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 AUTHOR
 tom42149
Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 16
dating VS just 'getting laid'Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Acttwo; I paid a 'proofreader' to check my site, before publishing it. If you found error's, please message me, & point it out?
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 17
view profile
History
dating VS just 'getting laid'
Posted: 12/30/2007 9:41:43 AM
IMXintric, you have made some interesting points... two you have completely missed however are the fact that sex is NOT just for recreation, but also PROcreation. Yes at Toms age, he probably doesn't need to worry AS MUCH about that issue, however then again 15 yrs ago he probably should have.

The other aspect that you did not mention was religion, and the out look of religion and sex. Ohhhh geez that is a topic that can take on a life of its own.

The fact is this, he is dealing with an age of women that are NOT as openminded to casual sex as say some that are a tad younger... It is a generational, and religious issue, as well as can be a bit of a hormonal thing as well... OR it can very well be the myriad of other things YOU have mentioned.

I have daughters half my age, and the big kick for girls their age and 18 is to go to a strip club. Land all mighty, that was NOT a place my friends or I would have considered a kick to go to, but now a days it is a right of passage for girls who turn 18...Go figure...
 Change Of Pace
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 18
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History
dating VS just 'getting laid'
Posted: 12/30/2007 10:50:17 AM
I can't message you because I don't live in the States...if you send me one first I'd be happy to message what I notice back. I'm no professional, but happy to help.
 tom42149
Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 19
dating VS just 'getting laid'
Posted: 12/30/2007 11:15:06 AM
My addy has been sent to you, pretty lady, and I would certainly appreciate your pointing out the error on my site. Professionals can't have error's! Not and remain professional very long, anyway. Tom42149
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 20
dating VS just 'getting laid'
Posted: 12/30/2007 11:26:49 AM
It's too easy to just get laid as a woman if that's all you want - and it requires no courting or dating or quality time. Women always have options; some would rather have sex within a comfortable serious relationship, so to them the dating part is pretty important before the sex ever happens.

Some women who like to have active sex lives can also date in a quest to find someone they can become serious with may also have some sort of arrangement to fulfill their basic needs...it's sort of two different things that almost don't have anything to do with each other.

Having sex without strings, without leading someone on or just the process of finding someone they're attracted to to sleep with in the first place is a lot tougher for men than women I think, so they're more the gender who feel they have to go thru the motions to get to the sex.
 tom42149
Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 21
dating VS just 'getting laid'
Posted: 12/30/2007 12:00:01 PM
UglyBetty.
; Your screen name made me laugh. Only a stone-cold fox could carry it off, and you do it quite well!

Hmmm...Dating, while keeping fukbuddies, too. Wonderful concept, but isn't this the description for what women label 'players'? Or, is this only allowed for the female species? Tom42149
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 22
dating VS just 'getting laid'
Posted: 12/30/2007 2:08:36 PM
UglyBetty.
Your screen name made me laugh. Only a stone-cold fox could carry it off, and you do it quite well!

I am a runway model or so ugly it's a sin depending on who you ask... we all have fans and critics, but I am humble enough to know my appearance is subjective and polite enough to appreciate a compliment. So thanks. The name is sort of a private joke related to the television show actually.

Hmmm...Dating, while keeping fukbuddies, too. Wonderful concept, but isn't this the description for what women label 'players'? Or, is this only allowed for the female species? Tom42149

It's not a concept, it's a common but rarely admitted practice that's anything but new. It's more ok societally for the female species now, but where do you think we learned it from? Used to piss us off, but now it's an option that we appreciate finding out about - turns out it works really well. We can thank the men for kind of a useful technique (for those women it's useful for, anyway). Turns out maybe we were only upset because we were stigmatized for what we did until recently in history.
 tom42149
Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 23
dating VS just 'getting laid'
Posted: 12/30/2007 10:27:36 PM
Tom to Bethlett; Your ost made perfect sense to me. Must be your advanced age of 90, that has made you such a wise woman!

However, I doubt your honesty about your age, if you are 90, I'll kiss your a$$. Oh wait, I'd do that anyway. Tom
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 24
dating VS just 'getting laid'
Posted: 12/31/2007 5:51:49 AM

Ugly Betty's comment on women having men they date and those they sleep with is right on....

I might add though...it is because the way women are stigmatized that some women find it a necessity to keep the men they date and those they sleep with seperate. If I am in the early phases of dating someone, the last thing I am going to do is sleep with him. Introducing sex too early into the equation is a relationship killer. Sex too early, will cause many men to loose interest and think poorly of the woman. It really is about the chase to most men....they like a challenge. You can deny it all you want. Based on experience I know it is true. On the other hand if a woman is just looking for sex...she can find that basically anywhere and can also find the type of sex she perfers. For a woman it is a sellers market. I just keep my sexual practices private . Those I date will never know....I don't need the judgements.

Most do. A lot of men go on and on about the fact that they'd never be serious about a woman who did this (not only do we have to be perfect, we have to cease sex practices altogether before meeting them or it's a deal breaker and I doubt they're doing the same, which is kinda funny) so of course most women just wouldn't tell someone they're dating. Then again, it's really a woman's prerogative to keep things like that to themselves, it's really none of anyone's business anyway.

For some it's better than having sexual frustration due to months without sex (being single can be a long process sometimes) and sleeping with someone too soon you like and actually want to get to know better.
 swingpup
Joined: 10/21/2006
Msg: 25
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History
dating VS just 'getting laid'
Posted: 12/31/2007 12:11:27 PM
Tom........Trust me there are a number of women that feel as you do. Not may women are going to indicate that here at least the regulars as their mail box would be full in moments.

Possibly I'm simply a lucky guy, however I don't believe that to be the case. I'm not good looking, and my last name isn't Trump. However, after being divorced for over 20 years I have met several women that I hook up with on a regular basis both married as well as single. Some have been "friends" for almost 20 years, some not as long, some only a few months.

"Dating" via doing the symphony, live theatre, dinner, etc., on occasion but to simply entertain, indulge and provide pure pleasure to these women is the general rule. They as well as I understand that this is certainly nothing close to a monogamous relationship or situation on either of our parts.

Reference the STD thing, a suggestion would be to obtain screening on a monthly basis (or what ever interval is right for you) for all STD's as well as HIV. Remember, if she can't pass the sniff test then make it "thanks but no thanks" and indicate why. Is it possible to contract an STD even with the sniff test and testing? Of course it is. It's also possible to be injured in an accident. The risk factor is up to each and ever individual.

Dating is great for those that have the time as well as those that are truly seeking a monogamous relationship. It's all different strokes for different folks.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 26
dating VS just 'getting laid'
Posted: 12/31/2007 12:46:05 PM

Women are held up to unrealistic standards. It is the whole madonna syndrom. We are supposed to be perfect. We certainly can't have a sex drive and if we do we are labled (to say the least). It is the old double standard. As I was saying, I can compartmentalize sex and feel the need I have to because of statements like what are said above (i.e., "men seperate girls they date from those they have sex with"). It would not be wise to "date" someone and also have the goal in mind of getting laid. The two just don't mesh. I seriously don't like holding out...especially with someone I like; but, women are actually put in that situation.

Yeah I like the way men think on this issue. They are horrified that they would get into a relationship/marriage with a woman who might be frigid and never give them sex, but they basically hope to stumble upon a virgin when considering someone long term and seriously. They don't realize (or don't care to) that a woman who's sexually expressive probably won't be a virgin, and that a virgin probably will be frigid or inexperienced. They can't accept that a woman who they have great sex with might have had sex with any other person ever (as women we know men have had experience and it doesn't phase us as much as long as it's in the past) which is where her experience comes from. Women actually have to walk this ridiculous tightrope. So yes, we do what we have to do, but there's VERY few of us who are gonna keep a journal on it.

Yes, I am speaking in generalizations and there are occasions when a man is truly interested and would consider sex special..no matter if it is the 1st date or the 10th. But, they really are few and far between. I wouldn't risk it. So as said above, there will be those I go out with for the intent to "date" and there will be to those I intend to lay. I will continue to keep that private...something a "date" will never know. It's not being a "player" as someone above said. It is just something some women find they must do if they want sex and they are looking for a potential relationship.

Yes...and BTW, a lot of men can't fathom that a woman can actually be doing both things at once. They forget we are multitaskers, in every sense of the word. We CAN give our undivided attention to the person we're with when we're with them, and we can separate our sex lives from our dating schedules if we want to. Men can too, but are much worse at keeping things in the air. The reason women seem more innocent is that we've taken a male task essentially and added a female twist to it. We're a bit better at hiding it (we're not geared to brag about it and have someone overhear), and we're less likely to be...um...suspected of it - there's no other way to say it.

Another example why "Friends" with benefits does not work. But, you don't need to be friends to get laid. Sometimes a so called friend just causes complications and leaves you confused and hurt. Also, there is the risk of falling into a relationship that was never the intent. It is not necessary to have some so called friendship to have sex. Yes, empty sex is unfulfilling...we know that...at best a temporaty fix..but, it is a basic need...just like what is said above. I don't advocate empty sex...lol.

I always looked at the "friends" as someone I know and trust. Becoming friends with someone while sleeping with them is more of an NSA situation. A true friend of the opposite sex is better for a woman, anyway - you can relax about where they've been and what they want, because friends are generally more honest about it.

But with FWB I don't think you are really considering how your "so called friend" is going to feel when you find someone else and you need to dump him/her. Friends don't dump friends. Friends with benefits is just another way of saying...hey I like you...I need sex and continuity... I am somewhat gutless and don't want to experience my sexuality... besides that society says I shouldn't...I am female and I need at least a guise of a relationship...there could never be anything more than sex between us...and when someone better comes along, we can't be friends anymore....okay?

Hopefully the "benefits" part should be mutual. Period. Both should be in a position where they don't WANT attachment, and they should both be honest about what they're capable of doing, what they're feelings are for that person and prepare to back out of it should feelings or expectations develop. I mean, most people ARE mature adults, they brush their teeth, work, keep savings accounts. Why is this the exception when it comes to responsibility?

Anyways, this is more related to why friends with benefits does not work. Again, this is my experience and those of others I know. Why kid ourselves....IMHO.

It's rare that it does, but only because people agree to them without realistic expectations. JMO
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 27
dating VS just 'getting laid'
Posted: 1/1/2008 11:59:05 AM

Ugly Betty: I respect and appreciate your comments. I think if someone can find a friends with benefits situation that works for them that is great. It is one way to make sex safer.

Absolutely, and as you say in the following paragraph, it takes people who are strong and absolutely know what they can and cannot handle to properly conduct such an arrangement.

But, more often than not one of the parties is not being honest with the other or themselves and ends up getting hurt. Generally, if this sort of thing is entered into it is because one of the parties wants to keep seeing the other and has some sort of attraction (at minimum). Actually it is usually more than an attraction to want to keep wanting to having sex with the same person. Usually one of the parties want to keep their options open and when the relationship comes to an end and someone is hurt.

Respectfully, I'd then say let's not hate or make the game a bad thing, let's put the responsibility in the hands of the players. Most of the population may not be able to handle something like this, but as adults they really need to do some soul searching and come to terms with the fact that it may not be for them, or that they may be in something that they need to back out of...maybe if more took personal responsibility for their states of mind, their places and abilities to be involved or know what they want, less people would get hurt and blame the other person without taking any part in what happened to them.

There are many different combinations and permutations with this sort of thing...but, statistically speaking I bet it doesn't work with most of the population. Sex really can be something very intimate and personal (even in a friendship situation) and when someone says they don't want it anymore because they found someone they like better it is going to hurt.....lol.

I am very capable of separating love from sex. Like chocolate and peanut butter I LOVE the combination but can appreciate each on its own. I can and have done the FWB thing easily because that's how I am wired. But even I know that if I start unexpectedly wanting more than what's going on, it's time to step back and reevaluate my actions and what I need to be in (or not). I'd end one if my feelings weren't conducive to what I was in, because that makes sense to me. Life changes, and we all need to learn to act accordingly.

I think women in particular are especially vulnerable to this. It doesn't make them weak. We just tend to be more nurturing and caring. Of course I am speaking in general. But, many do try to kid themselves into thinking...I can do this I won't form an attatchment....but, it happens...to both men and women. Sex will do that.

Women can be more vulnerable, but because of that they need to be more honest with themselves if they know it will cause them pain - rather than saying it's the root of all evil for everybody which isn't the solution, they need to realize that THEY aren't the types who can do it, but respect and appreciate that others can.

So in the end we all have to find what works for us.

That's exactly what I was trying to say. I couldn't agree more.
 tom42149
Joined: 11/23/2006
Msg: 28
dating VS just 'getting laid'
Posted: 1/5/2008 7:33:53 PM

Want sex? Call an ex?


That only works for the first 6 months of exdom. After 6 months ex's magically morph into "history".
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