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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Loving hard, but not getting that love back?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 TitusBreast
Joined: 3/18/2007
Msg: 26
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Folks love you, or they don't...no big deal. Their big loss in the end. What else can I say? Love, Titus
 str8ahd
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 27
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/30/2008 6:18:03 PM

You just have to learn to put in in a safe place in your heart and not retreive the memory until it is a pleasant one and does not hurt so much.


I put it way at the back of my underwear drawer with the granny panties and old birthday cards.

Seriously, though, I did not try to change the guy. I changed for him, but it didn't matter how much I became what he wanted, he always wanted something more. I left. I had to go back to myself.

I feel sorry for him because I think his problem is that he can't love himself and that's why nobody else can ever love him enough.
 acapellafella
Joined: 12/24/2007
Msg: 28
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/30/2008 10:07:10 PM
For over seven years I wrapped my entire life around her hopes, dreams, projects, emergencies, and whims... and in the process I gave up almost everything that was important to me (besides her). Then one day she decided she needed to be unfaithful, for "spiritual" reasons... so I had to give her up as well.

Never again. Never give up your own life to try to please someone else.






O/S:

" I was married at 16 and divorced at 21 "


So, lessee... then that was about 5 years ago, right?
 oldsoul
Joined: 3/10/2007
Msg: 29
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/30/2008 10:10:20 PM
^^^

You smooth talker you...lol!!


On topic...

Sometimes, to love someone means you have to let them go...

:(
 acapellafella
Joined: 12/24/2007
Msg: 30
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/31/2008 9:38:59 PM
^^ Hey... where's that cute hat? I was just getting used to that.....
 Blk_Archangel7
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 31
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/31/2008 9:41:28 PM
if I'm loving hard but not getting the same love in return, I move on.
 msflis
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 32
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 1/31/2008 10:11:09 PM

They have draped their dress over a corner of your heart which you can never reclaim.


Love the poetry of that line, Aurora, but I don't think it's true. It is your heart, and you can rearrange the drapery however you like. Just takes a while to learn how to do it delicately without tearing the pretty parts...

On topic, after I tried everything I could think of to make it work despite the disparity in devotion, I told him I couldn't see him anymore. And I don't think I tried to change him at all, but I sure did try to change the depth of the love (like) he felt for me. One of the hardest lessons ever: You can't MAKE someone love you.

it took less than a year for me to be grateful I wasn't able to convince him. In the long run, he wasn't right for me--and not just because he couldn't or didn't love me the way I loved him. If he had, I believe it would have added up to even more heartbreak eventually.

Ever since then, I've tried my best to look at any pairing with realistic eyes as well as rose-colored glasses, making sure we're both ready and able to move in the same direction together. If that's just not there, I've learned the most loving thing you can do sometimes--for someone else as well as yourself--is to say farewell.

--Ms. Flis
 gracelesslady76
Joined: 12/31/2007
Msg: 33
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/1/2008 6:23:04 AM

OP, my experience is the person is awfully difficult to remove from your system. It's not your pride that you let go of, it's the dreams and hopes wrapped around so many tiny things, moments and objects like chrysali doomed never to turn into butterflies. So in the long run, you move on because you must, but you're left with memories like shards of stained glass. They have draped their dress over a corner of your heart which you can never reclaim.


Aurora772, this is simply the most beautiful thing I've read in awhile. And so, so true! This thread really strikes home for me in so many ways; I wish I wasn't working so I could respond to it properly!
 clwtrfishy1229
Joined: 1/16/2008
Msg: 34
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/1/2008 10:52:40 AM

And I have been loved and been incapable of returning the love the way someone else thought I should. In some ways, I think it hurt more to be the one who wasn't loving enough. The other way, you get to play the victim. But when it's you who isn't loving the way you "should," it leaves you feeling baffled and helpless.


Yes! I felt that way with my husband. He died and I felt so guilty for not loving him the way he wanted me to. We were married 11 years and I did love him, just not the way he wanted me to. It took me years and a lot of therapy to get over that guilt so that I could move on with my life.

I'm not going to let that happen again. I'll find someone who loves me in the same way I can love him.
 colourful jules
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 35
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/2/2008 11:38:53 AM
I agree with many of the replies, that we all have our own ideas of how love should be given back. Funny thing is I just had that conversation with a new friend of mine today whom I like very much. We need to remind ourselves that love should be given freely with no expectations back, that the communication and actions in ourselves change the environment around us. We can never control how another person will develop their feelings at the speed you may want, to make compromises and changes when you point them all out. Love is a feeling that to each is unique and I have had experienced some wonderful friendships that had very strong love but they just couldnt committ and give what I would like in my future which is remarriage. I still love those friends and I have no doubts they loved me in their own ways.

It heartbreaking at the time to move on and leave them behind but there will be someone that will come into your life and whom will be willing to compromise communicate and love you back still in their own way but as a dance instead. The tango would be my perfect dance of love. Ultimately it is all about give and take and sometimes your partner will do a little more taking because they needed to. If you are comfortable with who you are and love freely and make sure your needs are met it will either work between you or make you realise that there is something missing that they just cant provide and accept it and move on.

A friend of mine told me to give a little more but only how much we are willing to lose and watch to see what is returned. Watch the actions not the words, because not all of us are verbal communicators. Sometimes we show love back in the things we do. When that love is returned then give a little more. Take it slow but uninhibited never regret the ones you lost and refuse to open to the next person you could miss out on that one love that was meant to be. Learn from the habits and the compromises we regret later and keep the faith that this is who you are and love yourself most of all.

Its a wonderful feeling when you get it back without asking or expecting.

February is the month of Love and I give it freely to all my friends whom I have met over the last three years on POF.

 lip locked
Joined: 9/14/2007
Msg: 36
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/2/2008 4:32:08 PM
This reminds me of a phrase to live by.Expectations are premeditated resentments.
Now its unrealistic not have some. But awarness of this is key.
I likes what some else put about one can only love what they know.
most i meet or know dont know the concept of loving there self. They beat themselfs up and are harder on them selfs than any other would be to them. How can you expect for them to love you any better? HEALTH LOVING RELATIONSHIPS have so many factors to make it last. Most people throw the terms around without even raelly know how to achieve it. You know like respect,honesty, patience, openness. willingness, compromise, faithfullness,attraction.
I WAS ONCE ASKED WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO OFFER IN A RELATIONSHIP?
Is it all garbage? you know what they say? GARBAGE IN GARBAGE OUT.
If this doesnt apply to you then you must think about why are you attracted to this?
It feels soooooooooooo much more fullfilling when You feel wanted back! What do you have to offer that is attractive to woman? or men?
I only offer this because I HAVE BEEN THERE TO AND GOT HELP!
 oshan
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 37
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/2/2008 4:40:18 PM

...it's the dreams and hopes wrapped around so many tiny things, moments and objects like chrysali doomed never to turn into butterflies. So in the long run, you move on because you must, but you're left with memories like shards of stained glass. They have draped their dress over a corner of your heart which you can never reclaim.


Very true
 Kiss_My_Karma~
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 38
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/2/2008 5:13:37 PM
A lot of times we truly believe that we can change people. Regardless of how much of our own dignity we give up, the person will not change unless they want to change. We always want the best for ourselves,but we never put ourselves in the best position for that success in relationships.

I want to know what were your experiences from loving someone, who didnt love you back the way you feel that should have.


Kind of a vicious cycle, the giving up of the dignity. Once you start to see yourself losing it, your confidence fails, you inevitably start to be seen as needy by the other person, and they can have no respect for you. And it snowballs. If you see this happening, you have to cut the ties, IMO, ASAP. That way you are showing yourself and the other person that you will not settle for what you don't want. And we all deserve to have what it is that will make us happy. It hurts like hell when we feel for someone and they don't feel the same way about us, but even you won't like yourself if you stay in a situation like this.
 oshan
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 39
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/2/2008 5:17:57 PM

A lot of times we truly believe that we can change people. Regardless of how much of our own dignity we give up, the person will not change unless they want to change. We always want the best for ourselves,but we never put ourselves in the best position for that success in relationships.

I want to know what were your experiences from loving someone, who didnt love you back the way you feel that should have.



My experience is that they started out loving me the way I wanted them to, and then they stopped...they changed. He didn't stop because of anything I did or didn't do, he stopped because he was afraid of real love. He doesn't know how to love himself, and therefore, he is unable to maintain love for anyone else over the long haul. Lots of people fall in love, and start loving someone, only to withdraw out of fear. They fear the magnificence of love, and they fear of becoming engulfed in the experience because they do not have solid grasp of who they, themselves, are...and they do not love themselves. They apprear to have high self-esteem at the beginning, but in reality their self-esteem is very low. I just wish that people with these issues around fear would get some professional help before they launch into a relationship because it's impossible to protect ourselves from people like this. They are very loving for the short term, and run away as soon as they know you are committed to them. It's so hard on a person because it effects our own ability to trust again because there are no signs to look for....because they don't exist.

As an aside: There is a saying "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"...I think that when we are in a loving relationship, we need to take this saying a little further and "Do unto others as they would have us do unto them" because what we might like...they might not like. When we love someone, it's not about us...it's about them. Yes, we love ourselves, and don't do anything that would negatively effect our own self-esteem, but we need to focus on the other person too, and really get into knowing them, and knowing what makes them happy. For example, if I love coffee, and I bring coffee to you, thinking this is a great and loving thing to go...it might not be...because you might not like coffee...you might prefer tea. This type of thing, I think, is very important because it's about paying attention and being very interested in knowing the one you love....so that you can love them even better. Love, to me, is an art form. I want to be an artist at love, and I want an artist of love as a partner.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 40
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History
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/2/2008 5:27:42 PM
Interesting thread...if the OP can clarify...what loving hard is?

Not meant as a joke or pun at all, or get hung up on semantics. But words do have a power and meaning..I just don't often see loving hard used. Intensely, fully, freely, completely, totally....that I understand.

I do think it's possible to get back what you give...I don't think though that very often it will be the same. Or exactly the same, I think when we do give love and want love returned what we're really looking for is a feeling that is confirmed by actions. I know how I feel about myself when I feel that sweet release that loving someone brings. I also know how I want to feel when that love is returned.

What form it takes or how it's expressed, I don't expect it to be a mirror image of how or what I do or say. I do know how it makes me feel about myself. And I think mostly that's what I'm looking for. How does this person loving and expressing that make me feel about me? And how does me loving him make him feel about himself?

The mode of expression...IMO isn't as important.

I think it's Gary Chapman that wrote the Love Languages book. Very insightful!!
 UniqueManinSoCal
Joined: 8/26/2007
Msg: 41
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/2/2008 5:33:15 PM
OP

Not changing for you has nothing to do with loving you back. People make this mistake so many damn times. People use this as justification to change someone. If you loved me you would do...

That is NOT love! That is manipulation.

I was with a woman for a few years that kept gaining weight year after year until she was obese, with many health issues both physical and emotional. She still loved me, that has nothing to do with me. It had to do with her and what is going on with her. The only aspect of love I had with that situation is that I couldn't understand that she could claim to love herself and do that damage to herself. But that is the same question I have for addicts whether it be drugs, alcohol or smoking or anything else.

Just my 2 cents.
 MustangLove
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 42
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/3/2008 6:50:53 PM
Some people are truly givers. We love too much and care too much. And it is always with the wrong people.

You can't change people or make them love you more or less than they do. You have to be yourself and hopefully along the way you will meet someone who is as totally into you as you are to them. That attraction is what will make peope bend towards each other..... Because they want to be the best they can be with the person they are with - because they are totally into them and LOVE them back!!!!!

That is why LOVE - - true love is so hard to find.
 Carrie Bradshaw™
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 43
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History
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/3/2008 7:00:23 PM

A lot of times we truly believe that we can change people.

I have learned that we cannot change anyone. If someone is going to change then they are going to have to do it because they want to. Also, even if we were able to change someone, they might later come to resent us making them change and becoming a different person. I learned to love people for who they are as a person and not how I think that they should be or how I think they should act. If it is something though that I am not comfortable with that they do then I am out of there. (ex: heavy drinking, gambling etc) I hope that makes sense. Love them for how they are and for who they are but never go against your own values and morals I guess is my point.


I want to know what were your experiences from loving someone, who didnt love you back the way you feel that should have.


I used to think if someone loved me he would show me in certain ways and if these certain ways were not done, then he did not love me. I had my own thoughts on how you should show love to someone and if that was not done, then it was not truly love. I have learned that just because someone does not show us love the way we want them to does not mean that they do not love us. Love can be expressed many ways and each person might show it in a different way. As long as you know in your heart that they do love you and they are showing it the best way they can, that is enough. But if one does not feel it is enough then they need to move on.

I wish I would have learned this a long time ago. I once had someone I loved a great deal and showed him love the ways I knew how. I thought that if he loved me then there were specific ways he was to show me. He did not. So I thought he did not love me, then I learned he did love me after all he just had a different way to show it.

~Carrie
 NorseViking869
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 44
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/3/2008 7:05:45 PM
Ok here is a nugget from one of my fave books that might help you out.

"Love those strongest that truly deserve it. Never waste love on Ingrates."Anton LaVey.
 KingTrue
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 45
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/3/2008 8:09:55 PM
I wonder why all of a sudden, I can't create anymore new threads......

anyone has a clue?
 bolond
Joined: 2/19/2007
Msg: 46
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/3/2008 8:29:54 PM
We are only on page 2 and already I see a trend that does not make my heart happy. Most of the responses are valid in their own context, however, most are also talking about love as if were flour and could be measured and doled out as we seem fit. Strangely enough, I think that love is the only emotion that cannot be measured. I love my girlfriend and I do so unconditionally. I may not like her very much when she is being ****y or like her more when she gets all gussied up just for me, but the underlying love is still the same. I love her regardless of much I may be liking or disliking her at a particular moment. I also know she loves me although it may not be represented in the same way as my love for her. It doesn't make her love better or worse, just different.
Understanding that love can not be measured in every day terms is the first step to true and lasting relationships. One person can not love another person more than that person can love them back if both loves are unconditional.
JMHO

As an after-thought, I would like to add that we do not choose the one we love - we only choose the ones we hurt.
 nike46
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 47
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/3/2008 8:35:58 PM
patna, that is one of the hardest things. for me it took looking at the big picture to realize that all the time, money, heart break, wasn't worth it. it heart, i ain't gonna lie, a brotha cried, but through praying, and friends, i was able to focus on myself, and forget about her.
 tanzanite99901
Joined: 7/10/2007
Msg: 48
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/3/2008 8:41:13 PM
to realize that all the time, money, heart break, wasn't worth it.

Nike, it's always worth it. The heartaches will make you love that much harder and better when you do find the right one. You'll appreciate her more because of this experience. Just as she'll appreciate you more when she finds you.
 LostGrl
Joined: 2/18/2005
Msg: 49
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/3/2008 8:49:21 PM
I tried my hardest to keep it together, but its like trying to hold sand in your hands... The harder you try to hold it all, the quicker it slips through your fingers. I havent met the right guy yet, but, I would imagine that when you meet the right person, you wont be struggling to change them, or to try an keep them around. Itll be a natural flow, and theyll always be around.
Loving hard, but not getting that love back?
Posted: 2/4/2008 3:31:16 AM

I loved someone and he liked me I guess... but not love. Anyway I was glad that I realized that the relationship would never be anything that I hoped it would be. We weren't really together in a relationship, but we saw one another sometimes. .. a long distance thing... he said he would never be in love and didn't want to be in love. So we agreed to be friends and slowly we lost contact with each other. That was my last shot at opening myself up to someone. I can't do it anymore. I just come every now and then for the forums.


First, long distance relationships ONLY last if there is a strong emotional foundation that is developed early in the relationship and built over time. You cannot make someone love you. If I really needed someone to love me unconditionally, I'd get a dog. As for people, you got to keep trying, it's like getting that great job, after you've put in many resumes, you finally land one, same with love. Some jobs are crappy, same with relationships, move on until you find one that you like (or love).

Hell I'd love you everyday unconditionally too, but that's me. Sometimes the person you love may have put up some walls that are impenetrable because of a negative experience that has never healed. Every relationship needs work, continously, regardless if there are children involved or not. You get what you put out. Give 50% and that's what you'll receive. Listen more, talk less, hell in the last relationship I was in, she did all the talking, all the time. I finally got tired of it. She moved out. Hey, she had emotional problems too, apparently she was abused as a child by a relative, that made her very tense in our relationship, she never sought counselling so that baggage was always there. You can heal most anything with love and patience. If you're not with the one you love, then love the one you're with... My motto.

Now I just come for the forums...

Anyway you must've seen the tell-tale signs that the relationship was going nowhere but you ignored them, and eventually you both parted. Now what was the lesson you learned? Sounds like you're gun-shy about not opening up to someone. Well sweetheart, you got to get over that barrier... There's plenty of us hard loving guys out there who aren't afraid to hold back... And I'm one of them!!!!
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