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 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 51
Would you be in a poly relationshipPage 3 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

Namrael and Jayderaven, what you don't understand is that when you talk about jealousy to the people involved in it, that prolongs your jealous feelings. There is no way to talk it out of your system, since jealousies breed jealousies. All you are doing by "talking it out" is prolonging your jealous feelings and blinding yourself to the real problem: polyamoury isn't natural. If you think it's natural, then why in the world are polymourous relationships in the minority? Think about it!


Clearly, I've given it more thought that you have. Have you ever attempted to work through a feeling of jealousy instead of trying to make it go away as quickly as possible? Sure, jealousy doesn't feel good, but it's a very useful emotion in pointing out areas that need work. It's not a matter of talking it out necessarily, it's a matter of discovering what the underlying issue is and addressing that however it needs to be addressed.

Gay and lesbian relationships are in the minority, but that doesn't make them any less natural to the people who are oriented that way. It's similar with polyamory.


IMO, it's wrong to purposefully make people jealous, and that's exactly what someone did to you to get you into your first polymourous relationship. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that you had one or more monogomous relationships before you switched over. And, probably some were bad. Maybe very bad. Well, if my hunch is right, then someone approached you while you were disheartened, and told you that they like having polymourous relationships. You decided that they weren't willing to be in a monogomous relationship with you, so you decided to compromise and do it their way. Sound about right??


Nope, sounds completely and utterly off-base, actually. I did find myself in an unexpectedly polyamorous situation, and was surprised to find that I was truly okay with it--I cared deeply for both other women my later-to-be-boyfriend was with, and discovered that when I am treated well by a partner, it's not problematic for me if he's with someone else when I'm not there.

I had one monogamous relationship before I came to identify as polyamorous. It was long-distance, I was at college and he wasn't, and I remember developing a serious crush on a boy at school (while I was infatuated with my boyfriend), and wondering why I couldn't date the boy at school AND the boy at home, since it didn't seem like they'd interfere with each other. I didn't go there because I knew the boy at home wouldn't have been okay with that or understood. Discovering polyamory felt like finding the ideas that fit into my life already, and the ways I wanted to relate to partners, without the sense of possessiveness found in so many monogamous relationships.


I don't blame you for wanting to see what polyamoury was like. But, tell me this.... if that first person you were with (I'm guessing he had other partners and but you didn't, other than him or her) in a polyamourous relationship, who sucked you in had been willing to be with you (and just you) wouldn't you have been thrilled and gone for it? I know that whole scenerio is just hypothetical, but the point is that I don't think you would have chosen polyamoury over monogomy in the beginning if you had been given the choice by your would-be SO. I could be way off, but if you're anything like me, then I think you would have prefered monogomy over polyamoury that first time.


I think it's clear I'm nothing like you. I had an open relationship, and still felt like I was coming out to my boyfriend in telling him that I didn't think I'd ever want not to be polyamorous. He might well have been willing to be just with me, but I didn't want that.


I haven't read books on it myself, because I would never seriously consider it, but for those of you who are thinking about it, educate yourselves so that you what you're getting yourself into.


Do you see what you just said? You're telling other people to educate themselves on a subject about which you've clearly never educated yourself. You're certainly entitled to your opinion on the matter, but please know that you are not well-informed on this subject and have very little understanding of how this actually works.


A general question: I think that a lot of cult members are in polyamourous relationships. Is there a connection?


Really? Is that just a feeling you have, or do you actually have some source for that assertion?

By all means, if you don't want a polyamorous relationship, then don't have one. But your views on the subject are steeped in ignorance.
 Diagoro
Joined: 2/11/2010
Msg: 52
Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 2/26/2010 7:02:31 PM
Namrael, the reason I asked the question about cults is because I don't know the answer, and I prefaced my question based on 4 cults that I've heard of: (Free Love, Koresh, Jim Jones, and that weird UFO one which I don't know the name for), and based on those cults it's 100% common?? There are other cults like the Moonies, Scientology, AA, and Dahn Yoga, where to the best of my knowledge, polyamoury isn't part of their religion, but usually it is in the ones that make the news.

As far as my qualification to talk about this subject goes... I am booksmart on the topic of LTR's, and have read many books on the subject. You may think I'm a hypocrite for telling people to read about a subject that I haven't read about (polyamoury), but it's still good advice whether I'm a hypocrite or not. And, did you notice that I didn't ask you to read books on the subject (or at least I think I didn't... I don't have the post here in front of me).

I think you mentioned that you don't like the possessiveness of monogomous relationships. IMO, you are just as possesive of your SO's in your polyamourous relationships as you were in monogomous... the only difference is that there are more of people involved now and that they all have sex with people other than you.

"Have I ever tried to work through jealousy instead of making it go away as quickly as possible?" Yes and no. When I realized that one of the reasons I had strong feelings for T was that I was in a love triangle with her and her boyfriend, I backed off and blocked them from my life, because IMO there is no way to end a love triangle, and I don't want to be involved in one. You on the other hand are in a "love triangle" (maybe with more than three people), and you choose to stay, because you are "okay with it". Love triangles are great in the movies, but (IMO) way too stressful for me. Oh, and the "underlying issue" behind jealousy won't go away for you or anyone, because the underlying issue is that people are wired to be in monogomous (or serially monogomous) relationships. Polyamoury is a learned behaviour, IMO.

The fact that you gave thought to having two SO's at the same time before you were in a polyamoury relationship suggests to me that neither of them was the right one for you if you were willing to settle for both. If anything I'm guessing that you have trouble in confrontational situations. You would do well to think about that.

-D.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 53
Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 2/27/2010 5:23:00 AM
Diagoro:

Okay, so you have a few examples of cults with polyamory involved, and a few without. I don't think you can seriously draw conclusions about polyamory from that.


As far as my qualification to talk about this subject goes... I am booksmart on the topic of LTR's, and have read many books on the subject. You may think I'm a hypocrite for telling people to read about a subject that I haven't read about (polyamoury), but it's still good advice whether I'm a hypocrite or not.


Actually, it isn't. Polyamorous relationships function differently in some ways from monogamous relationships. Based on the comments you've made here, you're clearly ignorant of polyamory in general, in addition to hypocritical, so I don't know what basis you have for deciding your advice is good. You've made sweeping and untrue generalizations about polyamory in general, and some hugely off-base assumptions about me and my experience with polyamory.


I think you mentioned that you don't like the possessiveness of monogomous relationships. IMO, you are just as possesive of your SO's in your polyamourous relationships as you were in monogomous... the only difference is that there are more of people involved now and that they all have sex with people other than you.


And your basis for this is. . . what, exactly? I'm certainly less possessive of SOs in polyamorous relationship in that they're free to have other romantic and sexual relationships. There are guidelines that people will have (in my poly relationships, those have usually centered around open communication and barriers involved in sex), but it's not the same thing. There are plenty of monogamous relationships where people aren't possessive and both parties just want to be with each other and that's the end of it, but possessiveness is generally more accepted in the monogamous paradigm.


"Have I ever tried to work through jealousy instead of making it go away as quickly as possible?" Yes and no. When I realized that one of the reasons I had strong feelings for T was that I was in a love triangle with her and her boyfriend, I backed off and blocked them from my life, because IMO there is no way to end a love triangle, and I don't want to be involved in one.


That's fine. I'm not saying anyone should be polyamorous--it's not for everyone, and those who don't want to do it, shouldn't. I'm not sure, however, how this relates to the idea of working through jealousy; hitting a deal-breaker in a partner's behavior is not the same thing in this case.


You on the other hand are in a "love triangle" (maybe with more than three people), and you choose to stay, because you are "okay with it".


Actually, I'm single, but thanks for playing.


Love triangles are great in the movies, but (IMO) way too stressful for me.


1) Again, if you don't want poly or find it too stressful, then don't do it. It's that simple.
2) I've never been in a love triangle; I've had polyamorous relationships where there may have been outside involvements. It's a different dynamic.


Oh, and the "underlying issue" behind jealousy won't go away for you or anyone, because the underlying issue is that people are wired to be in monogomous (or serially monogomous) relationships. Polyamoury is a learned behaviour, IMO.


Actually, I HAVE worked through the underlying issues involved when I've been jealous. Polyamory wouldn't work for you because you're wired monogamous. That's fine, but it's not universal. The same way homosexuality is natural to gays and lesbians, but would be "learned" for someone wired heterosexual, so is polyamory natural to those people who are wired that way, and foreign to those who aren't. Some people truly are oriented that way.


The fact that you gave thought to having two SO's at the same time before you were in a polyamoury relationship suggests to me that neither of them was the right one for you if you were willing to settle for both. If anything I'm guessing that you have trouble in confrontational situations. You would do well to think about that.


This is more than a little presumptuous of you. I've been in happy, loving relationships where I was also interested in other people. The fact that there are people in happy "monogamous" relationships who also get interested in outside attention suggests that fewer people are wired for monogamy than many people think, but there's also a huge cultural bias in favor of monogamous relationships. It's hard to go against that or, for some people, to realize that there are alternatives that are ethical and fair to the people involved in them.

Confrontational issues? Sorry, but you're way off-base on that one. I'm a pretty damn communicative person, and being in polyamorous relationships was also incredibly good for honing my communication skills and helping me learn to bring up issues as soon as they arise.

I think you're pretty closed-minded on this issue and would do well to give some thought to the fact that people are different, and not everyone should live their lives the way you'd like to live yours. You would do well to think about that.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 54
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Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 2/27/2010 6:40:35 AM
On a purely physical level, it sounds like fun, but I know women, and dealing with one dyslexic personality is enough craziness for me!!! Multiples would be positively mind-numbingly confusing...
 valleyguyaz
Joined: 11/13/2008
Msg: 55
Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/3/2011 10:36:40 AM
i'm open to being in a poly relationship.it would depend on several factors.

i think i'm mature enough at my age that i could handle it as long as everything is open and upfront from the start.
 sddude
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 56
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Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/3/2011 4:21:04 PM
I have been asked to be open to that and I tried that, I found out I could not do that feel so guilty and evil hahahah
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 57
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Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/3/2011 4:24:31 PM
Of course y'all are speaking of a polyandry relationship, right?
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 58
Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/3/2011 5:13:47 PM
I know people who are, and love it, and lead a content fulfilled life.
They are just as happy as a couple in a happily commited monogomous relationship are.
Definately not for everybody, but people who do like it, good for them.
I wouldnt do it, simply because i prefer to be the one and only in a mans life when we are together.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 59
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Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/3/2011 6:36:50 PM
Have 2 men attend to my every need? Sure why not, I'd never have to pump my own gas again!
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 60
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Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/3/2011 6:56:16 PM

I had one monogamous relationship before I came to identify as polyamorous. It was long-distance, I was at college and he wasn't, and I remember developing a serious crush on a boy at school (while I was infatuated with my boyfriend), and wondering why I couldn't date the boy at school AND the boy at home, since it didn't seem like they'd interfere with each other. I didn't go there because I knew the boy at home wouldn't have been okay with that or understood. Discovering polyamory felt like finding the ideas that fit into my life already, and the ways I wanted to relate to partners, without the sense of possessiveness found in so many monogamous relationships.


Interesting post. It gets me to thinking, though, that perhaps the problem is the need to have to label everything. Perhaps you are simply not suited to a committed relationship. There is nothing wrong with that, even if some suspect that there are reasons behind it. For many, the road to what you call polyamory is simply acquiesing that they don't feel special enough to be "the one", all the while refusing to address that feeling. After all, why would those who live that lifestyle truly be any different than the masses? The truth is, they are not. Those who engage in relationships not emotionally beneficial to their well being often excuse those relationships due to their feelings of inadequacy, no? Think "but I know he really loves me" whilst sporting a black eye. What, after all, is the difference between "being honest" about cheating, allowing someone to cheat by giving it a new label and pretending it isn't happening? There is not much difference at all, and I do believe that it is nothing more than a name given to excuse what is otherwise unacceptable behavior. Bottom line, to each their own, but please don't pretend that either side of this fence grows greener grass. People remain what they are at their core; lifestyle choices are mere coping mechanisms.
 ferfoxache
Joined: 2/4/2011
Msg: 61
Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/3/2011 7:05:12 PM

.If not why would you not.

I don't think I could handle two, old, senile, people where I have to change depends, or try and juggle multiple family members that tried to help and I knew they had absolutely no support for the relationship choice we made.

I don't think I could watch 2 people I intimately care about wither away and die, or see one die, and watch the other wither and die because the other died, and there's nothing I can really do about it.

I don't think I could handle being in a relationship with someone and having a third person die, or leave, where we are both simply miserable, dealing with the same depression.

I really couldn't handle it if I was the ahole of the relationship and any kids don't really see me as a dad so much as that guy with mom and dad, or arbitrary to two mommies.

I don't think I could handle very well being rejected by 2 people at the same time.
I don't think I could handle alliances or teams being formed or potentially being seen as the lesser of at least 3 people.

I couldn't handle not having my needs met at all if one of the other people had slightly greater needs than my own so I was ignored or marginalized until later.

Having a poly may double the joy, maybe halve the load, but it seems to me it would more likely triple or quadruple the pains over time.

I know I would not seek out a poly relationship.
I would have to think more about it in different ways if I was already in a committed relationship and they felt they needed to add someone.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 62
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Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/4/2011 7:49:33 AM
I was in a poly relationship. It evolved over time, starting as polyandry (2M, 1F), adding a female (so 2M, 2F), then for a long time was 2F, 1M. In all the arrangements, it worked very well for all of us. The core relationship still exists and thrives - the other participants moved on to other relationships, and are still friends.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 63
Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/4/2011 8:08:15 AM
What for?????
If you are making your relationship all it can be, why would you long for more?
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 64
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Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/4/2011 8:29:48 AM

What for?????
If you are making your relationship all it can be, why would you long for more?


On the other hand, why not? Share the joy. Some people are totally content in a monogamous relationship, and some people want something different or something more. Neither is wrong, and IMO, if approached ethically and openly and with full knowledge and consent of those involved, all options and variants are good.
 bodypro8ra
Joined: 1/24/2011
Msg: 65
Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/4/2011 8:52:19 AM
I was in one once, when I was 16. My girlfriend and her sister in law. They shared the same apartment. My girlfriend was twenty and the sister in law was younger. I don't remember, but I think 18. This was in 1970-'71? I had been having sex since I was thirteen with different girls. I grew up in certain environments where promiscuity was common.

Why and how it happened is more than I want to bother relating here. It was heady stuff for my sixteen year old ego. I didn't know anything about poly anything. I didn't even realize that that is what it was until I just read the title of this thread just now.

I ended up drifting away from both of them. Without an official break up or even goodbye that I can remember. And no, I wouldn't do it again. Over twenty years later the girlfriend contacted me while I was living in Vegas. Her health was ruined with some mystery ailment and she was trapped in a bloodless marriage. She was looking for something beyond irretrievable. I took a vacation from my job at State Line to visit my parents in
Vancouver and I took the boat to Victoria. It was sad, seeing her again. You can't go back, but sometimes you try anyway.

Edit: I am not interested in a poly relationship again and in fact being on pof this past month since I broke up with my girlfriend; being in these forums, which I am addicted to, I don't think I even want a mono relationship at the moment.
 FyrKrakn
Joined: 2/21/2010
Msg: 66
Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/4/2011 4:47:47 PM
I am in a non-traditional relationship, open to interpretation with the details being no great secret but still divulged on need to know basis, and it works for me. Best of all worlds. High requirements for good communication, honesty, sincerity, consideration, etc., Basically all the same requirements that any relationship needs to succeed, but quite a bit more exagerrated. I mean, these are fragile things, people who can't or don't want to communicate and live with brutal honesty, people who cannot open up, emotionally, they just won't do well in a non traditional relationship, or any, I suppose.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 67
Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/4/2011 5:53:00 PM

I was in a poly relationship for several years.

It was not my preference, but the man involved was a fascinating and highly intelligent person. If I had insisted on a traditional relationship with him I never would have known him or benefitted from his knowledge over the course of several years. While I was de-facto monogamous with him, we had a sort of "don't ask, don't tell" policy initially because I struggled with his lack of availability. I was encouraged to see other men, and eventually there was some "overlap" between the two relationships and I decided to pursue a more traditional form of relating to a man.

In the end I found it actually made me a more confident person in a round-about way. Both during and after the poly relationship, I rarely experienced jealousy towards other women in dating scenarios. Probably because I was forced to relinquish a lot of those feelings in order to succeed and enjoy my time with him.

Cheers

That's interesting to me. I view "poly" very literal, in that the parties live in the same household. Although, I do believe "open dating" relationships may be considered "poly" by many. I have not been in one myself, however, after reading ^^^^ I guess I could have been considered to have been in one ~ sort of. Because of my "lifestyle" of choice, I was with a man who was a cuckold to several married women. Their husbands both had a voyeuristic interest, their wives fulfilled their needs by having sex with the man in my life. At that point in my life ~ I knew I was not capable of a long-term commitment, as that particular man would have preferred, and although I did not date or sleep with others. I didn't feel anything like jealousy knowing he had his life away from me. I know where the quality time was spent and who he cared for and still does, almost 8 years later. He wasn't cheating, he wasn't sneaking, he wasn't lying to anyone, nor were any of the other parties involved. In my eyes, we were not any label, although I did call him my BF at times and he, to this day, he calls me "Bella." It just never occurred to me to feel envious of his activities outside of his life with me. I guess, I too ~ grew to become much more comfortable with my own self through him and to this day, jealousy has no place in my life. If it's straight up front with me in the beginning, I have the right to opt to stay and live x, y or z way or to not do so. Maybe if all people were this honest, there wouldn't be so much rampant cheating....just my thought on that note.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 68
Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/4/2011 6:05:00 PM

That's interesting to me. I view "poly" very literal, in that the parties live in the same household. Although, I do believe "open dating" relationships may be considered "poly" by many.


I looked up "polyamorous" and it is defined by dictionary.com as:


pertaining to participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships


which would not require that the parties live in one household. If a household had one female, two males, it polyandrous; the opposite, polygamous. I don't know what the term would be for households of two men/two women, etc.

I could be polyamorous, but I would have a hard time living with so many people. I like my space.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 69
Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/4/2011 6:29:55 PM
^^^ I stated that I personally view polyamory very literal ~ due to those I know personally ~ who are "poly" ~ are living so as a "lifestyle" preference and are indeed, living in the same household. An "open marriage" or casual/open dating, to me, is not polyamory ~ simply people being with multiple partners without lies/cheating/sneaking. None would be my personal choice, but I don't take issue with anyone who opts for their own path in anything they do with their personal lives.

Polyamory as a lifestyle
Separate from polyamory as a philosophical basis for relationship, are the practical ways in which people who live a polyamorous lifestyle arrange their lives, the issues they face, and how these compare to those living a monogamous lifestyle.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory#Forms_of_polyamory

(Unlike polygamy which is illegal in the US, much like bigamy, poly-amory can be a married couple who add "sister wives" with no legality through the traditional sense of marriage as viewed in the US.) However, if you view this map:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legal_status_of_polygamy
it's not at all uncommon nor illegal in MANY other places.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 70
Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/4/2011 8:06:35 PM

(Unlike polygamy which is illegal in the US, much like bigamy, poly-amory can be a married couple who add "sister wives" with no legality through the traditional sense of marriage as viewed in the US.)


I suppose that we all run in different circles, but the polyamorous people whom I have known haven't involved just one man and several women, but people who have "relationships" with more than one person. But being pagan, the lifestyle is not associated with the Christian ideology of one man/several wives: it has to do with the lack of sexual prohibition and the removal of equating sex with sin--which isn't to day that there are not lots of pagans who practice monogamy.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 71
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Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/4/2011 11:00:08 PM
I don't know anyone who has ever made it work over a long period of time. All the people I know who have gotten into it have either split up or eventually gave it up.

"Open marriage" became popular for awhile in the early 70s. Of course, the couple that wrote the book ended up splitting up. It seems to be having a resurgence among young folks these days. When I tell them I watched many people try but they couldn't sustain it, they point to couples that they say are making it work. But none of them have been at it for more than two years and often they will point to couples who have had these "open" relationships for maybe six months.

I passed up the opportunity to hook up with a married guy who is in a "open" marriage, though the deal is he only does it when he's on the road away from his wife and they have a don't ask, don't tell policy. He was going to be at an out of town event I was thinking of attending. It would have been a real hassle for me to go but I was really smitten by the guy. However, mostly he was going to be occupied by the event, we'd have very little time together, and then he'd get to go home to his wife and kids and I'd go home alone. I thought, no, I don't think it's worth it. Too frustrating. I think part of the problem, as I see it from the point of view of a single person who would like a relationship, is that a lot of these couples are married people who are committed to each other but occasionally want to bring in someone for some variety. They've got a thing going together and you're an extra in their movie. I want the real thing.

I don't see myself doing it but under the right circumstances . . . you never know. With the right guy and the right woman, it could be okay.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 72
Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/5/2011 6:01:19 AM

I passed up the opportunity to hook up with a married guy who is in a "open" marriage, though the deal is he only does it when he's on the road away from his wife and they have a don't ask, don't tell policy. He was going to be at an out of town event I was thinking of attending. It would have been a real hassle for me to go but I was really smitten by the guy. However, mostly he was going to be occupied by the event, we'd have very little time together, and then he'd get to go home to his wife and kids and I'd go home alone. I thought, no, I don't think it's worth it.


I don't see this situation as polyamorous, but rather a married guy getting a little on the side. How I have "seen" polyamory work is when all partners are cognizant of the situation and know each other. True polyamory (in my opinion) is cognizance and consent on the part of ALL practitioners. Otherwise, it's just cheating.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 73
Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/5/2011 6:31:49 AM

I don't know anyone who has ever made it work over a long period of time. All the people I know who have gotten into it have either split up or eventually gave it up.


Most of the monogamous relationships I've known about haven't worked long-term. Monogamy must almost never work, right?

Anecdotes=/=data, though for what it's worth, I DO know many poly relationships that are working long-term, where people are raising children together, etc.


I think part of the problem, as I see it from the point of view of a single person who would like a relationship, is that a lot of these couples are married people who are committed to each other but occasionally want to bring in someone for some variety. They've got a thing going together and you're an extra in their movie. I want the real thing.


This is fundamentally different from poly. Open relationships typically don't allow for multiple romantic connections, simply multiple sexual ones. Poly involves openness to multiple romantic relationships (or in closed poly, a relationship with more than one person).


I don't see myself doing it but under the right circumstances . . . you never know. With the right guy and the right woman, it could be okay.


Also notable: There are a TON of different structures for polyamory. The one you're discussing--a triad situation--is but one of them. None of my poly relationships have been triads, but lots of people do enjoy them. There are many, many different forms polyamorous relationship structures can take, at any rate.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 74
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Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/5/2011 4:21:10 PM
I don't see this situation as polyamorous, but rather a married guy getting a little on the side. How I have "seen" polyamory work is when all partners are cognizant of the situation and know each other. True polyamory (in my opinion) is cognizance and consent on the part of ALL practitioners. Otherwise, it's just cheating.

If one has permission, then where is the "cheating"?

I'm aware that there are lots of variations that people call polyamorous. There's a poly discussion group in town here, a friend of mine is part of it, and in my brief conversations with her about it I've learned that there is no single definition. What they have in common is some sort of accommodation that allows for emotional and/or sexual involvement with more than one person.


Most of the monogamous relationships I've known about haven't worked long-term. Monogamy must almost never work, right?

Well, half of marriages in the U.S. divorce and a large percentage of married folks have an affair at some point. So, yeah, I agree with your point. Still, me personal experience over the years is that people in "open" relationships are even less successful.


Also notable: There are a TON of different structures for polyamory. The one you're discussing--a triad situation--is but one of them. None of my poly relationships have been triads, but lots of people do enjoy them. There are many, many different forms polyamorous relationship structures can take, at any rate.


I don't dispute that. My observation, though, is they tend not to be very long-lived. That's all I'm saying.

I *do* live in the Midwest, of course. Who knows what y'all are doing on the coasts?
 damassteel
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 75
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Would you be in a poly relationship
Posted: 3/6/2011 9:06:50 AM
This situation was offered to me recently. I declined. It just didn't feel right, even though I was assured that they both knew how to handle things so as to not cause problems.
My issue is ONE woman with a healthy"appetite" is about all I can handle. To say nothing of the emotional mine field it potentially presents...naw...not for me.nope.
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