onto YOU. You know she likes you, no wishy-washiness, and all you have to do is like her back. If only I could attract one who is single. But, if they're single, they probably don't see the need for a mate in general, or they're desperate. Either way, next one who comes onto me, if I like what I see and hear, I'll reciprocate.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 16
Why I quit asking women out in person...
Posted: 7/31/2009 2:26:05 PM
If you keep running into that, I think you're bringing yourself into those scenarios. All women are not taken or fake that they're not taken.

With that said, yes, when you run into a gal, she's going to have a guy "on the line". There are few attractive women on this planet that don't have an option A, B, and C in the background. Having options in the background does not mean they're boyfriend/girlfriend.

I would hope you don't see going out on a date or two meaning that you're dating them... or that you're a couple.

Many women will have an ex, or a not-quite-a-boyfriend in the picture somewhere... and if you don't peak her interest after a while, yes, she'll go to those options.

Don't obsess about it, though. It's part of the game. You can't expect to run into women who have ZERO men in their lives.

Now, when you are ACTUALLY exclusive, yes, they shouldn't have any other men in their lives. And some will to some lingering degree (just not-too-close friends as long as you're not going thru troubles for too long).

I would suggest looking for different TYPES of women. You're obviously hitting up the type of women who have boyfriends or psuedo-boyfriends, while you're someone who's now sensitive to them being anywhere near that. At the same time, take dating from a casual not-very-emotional point of view. Only put your heart into something AFTER things have been validated over time that she's not seeing anyone else. Don't fall for a girl from the first profile view or 3rd date! Come on! :)
 head.cloud123
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 17
Why I quit asking women out in person...
Posted: 9/12/2009 6:52:46 AM

You can't expect a waitress or a hair stylist to pay for half of the bill when you take her to the Ivy! They just don't have the money for that, and you invited them to go there! That doesn't make them gold diggers they are just poor! But he feels taken advantage and keeps score of everything.


Well of course that is right. No one is saying that. But why do most studies and observations show that the man pays even if the woman makes more?

Also why are those women poor? Maybe it is because most women don't feel they have to actually accomplish something in their life to get a man. They feel entitled to marry up. So the guy earns more, the woman spends more in all marriages.
 head.cloud123
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 18
Why I quit asking women out in person...
Posted: 9/12/2009 6:59:57 AM

Item 1: Attractive women are NEVER alone for more than maybe a few days.
If you are lucky enough to meet her within that very narrow window, AND you happen to be her type, you can be the 'next in line'.
There will constantly be at least a dozen or so guys 'orbiting' any and all attractive women, trying to catch her within that time frame, which is something that only happens to men if they are very rich ,very famous or maybe very powerful.


1. Attractive men are more in demand than attractive women are. Someone will say why don't we see that more often ? Simple. The number of attractive women > the number of attractive men. Attractive couples are more likely to have daughters.

2. Most women lose their physical attractiveness. Men age much nicer than women do.

3. Everyone believes in this mentality about attractive women. Everyone is afraid to approach her so no they do not always get this much attention.

4. Attractive women will rarely be interested in these men who are drooling over her.
 head.cloud123
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 19
Why I quit asking women out in person...
Posted: 9/12/2009 7:01:59 AM

With that said, yes, when you run into a gal, she's going to have a guy "on the line". There are few attractive women on this planet that don't have an option A, B, and C in the background. Having options in the background does not mean they're boyfriend/girlfriend.


Only sluts and whores do.
 totoman
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 20
Why I quit asking women out in person...
Posted: 9/13/2009 3:33:36 AM
I'd like to throw a new twist on this. I met a 42 year old gal via POF and we remain in contact. But it has become very obvious that she has a tremendous fear of being alone. Get this: She tells me she is separated from her husband and dating but then I soon discovered that just 2 weeks ago she ended up splitting up with her boyfriend-- the one she was having an affair with in her doomed marriage. When I told her I'm not in a rush and really not emotionally available at the moment, she immediately starts talking to me about the affair guy and how she has feelings for him -- after basically telling me what a jerk and liar he was/is. So she makes an attempt to reconcile with him and trying to convince me why her feelings for him are real... he turns her down.... and then she informs me the next day she slept with her ex-husband! Or wait. Make that her legal husband. So after Mr. Affair backed out and her plans fall through to go out to her cabin, she actually tells me two days later as she is driving out to the coast that she was strongly thinking about inviting me!

We're friends and I won't get involved with her sexually... but if I told her she was the one and I was going to buy the store (give her a commitment), she'd jump. After spending some time getting to know her... it is quite clear she has a great fear of being alone. She has confirmed this with me. In fact Mr. Affair told her that also... this according to her.

The fear of being alone and being considered a winner in the dating world is so strong for some people, it ruins their life with poor decision making. I suspect this is what is happening elsewhere.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 22
Why I quit asking women out in person...
Posted: 9/13/2009 12:56:25 PM
head.cloud,

There are few attractive women on this planet that don't have an option A, B, and C in the background.

Only sluts and whores do.

Whoah! Totally disagree with that one. There are very very few attractive women who are void of men in their lives. I'm not saying sleeping with -- I'm saying guys they keep in contact with in the pre-dating process, or in the sorta-dating process, etc. In other words, you will be walking in as an option A, B, or C, depending on where you squeeze in. And if you truly hit it off, then the other options will disappear from her radar. It's particularly very common with women who "go slow". They go slow so they can play the field better, as they want to avoid jumping into a wrong situation and at the same time not get tied into emotional problems when doing such shopping.
 head.cloud123
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 23
Why I quit asking women out in person...
Posted: 10/8/2009 8:32:07 AM
And there are attractive men without options? Really. Rich men or handsome men or men with game only have one options?

I've seen ugly guys have option A, B, C at times.

I am guessing you are referring to women who date multiple men while the guys only have one date. And yes they are sluts and whores.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 24
Why I quit asking women out in person...
Posted: 10/8/2009 5:07:51 PM
head.cloud123,

Only sluts and whores do [have options A,B, and C].

And there are attractive men without options? Really. Rich men or handsome men or men with game only have one options?

Almost all attractive single (or semi-single) PEOPLE have multiple options, yes. You called women whores for having multiple options, and I disagree. I don't think guys are players or male-sluts for having multiple options. It's just jealousy issue so people will throw out "slut" or "player" at will when they're jealous.

I am guessing you are referring to women who date multiple men while the guys only have one date. And yes they are sluts and whores.

Wow, your head's in the clouds. I'm not saying women who are TRULY datING multiple guys individually... but have them as OPTIONS. In other words, guys she's not a couple with or anything, but has been out on a date with, has a crush on, chasing, just got phone # of, waiting for the call of, etc.

Some women will be in the early phases of the dating process with each guy individually, too. I don't think that's wise, because her attention won't be there for each, and she'd spread herself too thin if that's going on. But even then, a slut? No. A tease? A better answer, and quite possibly, yes.

A slut is someone who sleeps with just about anyone with little time in between each different person. It has nothing to do with leading guys on, teasing them, or juggling options.
 head.cloud123
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 25
Why I quit asking women out in person...
Posted: 10/9/2009 12:11:41 AM
You're describing a behvaior of men and women.

Not just women.

And a woman who dates multiple men which is what being in the early process with each guys is despicable.

i don't see men doing that as often as women.

and women who don't do this will always beat these women out when it comes to dating.
 StevieCashmere
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 27
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Why I quit asking women out in person...
Posted: 10/10/2009 4:10:15 AM
Trying meeting a online friend & go form there- cold asking or being asked is relies on looks, not personality
~sc~
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