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 EclecticGroove
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 2
How long does it take for a guy to get over cheating?Page 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Yeah, there was a LOT of rationalization going on in that post.
How can a guy just flip flop like that? Well, being cheated and lied to might have just had something to do with it... just a guess.

Your friend should just cut their losses and assume whatever information they are after is unobtainable from the ex. Unless it's something he's legally obligated to provide to her, she would be better off not wasting her time. Cheating can hurt a hell of a lot, and some guys take it better than others, he obviously took it pretty bad.

I'm also not saying that he was perfect in the relationship, who knows? But doing something wrong in response to something else done wrong is childish behavior. Your friend should have either discussed the relationship problems or left if they were too bad/he wouldn't listen. Cheating did nothing but compound the problem and she's directly to blame for the position she finds herself in now.

If nothing else, maybe she will have learned something from this and will act more maturely in her next relationship.
 EclecticGroove
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 5
How long does it take for a guy to get over cheating?
Posted: 12/11/2007 11:46:47 AM
Well, the "big deal" is that it's a hurtful act.
NOT defending him here, but when you say, "according to her, her family, and friends" that's all fine... but, did he know that? Was it ever brought up to him and discussed? Does he have some sort of personality/mental problems? Whatever the case is, if he thought everything was fine then the cheating would have been completely unexpected. Or if they were talking and he felt things were getting better. If she simply sat there and expected him to change without her bringing up the issue, it's a bit dense... most people aren't going to knowingly do something they know is wrong/painful in a relationship. Often they do it because they think it is ok, needed, or just flat out don't realize it. (not counting mental/emotional problems that would require much more intervention)

Speaking from my own personal standpoint, my ex fiance cheated on me, and did it in such a way that was so hateful and callous that I will never in my life speak to her again, not in 2 years, not in 200.
So I can certainly relate to your friends ex in that regards, but I don't know the specifics of the relationship, the cheating, or the way it all ended.

Unless there is a child involved or something equally as important in both their lives, I really wouldn't expect such a situation to ever end with both as friends... sure it can happen, but not likely.
 Roamingsiris
Joined: 7/8/2006
Msg: 8
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How long does it take for a guy to get over cheating?
Posted: 12/11/2007 1:00:06 PM
The company you choose to keep reflects on you.

Why would I want to be around somone that is like that?

(A: Get over it? Right away. Shes the cheating whore, nothing much I can do about that now is there? Allow her access to me and my life again? Never.)
 Double Cabin
Joined: 11/29/2004
Msg: 9
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How long does it take for a guy to get over cheating?
Posted: 12/11/2007 1:01:53 PM
OP,

Some of us are vindictave, some of us are forgiving, some of us are bitter, and then some of us have actually been cheated on and have reason to avoid contact. As noted unless this is a legal matter she needs to forget about him.

Whether or not this guy is the a$$ you assert and whether or not your friend deserves to be put on the pedestal you put her on SHE CHEATED! Period. Since she didn't end the relationship before that could happen SHE IS AT FAULT.
 Smitty828282
Joined: 7/13/2007
Msg: 10
How long does it take for a guy to get over cheating?
Posted: 12/11/2007 1:29:04 PM
It takes a loooong time. And honestly you never forget that feeling when you first found out. Happened to me only once, we were driving back from somewhere and still about 30 minutes outside of town when she decided it would be a good time to tell me she cheated on me...
 mcbobly
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 12
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How long does it take for a guy to get over cheating?
Posted: 12/11/2007 2:25:13 PM
Chances are that he'll never get over it. Once that trust has been broken there is little that can be done to rebuild it. A heart is a fragile thing and when you put a lot of time, effort and trust into someone that you "believe" will never betray that trust and break your heart, then they do so by cheating there is very little chance that it will ever be the same. As someone that has been cheated on when my ex came crawling back 3 years later admitting she was wrong and asked if we could talk about working it out, after her "new man" booted her out, I simply told her NO! I couldn't ever see myself trusting her ever again. Some people can deal with it and move on and salvage the relationship, most can't. That''s the cost of making a stupid and selfish decision, to cheat, and hope you can have your cake and eat it too. It's even worse when kids are involved in the mess too.
 Steve V.
Joined: 9/24/2005
Msg: 18
How long does it take for a guy to get over cheating?
Posted: 12/11/2007 7:48:09 PM
many men are very territorial, or sometime complete isolation from the person that hurt you is best medicine
 EclecticGroove
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 23
How long does it take for a guy to get over cheating?
Posted: 12/11/2007 9:34:07 PM
Time may heal all wounds, but time doesn't make you want to reopen them.

Hey may forgive and forget, but that doesn't mean he would want her in his life in any way.

Just move on, there is nothing to be gained from this anymore. Your friend made the effort to get in touch with someone she hurt, and that's that. If he ever wants to get in touch with her again, the ball is in his court now. He is under no obligation to do so, and to expect it is not very realistic.

You're trying to explain away all of the problems in the relationship like they are nothing. Like when they had their issues and she cheated that it was as if she accidentally threw away his favorite shirt or something, but what happened was much deeper than you seem to be willing/able to understand. This was not some minor spat, some small breach of trust, this wasn't an "oops I made a lil mistake tee-hee". This was an action that rocks the very foundation of a relationship. This is something that will bring down ANY monogamous and serious relationship, no matter how long it has lasted, no matter how close the people are, this will take the very essence of what these two people shared and simply chew it up and spit it out.
Rebuilding that structure, that trust and faith, is up to the two people involved... and considering the shaky and rather broken foundation this relationship was built on, it wasn't coming back from it.

So, regardless of who this friend is, you or an actual friend... move on and get on with life. Trying to rationalize the reasons why these two people should be bestest buddies again is not healthy.
 EclecticGroove
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 27
How long does it take for a guy to get over cheating?
Posted: 12/12/2007 5:39:24 AM
You are placing your friend in such high regards and belittling the guy constantly, stop making excuses and derisions for their relationship.

Seriously, just stop. I don't care if it was you or a friend, cut it out and move on, it's not healthy at all. Your friend made a serious mistake, and the guy probably did to... get over it, learn from it, and move on with your life.

Next time a bad relationship comes up your friend needs to remember it is not their job to fix someone, especially if they don't seem to be willing to make an effort on their own. She should have gotten out and stayed out. Choosing to stay/go back with him again and again was a problem she needs to work on. Choosing to stay in and then cheat to break up is another mistake. She needs to use some of those "self help" and relationship books and psych degrees to examine herself.

Just back out of this thread. If this person is you, seek some time of your own to just drop this and stop making up excuses as well as constantly offsetting all blame. If this is a friend, then you have no stake in this, stop trying to make her look good to everyone since it doesn't matter, and tell her she needs to get over that relationship. And if she's constantly making the excuses and arguments you are, she needs to take a step back and look at herself.

**edit**
Also, a childhood mistake when you are both young and don't really know much better is a far cry from what happens when you are an adult in a very serious and exclusive relationship. The two are nothing alike.

And forgiveness does not mean putting them back in your life. Your story said you didn't trust your friend that betrayed you as much, that WAS putting distance between you two, since the nature of your relationship changed. Now picture that with a less stable friend, lots of distance between you, and a monumentally more painful betrayal. Now you might start to get the picture on what went on there. He may or may not have forgiven her, maybe he never will.. who knows? But even if he has, there is no longer a reason for him to ever talk to her. She betrayed him on a very basic level and now she won't ever be a good friend, and certainly won't ever be his significant other anymore. Why would he go through the trouble and potential pain/heartache of talking with her again to only make her an occasional chat buddy at best?
 EclecticGroove
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 31
How long does it take for a guy to get over cheating?
Posted: 12/12/2007 7:51:19 AM
She should still feel bad for it. But she should move on and accept it and most of all LEARN from it.

I do not subscribe to that tired and stupid "once a cheater always a cheater" BS line. But the fact remains, she made several mistakes in that relationship, up to and very much including, the cheating.

She needs to "use" her education, reading, etc more than she has been previously, and needs to use it on herself. Her ex is not the problem, his not talking to her is not the problem, him "not getting over it" is not the problem. The entire relationship and how they BOTH handled it was the problem. Unless she wants to be stuck in relationships in which she is always feeling trapped she needs to grow up quite a bit and be more comfortable with communication (to her partner and herself).
Most of all, she (and you) need to take ownership of your own problems and mistakes. All you are doing in every single post I've read in this thread is making excuses and explanations. A mistake was made, it was a bad one, it (along with several others from her and the ex) lead to the destruction of a relationship. It is the end of that relationship, but not the end of the world... move on.

Just... accept the mistake, accept the faults that were yours, and LEARN... I can't stress that enough. If you jsut stick your head in the sand, cover your ears, and try and place all the blame on someone else while making excuses for your own actions, you won't learn a damned thing.
 Rain4Eva
Joined: 4/3/2006
Msg: 34
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How long does it take for a guy to get over cheating?
Posted: 12/12/2007 6:12:27 PM
nicely put Yapple, seriously.
 6dutchman6
Joined: 11/23/2007
Msg: 39
How long does it take for a guy to get over cheating?
Posted: 12/13/2007 6:40:25 PM
Same question, now reverse the gender, see still no answer
 WokkaWokka
Joined: 12/5/2005
Msg: 49
How long does it take for a guy to get over cheating?
Posted: 3/29/2008 2:41:37 PM
about 5 minutes after meeting his new girlfriend
 Goodscifistudy
Joined: 3/10/2008
Msg: 57
How long does it take for a guy to get over cheating?
Posted: 4/1/2008 12:22:34 PM
The greater the sense of betrayal, the longer it takes to recover, but never forget.
Also add pride, and a dash of spite and maybe the guy will never want to hear from her again.
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