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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > How do you handle "not so good" things in your profile?      Home login  
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 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 16
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Enjoyed and appreciated all the posts from everyone. I've made some changes in my profile and will even make more. Also, I decided to take my picture down for a while and only make it public once I meet a lady online. I may change back and forth depending on how it goes. I'm just enjoying having communication with people at the moment. After a heart and head wrenching break up the healing process goes on for quite a while and we adjust to the changes in our lives. Having you guys to bounce ideas off of in brain storming sessions definitely increases my possibilities! Thanks for all of your inputs!
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 18
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How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:38:24 PM
"I compared a negative point..with another negative point"

Wow.........now I am confused. I though people who nursed their spouses through a terminal disease were to be respected. (Silly me!) Seriously - I won't be accepting that being widowed is a negative, especially in comparison to someone who has been jailed for a crime. OMG next people who have had their children die from natural causes will be placed in the same catagory as someone who did time in prison.

To me, no one is responsible for another person dying of natural causes. While someone who has committed a crime is responsible for that happening in their lives.

The issue is what has that person done to turn their life around.

Whether a person hides a prison record for a few dates or tells people straight up, it depends on a lot of factors as to whether each would work better. Mostly it depends on the person who is being invited to date by op.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 19
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 1:57:10 PM
Moraima...one thing in your posts is very important... the problem with people pigeon holing others. If everyone knew and considered the circumstances and all the other things that happened to cause the crime I was convicted of then they would see what I experienced and know that I was and still am a very good person....however, like narrow minded politics that pigeon hole all of us low life ex-con's...I am expected to be above reproach yet I am denied a real estate license, can not run for public office, must be a self supporting member of society, am not allowed to teach school, lots of good things I could be doing that would be very good for society but the pigeon hole I am in blocks lots of opportunities for the public to benefit from my abilities.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 21
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How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 3:02:46 PM
"I doubt you would think of those times as "good times""

You would be wrong......................I think of those times with love and pride. My point is OP can't be pigeoned holed by people if he doesn't accept his pigeon holing.

The fact that op can't hold certain positions is something OP needs to take up with and change the law.

Personally, if someone comes up with a big bunch not so good things after a few days, it isn't going to matter how cute they are or how appealing their story is, I would feel like I had been conned. I can compare it to all types of dating situations, but I am not going to.

I maintentain that some folks will be ok with learning about it after the fact, and others won't.
 AgelessWonder
Joined: 4/12/2006
Msg: 22
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 3:11:43 PM
^^^ That is so true, but why air all your dirty laundry in your profile. OP, I know you are an honest person or you wouldn't even have asked this question.

When the time is right for you to approach the subject, then that is when it should be done. Go by your heart and intuition. I wouldn't bring it up with a casual acquaintance, such as in an e-mail... once you get to know someone a little better, then it probably would be a good time to bring it up... some will reject you, and some will take what you have to tell them in the context that it is given. Most everyone has some skeletons in their closet... Some are just bigger than others !!
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 23
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How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 6:01:22 PM
^^^^^^^^ I wish people would NOT assume that just because they feel a certain way, that all other people would feel the same way.

There is no right and no wrong answer to OP's question. People can twist things anyway they want to. In plain English, some people would accept someone who has been convicted and spent time in jail and some wouldn't.

How many other people that the know or have meet in their lives who have also been to prison might make a big difference in how accepting they are.
 peek~a~booo
Joined: 1/3/2007
Msg: 24
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/25/2007 10:24:41 PM
Well i may as well share what i shared in a email with BOB...there are thousands of folks who have family members who have done time and they also have seen those family members turn the next corner like Bob and i am quite sure they can relate to his situation...and my healing is done folks but the stigma toward suicide is still out there...
I choose to defy stigma cuz i do not want another human to not feel they can not leave that issue behind and have life after, just like bob has a stigma, i have one attatched to me...that was what i was relating however that was "assumed" to be my healing...my goodness if i was not past that card i could not talk openly about the issue...
for the record my usual questions are criminal record and my purpose is to clear the base ground with the human i am interacting with so they understand stigma is not an issue here...that is a standard question for many folks off the line and it is not necessarily a bad thing if your dealing with another human who has a issue like stigma in there own background...so there are many ways to look at this issue as well.
a funny story....i was talking to this one man and in the interaction i told him that i had crohn's disease....and he said so your really special funny i have it to...neither one of us was comfortable at first but when we discovered that common ground it was hilarious. We where not matched for other reasons but it was so funny..i learned that there is no fear in relating stuff like that cuz if that human can't or chooses not to deal it...they have the option on the line to bolt and i do not get deeper into the past...
so now that i think of it...hollllllllay i have 2 stigma's...perhaps i should change my name to stigma...chuckles...
goodluck to anyone doing a dual with stigma from others...it is only there cuz to many folks do not lay it down and deal off the line and then they end up getting hurt cuz that human that they are talking to feels like they where lied to and had to corner you for the information...i have had that to...where they say....when where you going to tell me....and then you feel like your devalued....
so i lay down the bad and cut the ground off the line cuz i am oh so done with appologizing to others for A)a disease and B) a suicide must mean your wacked...
and i will not waste my time on some human who thinks that...

met to many who whined and cried that i was not telling this information and it
frankly was not fair to either of us...so i learned to be forthright off the line...and they either try to relate or bubye off the line...simply and to the point i do not hide chit.
I do not expect to con my way into anyones life and i expect forthright off the line cuz that is what I give. To each there own...this works for me..chuckles
is the developed man part of my personality.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 27
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How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/27/2007 7:44:32 AM
All we ever need to know in datingland, we should ask Clay. Common sense, and straight to the point with no candy coating of this question makes sense to me.

(No, we don't want to get into discussion the particular crime OP. Please don't think that is what we are asking. It is none of our business unless we are becoming an important part of each others lives.)

I would have to agree that certain crimes would be difficult if not impossible to forgive, or the fear might happen again in times of strain. ie. killed spouse for trying to leave. (Which obviously isn't the case here.)
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 28
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/28/2007 5:27:01 PM
Regardless of the schwing of the comments...I do appreciate them. The particular one that stepped in my cherrio's came at me as nice and understanding "I'm not a goody two shoes or anything like that"... then asked for details... so, when she got them she bolted then when I attempted to get her attention again she came back with not only annoying but degrading comments without considering the circumstances of the "event" (to put a sugar coating on it). However, in cyberspace, no matter what we say or the format or medium, what we say is only words and there is little to support whether I was testing her or actually giving details. So, philosophically speaking....there is no truth. There is only data and until you experience the truth you have to accept it as just words in the ether as words on paper.
We accept many truisms out of our assumptions and so called proof by statistical analysis whether a mere mentally calculated hypothesis or empirical fact. To this, I put the test in concerning the photo. I removed the photo and got little response. I had previously gotten only responses after contacting my intended prospect. Once the photo was removed I tweaked the profile some and toyed with it until I came up with a challenge approach. The numbers may not be big as compared to the female vixens with suggestive lithe and nubile bodies and sensuous photos. However, the fact that I got 3 responses from the personal alone indicates that issuing a challenge is a very good selling tool and has far surpassed the photo approach that is standard stock in trade on these sites. To that extent, the bottom line here is "selling technique". Polishing our profiles will increase sales so to speak. The ones I generally have had the most attraction do not have the greatest physical attributes or the prettiest history. But they have the best attitude about people and life and exude an ability to see through the walls we put up in the thinly veiled facade of our profiles...... damn, almost got poetic with that one!
 isTHISuserNametaken
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 30
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/29/2007 5:01:59 AM
There's a such thing as being too honest, too soon, Most people will automatically judge you on even one bad mistake in your life, even if there is a long history of good before and after it. It's a shame how one bad can erase all the good. People need to be judged on who and what they are NOW!

Your profile should focus on the good, positive side of your life, - not on your past mistakes that you've already paid for. Wait till someone has learned to appreciate the good in you NOW before you bring up your past mistakes.
If they reject you then because of 1 or 2 past mistakes, they are a very unforgiving person, and not worth it anyway.
"let he who has no sin cast the first stone"
 AgelessWonder
Joined: 4/12/2006
Msg: 31
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/29/2007 5:08:51 AM
To be perfectly honest if I were to date someone who has a criminal record or been in jail, I would have to know the details fo the crime before I would consider dating them. To me that is just common sense, but as far as telling it on a profile, I don't believe that is necessary but if you think it will hinder a relationship, be upfront with it as soon as possible.. JMO
 WindRoper
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 32
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/29/2007 9:20:07 AM
My philosophy has always been that secrets are chinks (weaknesses) in our armor. They make us overly sensitive to certain subjects or once someone learns that secret they may try to use it as a weapon against us. So I've tried to live my life as an open book. It ain't always easy in RL. OL I ain't advertising it cuz there are too many freaks and stalkers out there. If I feel any attraction whatsoever between me and someone, I'm willing to disclose all and let the chips fall where they may, but my life isn't fodder for strangers... altho it probably would make a pretty good book. Heh!
 AgelessWonder
Joined: 4/12/2006
Msg: 33
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/29/2007 9:37:09 AM
^^^^^ I hate those tags too and cut them off... I hope they don't come looking for me, especially since I confessed it to a forum!!

Being honest about anything is the best policy, IMO.. The truth always has a way of coming out anyhow, so may as just let it out sooner than later.
 AndalusiaJoey
Joined: 8/6/2007
Msg: 35
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 11/30/2007 9:37:44 AM

Now I think I'll add somewhere in my profile that I, too, am a criminal...I have an obsession about ripping off the tags on upholstery that state that doing so makes it a crime...I live on the edge.


Bravo Senor Freud. That was so funny I almost expel my coffee through my nose!
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 36
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 12/28/2007 5:48:04 PM
chocolatebrowne... funny you should mention that... while I was on work-release I met and dated a lady who was sgt. detective on the vice squad. I didn't put her down for being a policeperson and she was great to my family and didn't put me down for being a convict. Later I met a lady who was the ex-wife of a prison guard...fantastic! Just too far away for a relationship. Seems that cops & cons tend to run together... I knew of some girls who tended to swap between ex-cons and cops... kinda weird...and neither are socially my style. I do happen to have very many friends who are cops tho'. One of my best friends is also an ex-dope dealer (huge, big time!) and now stirs clear of drugs and anyone associated with drugs... he knows I'm clean and is why he chose to hang with me. I had not seen him in over 30 years when we bumped into each other and re-newed the friendship from childhood. Some of the most likable, best, cleanest, and most honest people I know are ex-cons. So, for me, I'd question someone who supposedly is squeaky clean before I'd worry about someone with blemishes in his/her life...even serious blemishes.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 37
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 12/28/2007 9:41:41 PM
CMS... yep... I'm okay with it... pity those who can't handle honesty and real people. Actually thinking about doubling up and having another profile... hate to give up this one since I've met so many really nice people and there are a few who follow my posts/threads. I've been a work in progress ever since "that woman" left me.... life is good nowadays tho' and I'm so far away from where I was emotionally a couple of months ago... too, the woman I just met and am dating acts like she doesn't know I'm an ex-con... wanted to bring it to her attention very soon. However, my original profile was up on the other site she uses regularly and I seldom visit. It still told that I'm an ex-con...so, I just don't know if she read that profile or not. I certainly don't want to hurt her but sure as hell don't want her to bolt on me either....anyway..that was one reason for posting (to bump it to the top)...took a while to find the thread and I wanted it available to show her...let her read it for herself. So far she has come across as being majorly impressed and quite taken with me...and she's a cutie! Sweet as apple pie!
 maryb1956
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 38
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How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 1/5/2008 7:31:10 PM
the not so good thing in my profile is my weight, i am a short and large woman..i always say that i have had long phone conversations with, and tell them that i am large. but there has been 3 times, that i have met men that i have had phone conversations with, and told them i was a big woman...but when we meet...i see that look on their face when we meet, and can tell it is to much for them.... all they have to do is take a good look at my photos...i don't answer mens profiles when they want an average or slim woman......

it is good you are up front, i complement you for that...i just wish more men were about their marrital status...
 ohthereugo
Joined: 2/12/2008
Msg: 41
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 1/26/2009 4:14:20 PM
Australia was built on convicts .

BamaBob if you really want a glam job start your own business , ways around things .

Profile just positive stuff nobody wants to hear about negative stuff .
 monalee1
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 42
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 1/26/2009 5:19:11 PM
hi... I am of the belief that if it is going to come up, why not put it up there right from the start... some things are going to be instant deal breakers so why prolong the delivery of "special" yet highly important details....the right person for you is someone who has the capacity to show immeasurable trust in delicate situations, someone who can look past your former life and see you as you are today... this person needs to have these qualities in and of themself, it has nothing to do with getting to know you first so the "shock" will be less jolting... I mean some people are just meant to be nurses while others are more like ~curses~ to the profession... I say leave it there and pray for the right gal ... the bible says that Truth shall make us free and what can be more freeing than being ~exactly~ who we are from the start.... blessings for happiness, warmly Mona
 sally bentley
Joined: 7/9/2008
Msg: 43
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 1/26/2009 5:19:27 PM
I would let the person get to know you a bit before laying on heavy stuff. Everyone has a lot of crap in their life.
 Brownlady1953
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 45
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 1/27/2009 6:47:46 AM
My grandfather always told me to drag the skeletons out of the closet and lay them on the front lawn so that way no one has anything to "hold over your head".....

I've done that, and I know for a fact that it has made a few people (romantic and non-romantic), not want to be a part of my life, and that's okay, too, because if you're that "perfect", I don't NEED you in my life, imperfect soul that I am! Who needs the stress?
 ~Sunrise_Walker~
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 46
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 1/27/2009 8:20:44 AM
In my opinion, anything that could affect a prospective relationship, negatively or positively, should be discussed on the first or at least the second meeting. No need to put it out there if there's no interest in taking things any further. I certainly don't think it needs to be in the profile.
 pfif
Joined: 6/11/2012
Msg: 47
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 7/19/2012 10:14:59 AM
I don't quite know how to convey this quickly, but in a very basic
way, there are people who've led somewhat sheltered lives, away
from (call it) urban angst, or Tex-Mex intrigue, &c. -- elements
of my journey. I have family whose eyes would go wide as saucers
if I narrated many of my own true life stories. I don't. They're
decent people
and, they're none too curious to ask.

As my life became more urbane, less of a need to explain deep back-
ground on me. It's old personal history. People wish me to listen,
not to speak as much. Their need to be heard seems to alleviate my
anxiety of being known; though in truth, it's not such a dicey story,
and probably gets interpreted as bragging, or war stories.

If people cut you off in conversation, they cannot very well lay down
accusation in the future, about timeliness of disclosure. I don't think
this is a worry; current status is more to the point, when dating.

That should be enough trouble for anyone -- no need to borrow more,
from a distant past.

Let them ask. Tell your truth. Accept the result, gracefully.
 tbicon
Joined: 5/6/2012
Msg: 48
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 7/19/2012 1:42:14 PM
That's easy Op. (1) do not put these issues in your profile. Your profile should be like a resume, put your best foot forward. (2) If you have an opportunity to get to know somebody, you can release select information as you go along. As to the convict part, as long as you are reformed and it was a long time ago, I don't think its a deal breaker.
 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 49
How do you handle not so good things in your profile?
Posted: 7/19/2012 9:33:55 PM
I would not disclose any personal information to strangers before you meet, that you are not comfortable with. There are women who are turned on by the bad boys by the same token.

However if they dont like the pics on the profile they wont bother to contact you. So it all starts with that and how you write a profile. Stress only the positive things but dont lie, like so many do.

You will find that you wont get many replies if you are too honest about your past misdemeanours upfront. It is hard enough anyway, for men on dating sites.

If you are an ex con it would depend on the crime I would say. Everyone deserves a second chance in the main. We all do have some secrets but it depends on the nature, whether it is a dealbreaker or not.
Time to get personal once you have actually met someone and know them a while.
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