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 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 51
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competitonPage 3 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
Alone for 25 years because you want to be best friends with your Ex? Doesn't sound like you are getting what you need. You are far too deeply involved here.
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 52
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/27/2008 3:35:19 PM

. Myself, I kind of live on the edge and like to bite the bullet and jump. I've gone out with big fat ugly women before and had a blast.


Wow.....What a *great guy*.
 junipermoon
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 53
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/27/2008 4:08:28 PM
i'd probably avoid dating someone who says he maintains a close friendship with an ex-wife.

i simply like having my throat intact.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 54
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/27/2008 11:46:51 PM
Funny tho' how many here have jumped to conclusions and injected or inferred things that are not in my statement or in my life...




You are the one that said she is one of your best friends and that it was easier to talk things over with her than with one of your SO
 nebula22
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 55
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 1/29/2008 8:37:45 AM
My ex and I are also best friends. with benifits as well...
I sleep at her house and she sleeps at mine as well.
We have been friends since we was children...
She knows that I am looking for my soulmate..
She also knows that when I find my soulmate things will change...
I will give my all to my woman just as I did when I was married to her.
I only hope that the next one will be honest with me and not cheat on me.
Any woman that thinks she is better than I am or anyone else is in for a surprise...
We are all human beings and no one is perfect..
This doesn't mean that I will accept a woman just because she wants me...
I'm not that easy to catch..
If a woman wants to catch me , she will need to be able to bring something more to the table than her arse...
Intelligence,, True inner happiness,, Love of nature and all things..
These are but a few of the things I am looking for in a woman.
 lar8947
Joined: 2/1/2008
Msg: 56
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/5/2008 3:34:58 AM
my ex is my best friend, nothing more nothing less. good for all mostly the kids
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 57
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/5/2008 3:12:50 PM

Why do some people immediately think that if you're friends with your ex you are either (a) a nut case; (b) living in the past; (c) still in love with your ex; (d) a complete loser who can't move on with his/her life; or (d) all of the above.


*You need to read the Opening post. This was way beyond a friend with an x. I am also friends with my x. I can call him for anything, and vice versa, *But.........We don't have "sleepovers", nor has our friendship jeapordized any new relationships, and I would not classify him as my "best friend". He is asking the question because this *Has been a problem and we are simply stating the reasons.
 tnt144
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 58
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/6/2008 12:13:04 PM
Bob... keep your mouth shut for the first two months about your Ex when talking to a new prospect.... after two months of dating, when a new woman is in love with you, then you can tell her... at that point, when she is hooked on you, she might get mad but won't leave. I want to make a point here that I am not talking about lying, just don't offer unnecessary information... if she asks, tell her a joke and she will forget the original question... but don't tell lies either. In other words, be tackful... especially in the beginning.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 59
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/6/2008 4:13:19 PM
Agreeable, friendly, no drama, wants what's best for the kids, that is great. Best friends?
 BamaBob
Joined: 11/12/2007
Msg: 60
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/10/2008 5:12:24 PM
It seems that what most people here have the biggest problem with is the term "BEST" friend. Maybe we all have to come to some agreement as to what BEST FRIEND means. I can only tell you that this is one person who has always been there to talk to me or just to touch bases with or to call and check on me from time to time. It does not mean we are sleeping together or that I put her before all else in life. She's just a friend and someone I can trust and have always been able to....despite that in the past 25 years there have been several women to come and go....but this one friend is still there and does not interfere in my relationships. She is the one person that my ex-wife got along with best and a couple of the ladies I'ved dated were good friends with her...even giving her special trinkets for Christmas gifts. She is a part of my life and I do not see why I should give up a friend or change who I am to satisfy a woman in my life. It just seems so immature and childish to be jealous of someone that is only a friend.
 Captain Incognito
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 61
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/11/2008 3:22:12 PM

Just recently had a girl decide not to even meet me after we had become very close via IM's, emails, and phone calls. Of course, you experienced guys know that ANYTHING can be made into an excuse when a woman gets cold feet. And there are many women who have experienced the same. The problem I've had with at least 1/2 of the women I've met recently is that they refuse to accept the mother of my children as being one of my very best friends and that there is absolutely nothing going on or ever will go on between us. We've been life long friends and to me it's like she is an undesirable sister that I sometimes feel sorry for. Her husband and I are good buds and get along fine and our children really love the fact that we do have such a friendship. I would think absolutely nothing of spending the night at her house if I just needed a place to stay or was having some kind of problem that I could not deal with or just wanted someone to talk to. However, so many people want to read more into the relationship than is really there. I mean...this woman comes to my place and hangs out for days at a time (I live on a lake where it's good fishing and the type of place that people love to come to visit just to be here). Her husband pays no attention to it and is fine with it. There is absolutely nothing going on between us other than old friends. We give each other good bye hugs after family Christmas parties and do not hide those. Most people find it hard to believe that we get along the way we do and our friendship has gotten in the way of several possible relationships. My past experience and serious relationship was strained and practically ruined because she didn't want the ex in our house. However, since that time my ex has become more important to me as a family member. I'm now feeling that if some woman doesn't want me associating with her in the manner I've chosen then it's the same as if she doesn't want to associate with my family at all and this woman is a part of my family and we take great pride in being able to have this kind of friendship. One girl I dated met her at a few of the family get togethers and they became very close friends and still call to check on each other from time to time or just chat. As a matter of fact, I didn't burn that bridge either and that girl is still a good friend also but simply not one I'd want to spend the rest of my life with..... so... what say you?


Nooooooooo. My ex is also a good friend (We get along better now that we're broken up). We just realized that we were not happy with each other at around the same time and we were able to talk about and the breakup was more of a "Phew, I'm glad you're not upset" for both of us. This is the person that has been there for me and I was there for her for 13 years of our lives. That's more than a third of it for each of us. We also have a kid together. We have been living under the same roof for the last two years since we've "separated" while we get rid of our joint debt (this is a huge issue for a lot of women even considering me as I have found out). This summer, I am getting my own place. The divorce should be going through (Again, it's taken this much time, just because I wasn't rushing in to get in to anything and my health plan was good so it was just one less expense to worry about for her so that money could go to the debt).

I still plan on coming over for more than just "visitations with my son" It's going to include dinner at the end of the day when I drop him off.

So, I understand what you mean. Personally, I don't want anyone that insecure that they can't accept my friends as just friends. It just means I'm not trusted.
I'm not going to make them like her. But at least be respectful of my friends around me (That would go for any of my friends if they're my ex or not).
 Urbanessa
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 62
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/11/2008 6:28:33 PM
My best male friend also is an ex of mine. They are exes for a reason, and if there was still something going on they wouldn't be the ex. New SO's being jealous of exes are just acting immature and ridiculous, and I certainly wouldn't give up a lifelong friendship with an ex for a person I've only just met. Those jealous newbies should get some self-esteem.

I am actually expecting my new partner to be on friendly terms with his exes, too. People who are not talking to their exes any more or talk trash about them raise red flags.
 Captain Incognito
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 63
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Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/11/2008 7:27:28 PM
You're too nice OP. You need to learn things like hatred and resentment and pretend you've got a baggage filled unsolvable emotional itch and you can't stand your ex. That's the normal way to go. What's wrong with you man? You just can't go through life maintaining happy relationships like this. You're making others jealous. That's what it is.


I think you're not far off from the nail. Maybe it is that they are jealous that you don't have the emotional baggage. I know if I had a problem that I felt couldn't bring to my new partner (ie: the problem was with my new partner). I would probably talk to my ex to see if I could do anything different from the boneheaded things I did with my ex. I trust her not to try to jerk me around. I wouldn't call my ex my "best" friend, I would hope that my new partner would be that. But she is a close friend.

And Smiley

My responses were MY opinions ONLY. OP put up a post & we're all entitled to our own opinions & beliefs. I also practice what I preach - I wouldn't do to my partner what I wouldn't want him to do to me! Also, did you not READ CLEARLY OP's post - his decision to maintain his friendship with his ex is causing him to lose out on relationships

What if your new partner said you couldn't hang out with your "BFF" or what ever you call the person you hang out with the most when not with your partner. The person that has been there for you when you've had bad times. The only other thing I can think of is that you're an introvert that doesn't have any friends and you blame the world for this. That maintaining any sort of long term relationship is difficult for you because you can't open up to anyone.


Um..no.......The best thing for your kid would have been to stay together and work on the marriage.......not divorce and use your child as an excuse to keep seeing each other

yes, living with two depressed, unhappy people that fight all the time is a wonderful enviroment to grow up in. No thanks. I did it as a kid. Lets just say my parents are what I use as examples of what not to be as a parent to my child.
 Urbanessa
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 64
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/15/2008 9:52:10 AM
Tarashea, that is an incredibly immature point of view you're having there.
I agree, an ex that has moved on from being a spouse to being a friend does mean that there are emotional ties. The sort of emotional ties that you have with friends.

Following your argument emotional ties with each and every person other than your current spouse should be cut. No family. No friends. No acquaintances whatsoever, because you have emotional ties with all of these people.

What people like you need to learn and understand is that the friendship feelings you share with eligible exes does not interfere with the romantic love you share with your spouse. Quite the opposite. And I will be damned if I would throw away the friendship and trust I've built with an ex just because we don't longer live in the same house or don't make love any more. Just because the romantic and physical part of the relationship haven't worked out over the long term doesn't turn the ex into a bad person that needs to be abandoned. Quite the opposite: People that turn their backs on their exes just because of a break-up act immature and need to sort out their priorities. What did you call it? RUN don't walk away from those people. Exactly my sentiments ... Certainly I would never turn my back on a friend (ex spouse or not) just because the new person entering my life is having a maturity issue.
 Urbanessa
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 65
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/15/2008 10:52:04 AM
@cocytus:
A mature person should be able to distinguish between "friendship" and "hung up on the ex". And a mature person should trust in his or her spouse to do the right thing.

Insisting on abandoning exes seems very junior high to me.
Or maybe it's just very American. I often feel that Americans tend to confuse "relationship" with "ownership", and I often see that friendship with anyone of the other gender seems to be a taboo over here as soon as there is a spouse entering the picture. I remember a former colleague's wife throwing a major tantrum because her hubby and I had dared to go to the museum together during lunch break. Married men were not supposed to engage in any sort of activity with women they're not married to. Very immature attitude.

And why would you be uncomfortable around your spouse's ex? I can't find that understandable at all. Keep in mind that the ex is an ex for a reason - if your spouse and her ex would still want to be together they wouldn't have broken up in the first place. That they have broken up means that there's no more interest in a romantic way. So why feeling uncomfortable around him? I don't get it. And, like I said, I am friends with most of my exes, and one is my best male friend. He's certainly no "threat" to any man I am interested in, nor am I a "threat" to his girlfriend. We respect each other and are on very friendly terms. And why wouldn't we? We're grown women.
 Nanzie
Joined: 5/8/2007
Msg: 66
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/15/2008 11:44:12 AM
I agree that strings are still tied too closely with your ex... Being friendly and cordial is important when you have had children together, but you do need to sever the "Best Friend" relationship, or you haven't truly moved on. Any smart woman will realize the bond which you and your ex shared (I believe you form a bond with anyone you have had sex with, and especially stronger when you have had children with them), was something very special, and to keep one foot in, yet one foot out isn't going to set well with a new woman. Just like the Bible says "a man needs to leave his mother and cleave to his wife"... even more importantly, a man needs to leave his ex-wife (not just sexually) in order to cleave to his new one. If you can't release yourself from the emotional ties and strong friendship with your ex now, what's to make a new woman think you ever will? I wouldn't last with a man who couldn't cut those strong ties with his mother, either, much less an ex-wife! (I don't mean to an extreme here, I just want to be the one he runs to for advice, comfort, support, etc, rather than his mother.)

You would be wise to first of all, not use the term "Best Friend" in regards to your ex again... cut a few of those ties, and when you do meet a woman whom you are truly interested in, mention your ex as little as possible, but when you do, refer to her as your children's mother, not as your best friend. Over time, your new woman will realize you and your ex have a very cordial relationship, and if your ex is warm to her, she'll not be threatened by that... but that will evolve in time. You'll keep getting the same results if you keep doin' what you're doin'!

Best wishes....
 Urbanessa
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 67
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/15/2008 1:04:32 PM

MOST people who aren't together anymore...stay far apart unless there are financial or familial reasons to be together.
As I stated..not doing as such is a rarity.

That might be true for your immediate surroundings, but it certainly isn't the case in my surroundings. In my world people manage to move from relationship to friendship. And since "my world" is naturally dominated by non-Americans and since I've never met a person freaking out about exes being close friends other than Americans I assume that that is a very American way of behaviour. On my planet people are able to do the friendship thing, and I find that the right (and only) way to go. To me it seems immature as well as a waste of time and effort to throw away trust and friendship only because the romance part doesn't work out.

All of my exes are wonderful men - smart, funny, successful, caring - great personalities. They are an asset to anybody's life, and I enjoy their company, their opinions, our conversations. Why giving that up just because we're no longer holding hands? I yet have to be given a reason why anyone should abandon a formerly romantically loved person as a friend.
 Urbanessa
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 68
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/15/2008 1:42:06 PM

Urbannessa -

Tarashea, first of all you might want to get your spelling straight. It's "Urbanessa", not "Urbannessa", and spelling a name correctly is a matter of respect - which you seem to have some issues with as your bizarre point of view on exes reveals.

Wow, I can see I hit the nail squarley on the head as regards to you! You are obviously one of the aforementioned women who think that having a train of single men from failed relationships in your life makes you Enlightened, Urban [ hence your name ], Cosmopolitan, Worldy, and (choke), Mature.

You're as wrong as a person can possibly be about the name. Other than what you're displaying here I consider myself worldly and well-travelled, yes, and that is because I am well-travelled. "Urbanessa" is an hommage to my favorite city in the world, though, where I happen to have lived for twelve years and where I still have an apartment.


Well it indicates alot of things, and none of them flattering.

Well, apparently you consider insulting others mature. I find that immature - and extremely unflattering. Guess that is my alien point of view...


As you can see from the posts and replys, you are in the minority here Urbanessa with your dysfunctional views on having ex-intimates around.

As you might want to consider - great minds have always been a minority anywhere in the world, too. Mensa members are a minority. Award-winners are a minority. Medal-winners are a minority. Being a "minority" does not make a person or their point of view "dysfunctional".


It is a psychological abberation to not be able to make a complete break with your ex's beyond the perfunctory cooly civil contact to administer the needs of joint children. No one said you had to HATE your ex, but there is no good reason to be buddy-buddy with them either. I dont HATE all the people in China, but neither am I in contact with them.

And that is your loss. It is also proof that you're somewhat narrow-minded. You might want to open up a little bit and familiarize yourself with China. Or Russia. Or Somalia. Or any other place outside the U.S. since a good look above the rim might help you to adjust your priorities.


And exactly how is it that a situation is so catastrophic as to tear assunder your marriage but leave the "friendship" unscathed? Explain that to us Urbanessa, I cant wait to hear this rationalization!

I have explained it twice already. Maybe you need to work on your reading abilities as well as your understanding abilities? Couples usually split up because the romantic part of their relationship doesn't work out. Only a low percentage of couples actually split because things are "catastrophic" as you put it. And if things were bound to be "catastrophic" - why would they date - let alone get married - in the first place? In most cases the romantci love just dies so they separate. But that doesn't mean they can't be friends.


As regards to your last paragraph, I said nothing of the sort about not having family or friends around, what sort of education do you have that you got THAT out of what I said?

Again, you haven't read or fully understood what I wrote. Read again and try to follow: I said that the emotional ties that you have with exes that are "friends" are the same emotional ties that you have with any of your "friends" - ex spouse or not. So if you demand to cut ties with exes that are friends you should demand to equally cut ties with all the other friends, because you're having the same emotional ties (the "friendship ties") with them.


One of the basic axioms of civil discourse Urbanessa, at least here in Un-Enlightened America, is that you DO NOT tell other people what they THINK, FEEL, or SAID. I will do the telling as to what I said and meant, not you. And "I" did not say anything similar to what YOU said I said.

Well, go back to what I wrote. Your argument to cut ties with exes that are friends isn't logical at all if you don't demand to equally cut ties with all other friends.
My point is that people should look at the situation as it currently is. The shouldn't look at the past. So if the situation is that you're currently friends with an ex, then you're looking at a friend. Why does it matter that this friend might have shared your bedroom several years back? The past shouldn't be more important than the present.


What I said was that if a person has a new bf/gf who is "friendly" with their ex that there is a > 60% that they will end up back in bed again. This percentage increases to over 90% if your new "love" has a opposite sex buiness partner, an opposite sex workout partner, or an opposite sex best-friend/confidant/roommate. This is RAW Data and statistics Urbanessa, valid statistical modeling data, and it does not vary because YOU do not agree with it. YOU dont have to agree the Earth is round, but it does not change the FACTS either way.

Well, give me the source of that "data" and tell me exactly how it was retrieved.
I call that "data" unbelievable in every meaning of the word. I certainly have no interest whatsoever in making love to any of my exes, and I never have. And, interesting enough, in my world people most are friendly with their exes without hopping into their beds.


If your EX is still around you in a chummy manner, then he is around because of several pschological dysfunctions of yours [ and his ], or because you ( or he ) are keeping him around with the future intent, conscious or not, of ****ing him again.

That is utter rubbish.


And as regards to your dim view of America and of Americans, if you dont like it here, and people are oh-so-more-mature and enlightened whereever it is you come from, why dont you return ? Maybe there are more travelled worldy men over there - I mean every psychologist knows that it is travel and worldliness that define the worth of a man, yes?

Who said I didn't like it here?
Just because you have an immature attitude towards your exes and seem overall to be somewhat narrow-minded and self-centered in your statements doesn't make the United States a bad place to be.


Shea

Shea? Isn't that a butter? So based on your bizarre interpretation of my user name - does "Shea" mean you're pure fat?
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 69
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/15/2008 3:23:01 PM

I agree, an ex that has moved on from being a spouse to being a friend does mean that there are emotional ties. The sort of emotional ties that you have with friends


A true "friend" would want their ex spouse to be happy in a new relationship and would not want do anything to jeapordize that. There is such a thing as being civil to each other without injecting yourself into an x's life everyday. Sometimes it's best for all parties involved to *Move on and stop living in the past. It's OVER for a reason. I'd hate to think I was that desperate for friends that I would feel the need to horn in on an x's life just because we had a sexual relationship in the past and I have problems living my life without him.
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 70
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/15/2008 3:25:46 PM

the issue is simple.being friends with my ex-wife lessons the amont of girls who will be attracted to me,but increases the odds of finding the right girl for me.i can live with that.


ha ha.........yeah....You keep telling yourself that
 kezza79
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 71
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/16/2008 12:39:05 AM
ok this is my theory on this issue i have been with my man for nine months now and he is still friends with hes x witch is fine but i found out that she was in love with him still
so i am worried she is going to try something now i trust him anuff to stop her but the fact that she might try is what bothers me and then there is also the phone calls all the time her ringing him to see if he could take her down the shop or do something else for here now i think thats wrong
so my point is
1 you have kids with here so its good your friends for there sack
2 if your not spending every second with here and shes not ringing you every 5 mins using the children as an excuse i don't see how there is a problem with you being friends with your x
as i have a really close x boyfriend we message and chat every now and then
so i don't see how girls should be bothered buy that
sorry this is so long winded i hope it makes since
 ny_lady_13601
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 72
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/17/2008 9:12:40 AM
I dated a guy who said he was great friends with his ex and often went out with her because of the "kids"...ie family gatherings, picnics, school activities, etc... Turned out he was still very much married to her and no plans of divorcing.
 Diana619
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 73
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/18/2008 2:54:39 PM

i was fully prepared to remain single my whole life if that had to be the case.my friends are my friends.luckily for me i found a great girl who can think for herself.she is able to look at things in ways most cant.


Are you sure that she is "thinking for herself" or could it be................that she knows the X wife always comes first in your life? You have made that point crystal clear.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 74
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/21/2008 3:14:56 PM
I would think absolutely nothing of spending the night at her house if I just needed a place to stay or was having some kind of problem that I could not deal with or just wanted someone to talk to. However, so many people want to read more into the relationship than is really there. I mean...this woman comes to my place and hangs out for days at a time .




Being best friends with your ex wll allways cause problems for any realtionship as your SO wants to be the best friend, No SO will ever stand by and see you spend the nite at an exs place or will they stand by and have the ex stay with them.
You are divored and thier is a reason for that and if you cant break the strings that are attached to them the exs must think your SO is a dam fool. People have to deal with exs and more so when childeren are involded but they sure will never stay at my place get in and get the hell out i dont want to have to deal with him and if my SO felt the she had to spend time with hin ok spend all the time you want just get out of my life.
 smsweendoggy
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 75
Ex wife is best friend but women see her as competiton
Posted: 2/24/2008 5:01:40 AM
To be quite Frank with you Bob, you cant possibly believe a word of your b/s. Perhaps your lie to yourself in your sleep. You cant honestly believe that anyone else especially the female gender believe this hog wash either. Remember they come from venus your from mars .
I'll clue you in on what we do believe. Your ex and yourself are too insecure to let go and move on. Your afraid to risk that you cant have what you want ,which obviously isnt each other. Move on pal, take a chance , allow your next partner to get to know you with a clean slate instead of dragging your dirty laundry with you for her to wash.
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