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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?      Home login  
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 flowerforce
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 21
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Two of my favorite self help books are
The phallic imperative by Jim Sellner
And
The New Manual For Life
by Ben Wong and Jock McKeen
 GrillMasterWanted
Joined: 10/5/2007
Msg: 22
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 11/27/2007 7:31:04 PM
I think that very few of the self help books are of any use. I have seen some that do have some insight that is of high quality, but for the most part, I think I have spent far too much money looking for insight from a book. At the end of the day, change comes from within when you are ready for it.
 Desi1955
Joined: 9/28/2006
Msg: 23
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 11/29/2007 7:59:46 AM
I've found the books that are more 'philosophies of living' to be helpful. I just re-read Nathaniel Branden's Six Pillars of Self Esteem, and anything by Scott Peck is good.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 25
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 11/29/2007 1:34:24 PM
The problem I see with some of the self help books is that they preach a utopia that not even they are capable to follow. With that said, you need to first and foremost feel comfortable in your own skin, so if you try something and it doesn't feel good or right, then don't do it.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 26
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 11/29/2007 1:40:27 PM

Self-help books encourage passivity, social isolation, and emotionality. We need more of the sort of book which is the opposite of self-help.


Aggression, competitiveness, indifference to losing, being close to somebody so you can kick their a$s.

Beautiful. Where do I sign in. Rrrrrr
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 27
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 4/30/2016 6:29:48 PM

However, the first one that gripped me was Dale Carnegie's books.

I like Mr. Carnegie's books. When I open a new book, I bring no expectations - I'm open to what the book will tell me. This is why I pay no mind to disappointed Amazon reviews to the effect of "not what I expected," "not what you would expect." Expect nothing, read the book. Mr. Carnegie's books are old, and his anecdotes illustrate life as it used to be - that is always interesting to me. The thing that most in my mind of all his writing is that the level of gratitude can be viewed as a measure of one's breeding. Gratitude must be cultivated starting in childhood, while ingratitude and taking things/people for granted come naturally.

It seems to me that in order to benefit from or at least enjoy a self-help book, or any advice website, one must first use the same frame of reference as the author. I don't read articles about "how to market yourself as a high value woman" because that's not terminology I use. I tried to follow until Amy Winehouse was dismissed as unclassy and then I was done.

Self help books have often been enlightening reading to me. I don't treat them as sources of solutions for my life. I open them with curiosity, keeping in mind the background of the author and the time when it was published. I keep reading even if I disagree with one or more points. I like stories and pay attention to things that speak to me personally.

Any book can leave a deep mark on our soul, including a seemingly silly book, the way the chick book "Better Single Than Sorry" left on mine. I smiled at the advice and encouragement, was happy for the author for making decisions that were right for her while criticized by multiple people, and, most importantly, read the testimonials of single women of many ages, noticing how attitudes differed depending on age.

A good book should be easy to read, which doesn't mean dumbed down. I'm currently reading Frederick Douglass who I believe wrote his narrative around 1840, and it's surprisingly easy to read and comprehend (although it's of course impossible to read without tears, and the author admits that he cried while writing it), while some writings I've seen from much later take three times of rereading the same sentence to grasp the author's message.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 28
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 4/30/2016 6:56:46 PM

The human psyche is complicated, tricky, with contradictions, cul-de-sacs, ironies. I don't want some fat Texan who sells diet books, as well as self-help books, blabbing at me about how I should live my life.

Good one! lol
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 29
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 4/30/2016 8:14:25 PM
There was a time in my life, when 2 self help books became my daily "bibles".
These books brought me to tears, they revealed a wealth of insight, and they provided a guide to an emotionally stable/healthy state of mind.
( Not too long ago, a woman came to the Forums for advice, to kick a man out of her home. In the course of her replies, to responses, to her thread, she stated, she didn't like to read self help books, etc etc, because they made her cry. There are times when it is good to bawl like a baby.)

As much as I hated the books for digging into my memories/my past, I learned to love the books for "being so mean, to be so kind".

I highly recommend the right book, for the right cause, at the right time.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 30
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 4/30/2016 10:02:31 PM
I think the Mars/Venus stuff is a pretty accurate model of male/female dynamics.

Evolutionary biology/psychology is relevant as well regarding monogamy and pair-bonding.

I really don't jive with the whole childhood trauma stuff. That stuff depends on how the child dealt with it.

To be honest, I'm turned off on a first meet when someone starts asking about my parents and my relationships with my family.

It smells like she read some self help book and wants to know if I'm from the shallow end of the gene pool.

It's usually pretty obvious too.

My parents have been married 40+ years and I was only divorced once.

I don't give a fvck and I'm...doomed....

YMMV

vvvvvv

Exactly!

I don't let a book determine if I should feel good around someone or not.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 31
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Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 4/30/2016 10:11:38 PM
I've never found self-help books to be helpful, I just take people as they come and if I don't like them or their actions, I know it's not a match.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 32
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 4/30/2016 11:04:10 PM

To be honest, I'm turned off on a first meet when someone starts asking about my parents and my relationships with my family.

I had an embarrassing episode where I almost walked out on my new financial advisor when he asked me how my parents treated money and investing. I thought, "This is gonna be a damn therapy session? I have to tell this man that all my Dad taught me was that he wasn't investing in MY ass? Screw that." So I told him I wasn't prepared for that type of questions, he apologized, and I ended up getting some darned good financial advice, so I'm happy I didn't storm out.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 33
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 4/30/2016 11:18:32 PM
scorpiomover- GOOD topic! :)
It needs to be said that ALL self help books are the opinion of the author.
Some aren't worth anything but lining a bird cage. (harsh, but true)
Others offer actual wisdom.
Where self help books (the good ones) come in handy is when someone realizes an issue, is already thinking about it/working on it and something said helps them in their journey towards healing.
There are too many examples for me to list of things that HAVE helped me, but in a nutshell, what matters is.......
I read it, I understood it and it helped me.
If someone finds a self help book that does ALL of these things, it's worth reading.
On a different topic, yet related in a way.............
It's things people that I respect said that have helped me the most, but only because I was receptive to it. (THAT is the key)
Right out of nursing school, I got a job in a nursing home.
I hated the job, but loved my patients.
The elderly have a lot to say, wise things that I listen to and value.
My marriage was already in trouble by then. I was TRYING to hide it, but not doing a very good job.
One of my patients could tell that I was having a hard time one day.
She asked me about it and I TRIED to get her to drop it, but she persisted and I opened up to her.
It wasn't an hour long discussion, I kept it brief but let her know I wasn't being treated well, that I was unhappy.
When I finished, she looked at me so long I got a little fidgety.
Then she said, "Come here Sweety" and hugged me.
She then simply said. "If you have to beg him to love you, that isn't love. Hold your head up and love yourself, he's a fool and doesn't deserve you and you need to SEE that."
BAM! Sadly, I kept at it for YEARS, but she was right and now that I KNOW the wisdom of her words, there is NO going back.
The short version:
You will reject bad advice, so don't take it.
You will accept good advice, so take it.
You will reject good advice that you don't want to hear and THAT is the advice that you need to listen to the most.
How do recognize the latter?
That is one of those things that you can't explain, but you WILL know it when you hear it, so listen.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 12/2/2015
Msg: 34
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 5/1/2016 6:10:49 AM
I think, whatever makes you feel good about yourself, do it...If it involves reading a book, therapy or just talking to your friends.
And yes, as in Bamas case.....words from a stranger may hit home.
I like mauling over my problem in my head and may over think it a little....but it always come back to "How do I feel about myself?"....in the end.
Love does not make you feel "bad"....or it shouldn't.
I too, love deeply and takes me a few years to get over it. I always relish people that can move on fast.
I can't really tell you if that's bad for a person or not.
I am having a tendency to think....it is good for a person to move on and feel hopeful again.

I don't read Books much anymore, since my eye surgery...my eyes are usually too blurry by evening.
Self help books are great....If they help you move on.
No....I do not believe in all that is written because in most cases, as has been pointed out, it's usually the authors opinion.
A few have been divorced a couple times....lol.

I can't date a man that's always analyzing me....for some reason I seem to attract men in that field.
The last man ran some sort of spiritual healing program.
In his opening message...He told how life was so great, knowing how other people think.
I told him, we wouldn't be a match.
 Scamp_in_VT
Joined: 8/8/2011
Msg: 35
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 5/1/2016 11:21:52 AM
Some books are better than others, and a lot depends on the 'fit' [of whether the themes and approach of a given book/author to some degree 'meet you where you're at' while also giving you motivation and tools for growth]

but what matters most is whether you really _d0_ something with what the books cover

Some years back I was in a relationship with a woman who had enough self-help books to fill racks and racks of tall bookshelves; in the early stages of the relationship I thought that was an encouraging sign of someone who'd had a willingness and ability to work on themselves and overcome some struggles.... but what I later learned was that, in that instance, it was someone who was always chasing some magic bullet/ external 'fix' without ever really turning deeply inward to wrestle with her real struggles.

You could flag down the SnapOn Tools truck and drop tens of thousands of dollars on the finest professional tools... and it won't make you an ace mechanic. You could be working with modest tools and is you are really engaged, eager and able to learn, and take the time, you could become very talented in your basement or backyard....

Learning and growing usually means pushing at or a bit past your comfort zone... and looking at some things inside yourself that you may find make you the opposite of proud to realize or wrestle with...and not all that many people really want to do that... it also means not being miles and miles outside your comfort zone, just as crash dieting won't equal sustainable improvements in health.

Years ago I worked for a guy who came from a really rural area, with relatively little education and who was the opposite of what you'd consider a self-help type. I was then dating the woman who became my wife [and later became my ex wife]; he asked me something about how things were going, and I described some difficulties that then seemed minor [though later turned major] and he said "you teach people how to treat you by what you accept.' That guy nailed it [and I came to wish I'd taken in and acted on the lesson]- in that and many other ways he was an exceptionally astute student of human behavior. There are a lot of people out there who have some great lessons to convey, frequently not even by you asking or them telling, but just by observing.
 ebolakitty
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 36
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 5/1/2016 2:36:48 PM
They do help to a degree depending on what you want from them. Books that teach a new skill seem to be more useful than the printed pep talks . Still, the latter are okay, so long as you don't expect more from them.

One other thing about the pep talk books is that they don't have to be correct to pass on a benefit. A book about teaching yourself Algebra HAS to be correct to work. Whereas, books about growing personal power through Christ or saving your marriage with color coordination and other such nonsense, can give you the sought after spiritual boost just by you totally buying into the BS. The effect can be quite long lasting too. If you surround yourself with other like-minded people, they can help keep the delusion alive long past any objective failure. In the case of the Algebra book being bad, no amount of peer support will get you closer to solving quadratic equations.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 37
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 5/1/2016 2:51:59 PM
if it costs only a little bit, or nothing, to attempt the things offered in a self help book, then go ahead and experiment. then you'll know what works for you, specifically, and what's just hot air. some people will do well with Tony Robbins/NLP type stuff b/c that's their nature. others won't feel comfortable with it, so they'll never pull it off. And of course, success in relating to other people, requires the other people to be on your wavelength. those people will connect to what you are saying, and have that, "I feel like I've known you forever" feeling b/c you two share the same beliefs and ideas, so you connect quickly.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 38
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History
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 5/1/2016 7:46:56 PM
Self-help books are not really self-help if you are following what someone else is telling you to do, now are they?
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 39
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 5/1/2016 8:12:58 PM
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ Kinda like a cookbook. I can read it all day long, but if I don't do anything the author says to do, I will have squat. Zilch. Nada. I will still be hungry.
Now if I want dinner with dessert, it's a good idea to get busy. Follow the directions. So what?
I don't like all cookbooks, and I don't want to cook everything I see. But if the pictures and recipe appeal to me, I will gladly follow the instructions.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 40
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 5/1/2016 8:16:08 PM
Self-help books help-if you're the one writing them and selling them, and go on book signing tours to convince people you are the world's leading expert on dating, relationships, human behavior, and anything else that ails you.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 41
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 5/2/2016 7:44:09 AM
that is the amusing irony of self-help books--they have to keep being produced. Yet human nature never changes. we'll seek out a way to change our partner before we fix the plank of wood in our eye (a reference to an ancient self-help book).
 BlondeApriLShowers
Joined: 4/28/2016
Msg: 42
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 5/2/2016 8:23:18 AM
One has to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.
 SLAFFA
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 43
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 5/2/2016 4:19:26 PM
ALL/any information or knowledge no matter where it comes from...

Whether it is a "self help" book, a documentary on TV, newspaper or magazine article...All have ZERO value to someone with a CLOSED mind. Since every single one of us is unique, "living by" any single source of information is not a good idea IMO.

The Forums are full of folks who will always be quick to denounce "things" they have never read or seen. The old "there is some type of agenda" behind everything attitude. No hope for them. They are also the ones very likely to have the "everyone lies in their profile" attitude and "no response is a response" way of thinking.

The beauty [to me] in any "new" source of information is whether it accurately conveys and CONFIRMS one's OWN observations of and interactions with other people no matter how well you might know them. If one has observed much of the SAME behavior from MOST members of the opposite sex for a few years [or for fifty years in my own case] and then you read a book or watch a documentary that explains the WHY of that behavior and HOW it might vary or be completely non existent in some folks...

Until I read Mars/Venus and saw it in writing, I never realized exactly what "cave time" is and why it can be so frustrating for both parties w/o understanding it. If the guy [almost always] can't explain his [perhaps sudden] need for "space", SHE is bound to think SHE has done something wrong. The book also explains quite well why most women are so ORALLY oriented. A "problem solved" to them might require conversation. Just conversation. ONLY conversation.

Also, there is always so much talk here about not being able to "read" the opposite sex. What ARE they thinking? BODY LANGUAGE is well studied and WELL UNDERSTOOD. But... we Humans have pretty much forgotten how to read it since we developed language so long ago. And now, so many folks, at least in the US are seemingly happy JUST pushing buttons on some electronic device. That is not even as good as sign and/or body language alone. Something "cave men" did many tens of thousands of years ago.

There are numerous good books on body language out there. Read just one or several chapters, and all those forgotten/still buried in our subconscious cues on body language come into sharp focus and make perfect sense. Positioning of hands and arms, feet, hips, tilt of head, direction of eyes, duration of eye contact, pupil dilation, frown [or is it a smile?]. Few women will utilize [CONSCIOUSLY] all of those to let a perhaps totally clueless guy know if he can approach/proceed. Few people can or will deliberately utilize fake or false body language...as opposed to what might come out of their mouth.

A "good" book on body language is not a magic pill for the Dating impaired but reading one can certainly HELP.

Can't it?

Even if just in better reading/understanding what our friends and acquaintances are really thinking.

At least then you might know what is going on when you see a bunch of guys standing in a group yakking and some will have their hands stuck in their belt loops.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 44
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Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 5/2/2016 4:55:08 PM


The Forums are full of folks who will always be quick to denounce "things" they have never read or seen. The old "there is some type of agenda" behind everything attitude. No hope for them. They are also the ones very likely to have the "everyone lies in their profile" attitude and "no response is a response" way of thinking.


You aren't wrong about those with a closed mind, but there is also a lot of irony in what you said. People with very closed or open minds don't usually do very well with self-help books, one thinks it's all bunk and the other thinks it is the answer, THE ANSWER. Being able to know what you need to work on and how to go about using the info in the book to get the help you are seeking, is what is needed. Self-help books along with therapy is usually better, that would depend on how motivated you are, how well you comprehend the info and if you like to do things alone, or with a group, or with a professional. There's a lot of nuances involved in working through issues.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 45
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 5/2/2016 5:48:47 PM
LOL I heard the song "Treat Her Like a Lady" on the radio today and I realized that this is the only relationship book a man needs.


"All my friends had to ask me
Something they didn't understand
Well, how I get all the women
In the palm of my hand

I told them, treat her like a lady
Do the best you can do
You gotta treat her like a lady
She'll give in to you

Oh, you've got to love her, tease her
But most of all you've got to please her
You've got to hold her, want her
And make her feel that you always need her

You know a woman is sentimental
And so easy to upset
So make her feel that she's for real
And she'll give you happiness

Oh, strange as it seems
You know you can't treat a woman mean

And so my friend, there you have it
It's the easy simple way
And if you fail to do this
Don't blame her if she looks my way"

The sentimental part is spot on! This is what I tell my male friends all the time - women are emotional and reactive creatures. That's why y'all have been giving us flowers and gifts and sweet-talking us since the beginning of time. :)
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 46
Do Self-Help books help if you live by them?
Posted: 5/2/2016 9:46:38 PM
Thanks NJ girl. the BS meter has been off the wall on this thread. I have a good male friend that I am now making ( for the first time as an Italian) cannoli for him. His last request was pizzelles. He said he has a pasta maker he has never used and I told him to bring it to me and I will figure out how to make homemade pasta with it.

Food for thought, food to share, Italians love cooking!
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