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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??      Home login  
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 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 4
Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

excuse me discofied I do not see one place where the op is egotistical


I thought the same thing *funnygirl*. I didn't see that in her original post either.
 Black velvet 46
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 5
Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 6:48:05 PM
Funnygirl are you going to answer the Ops question ????? What exactly is your contribution to this threads besides worrying about how others are answering the Ops question?.

Funny thing about these forums, when you ask others for their opinions, you might actually hear somethings that might offend or even hurt you. But that's the chances we take when sticking our necks out and writing these threads.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 6
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 6:48:43 PM
I can only assume, that this never happens to you, with the guys you "normally" date, and they always treat you with respect. That being said, please tell all the women on POF what your secret is. 'Cause they don't date such men either, and they have that happen to them all the time.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 7
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 6:52:18 PM
Thanks to all that have responded, those that think I have a big ego and those who see where I am coming from.

I could see if he thought he made a mistake if we only went out a few times but in reality we've seen each other at least 30+ times and only twice when we were "dating". Neither of us acted differently aside from him kissing me.

It's just too bad because I did like him. I know he'll end up contacting me and I'm not sure how I will respond. Perhaps that's why I am pissed: because a friendship fell apart.
 Black velvet 46
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 8
Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 6:57:39 PM
" I love that you stooped so low as to give this guy a chance at your lofty ass and he blew you off. I 'm guessing, but you seem like the sort of woman who is usually the one who tosses the guy to the curb rather than the other way round"

You my friend has hit the nail right smack on the head.... The Ops ego is now bruised because she gave this person that was beneath her a chance to date her magnificent self, and he would have the nerve to kick her butt to the curb without so much as a phone call. I wonder if the Op can find any hats that fit that huge head of hers????
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 9
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 6:59:33 PM
I'm glad people have responded the way they have. I never felt like I was "doing him a favor" by dating him but I can see where one might think that. Yes, part of my ego is bruised because I did feel I was a bit good for him (more so in the beginning) and I got the brush off. Now I am hurt because I miss his friendship. I was ALWAYS honest with him, as I have been in these forums. Some people can't handle the truth.

These forums are always preaching "give the nice guy a chance - date someone you normally wouldn't - don't be shallow and judge someone on looks"

So I followed that advice and figured I would give someone different a chance and suddenly I'm the devil. Funny because in all these threads people are so RAH RAH about giving people chances.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 10
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:02:41 PM
You had a "firendly" relationship with him, he wanted different. When people who've been friends try out the dating/romance and it doesn't work out, it can be awkward.

You "tried out" something new and it didn't work. He may have felt an awkwardness and just didn't talk about it.

I'd give it time, sounds like you guys had a lot of fun hanging out, so maybe in time, he'll get past the awkwardness and you can hang out again.

Some people are best friends, childhood friends, get married it doesn't work and they can go back to being friends. Sometimes once you move past friends into dating going back to friends doesn't work.

Time will tell.

I think you're drawing some heat because you phrased it gave HIM a chance. On the surface that does sound more like doing him a favor, IMO. It's you gave IT a chance, it being a different relationship than the one you had before.

One word can change meaning.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 11
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:03:55 PM
Thank you for pointing that out Discofied: maybe he didn't really care about the friendship, he just wanted the chase. Very very good point to ponder. I was so sure he liked being my friend but maybe he was really just chasing me and didn't value the friendship like I did.
 TitusBreast
Joined: 3/18/2007
Msg: 12
Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:06:45 PM
Oh, he's an immature d0rk, and at his age, he should face the music. I guess if there's a guy you'd absolutely never consider a candidate to get in your britches because he's not that fine to you despite his "niceness", just don't go out with him. He'll read into it like the immature d0rk, and play that stupid little b0y d1ck game and just keep on being a d0rk. You just can't be nice to some of these delicate egos without them turning it into an invitation for a nightcap that never existed in the first place. Good luck! Love, Titus
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 13
Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:11:46 PM
^^^T, I think that was exactly it. He was ultimately interested in dating you, and became your friend as a bridge to that, while you saw him honestly as a friend without any ulterior motive. When you agreed to date, he saw it as not possible for whatever reason...and the rest didn't matter.

I think you dodged a bullet, I truly think you are a great person and I think if he wasn't interested it was either because he knew he wasn't worthy, or because he's an idiot. You deserve an explanation at least, it's disrespectful if he doesn't seek you out and clear things up.

But now you're free to meet someone better...so he did you a favor.

Head up, T! You'll thank him for this one day, I guarantee it.
 amazon60
Joined: 10/13/2007
Msg: 14
Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:14:56 PM
Why did you change your mind about dating him? If i am asking this question after reading you post I wonder what he may be wondering. What miraculously changed to make him soo desirable? Next time be clear on boundaries, make sure they are clear and defined and don't go changing them..good luck
 Black velvet 46
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 15
Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:20:10 PM
" i think you're a great person and I think if he wasn't interested it was either because he knew he wasn't worthy, or because he's an idiot"


Where do you people get these egos from?, because i am reading these profiles and looking at these pictures and i am just not seeing it.

"KNEW HE WASN'T WORTHY"

WTF worthy of what ? dating the Op ? Are you kidding me here? What's so special about the Op or any woman for that matter that would make a man not worthy to date them? "Not worthy" nah there is no ego issues going on there at all.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 16
Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 7:29:49 PM

Where do you people get these egos from?, because i am reading these profiles and looking at these pictures and i am just not seeing it.

Ugh, relax - it's not about ego. Unlike a LOT of men around here, I am not keeping score on genders, I look at things case by case. In this case the OP is female. Has nothing to do with all that taking sides crap. I actually like men, so nice try with thinking you discovered something.

"KNEW HE WASN'T WORTHY"

WTF worthy of what ? dating the Op ? Are you kidding me here? What's so special about the Op or any woman for that matter that would make a man not worthy to date them? "Not worthy" nah there is no ego issues going on there at all.

IME, ANYONE who does a 180 and doesn't explain why if they have been friends with you and wanting to date you for a long period of time, they're not worth dating. Period. It's a personality thing, tells you a lot about how they'd have handled other stuff.

Maybe he'll come clean about it and explain what the deal was, but if he doesn't - it's a sign that she would have wasted her time on him. Real simple.
 Black velvet 46
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 17
Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:23:22 PM
" I hate to burst your righious bubbles, in case you didn.t know everyone has an ego lol.. Oh dear did i shock anyone?"

Never has someone with so little to be proud of, been so proud of the little she had.

 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 18
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:26:55 PM

but maybe he was really just chasing me and didn't value the friendship like I did.

Metalvixxn, I don't think it was just the chase for him... giving you the ring says it was MUCH more than that to him. My guess, and it is just a guess, but the return of the ring was viewed as a rejection. Especially as you declined to have it sized... that was very clearly saying "nope, don't think I want to go there with YOU".

I imagine he felt extremely foolish and hurt. I would be in that situation. If that had happened to me I'd back waaay off and create a pocket of space and see what happened, if anything. See if the other person stepped into the space. Not out of gameplaying either, but just as a reality check of how often do you put yourself out there and get rejected before you tell yourself to "wake up, back off a bit and see if there is any genuine interest coming from the other side that isn't being generated by me."
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 19
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:31:56 PM
Uglybetty I always wished you lived closer so we could hang out!!! I know we'd have a blast. And now I have met FunnyGirl and wish the same! This thread was good for one thing at least, I've made some cool girlfriends =)

I have considered the giving back the ring as the downfall but he said himself we could take it slow and that wasn't taking it slow. We continued to have a great time after that and did continue communication before he blew me off.

As to why I changed my mind about dating him: Sometimes people can "grow" on you or you start to see things you didn't see in the beginning. We always had a good time and I thought we genuinely cared for each other so why not see where it could go?

Since I have posted this thread he has texted me with "happy monday" which I always texted him on mondays. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe he doesn't realize he's been a "d0rk".
I think it's all pretty lame.
 Black velvet 46
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 20
Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 8:37:30 PM
"Yes,part of my ego is bruised because i did feel i was a bit good for him and i got the brush off "

Yes Op HE is the one that was a bit of a"dork" , You want to see the person that's being the "dork" in this situation i don't think you need to look any further that the person in the mirror.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 21
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 9:45:15 PM

Yes, part of my ego is bruised because I did feel I was a bit good for him (more so in the beginning) and I got the brush off.
The problem is that you have youth, looks and sex on your side. If relationships are about love, love transcends all of those boundaries, as old, ugly men can have just as much of a loving heart as you do. So, what makes you "a bit good for him"? Tell me because you help old men across the street, and I can see why you are too good for him, as your heart will be more loving. Tell me because you are 29, and he is 42, and I might think it's about looks. No-one says the unattractive girls are all single and the very attractive women are all in really happy LTRs. More very attractive women complain of being used and abused than anyone else.

Now I am hurt because I miss his friendship. I was ALWAYS honest with him, as I have been in these forums. Some people can't handle the truth.
Now we know what the truth is, we all can. But just because he blew you off for a date, you'll blow off the friendship? I thought you were only giving him a chance at dating you. Sounds like your romantic feelings were hurt. Not your platonic friendship feelings.

These forums are always preaching "give the nice guy a chance - date someone you normally wouldn't - don't be shallow and judge someone on looks"
I don't think you understand what the forums are preaching. All they are saying is "DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER". It's common sense. No-one is suggesting that you sleep with someone you don't find attractive. Just get to know the guy.

They are preaching to put your libido out the window, get to know the guy, and then, if he's a great guy you get on with AND are attracted to, sleep with him. If you cannot get sex & romance completely out of your head, then take Prozac, until you can be platonic friends with a naked Brad Pitt. If you cannot do that, with an attractive man, you are liable to imagining what he looks like naked before the end of the date, and your brain goes out with window, along with any red flags.
If you start thinking about sex & romance with a man you don't immediately find attractive, then you'll imagine him naked, as a picture of the Elephant Man, and your brain will go out the window again. You'll never get to know that he's your dream man, or that he just spent six months in traction, but in six weeks will have the 8-pack back, that he had for most of his life. You'll never see the good.

So I followed that advice and figured I would give someone different a chance and suddenly I'm the devil. Funny because in all these threads people are so RAH RAH about giving people chances.
Your attitude was deliciously devilish. I have known of many men who would happily take advantage of a woman who talks like yourself. In a few lines, you implied:
1) That punctuality was a big selling-point
2) That age was a big selling-point
3) That a "date" meant more than getting to know a guy
4) That you react quite quickly and emotionally to romance
5) That you feel like you give men "chances", which are times when you make yourself vulnerable to men
I can go on. But many men who understand social manipulation know just what to do with such signals.
These are externals, and do not lead to a relationship by themselves. You need more to love a man than that. I think you are capable of far more than you portray. Why let me down?
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 22
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:03:08 PM
Scorpiomover I appreciate you taking the time to reply, but I gotta say you're a bit off. Well, actually way off but think what you'd like.
I do think its funny that you said the problem is I have youth looks and sex on my side.

Just to be clear, this relationship had nothing to do with sex. We never slept together and hadn't even discussed it.
I'm not going to paint a picture of why I felt I was too good for him. I don't want to air his dirty laundry or paint him in anymore of a negative light.

1. punctuality is a big selling point; whats wrong with that?
2. age didnt matter; i simply stated his age because he wasn't acting it.
3. i dont see how a date meant more than getting to know someone. he wanted to call what we were doing dating from that point on and i agreed. it wasnt like "we're dating now so take off your clothes"
4. i react quickly and emotionally to everything =)
5. when i take a chance on someone i become vulnerable, yes. isnt that what taking a risk does? makes you vulnerable?

thats enough for now. i have enjoyed this thread immensely. i'll be sure to update =)
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 23
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:57:07 PM
^^^ I was commenting on why posters were attacking you. Also, on how your statements could be left open to vulnerable exposure. I am quite willing to admit it if I'm wrong. At this point, I don't know. But I'll always consider it.

To be honest, I was a little taken aback. Maybe with a bit more info, I would have called him a doofus. But I like to give people a chance to explain their actions.

You're a cutie, smart, happy (you smile, always a good thing), and more besides. If I was talking to him, I would have told him that he should send flowers, apologise profusely, and hope that he could make it up to you, and if he didn't, he just wasted a great chance at a great relationship with a wonderful woman.

I know I didn't say all that. But you surely know it for yourself. If you were ever unsure, have no need of ever doubting yourself again. No-one else will.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 24
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 11:27:07 PM
" didn't give him a hard time or even bring up the blow off.
Now I am SUPER irritated because I haven't heard from him since. "

Ever heard of the saying "ignoring the elephant in the living room"? Neither of you addressed the fact that he blew you off. I can't climb inside his head, so I have no idea why he did an about face. I can't climb inside yours either. But, I am curious, is there any chance that your irritated cause you didn't realize that the Friday call was your one chance to chastise him for blowing you off and you missed your chance ... one thing to miss 1 blow off but to feel like you were nice about it and then promptly get dumped without a chance to vent can leave a person with a choke full of stuffed vent that feels irritating.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 25
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/20/2007 7:09:25 AM
Thanks Scorpiomover, that was sweet!

I'm not pissed because I didn't get the chance to vent. Even thought he hasn't called me I could always call him and b*tch, but I'm not like that. I like to give myself some time so I don't fly off the handle and regret my actions.

He has been having some issues... there's a chance those issues came back up. But the thing is, we talked about it and he promised me he wouldn't push me away because of said issues. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't.

And the ring thing- for real, he gave it to me too soon. It was the day after we decided to take it slow and see what happens. His mom gave him the ring and to have it sized to fit me just seemed a bit ridiculous so soon in. We talked about it. It's not like I said "NO!" and threw it at him.
Oh well.

Have a good one everyone!
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 26
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/20/2007 4:35:58 PM
I think I'll call him tomorrow and see what's up. I'd call him now but I think he has class tonight. Plus I'll have time to sleep on it.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 27
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/20/2007 4:41:38 PM
OP, I've had many friends who started "dating" and then if it doesn't work out, usually one or the other "disappears". What I mean is just avoids all their other friends just because of embarrassment or whatever.

Given time, they come around and sometimes they can still be friends, sometimes not. If he was embarrassed, then it's compounded by him avoiding you. Making him that much more embarrassed and a tad guilty. He may also wonder if you'd be ticked.

If you approach it with a casual attitude, it happened...and just want to restore the friendship, and don't try to confront him about his (probably embarrassing) behavior, then there's a good chance he'd be open to it. Some people are just better off being friends.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 28
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/21/2007 4:08:45 PM
I ended up calling him last night and left a message. He hasn't returned my call!
Tonight might get sticky- Our friends have had plans for a while to meet up for black wednesday and I'm not going to NOT go because of him. Hopefully he'll head downtown with his other buddies and I won't bump into him. If I do - I'll be cordial- of course =)~
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