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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton      Home login  
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 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 26
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competitonPage 2 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

I agree. I am friendly and cordial with my X but that is just way over the top. Too many available men out there without having to deal with that BS. I'd definately pass. Especially knowing that you run to her like a baby when things get tough. Yikes........Time to get that tit outta your mouth.


I quite agree with Diana. And it has nothing whatsoever to do with jealousy or insecurities as others have implied here. It has to do with the adult ability to achieve balance in all things. My ex is an ex because I no longer wanted to share his life... there were incredibly important things that we just didn't see eye to eye on. The eventual tear came after trying every other conceivable way to keep the marriage together. We didn't marry lightly and we didn't divorce over nothing. If we got along well enough to want to spend all that time together, simply put, we would have stayed together.

I would NEVER expect a new partner to play second fiddle to my ex and then go one step further to call my new partner "jealous, hateful and insecure" because he wasn't going to put up with my inability to move forward in my life.

I have, remained amiable with my exes but there is a big difference between acting like civil human beings and still longing to spend time together in our lives. The women that are coming and going from your life are giving you a message you can choose to hear or completely ignore. It really is up to you to decide what is important in your life.
 fra59e
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 28
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 9:55:07 PM
Gwendolyn says:
"If people put boundaries on one area of your life, they will put boundaries on other areas. I am too old for that type of silliness. "
.
Exactly. Unfortunately many American women (and men too) are conditioned to perceive others as competitors rather than as unique human beings.

And what I have to offer others, and accept from others, is not a commodity to be traded for or hoarded. I am not the New York Stock Exchange or the Chase Manhattan Bank, and I will not submit to being owned nor do I own others.

I am a free man, and do not concede to anyone the right to put boundaries on my life except those arrived at by mutual consent, creating a contract among equals. And once a contract has been made, I stick to it. And the people I admit into my life are those who know that I can be trusted to keep my contracts, and they keep theirs.

So I seek to be not just a free man myself, but to enrich my life with others who are likewise free, persons whose lives are their own. I do not put boundaries on others and I do not let others put boundaries on me, other than fulfilling the terms of whatever contract we freely entered into.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 29
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 10:43:42 PM
Hey... Bethlett is a very smart cookie... so I definitely know she's onto something and always worth listening to with lots of hidden messages in her humor.

Funny how this thread has followed it's path tho'. NOWHERE have I said a thing about sleepover parties, being intimate with the ex, or having a girlfriend who would play second fiddle to her. Some appear to think my ex is running thru the door all the time like they're watching reruns of REBA... She may bring her fishing rod up here 3 or 4 times a year and I may see her when the family gets together on holidays. I simply don't see the selfish or territoriality issue some of you seem to have injected into my post. Maybe it's because of your own problems that you are on this site yet some are hinting that I can't or do not have successful relationships when in fact the serious LTR's I've had ended because of issues that had absolutely nothing to do with my family and for the most part my relationship with my ex has been very positive in the LTR's with the exception of the last one. Looks like some people are already in "BASHING MODE"... (I'm still trying to find that button on my computer)... weird how this crap gets going in one direction then falls off in a crack. .... if I push the "BASHING MODE" button twice will it turn it off?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 30
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/25/2008 11:30:05 PM
Many people are not going to understand this type of relationship because they do not make the kind of effort you two did for your kids and they also hold so much enmity for their ex that they never get over it.

There are people that can deal with this. If an individual is secure with the relationship you have built they may be initially a bit uncomfortable but my take on it is that the discomfort is their issue and they need to deal with it. I would love to have a similar friendship with my ex because it would be so much better for the children than the emotional upheaval he still seems to thrive on.

If she were perhaps unmarried or the husband was not involved in the relationship you have it might be a bit more difficult on a new woman but seeing the whole dynamic I would think would put someone's mind at ease. You have already discovered that it is possible to have a relationship and the woman be okay with it, you just need to find the right woman.

Trial, the fact that the ex is his best friend does not mean he has no room for someone else. I have two best friends, one of them is male and one is female, and as I have numerous other people in my life that I also care for, I bet there is room in my heart for another person.

Bethlet may as the OP recognizes, hit on what might get him to the point that a woman wouldn't be threatened by this situation by making sure he is not setting the ex on a pedestal that the new woman feels she cannot compete with. In trying to be forthcoming, you may be freaking people out a bit.

And in what universe do our children stop needing loving parents when they are adults? These children graduate, they have weddings, births, all of which are more pleasant when the divorced parents get along so that everyone can enjoy the day rather than waiting for something to erupt. I would rather have an SO that is close to the ex so that I can enjoy myself at the family gatherings than waiting for the Jerry Springer crew to arrive.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 31
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/26/2008 12:14:14 AM
there they go again............... and she pulls out the "playin house" card.... Luv it when I see this stuff...
how does she know whether the kids are out fishing with their mother or not?
"Another women does not want to walk into that bee's nest"... ha ha... funny.... several have and it has only been a problem for those who have not met her or have a clue what the real deal is... about as insightful as your post...
I love the humor you have provided .... need any fuel for that flame machine ya got there?
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 32
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/26/2008 1:04:09 AM
Well bamabob i would have thought you get the idea by now the women dont stick around that should give you a clue. If my gf said she was spending the nite at her exs iwould tell go ahead and just stay thier for ever. These lady are trying to get something going with you but not compete with your ex. if you need your ex so bad in your life good idea just stay single and sticj by her and quit playing with these ladys they will not come in second fiddle.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 33
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/26/2008 8:57:55 AM
DAAAAANNNNNGGGG.... and here comes another one....

The last woman didn't stick around but 4 1/2 years. I've yet to spend the night at my ex's house. The ladies are not second fiddle if they're in my life. I simply refuse to be cruel or rude to the mother of my children or to treat her any less than with the respect a mother of my children should deserve. As long as she does not interfere in my home or in my relationship(s) she is as welcome here as any other friend I have. I see absolutely nothing wrong with respecting other people.
 oggers
Joined: 5/10/2007
Msg: 34
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/26/2008 9:11:13 AM

ALBINO DINO... the boundry IS STATED... she is no closer than a sister...just a friend. As for running to her when my heart has been shattered... maybe for conversation but not running to bed. I'd run from her if she even suggested that I get any closer than we are. I totally enjoy it when she shows friendship with a girlfriend of mine


OP - you should get a badge with that on it , and wear it all the time , coz these ladies sure dont think thats whats gonna happen

and neither do I ..... !
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 35
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/26/2008 9:42:07 AM
I would say that the ex does in some way interfer with your realtionships when you feel the need to talk to the ex about other things than childeren than with your gf. 4 1/2 years you were lucky.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 36
What I have learned from this thread.
Posted: 1/26/2008 9:53:16 AM
One thing for absolute certain.... no matter how good something is there will always be people who can find negatives in it. Here are some people who have heaped praise and have lauded us for all the good in the friendship my ex and I have salvaged from a marriage that wasn't meant to be. It has been something admired by many yet ridiculed by others. Some people are so steadfast in their boxed in world that they believe that there is only one way to live or to act and that only their way or their beliefs are right. Getting out of their box and seeing that everything does not have to be specifically prescribed. What is commonly accepted as the way things are supposed to be can be changed and made into something very positive and good is very difficult to comprehend when they are bent on their mindset of established rules. Some see that old things will stay old and can not be made into something new and totally different while others see that it can be re molded and reshaped to take on a completely new form that serves a purpose far greater than when originally made. It is unfathomable for some to see that because two people do not mesh in ways that allow them to live together that the trust, respect, and friendship can not remain or be revived without intimacy as if a man and woman can not be friends without sex. Granted, it is not for some but then we all have things we are taught and deep scars and prejudices which interfere with our acceptance of other people and other ideas. For many it's easier to throw away old acquaintances that no longer fit out ideals yet others see how to keep the value of past relationships in tact while trimming away only the part that is unacceptable. In order to continue my life and this worthy friendship it is not necessary to change my life in any way but it is extremely important in how the relationship is introduced to a new acquaintance and the approach is the key. Not only must I be vigilant in my approach but also I must be assured that my ex presents herself in an inviting, pleasing, and acceptable manner to any prospective partner.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 37
What I have learned from this thread.
Posted: 1/26/2008 11:13:03 AM
Thanks Beth... very kind of you to point out many things in that post. For sure, I have enjoyed the variation of opinions here. Much of what you say relies on your definition of "BEST" as if it carries exclusivity with it rather than being open to inclusion of others in my closest circle of friends. In no way is she on my mind 24/7....and it is correct that a recent event prompted me to post this item for discussion. It became a dealbreaker when a lady picked it out of all the myriad of things she learned about me so that it became an item she found as unacceptable. In my opinion she was looking for a way out so that she could excuse herself and continue on her own path without the interference of a relationship as she pursues a business interest. However, I probably should not have chosen the phrase "best friend" as we are only close friends and in no way does this relationship cause any exclusivity to me other than the fact that I will not immediately close a door in her face or put up a wall only to allow someone else in my life. As for "best friends"... to use that term as others have interpreted it .... there are no best friends in my life as there is no one who rules out others all the time. At any given time one person is going to be more important than another for whatever reason... so... I guess you could say that my "best friend" is the person I'm with, speaking to, or just out right screwing and having totally wild and unfettered hedonistic sex with at the time.... or could it just be mere semantics?
Beth.... luv your input..but then heck, I love everything about you... I'm easy....and only mildly flirtatious...
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 38
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/26/2008 12:07:28 PM
Thanks A.D. ... then you do understand what I'm talking about... but our relationship isn't even as close as your's and you're best friend... no way would we sleep together and I don't think I would want to see this woman naked... 30 years ago she looked fine... not at all today! We're just friends...period... and it's a friendship that I would not want to interfere with just to date a woman. I just feel it is a poor excuse for a woman to use my relationship with my ex as an excuse not to date me....and very poor judgment on her part. Basically, anything said in these forums can be and frequently is picked apart. Pretty cool tho to see the variations in how people think but crappy that many have no original thought of their own and just play follow the leader. That is one good reason not to read every single post in a thread before replying.... avoid the influence of others and speak one's own mind rather than just agreeing with a post or expanding on off topic innuendos. I kind of get a kick out of the pitiful grammar, misuse of then/than and several other common errors... but they have such strong opinions. It is the common persons opinion which I seek because I have to deal with common people in real life and open minded intellectuals are not always going to be around to educate them when my position does not allow me to. Yet, amazingly enough, even open minded intellectuals do not follow the same road and frequently play the oneupmanship game just as well. People simply fascinate me but critters are easier to get along with and understand.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 39
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/26/2008 1:27:22 PM
Thanks Claire... I think we are in complete agreement on that...except I think you take your relationship with your ex quite a bit further than I do with mine. We draw the line at "friendship" and family. My only problem really has been that a couple of ladies I've talked to have a mindset such that they have a "no-ex" rule and they know nothing but zero tolerance. For them, it's a deal breaker and I feel they are reacting more out of ignorance than out of fear.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 40
What I have learned from this thread.
Posted: 1/26/2008 1:54:52 PM
Beth your post was right on i just dont know how to say things but its right on.
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 41
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/26/2008 2:16:25 PM
I just feel it is a poor excuse for a woman to use my relationship with my ex as an excuse not to date me....and very poor judgment on her part.


Maybe she just didn't like you OP.......... and that was the *perfect* excuse to end it.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 42
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/26/2008 2:29:51 PM
Nah Diana... everything was hunkie dorrie until I put out too many details about my ex... really taught me to keep my mouth shut. I think lots of people get all pumped up about getting a dated then decide it's too much hassell and back out from fears that creep in. Myself, I kind of live on the edge and like to bite the bullet and jump. I've gone out with big fat ugly women before and had a blast. Over analyzing and writing rules is for dummies who have nothing better to do than look for petty faults in others... it's self-made failure.
 Zeanah59
Joined: 9/25/2007
Msg: 43
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/26/2008 2:31:25 PM
BamaBob....I also am dear friends with my Ex husband. We did it to make it easier for our children at the time and for our own sanity. We are still dear friends now that our children are adults. I will not change being a friend to him. I respect him and love him like a brother. He fathered my children and will be around when my grandchildren arrive someday. This has all worked for the good of our family. He had a heart attack at an early age and I was there with him and my children. I offered to help him recoop, but he refused. He respects my privacy and he knows our boundaries.

However...I do explain this to any potential dating partner. So far it has not been a problem for me. The one thing I DON'T do is talk about him often nor do I need him in my life frequently. This is also out of respect for my dating partner. Once I have entered into a long term relationship, he is introduced and everything usually goes well. In fact, he has sat and drank a beer or two with my significant other ,when visiting the kids.

I wouldn't allow any man to pressure me into no contact, but I in turn would not be making him a routine of my daily life. I know myself...I don't mind my man's Ex being a part of his life, but I sure do not want her up his A$$ 24/7 or him running to her for every little thing. I just think there is a line not to cross out of respect for your partner.
 Cueil
Joined: 11/13/2007
Msg: 44
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/26/2008 10:17:18 PM
That was so funny Solarpanel... It's true... I just lost one potential relationship because my ex still lives in my house (that will change with income tax return). While our relationship is violent to say the least we will back eachother up if there is need... she has a boyfriend who is perfectly fine with the situation... I guess I'll keep looking or maybe I've already found her and haven't relised it yet.. *shrugs* I feel for you OP and I think that if you say your ex is family then the boundry line shouldn't exist like all these people keep saying... family comes before a lover every time... at least untill you fall in love then all the rules get thrown out the window
 Sweet J-me Baby
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 45
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/26/2008 10:23:54 PM
I think it is great that you can maintain a friendship with your ex and be friends with her current hubby. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Here's a couple of things that you said that kinda told me you have more than friendly feelings for her, regardless of what you are trying to tell us here.


but to change my whole world just for a date or even a serious relationship is ridiculous.


Okay, if your ex is still your whole world, you should not even waste another woman's time.


Hey. My ex wife is my BEST friend. She is always going to be my BEST friend.


I would think that if you had a current relationship, that woman should become your best friend. Her husband is her best friend, not you...sorry, but that's probably the way it is. Be friends with her, but you need to find a new best friend. You may end up very lonely if you don't.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 46
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/26/2008 11:38:52 PM
J-me... now just how in the hell did you manage to twist that into my ex being my whole world?... that's stretching it totally out of socket.
Best friend... yep.. one of them but for sure I can count on her to be there when I need her (I'm not talking about sex... I'm talking about a friend, just like a close relative).. and YES if I were with a woman in a relationship she would be a notch above my ex...but BEST friend is not the equivalent of Girl Friend, Lover, Wife, Life Partner... all those things.... I'm talking FRIEND... seems there is a huge amount of confusion here between a Very Nice Chevrolet and a high dollar sports car/Ferrari... When it comes to jumping from friendship to companion I see a quantum leap involved.
 Cueil
Joined: 11/13/2007
Msg: 47
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/27/2008 12:21:56 AM
it's amazing the diffrence of opion ... I think it's cool... others don't..
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 48
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/27/2008 5:00:41 AM
...but BEST friend is not the equivalent of Girl Friend, Lover, Wife, Life Partner...




Boy i dont know where you are from but my wife was all of these but most important she was my best friend, I could talk about any thing with her even things i wouldnt talk about with my male friends. How do you think it all happened we started as friends than best friends than a wife and all the others, you dont loss a friend because she becomes your best friend and you dont loss a best friend when they become your wife she is all of them not just one.
 fra59e
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 49
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/27/2008 12:36:10 PM
I think the underlying problem here is that American women are conditioned to compete with each other like commodities which the males are supposed to be shopping for. The unhappy situations and ruffled feelings disappear when people are able to see themselves and each other as autonomous individuals capable of making free choices and accepting the consequences of their choices, and respecting the right of others to do the same.

There is really no need for men to be considered hunters and women to be prey. Or women as prizes to be won in a contest. Personally I will not get into that stuff, I do not compete for a woman's attention and have found my life enriched by plenty of really attractive women without working on it too hard.

And when in a relationship with a woman I take pleasure in introducing her to attractive men of my acquaintance, and have never had cause to regret this. People who are possessive make themsleves and others miserable and should face the fact that slavery is ended; no human being owns another human being.
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 50
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/27/2008 1:14:10 PM
Thanks Cueil...and others. For sure, one thing I don't want to do is get into another relationship with a woman who has a chip on her shoulder and doesn't allow me to just be myself. To hell with having to walk on egg shells all the time. I don't need people in my life who hunt for reasons not to be happy or hunt for reasons to make me miserable. Funny tho' how many here have jumped to conclusions and injected or inferred things that are not in my statement or in my life...lots of lame azz assumptions... humans never cease to amaze me.
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