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 nocalsingledad
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 3
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Dream killing relationshipsPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

He said that women were "dreamkillers" and were often responsible for holding a guy back from accomplishing his life long dreams because of fear that if the guy was successful,he would find another mate.One that was perhaps younger, better looking or better in the sack.In other words,he would "trade up".


Serial monogamists often do that so it is a reasonable fear for people who practice that lovestyle. Get rid of the old lover, get the new one. It tends to be what they do.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 5
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Dream killing relationships
Posted: 12/30/2007 4:53:15 PM
As usual, creative guy succinctly and aptly answered the question. Broward, you could have insisted on living in cities that advanced your career.

There is never a guarantee that your spouse won't do a Jekyll and Hyde thing. You choose someone with the same type of commitment level and a sense of maturity and responsibility.

As for your example of the starving artist, in many cases, the starving artist thing was okay for both when it was just the two of them. I think if you are looking for fame and fortune in a way that makes people starve today you perhaps should go it alone, or at least leave children out of it. And sometimes it is necessary to tweak the dream a bit to make it more realistic.

If you are with someone who holds you back from your dream or who ditches you when they become successful, you unfortunately hooked up with someone that was insecure and selfish in the case of the former, and was just selfish and shallow in the case of the latter. Hindsight is 20/20.

A friend told me that one of the big ideas he took away from a book about relationships was that most marriages or long term relationships start out with the people being in the same emotional place and they truly are happy with themselves and their partner. Then one changes/grows while the other does not. Whether it is highly dramatic or just recognizing one day that the two people are no longer in love, this explains to a significant degree, why LTRs fail.
 Bezoar
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 10
Dream killing relationships
Posted: 12/30/2007 7:35:12 PM
You have the "dream" for most of us down. Would love to have the wife and family thing.
Its just that just about everytime it comes to actually getting it, I always seem to be lacking the money or career needed to get the wife and family.

Your the first to see the nail from both sides of the board. Either way you look at it, your going to have to sacrifice a little. But normally the thing that gets the most sacrificing done to it, is the one you really cant live without.
what cant you live wihout? fame and fortune or a wife and family? thas what you have to decide for yourself and build everythign else around that goal in life.

Sadly id rather have the wife and family and bushel basket of kittens, then fame and fortune. But without a fortune to my name, no matter how good i am for a particular woman, thats the deciding factor in life.
 Change Of Pace
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 12
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Dream killing relationships
Posted: 12/30/2007 9:19:41 PM
This is an excellent thread...in my experience it's a matter of consideration and respect from both parties. The problem is that dreams shift...things change. Sometimes both parties can adjust to that and sometimes they can't, or won't.

I've always tried to encourage dreams--I feel that if I were responsible for someone giving up on what they dream of it'll be a point of resentment in the future.

Sadly, there are some dreams that are not achievable when you're together and there is no negotiation etc...
 nocalsingledad
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 14
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Dream killing relationships
Posted: 12/30/2007 9:24:17 PM
Sometimes people are not in live with *you*, they are in live with a scenario and you as an actor playing a role in that scenario. When they see you doing something that might cause you to drift out of that role, they will attempt to "direct" you back into it. Again, they aren't really in love with YOU (they might think they are) but a role they have created in their minds as who they want to spend their life with.
 SILady10306
Joined: 12/20/2007
Msg: 20
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Posted: 12/31/2007 3:16:25 AM
Don't get married till you get where you want to be...unless ofcourse, you both have similar goals.
 nocalsingledad
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 25
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Dream killing relationships
Posted: 1/1/2008 11:29:41 AM
The person with the dream is often susceptible to having that dream killed. They are often unsure of it or it is something nobody else has done before or it involves some kind of a risk of something. The dreamer is seeking a sounding board and validation. Often it doesn't take much of a "what are you, nuts?" from the dream killer to derail the dream. They can often do it for some odd reasons.

It could be from a basic pattern of self-destructive behaviors where they will naturally kill anything that promises to improve their situation and I can guess why women might kill dreams (both kill the spouses dreams and sabotage their own) more often than men for that reason. In a case where a man is a dream killer for a woman, it might have to do with social programming and what he was taught about gender roles in a relationship or social pressure from his peers. He might feel his friends or members of his family (Dad?) would make fun of him or think less of him if his wife had the more successful career but that is diminishing now in American society. There are other reasons too such as the original one mentioned ... fear of the dreamer being more attractive and finding another mate. Maybe the dream killer is afraid it will push them into new social circles that they don't feel comfortable in or "worthy of" and they want to remain at their current station in life.

A lot of people are afraid of risk and afraid of change. Following a dream often involves a good measure of both. And I, too, have helped someone realize a dream only to be left behind once they get themselves in a better situation but I had accepted that possibility beforehand.
 nocalsingledad
Joined: 11/27/2007
Msg: 30
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Dream killing relationships
Posted: 1/1/2008 1:01:23 PM
Back many years ago when the public being allowed on the Internet was a new idea, I was living in a rural area that had no ISP within local calling range. I spoke to a national carrier and arranged to get a T1 circuit, the first internet circuit that "big" ever brought into the county. I learned FreeBSD and then Linux. After all was said and done, I looked at what money I had and figured I needed just $10,000 more to make my ISP a reality.

Both the people I went to for investment told me "the Internet is just a fad, never going to amount to anything, remember CB radios?" (well, only one mentioned CB radios). I was heartbroken. I told someone else exactly what I had planned to do and I moved to Silicon Valley to pan some gold out of what I figured was going to be a tech boom once the Internet caught on (and was). The someone else I told of my plan back home was able to get the financing and set up an ISP and even added a phone company business too. Just looking at their website and the company is still in business (they even took the name I was going to use but not before I registered the .com domain ... they got the .net domain of that name).

In this case my dream killers were my mom who had some significant funds, and a local man of means who was always on the lookout for a good investment. It happens.
 thebevy
Joined: 12/2/2007
Msg: 36
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Dream killing relationships
Posted: 1/1/2008 4:37:59 PM
ps, it's spelled Leykis...
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 39
Dream killing relationships
Posted: 1/1/2008 5:25:02 PM

Envy is a vile emotion, a cold and relentless one, and it absolutely infiltrates relationships, not just business or acquaintanceship contacts.


Rory makes a succinct summation.

One of the core qualities IMO of a successful relationship is the support and nurturing of the two people in it. Whether it's business, friends, family or romantic, either person's successes and achievements are the other person's joy and celebration.

Hold someone back would be the furthest thing from my mind. I had the benefit of being raised by caring, nurturing parents who loved us all, cared for us, encourage, coached, advised and accepted what the children chose even if it wasn't what they had wanted. My parents were my cheerleaders, and I've found that to be an invaluable heritage, I celebrate, encourage, advise my children as well and support them even when they make their own choices that may not be what Mom would have preferred.

I am proud when my friends, family and business associates achieve, realize their goals, have attained success. And I'm honored that they choose to share it with me. I won't take any credit, although they're always lavish with it, as I did nothing but help them to believe in themselves. I can't help but do that, it's so entrenched in my nature. (Thanks, again, Mom and Dad!!)

I don't find it a burden when someone's going through a rough time or feeling discouraged and turn to me. I may not always have the words or some lovely slice of the sagest wisdom, I turn the mirror back on them and let them know that I have ultimate faith in them, their spirit and their abilities. IMO, that's what people really need and all that someone else can offer. And to date it's never failed, when the cloud passes and the sun shines again, I know I'll get that email/phone call or a child bursting through the door proud to announce they did it. That's the type of joy there are no words for.

I choose to surround myself as best as I can with people like that. It's an energizing, supporting and caring environment. Someone needs something, at the word it's there. I've given it and needed it myself and I only have to let it be known and it's there.

Hold someone back, I'd more likely be the one with the boot in their behind...in a good way. If someone has a goal or a dream, I'd be there, if it's something I can help with or get info. I wouldn't let them sit on their can or just blabber about it, I'd be saying go do it. Make it happen, figure out a way or find someone who can guide you to figure it out.

Sometimes, a soft, gentle "push" is all they need to put the wheels in motion.
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