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 AUTHOR
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 3
Commitment phobicPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Pain avoidance is the most basic instinct any live thing has. One thing that separates amoebas from humans is that we can control that--since we know in this case this is emotional pain, not physical pain. Internal dialogue might be able to help you find out what you are, specifically, afraid of (rejection doesn't count!), and why. Or therapy. But eventually, you are just going to have to take the leap--the risk--and get involved emotionally, even if it may, one day, hurt you. Or be alone. It's a choice.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 4
Commitment phobic
Posted: 12/10/2007 11:53:15 AM
You've ever heard of the term, no pain, no gain? It applies to other things in life as well, particularly relationships. The problem is that we move through life as indicated above by "pain avoidance." But what that does is, if you close that emotion, you also do not allow the deeper emotions in. Now if you let gate open, you are inevitably going to get hurt. So as with excercise, or having a business, or learning something new, you try, you fail, you get up, you try a gain. After a while you do develop a thick skin, but you keep trying, but because you try, and get a feeling for different personalities, the one you end up may not be the perfect dude, but the one with the right combination of imperfections.
 Dracoa79
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 7
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History
Commitment phobic
Posted: 12/10/2007 12:24:47 PM
OP: There are some very legitimate reasons for a person to be afraid of commitment, what I think you need to do is look deep within yourself and see if it's more than just a fear of possibly being hurt, and regardless try to find the cause of the fear. If the cause is something that you can control, then you need to do so for your own sake.

Honestly, I don't know that I'll ever be in a serious, committed, relationship, not because I'm afraid of being hurt but the opposite. I expect to be hurt. Sure, one might possibly come along, and when/if it does I'll think I'm so head over heels for the girl. I know I can trace my problem to it's source. For me it was the man (and I use the term loosely here) that calls himself my father, combined with my parents divorce. The divorce started the downhill slide for me, and I have since gotten over it. The rest, well, some wounds never heal. Sometimes we will do anything to avoid being like the one who hurt us that it hurts any efforts we might make with people in general, no matter how hard we try.
 activegirl1
Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 9
Commitment phobic
Posted: 12/10/2007 4:10:33 PM
Hey you're not the only one. I think I am a 'detective' too. I meet lots of guys but they never seem to have everything I'm looking for or I find something that turns me off. It's funny because most guys I know act like they're commitment phobic and that they don't like girls who want to rush into somthing serious. Although I'm actually looking for something serious, I think I'm more commitment phobice than them. I don't know how many guys I will have to meet before I find one I think has the potential for something in the future. I think is it better to have high standards and keep looking though then to waste your time with someone you've 'settled' for. I don't mind being single until I've met the right one.
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 10
Commitment phobic
Posted: 12/10/2007 4:29:21 PM
God man I hate to say this but Im going to because deep down
Im a bitch-
Tell your family and friends to mind their own business.

becuase you are 24 years old- drop dead gorgeous and not settling for
the local loser you are "too picky"- no you are not. You are young, you
know what you want and eventually you will get it.
Stop reading these books- get out and have fun and enjoy life and
meet people and live- there is not one thing wrong with you.
Live- try them all out.


curlygrl~
 JWA
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 15
Commitment phobic
Posted: 12/11/2007 5:47:15 AM

How does one get over "im scared of getting hurt" and join the reall ppl in dating world... I mean ultimately I keep telling myself that I want to get married and have a family I long for love... but as soon as it presents itself i subotage it .... and run...


Ahhhhhh MeowGrrrr83----you’ve discovered one very important part to life and romance----that fear of being hurt. Fact is everyone here has already suffered their first hurt and once you have experienced it that “fear” never really goes away---I can recall a fateful phone call almost 40 years ago that produced my first heart break! 5 minutes before that moment I was all bright-eyed and full of optimism about love, my g/f and life in general---it just could NOT get any better than it was----BEFORE that call. Afterwards, every time I’ve felt those first pangs of serious interest in someone that “fear” comes back but the key is to push through it and letting yourself go, freeing you to fall all the way in love or whatever close.

As a side note within about 9 months of losing that first love I met another older woman with whom there was something so amazing on the emotional level I was in love almost instantly without ever realizing. Then again, that was about 7 years in the making so perhaps the feelings were there already but needed to become physical before being realized? At any rate I had no fear and there was no struggle to overcome it either----not with her anyway.

I’ll echo those who’ve said you are quite the attractive young woman which never hurts but it’s also easy to tell from your posts here there is a huge heart and very active brain inside all that pulchritude. The people telling you you’re young, you have plenty of time to worry about settling down blah blah blah might seem to forget how once they were your age and how we all felt during those wonder years of discovering things about ourselves. I don’t think you’re too young to wonder about your life and how you act/react with someone you come to care about----there always is the “too late” thing though. I don’t get that you’re in a hurry to find just anyone but being curious how you’ll deal with it when it does happen never comes too soon.

When I began to be aware of things like your possible commitment phobia in myself I too delved into books looking for answers. For me it led only to confusion and not a little of thinking maybe there was even MORE “wrong” with me. LOL Once I decided to not worry so much about pigeon holing myself with names or into categories from books alone I instead tried developing a possible plan for the next time one of my one phobias cropped up.

Being aware of what really blocks our progression into something “deeper” or at least prevents us from sabotaging something out of fear we can work on that but only when we have a suitable practice partner. Discussing your fear with them and hopefully getting positive reinforcement of understanding and willingness to be patient while the work in progress is in motion works wonders for alleviating most of that fear. It’s not easy but if you can power through this step you find the rewards out weigh the risks a thousand fold.

We’d hate to lose your participation here but if it was because you’d found a great guy we’d all be happy you did!
 fancynanci
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 18
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History
Commitment phobic
Posted: 12/11/2007 2:58:11 PM
Everyone is afraid of getting hurt. I am. But you must take risks in life to be happy
 fancynanci
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 23
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History
Commitment phobic
Posted: 1/6/2008 4:24:34 PM
The love you take....is equal to the love you make......
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