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Joined: 12/31/2006
Msg: 3
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
The general gist of what you say I agree with. One of the biggest differences I see is that for the most part the internet is one dimensional. You could meet someone at work or somewhere else where you would see them on a regular basis. You might not even be physically attracted to them but over time that may change entirely. It has happened to me. You see that person with all of their dimensions living life. But on the internet if you do not see something that compels you to email or answer that person or get to know them you will simply pass them by.
 word nurd
Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 6
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 10:49:29 AM
While there are obvious drawbacks and limitations to "meeting" someone online, there are also advantages. It is entirely possible to get to know someone fairly well via words alone, or at least get a decent "feel" of what that person is like. This allows us to efficiently "weed out" people with whom we're not compatible. To me, that doesn't seem "backwards" at all.

Not to mention the fact that the internet can introduce us to people we'd never otherwise meet face-to-face, due to distance, etc.
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 11
view profile
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 11:14:53 AM
How about the soldiers overseas years ago that had pen pals, fell in love and got married on returning home?

Some really beautiful stories, married decades and yet only got to know each other through writing letters. How far back I wouldn't be sure but certainly 40 or more years.

Technology certainly does change our lives, makes the world smaller. But just because there are more common ways that people meet up doesn't mean it's the standard and anything else is backwards.
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 20
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 4:12:48 PM

The way i see it, internet dating was not meant to happen. It wouldn't have exsisted without the net first... and the net was not specifically designed for dating.

What kind of circular reasoning is that?

Let's see: I don't think that chocolate was meant to be eaten because the Europeans didn't discover America to find chocolate.

I don't think that we should use penicillin as an antibiotic because Fleming didn't intend to become a doctor and wasn't experimenting to find penicillin.

People with hair loss shouldn't use rogaine because it was intended to be a drug for high blood pressure.

After that first statement, I had a hard time keeping myself from laughing as I read the rest of the post or taking the logic of the OP seriously. As for:

Internet dating did happen, but it goes against the natural human way of making eye contact across the room, smiling, mustering up the confidence of approaching them and striking up a convo... in person..

I hate to tell you, dude, but choosing one's partner is a relatively new occurrence. For centuries, most marriages were arranged. In some cases, the bride and groom didn't meet prior to the wedding. In some cultures--India and the mid-east--young people still don't choose their partners, their parents do.

If you don't do internet dating, why are you on a dating site? For the forums? How did you know they exist?
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 31
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/22/2007 8:26:34 PM
By you:
I've met one women off the net who i chatted with for 4 months and we always joked around online all the time... but when we actually met up, she was really shy.... i later (much later.. after we were exclusive) asked why and she said "I didn't expect you to look as good as in the pics.. i just got self concious and froze up wondering if i still even had a chance or not and i didn't want to look stupid"

So, you don't DATE women you meet online, you just . . . meet them?

My post was silly and irrelevant? Why? Because it pointed out the logical fallacy of your first statement? It sounded as if you would ban internet dating because that's NOT the reason why the internet was created.

I can see the scene now, a bunch of guys sitting around, creating the internet. One said, "You know, it WILL NOT BE for dating."

Another agrees, "No, heaven forbid!"

Unfortunately, they forgot to put it in the contract.

It doesn't matter if you are not in India or the mid-east; you rhapsodized about the "natural" way to meet people. I merely pointed out that meeting people face to face in order to pursue the dating/marriage game has not always been considered the "natural" way to play the game, even here in the U.S. If you have used an adjective besides "natural" to describe the dating scenario, that would have been different.

In addition, you contradict yourself.
We are in the year 2007. The centuries before us don't apply to right now on this date of Nov 2007. Why are you choosing to live in the past? You know thats dangerous, right?

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but this is 2007, and one of the "natural" and most modern ways to meet people is online. We are not bound by what happened ten, or even five, years ago. Times change, dude, get with the program, don't live in the past.

As for reading into your post, you used circular reasoning. That's not pulling rabbits out of hats, it is pointing out your lack of logic.

By the way, honey, you have spelled "exist" incorrectly in at least two of your posts.

just believe that.

You ask me to just believe "that"? How many women fall for that? What are YOU smoking???
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 34
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/23/2007 8:46:34 AM
when we've chatted on line, i think we have expectations about a person when we meet them physically for the first time, based on things we've shared in conversations etc. .. whereas when meeting someone IRL there are no expectations (unless those depending on our initial summing up of their outward appearance..)

also, when meeting "in real life", we can immediately tell if there's that chemical spark between us and if there is, then we want to get to know them better... whereas the reverse is true on the internet - we get to know them and then want to know if we'd *click*..

i think meeting someone from the internet can get rid of some of the embarrassment or awkwardness of a first meeting.. i was a member of a single parents group for a few years and after a couple of years i went to a big gtg in niagara falls for the weekend.. it was wonderful, we knew eachother so well, it was like spending time with friends we'd known for ages.. which is what we were doing... the only thing strange about it was that suddenly "the pictures" were moving, ... of course, it helped that we'd all been honest about who we were for the most part..

i think one of the biggest emotional dangers of internet dating, is that we see the other person both as they want us to see them.. but also, how we want to see them.. we can read into their words meanings they don't have.. we can choose to ignore red flags or invest the other person with qualities they don't really have except in our own fantasies and needs..
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 40
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/23/2007 6:28:29 PM

I see alot of negativity towards Internet dating and maybe deservedly so.

The Internet doesn't deserve any of the blame. The people who use it do. More specifically... the people who (and I use the term loosely)... abuse it. "Abuse" it by lying, being mean, harassing... all that bad stuff we see so many complaint topics on.

I realize abuse is a harsh word, I really don't mean to over dramatize my point I just couldn't think of a better term for my point.

But it's more instant. Less time is wasted right from the start.

Honestly, I'd bet that if you tallied up hours spent dating multiple online folks in one time frame and then tallied up the time spent meeting randomly in person at events (I mean how many events do you attend in say.. one month?), in the same time frame it'd come out quite even.

I've been thru the whole thing where after meeting her, she folded her arms and said "ok... impress me!" It's happened too many times. The pressure is there for sure.

Did you impress her with a magic trick? Disappearing? I sure hope so.

I think a lot of cases, people are just more comfortable behind their computers and when they have to meet someone they don't know, they tone themselves down a LOT so they don't see too****/flirty/bold etc.

For me.. I come on guns-a-blazing (by GUNS I mean conversation, opinions, thoughts.. deep thoughts) and figure if I'm as much myself online as I am offline... at least the poor guy knows what he'll be in for. Let the chips fall where they may.

It's those devil lamps, those "electric lights" that have syncopated our circadian rhythms and drawn our young people like tumescent moths to the flesh pits the godless and farmless call "cities."

I think I love you. I'm not positive, but I think perhaps I do.
Joined: 10/19/2007
Msg: 43
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/23/2007 9:10:56 PM
Backwards? In a negative sense? Dyno, how did you determine “traditional” dating without the ‘net was forward? To me, we’re discussing a double-edged sword. Hard to say which side cuts the best.

Obviously there are distinct differences, advantages and disadvantages to both. Part of it depends on the individual, what works best for them. Those naturally gregarious probably have better ‘luck’ meeting people face to face, …however, wherever, whenever… they turn on the charm and they’re in. The Internet may be an awkward and frustrating resource for that personality type, where they have to put into written word how they are in person.

Others more naturally demure may find Internet introduction more suitable to their personality. They can take their time and first think about what they want to say (write) to ensure they come across as intended. Their difficulty comes when meeting initially face to face, say in the grocery store checkout line or at a cookout. They’re shy, coy, and not able to show their ‘true’ self until they feel comfortable with the person. In any social situation, be it the ‘net or IRL, I think most will find one works better for them than the other.

when meeting "in real life", we can immediately tell if there's that chemical spark between us and if there is, then we want to get to know them better... whereas the reverse is true on the internet - we get to know them and then want to know if we'd *click*..

With each of these, disappointment is a possibility. But which is better from a level-of-disappointment standpoint? Would you rather meet someone IRL, have mutual sparks fly, spend a couple of hours on a date and find out there’s no real substance? Worse yet, continue the involvement based on the ‘spark’ and get in deep, only to have it end because there is no common ground to hold it together?

Or, would you rather spend many more hours searching through profiles for someone that meets your specified search criteria, exchange emails, IM’s, phone calls, etc., establish there’s loads of common ground, build up the first meeting in your mind as ‘THIS is IT!’ only to meet them for the first date and find the flame burns about as well as a wet newspaper?

Either way, the possibilities are there and the risks are there, and IMO neither one offers a better method, whether moving backwards or forwards on the road of life or cyber highway.
Joined: 7/26/2006
Msg: 46
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/23/2007 11:14:56 PM
I personally don't feel that internet dating is "backwards".....I just consider it as further evidence of the progress that I have been exposed to in my dating life.
I first set down to a computer at age 40. Now I do my work on a computer and transmit it all over the county, I find friends/dates online, I never look at a phone book any more, encyclopedias are just wasting space on the shelf, I do my shopping on-line......and on and on. I feel like I've just followed the pack.
Online dating has worked well for me. 2 five year relationships, friends around the world.
The things I like about it.....first the exposure to people I would otherwise never meet.
Yes around the world...but more realistic 1-2 hours away...instead of the same group of guys I've been seeing on barstools since I was 21.
The main thing I that everyone has to can't be one sided conversation.
Mr. Dynomite, you and a few others open up and say what you feel. That is a rare thing..a lot of men just can't be that open or honest. At least with chatting on line..both people have to participate.
I also know that if a person has a hard time stringing a sentence, he is not going to be able to entertain me mentally.....and to go further would be a waste of our time.
I've found myself, feeling as if I knew everything about my date except how he took his coffee......or if like me....he didn't drink coffee.
Maybe there are aspects of internet dating that are backwards......but I think it is here to stay. I don't think anyone should ever put all their eggs in one basket....but the net is a good option for starters.
Joined: 10/19/2007
Msg: 47
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/23/2007 11:17:20 PM

I'm strongly considering giving this up

Jaymore: I don't want to stray too far off topic here, but haven't you only been trying this for a "couple of months"? Consider a minimum 6 months before throwing in the towel. You've got a well-written profile, try to give it some time.
 Sinbad Phil
Joined: 10/12/2007
Msg: 49
view profile
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/24/2007 1:13:07 PM
Maybe not "backward" or "negative", simply another way to the same goal? We have heard about meeting at church and being chaperoned there until approval is gained. How does that compare with one of the supposed "forwards" methods; a drunken meeting and asking names in the morning? Surely that is really "backwards"? I lead an unconventional life and find POF a brilliant way to be able to one day meet people that would never cross my path otherwise. That is the best part for me. Putting up with the harder parts of internet dating just goes with the chosen communication medium.

My first forum post! Hello!
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 50
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/24/2007 1:34:45 PM

Yes, I know -- of course it's shallow to actually want to be attracted to the person you'd like to spend your life with.

That gets me. I don't understand at all why that's the consensus around here. As if we don't require attraction. It's ridiculous to think that we should all just get to know people we're not attracted to. Given that everyone has different tastes on this planet, I think every base eventually gets covered looks-wise.

I'm not sure my life truly benefits from the influx of bitterness I see around here.

Do what I do and call them on it. May not do much, but you'll feel better about the whole thing.

It's not that I'm not getting attention or hits or whatever.

For me it's WHAT I'm getting. There's rarely any gems that message me (I don't get a lot of messages anyway, thankfully). And I've been here awhile.. both for just the forums and looking for dates.

This site (and those like it) and this thread all points to the same thing for me. There is no PROPER way to find a mate. There's many many many flawed BUT functional ways and I guess we all just have to figure out which method works the best for us.
Joined: 6/17/2006
Msg: 57
view profile
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/25/2007 5:03:06 PM
I agree with an earlier post, that it is an "opportunity" to meet others. I work in an office with the same 100 women and 4 married men. I don't have a lot of "opportunity" to meet others, since I am surfing on here a lot, why not chat and post as well......
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 59
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/25/2007 6:08:32 PM
Of course it's bassackward and I wouldn't go so far as to call it "efficient",either. If we used the pure logic of choosing a relationship partner based solely on mutual interests, compatible life philosophies, similar values, a well turned written phrase, and threw "chemistry" "mutual attraction" "spark"...whatever! out the window,it would work just fine. But we haven't evolved ( or maybe DEvolved is the right word) that far yer.
And I too have to point out the the forerunners of internet dating..."pen pals" to soldiers during the World Wars, the "lonely hearts" or "personals" ads in newspapers and magazines...
I would never want to put all my attention to internet dating sites,but you can meet someone in a real life situation, have an attraction/interest and then have someone lose their nerve, or find out they really AREN'T as available as they wanted you to think..
I do think that having the internet and other media methods of meeting people getting more mainstream acceptance, has removed that "closed end" feeling when you were limited to dating those you met in real life, the feeling that you better take THIS train because there might not be another one coming soon, or if it did it would be the wrong kind of train) now we all figure that if the guy or gal we met thru the internet wasn't everything we ever dreamed of, forget them, log back in and keep looking. I'm not coloring this as good OR bad, simply as a factor in the equation.
But yes, it is in a way very backwards.
Cindy O
Joined: 11/5/2007
Msg: 64
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/26/2007 4:05:49 PM
internet dating is backwards because it takes in those who go on for everything but a realistic date...
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 68
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 11/26/2007 7:12:06 PM

Yikes.. only the pose is similar. Mr. D is lacking that blank, I'm stupid expression that KFed has patented.
Joined: 6/25/2007
Msg: 70
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 1/7/2008 5:23:38 AM
First I am a "smart peeple" who can't spell, but I do have a spell checker loaded. I can't type either, so I am double challenged, love me anyway!?

I don't thing internet dating is backwards, it just removes several of the initial steps of courtship.

Internet dating has a couple of advantages, it widens the people you can come in contact with. I regularly meet women with 150 mile for several locations I frequent.

I would never get to meet any of these woman without the internet.

"It saves the are you available?", from the meeting of random woman.

If you are fishing you are broadcasting your available (even if your not).

It also takes out the "do we have anything to talk about or in common" step.

I couple of emails back and forth and if the conversation dies, I have saved the gas and help save the planet (that's a joke for the greenies).

Last but not least it speeds up the "get lost" I have no interest with the (un)read deleted.

I look at internet dating as a dating accelerator, so many woman and men looking for each other and so little time.

Happy fishing everyone

Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 71
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 7/7/2013 7:43:58 PM
I think it's backwards because instead of getting to know people and then realizing that you want to date them, we are looking for someone to date, and essentially dating strangers- meeting people with the intent to decide if we want to date them. And both of us know the entire time that we are "interviewing" each other.

Now to some degree that goes on in offline dating, but relationships can develop as you get to know somebody and find that there is some type of connection that you want to explore. So it's backwards because in the offline world, except for "blind dates" which people used to always complain about (and the internet is basically a way to set up your own blind date), people meet THEN decide they want to date. But you don't judge everybody you come across as a potential date or non-date which you do in online dating.

Even if you see the most beautiful girl somewhere and ask her for her number (let's say the gas station), it's different because you didn't go into the gas station looking for someone to date.

Also, because people can meet online, they often don't do the things they would normally do to meet people (join clubs, socialize, etc) which leads them to be... well boring. People with no life looking for someone else to fulfill them.

I realize that sounds harsh but I do think that we are losing something through the online dating process. And I'm not saying it doesn't work for anyone, but I do think that maybe it's making us lazy in some ways.
Joined: 4/20/2011
Msg: 72
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 7/10/2013 1:58:34 PM
I have to disagree. Offline, most unattached adults are 'looking', to one degree or another, for a romantic/sexual partner. But the offline world offers a lot of camouflage for that search. "I took that cooking class because I wanted to learn to cook, not meet girls." "I came to this club to dance/drink/spend time with my friends, not to meet guys."

When you put up a profile online, you can't fool anyone that your not really looking for someone. And when you reject someone's advances online, it's because you weren't interested in them, not because you just came to dance.

What you claim is 'backwards' is just discomfort at not having plausible excuses.
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 73
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 7/10/2013 2:01:41 PM
mr. dynomite- I almost started a thread on this very topic. I think of it as "the online disconnect".
There are things that just don't translate well via the internet.
A sense of humor can be misunderstood or not come across at all. Another is intelligence. Also, temperament and that most illusive of things-instant attraction.
I wonder how many people we are passing up that could be someone right for us, simply because online dating makes it too easy to do just that........?
I'm starting to lean towards stopping online dating altogether, but I would miss the forums :(
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 74
view profile
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 7/15/2013 1:33:13 AM
In my experience, in my 40s and 50s, the trouble with all that "catching a stranger's eye across a crowded room" stuff is that it leads me constantly from one disappointment after another. The stranger is always already attached, and if I have done any flirting etc, I look like a fool as well as being knocked back.

I much prefer the net. At least I know the guy is looking!
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 75
Internet dating = The 'backwards' method?
Posted: 7/15/2013 7:14:42 AM
^^^Totally agree with curviest. There are very few (if any) places where singles in their 40's and 50's hang out in public and on a regular basis. It's hard to believe that about half of marriages end in divorce, because almost every adult I run into in any situation is married. Where are the single people hiding or are they an endangered species?
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