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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??      Home login  
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 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 21
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

Yes, part of my ego is bruised because I did feel I was a bit good for him (more so in the beginning) and I got the brush off.
The problem is that you have youth, looks and sex on your side. If relationships are about love, love transcends all of those boundaries, as old, ugly men can have just as much of a loving heart as you do. So, what makes you "a bit good for him"? Tell me because you help old men across the street, and I can see why you are too good for him, as your heart will be more loving. Tell me because you are 29, and he is 42, and I might think it's about looks. No-one says the unattractive girls are all single and the very attractive women are all in really happy LTRs. More very attractive women complain of being used and abused than anyone else.

Now I am hurt because I miss his friendship. I was ALWAYS honest with him, as I have been in these forums. Some people can't handle the truth.
Now we know what the truth is, we all can. But just because he blew you off for a date, you'll blow off the friendship? I thought you were only giving him a chance at dating you. Sounds like your romantic feelings were hurt. Not your platonic friendship feelings.

These forums are always preaching "give the nice guy a chance - date someone you normally wouldn't - don't be shallow and judge someone on looks"
I don't think you understand what the forums are preaching. All they are saying is "DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER". It's common sense. No-one is suggesting that you sleep with someone you don't find attractive. Just get to know the guy.

They are preaching to put your libido out the window, get to know the guy, and then, if he's a great guy you get on with AND are attracted to, sleep with him. If you cannot get sex & romance completely out of your head, then take Prozac, until you can be platonic friends with a naked Brad Pitt. If you cannot do that, with an attractive man, you are liable to imagining what he looks like naked before the end of the date, and your brain goes out with window, along with any red flags.
If you start thinking about sex & romance with a man you don't immediately find attractive, then you'll imagine him naked, as a picture of the Elephant Man, and your brain will go out the window again. You'll never get to know that he's your dream man, or that he just spent six months in traction, but in six weeks will have the 8-pack back, that he had for most of his life. You'll never see the good.

So I followed that advice and figured I would give someone different a chance and suddenly I'm the devil. Funny because in all these threads people are so RAH RAH about giving people chances.
Your attitude was deliciously devilish. I have known of many men who would happily take advantage of a woman who talks like yourself. In a few lines, you implied:
1) That punctuality was a big selling-point
2) That age was a big selling-point
3) That a "date" meant more than getting to know a guy
4) That you react quite quickly and emotionally to romance
5) That you feel like you give men "chances", which are times when you make yourself vulnerable to men
I can go on. But many men who understand social manipulation know just what to do with such signals.
These are externals, and do not lead to a relationship by themselves. You need more to love a man than that. I think you are capable of far more than you portray. Why let me down?
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 22
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:03:08 PM
Scorpiomover I appreciate you taking the time to reply, but I gotta say you're a bit off. Well, actually way off but think what you'd like.
I do think its funny that you said the problem is I have youth looks and sex on my side.

Just to be clear, this relationship had nothing to do with sex. We never slept together and hadn't even discussed it.
I'm not going to paint a picture of why I felt I was too good for him. I don't want to air his dirty laundry or paint him in anymore of a negative light.

1. punctuality is a big selling point; whats wrong with that?
2. age didnt matter; i simply stated his age because he wasn't acting it.
3. i dont see how a date meant more than getting to know someone. he wanted to call what we were doing dating from that point on and i agreed. it wasnt like "we're dating now so take off your clothes"
4. i react quickly and emotionally to everything =)
5. when i take a chance on someone i become vulnerable, yes. isnt that what taking a risk does? makes you vulnerable?

thats enough for now. i have enjoyed this thread immensely. i'll be sure to update =)
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 23
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 10:57:07 PM
^^^ I was commenting on why posters were attacking you. Also, on how your statements could be left open to vulnerable exposure. I am quite willing to admit it if I'm wrong. At this point, I don't know. But I'll always consider it.

To be honest, I was a little taken aback. Maybe with a bit more info, I would have called him a doofus. But I like to give people a chance to explain their actions.

You're a cutie, smart, happy (you smile, always a good thing), and more besides. If I was talking to him, I would have told him that he should send flowers, apologise profusely, and hope that he could make it up to you, and if he didn't, he just wasted a great chance at a great relationship with a wonderful woman.

I know I didn't say all that. But you surely know it for yourself. If you were ever unsure, have no need of ever doubting yourself again. No-one else will.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 24
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/19/2007 11:27:07 PM
" didn't give him a hard time or even bring up the blow off.
Now I am SUPER irritated because I haven't heard from him since. "

Ever heard of the saying "ignoring the elephant in the living room"? Neither of you addressed the fact that he blew you off. I can't climb inside his head, so I have no idea why he did an about face. I can't climb inside yours either. But, I am curious, is there any chance that your irritated cause you didn't realize that the Friday call was your one chance to chastise him for blowing you off and you missed your chance ... one thing to miss 1 blow off but to feel like you were nice about it and then promptly get dumped without a chance to vent can leave a person with a choke full of stuffed vent that feels irritating.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 25
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/20/2007 7:09:25 AM
Thanks Scorpiomover, that was sweet!

I'm not pissed because I didn't get the chance to vent. Even thought he hasn't called me I could always call him and b*tch, but I'm not like that. I like to give myself some time so I don't fly off the handle and regret my actions.

He has been having some issues... there's a chance those issues came back up. But the thing is, we talked about it and he promised me he wouldn't push me away because of said issues. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't.

And the ring thing- for real, he gave it to me too soon. It was the day after we decided to take it slow and see what happens. His mom gave him the ring and to have it sized to fit me just seemed a bit ridiculous so soon in. We talked about it. It's not like I said "NO!" and threw it at him.
Oh well.

Have a good one everyone!
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 26
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/20/2007 4:35:58 PM
I think I'll call him tomorrow and see what's up. I'd call him now but I think he has class tonight. Plus I'll have time to sleep on it.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 27
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/20/2007 4:41:38 PM
OP, I've had many friends who started "dating" and then if it doesn't work out, usually one or the other "disappears". What I mean is just avoids all their other friends just because of embarrassment or whatever.

Given time, they come around and sometimes they can still be friends, sometimes not. If he was embarrassed, then it's compounded by him avoiding you. Making him that much more embarrassed and a tad guilty. He may also wonder if you'd be ticked.

If you approach it with a casual attitude, it happened...and just want to restore the friendship, and don't try to confront him about his (probably embarrassing) behavior, then there's a good chance he'd be open to it. Some people are just better off being friends.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 28
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Is this what happens when you give someone a chance??
Posted: 11/21/2007 4:08:45 PM
I ended up calling him last night and left a message. He hasn't returned my call!
Tonight might get sticky- Our friends have had plans for a while to meet up for black wednesday and I'm not going to NOT go because of him. Hopefully he'll head downtown with his other buddies and I won't bump into him. If I do - I'll be cordial- of course =)~
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