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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton      Home login  
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 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 70
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competitonPage 11 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

the issue is simple.being friends with my ex-wife lessons the amont of girls who will be attracted to me,but increases the odds of finding the right girl for me.i can live with that.


ha ha.........yeah....You keep telling yourself that
 kezza79
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 71
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/16/2008 12:39:05 AM
ok this is my theory on this issue i have been with my man for nine months now and he is still friends with hes x witch is fine but i found out that she was in love with him still
so i am worried she is going to try something now i trust him anuff to stop her but the fact that she might try is what bothers me and then there is also the phone calls all the time her ringing him to see if he could take her down the shop or do something else for here now i think thats wrong
so my point is
1 you have kids with here so its good your friends for there sack
2 if your not spending every second with here and shes not ringing you every 5 mins using the children as an excuse i don't see how there is a problem with you being friends with your x
as i have a really close x boyfriend we message and chat every now and then
so i don't see how girls should be bothered buy that
sorry this is so long winded i hope it makes since
 ny_lady_13601
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 72
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/17/2008 9:12:40 AM
I dated a guy who said he was great friends with his ex and often went out with her because of the "kids"...ie family gatherings, picnics, school activities, etc... Turned out he was still very much married to her and no plans of divorcing.
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 73
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/18/2008 2:54:39 PM

i was fully prepared to remain single my whole life if that had to be the case.my friends are my friends.luckily for me i found a great girl who can think for herself.she is able to look at things in ways most cant.


Are you sure that she is "thinking for herself" or could it be................that she knows the X wife always comes first in your life? You have made that point crystal clear.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 74
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/21/2008 3:14:56 PM
I would think absolutely nothing of spending the night at her house if I just needed a place to stay or was having some kind of problem that I could not deal with or just wanted someone to talk to. However, so many people want to read more into the relationship than is really there. I mean...this woman comes to my place and hangs out for days at a time .




Being best friends with your ex wll allways cause problems for any realtionship as your SO wants to be the best friend, No SO will ever stand by and see you spend the nite at an exs place or will they stand by and have the ex stay with them.
You are divored and thier is a reason for that and if you cant break the strings that are attached to them the exs must think your SO is a dam fool. People have to deal with exs and more so when childeren are involded but they sure will never stay at my place get in and get the hell out i dont want to have to deal with him and if my SO felt the she had to spend time with hin ok spend all the time you want just get out of my life.
 smsweendoggy
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 75
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 5:01:40 AM
To be quite Frank with you Bob, you cant possibly believe a word of your b/s. Perhaps your lie to yourself in your sleep. You cant honestly believe that anyone else especially the female gender believe this hog wash either. Remember they come from venus your from mars .
I'll clue you in on what we do believe. Your ex and yourself are too insecure to let go and move on. Your afraid to risk that you cant have what you want ,which obviously isnt each other. Move on pal, take a chance , allow your next partner to get to know you with a clean slate instead of dragging your dirty laundry with you for her to wash.
 sin2gether2
Joined: 8/18/2007
Msg: 76
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 12:36:48 PM
I'm in total agreement with larissan04 on this.

I dated a man who remained "close friends" with his ex after she left him. They had 2 older teenage children. She was living with her new boyfriend. My bf helped her financially ... much more than was necessary. He went to her house to repair things. He bought her beautiful presents. They maintained many of the same friends so there was constant socializing in the same circles. He even forwarded an email exchange he had with her where she "approved" of me. gag Continuing over a few months, I couldn't handle it anymore.

I don't think these types of relationships are healthy even if there is no sex. There is far too much emotional connection in my opinion. I told the bf when I broke up with him that he needed counselling. I thought he had major unresolved issues with his ex and was unable to really let her out of his life ... and vice versa. A normal breakup means getting on with your life. Moving on.

Anyhow ... it might not be possible for you to sympathize with the new women in your life bamabob .... but it seems clear to me that you are not putting your priorities in the right place. The number one woman in your life should be your new relationship in order for it to be successful. Let the other one go.

Or maybe deep down you don't want the new one to work ....???? So you can continue to depend on your ex wife.
 aspiring_angel
Joined: 1/25/2006
Msg: 77
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 1:33:30 PM
Bob, please take this as gentle advice meant to help -

If you keep having the same problem, there comes a time where you have to admit the problem isn't imaginary. More than half of the women you've dated see your ex as a threat? She probably is! I know you don't believe it, but honestly, why would all those women see the same thing, if it weren't (in some way) true?

It's like the guy who keeps getting fired. He thinks he's doing everything right, works hard, comes in early nearly everyday - but yet, he keeps getting canned. There comes a time when he has to admit to himself, that *he* is the problem. Otherwise why would all these different people see the same thing and react exactly the same way?

Best wishes ~
 aspiring_angel
Joined: 1/25/2006
Msg: 78
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 2:06:50 PM
Wow that's a sad view of women you have passionandsong. I feel badly for you.

I do not see other women as a threat in my relationship, but then again, I have a strong relationship based on mutual respect. Many have never known such a relationship and have narrow views of the world and people.

I still say if a problem keeps happening over and over, the problem is you.
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 79
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 7:12:18 PM
In this regards I must sound like Urbanessa - Americans are SO lazy, physically and mentally. They want to take the EASY road to and out of, everything. Instant Gratification, dont want to work at or labor for anything, dont want to wait for the fruits of ones labors......this one failing is the basis for so many of Americas faults....but I digress -


Hmmmm.....What an odd statement that is^^^ especially coming from a man who himself is divorced. Did you take the EASY way out too..... Shea?
 _JAFO_
Joined: 11/9/2007
Msg: 80
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/25/2008 8:43:32 AM
After reading alot of the posts to this thread I've decided that you don't necessarily want to get everyones' opinions. You, for whatever reason, feel confident that your "best friend" and you should continue down the road you're traveling. The thread you created was to "fish" for opinions from people with like thoughts. You want someone who will agree with you so your actions are validated.

I hear over and over again that the best way to ruin a first meeting is by talking about ones' ex.

... try living it daily.
 kakleen
Joined: 9/24/2007
Msg: 81
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/25/2008 10:29:41 AM
Everything you said sound healthy and normal, but referring to her as your best friend does not sound healthy or boundaried. Maybe you should jsut watch your language and if the newbie flees, she wasn't secure enough to date you and handle your modern family.
 _JAFO_
Joined: 11/9/2007
Msg: 82
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/25/2008 10:42:16 AM
Bikeman (MSG. 246) ^^^ just expressed exactly what I was thinking. Why in the world would anyone want to get involved with someone who apparently not only thrives on his ex but boasts that said ex is their "best friend." I've found through observation that in a divorce, the person who didn't want the divorce ends up being "best friends" with the one who did want the divorce--if allowed. The one who DID want the divorce has long since moved on and has settled into a new relationship/lifestyle while the unwilling party continues to struggle and rely on the old partner for decisions and advise as if the relationship has never changed.

Get a clue. THE RELATIONSHIP HAS CHANGED.
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 83
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/25/2008 5:44:39 PM
if she was a she and i didnt have sex with her,would she be invited to the christmas table?


No. Why can't you just be happy with the woman you have in your life instead of creating all these little scenerios involving other woman? I am amazed that you have actually found a woman stupid enough to be so disrespected by you. Now .....go call your EX and tell her that someone was mean to you and she can comfort you and make it all better. Yuck...........
 jadegreen
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 85
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History
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/26/2008 3:00:06 PM
I think it is only natural and normal for a woman or man to be uncomfortable if someone is too close to their ex. Is great if you are friends, but you gotta draw the limits and also don't limit urself, because that can interfere with a present relationship and your only cheating yourself and you have to be considerate of the other persons feelings in a relationship.
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 86
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/26/2008 4:46:33 PM

i think what has happened here is that people believe that if you dont hate your ex you should still be with them.am i right?


Nope........wrong. I am friendly with my ex after raising 3 sons together and a 20 year marriage...BUT........ He is NOT my best friend nor do we spend nights together at each others homes, nor do I expect a new guy in my life to be his friend, and I don't want to be friends with the woman he chooses. That chapter is closed in my life. Period!! I don't hate him but I don't keep hanging on to the past either.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 87
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/27/2008 2:55:15 PM
Hey Bikeman, he did mention the kids in this.......... So wot you gonna do about that if he remains "best friend" wif the ex over the kids???? who is he gonna go to when he's not himself? a doctor or someone who knew him for years to talk things that bother him out?

Your statement here: If I were interested in a divorced woman and she told me her X is her best friend, I don't think I'd be interested in forming a romantic relationship with her. I'd look elsewhere for romance, and if she didn't understand my sentiment I'd explain it to her.



The OP all so said that he would stay at her place if needed and that she has staied at his place for days at a time, if some women feels she needs that kind of a realtionship with her F= up ex than she might as well stay with him , I for one would not not stick around if my SO was at her exs beckon call she is nothing but a losser in my book.
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 88
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/27/2008 3:48:23 PM
hey black.let me introduce you to white...look at that a match made in heaven.


*passionandsong.........Could you PLEASE have your girlfriend or ex wife teach you how to use the quote function? It is very annoying when you copy the entire post of another instead of quoting just what you are responding to.
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 89
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 3/3/2008 8:09:24 PM

I noticed the o.p. is now absent from this topic


Maybe his girlfriend read his posts about him still having a "thing" for his wife.
 arwen_30512
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 90
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 3/17/2008 9:24:02 AM
I am new here and I see I have a alot on this topic to read, wow so many posts.

However one comment stuck out so far, and I must admonish the poster, who obviously does not know what she is talking about nor is she educated in this field:

Tigerlily1 said ( to whom I dont know as she does not seem able to use the QUOTE function nor does she address her comments so we know who she is talking to):


Freud made a good point many years ago and it is applicable in making some evaluations but freudian slips, that would mean she had a sexual interest in the new wife and that is as sick as the rest of your post that I didn't bother to read.


My dear, please limit your comments to YOUR area of expertise and education. Freudian Slips are NOT limited to sexual inferences, where ever did you get that idea from? And Freud didnt make any comments years ago, he made them many DECADES ago. He died in 1939.

However, I am educated in this field, in fact I hold a triple doctorate and am a research scientist in this field. May I ask that you kindly refrain from making comments about a field you know nothing about? Your comments about Freud and Freudian slips was completely wrong.

Also, would it be too much trouble for you to use the QUOTE function as well? I have been on here a grand total of 4 min and have divined its intricate workings and committed it to memory already. When you read a post and then hit the REPLY button, no one but you knows who or what you are replying to unless you quote it or reference the post number. This makes it exceedingly difficult to know what your responding to.

I would like to have known what this post is your refering to, that in your opinion is an example of a "...very healthy woman who puts her childrens needs first...".

I imagine that I will find it by wading through all these posts, but it would have been easier if you had gone thru the mind numbing agony of using the QUOTE function.

Peace Be With You All

Lisa
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 91
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 3/17/2008 9:51:05 AM
I think its fantastic bamabob and his ex are best freinds.

Great points ALBINO dino: """"in a new and budding relationship, your priorities should be focused on your partner, your mate, your friend and lover. You should be willing to negotiate and focus on her needs, feelings and thoughts.

If life is about what is GOOD FOR YOU, then you will get exactly what you seek; yourself. If you have no room in your life for someone special, then you will have to make do with a lot of partial connections. (like your ex)"""

I agree, "boundaries" are few and far between for some people today (and I am no better). Basically, our boundries (?) are whatever we feel like, and that's not a boundry.

Hey BAmabob, if your ex is such a great friend, why aren't you married to her still?

Ok, well, if you ever again want a new GF and you want to keep your ex as a freind, try this: DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR EX SO MUCH. Geee's is that so hard to figure out? Are you that "weak kneed" or casual out the mouth that you can't be careful what you say?

I've noticed very few people really ever analyze this issue on the forums. Its whatever is convenient for them. I guess that's why our Govt has soo many laws, if there wasn't a law against everything, most people would think "I have no problem doing that, its fine, go for it, its the other people who are trying to control you" So we have to pass things LIKE SEATBELT LAWS AND SPEEDING LIMITS.

Yes, I know I can drive 90mph without my seatbelt on no problem, but is that the right thing to do? Of course not. Same with Ex's as friends........Esp BEST FRIENDS!

Hey Passion dog, don't let the doubters get you down, you are basically correct, althoug your grammar could use a little help....

"""'f you keep having the same problem, there comes a time where you have to admit the problem isn't imaginary. More than half of the women you've dated see your ex as a threat? She probably is! I know you don't believe it, but honestly, why would all those women see the same thing, if it weren't (in some way) true?"""

And this guy, whats up? """"Hey Bikeman, he did mention the kids in this.......... So wot you gonna do about that if he remains "best friend" wif the ex over the kids???? who is he gonna go to when he's not himself? a doctor or someone who knew him for years to talk things that bother him out?""""

DUDE!!! THE KIDS ARE 40 SOMETHING NOW! They don't need mom and dad at the school play or little league games anymore. How weird was that? Yeah, if the kids get married, Bamabob and the all the Ex's can show up (with some of their POF enablers, who can't say "no") and hug each other and chat about the old times......at weddings, and maybe Thanksgiving, etc.

edit....would someone please vote to delete TARASHEA's posts, that chick is driving me nutz with her ashinine dribble and post whoring.
 arwen_30512
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 92
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 3/17/2008 12:27:23 PM
I've been reading the posts in this topic, what a mess!

I'll address the latest one first, altho it may be off-topic.

aquariumecosyst said at the end of his post:


....would someone please vote to delete TARASHEA's posts, that chick is driving me nutz with her ashinine dribble and post whoring.


Fishtank, may I ask what is your specific objection to Tarashea? I have not read all through this mess yet, but a cursory analysis reveals that he is one of the clearer more logical thinkers on here, although somewhat caustic. A couple females as well echo his sentiments just as strongly, why no ire for them? One of the females even went so far as to say you fellows should grow some balls and a spine as regards to keeping your ex's around. How come that didnt bother you?

These are, of course, rhetorical questions, because as a doctor in this field, I already KNOW why Aquarium objects to Tarashea so much, I am just seeing if he has the character to admit it! I love playing with Mice!

But for what its worth, I vote to keep his posts on here, at least until I can read them all !

Bascially he's [ Tarashea ] standing on the Piggy's and seeing which one squeals! He strikes me as a very self-disciplined, highly educated, well read, logical scientific type. Probably been in the military as well. Why does such a Man annoy you so much Aquari?
 wallflower1
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 93
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 3/17/2008 4:35:45 PM
Sounds like you are still married. Maybe being lifelong friends killed your marriage as it should be. There is a thread on here that talks about whether it's better to be friends first.
You are enjoying all the benefits of a male/female "best friends"relationship with your ex. So what are you looking for in a woman? Sex? It sure sounds like there is no room in your life for a woman except as a sexual partner or as a "girlfriend" for your ego.
I dated a man once who had an ex hanging off his hip. She was his best friend, too.
Funny thing, I have seen more men fall into this when the wife kicked them to the curb for another man. He needs to have his ego blown up after such a terrible crash! She says all the things he wants to hear from her. "You will always be precious to me!" "You will always be my best friend!" "You are always there when I need you!"....on and on...He buys into this...feels superior to the shmuck that wife left him for. The guy is a schmuck for allowing his wife to spend days at her ex's. What does he have? Nothing...maybe some sex once in awhile from a wife who's best friends with her ex.
There is alot of power issues going on here...too heavy!
Me! I want the attraction factor , the chemistry and the best friends all in one package called my husband....and vice versa.
Ex's are meant to be ex's!!!!! Friendly? yes...Friends?...not particularly...Best friends?
NOT!!!!
 Aura*
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 94
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 4/1/2009 2:39:37 PM
If you're such "best friends", then why did you divorce??
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