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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Red flag or every right to be angry?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 2
Red flag or every right to be angry?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
If you are chronically late, you are selfish and controlling. Sorry--yes, THAT is a huge red flag.

It is not possible to "accidentally" be late for every single event in your life--you are taking advantage of this guy. I understand that you have been doing all the travelling--perhaps this is why you are punishing him by your being late ALL THE TIME?

Now, he's picking at YOU because you are irritating him by being late because he makes you do all the travelling. And you wonder if THAT is a red flag. YES--you two are not communicating at all.

An email can be a fine way of communicating as long as you leave it open to "Please call me after you have had a chnace to digest this."
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 3
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Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/1/2008 11:20:29 AM
Thanks guys for the responses so far.

Cassago -controlling? I'm not a controlling person. Selfish..i fully understand why it can be deemed such.
I know it's not accidental in terms of -if it always happens then obviously it's me. I'm aware I need to change but i'm not late to punish him or anyone else..I'm just friggin poor at timekeeping and got really bad of late!

Sabinee -I wasnt saying I have a right to be angry. I was asking if his reaction last night and this am was a red flag or does he have every right to be angry.

Albino -TImekeeping has NEVER been my strength and has been a point of frustration for many people around me. It's truly a horrible weakness on my part which granted if i fix it then all the better for me and those around me.

As for red flags...you don't know my past. I have had been in relationships where I truly was screwed over. Tell me for examples does bad timekeeping warrant being unfaithfull? And in fact timekeeping in those relationships in the end wasnt really a point...
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 4
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Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/1/2008 12:02:47 PM
I certainly asked for a beating down here didn't I? (LOL)

Albino -yes I have a time management issue since I was a child. I've had better times and worse. Sorry but I think outright cheating on someone is far worse...

Some of you asked did I call to inform him -yes I did of course.

I'm not hear for the boo hoo whatever...I'm hear to get advice obviously. In terms of red flags I'm trying to balance what happened. He had every right to be upset with me being late yes. However I felt like he was speaking to me like a child, he continued on the topic last night and this morning. When we had supposedly let it go. He started to complain about me leaving on the lights (I had left the bathroom light on and had the bedroom light on for a minute to look for something). He blatantly told me he wouldnt help me cook and sat back and watched tv. He iniatiated sex without a condom (I'm not taking the pill) after being cranky the whole night then started off this monring again about it. He blames me now for his body being out of synch from eating too late (maybe that's fair maybe not?). He included tuesdays when I'm playing soccer. He knows I'll be late those days.

I'm trying to figure out is this a fair reaction to my being late.
I'm aware for my own sake I need to improve...

I'm also thinking perhaps I need to learn not to take "it's ok" too much to heart. People say it's ok when actually it does matter. He was going to the gym, i had the massage thing. I guess I illusioned myself...

Anyway I felt really bad, then with his reaction I felt even worse and now I just want to go and bury my head in the sand and not wake up! :(
 ~blue eyes~
Joined: 11/16/2006
Msg: 5
Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/1/2008 12:14:40 PM
"Albino -TImekeeping has NEVER been my strength and has been a point of frustration for many people around me. It's truly a horrible weakness on my part which granted if i fix it then all the better for me and those around me."

He had every right to be upset. Do you own a cell phone? If so there is no excuse for not phoning any of your appt saying hey I'm going to be running late, before your late.

You know you have this problem so why haven't you corrected it yet? the have cheap little appontment keepers that beep at you when its getting to be time for you to go. Cell phone have alarms that go off when you set them and so on.
There are so many simple fixes for your problem that you really have no excuse for it.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 6
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Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/1/2008 12:45:58 PM
I was chronically late at one stage in my life... for much the same reason as you. I did not stop an activity when it was time to go, I tried to fit "just one more thing in".... and I viewed it as my problem, not something I was intentionally doing to other people in my life.
"Why can't they see that I'm not doing this TO them??" was my mantra - sound familiar?

I say that to let you know I was in the same - or similar - place of denial that you currently live in... and I wish I could find the words to say to you that someone found for me that allowed me to see the light. Here's a stab at it.....

How do you like walking around in the world, sending everyone a very large F-you message?

How completely selfish is it that you expect the world to operate around your dysfunction? That THEY must accommodate you in order to be in any kind of a relationship with you? Isn't that incredibly selfish?

You likely view yourself as trying and possibly even well meaning (with the stuff you try to cram in) and likely view yourself as helpless in this and out-of-control... but "doing your best" to resolve it. SO... you refuse to see that this is extremely controlling behaviour. You want them to accept you... accepting you means they have to accept your bad behaviour. You are controlling aspects of the relationship... and aspects of their life. And resent their resentment and anger that you have largely taken their choice away from them. (You will reduce their choice until it is limited to "leave the relationship" or "put up and shut up").
Can you see what a HUGE F-you that is? Can you see how controlling that is? You are living "my way or the highway"... only it is cleverly disguised FROM YOURSELF as something that is beyond your control.

How do you like living as a victim? Because you are helpless and hopeless to something that is larger than yourself... except it is yourself that is holding you, your life, your happiness, your personal positive regard... hostage.

So, I wonder... what "juice" do you get out of this? Because you do. If you were not getting juice out of it, you would stop it, because it clearly is not working for you. So you have a powerful reason for it that you really don't want to take a look at.

Some thought starters....
Is someone supposed to "see" you and reach in past all of your B.S.?
Is it that you really don't want (or feel deep down you don't deserve) love and happiness in your life, but don't want to admit it?
Are you hooked on the adrenaline of the situation?
Why do you need to continue to have the same core arguments?
Why do you need to feel powerless, helpless and hopeless?
^^^ If you weren't feeling that, what would you be freed up to get or have or be in your life?

Hope some of that is remotely useful... life is tough living on a hamster wheel... a whole lot of activity and no forward motion.

Edit to add... OP, even at my worst, I managed to be on time for work... I wonder if you are too? Are you selective in the type of self-sabotaging behaviour, or does it pervade all aspects of your life?
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 7
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Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/1/2008 12:56:29 PM
Thanks Margo...! :)

Well I'm far enough to be aware that this isn't some out there force...that it's actually me. Yet I try to be on time and still am not. Also something seems to happen to me when my routine is upset. I'm back in college and then 2 months ago after very heavy extensive work I had a long break until today. I think this has thrown me out of whack making me even worse! I'm also horrible at getting up if I don't have somewhere to be. Ie I wanted to get up in time..but just...lack of routine I guess....I'm beginning to get to know myself better ie spot my faults..I also lack tidiness I've begun to learn I need to have things systematic or things get out of control...
As for lateness...well I do it even to myself so...eg countless times I really want to see something or be somewhere and I'm late for it for myself...

Appreciate your insight. Definately food for thought. Bf has just written a fairly decent message on my phone to me so I'm feeling a little better.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 8
Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/1/2008 1:50:15 PM
Child I'm not going to spend a bunch of words filleting you over the time management thing. Don't get me wrong, it's a HUGE issue, but I'm wondering if it isn't a symptom of a somewhat dysfunctional way of living your life...it kinda sounds like you are running your life by pulling from crisis to crisis, creating and energy/adrenaline charge for you but serving those around you only in that it pisses them off to no end.
Tell this current bf that you have decided a relationship is not in your best interest right now...you need to get back to where you are running your life, not your life running you. And you can't focus on a relationship.
I think probably he'll be relieved.Frankly my dear, you've sabotaged yourself by being such a scatterbrain.
I'm not trying to be mean to you.. organization and time management are things I have struggled with for a long time.
In fact I've always wondered if living for years in a pressure cooker of overbooking,too many irons in the fire, always running behind on time or money or something, did not hugely contribute to the chronic pain and fatigue condition I suffer from now.
Fix your life, get on top of things. When you have to go someplace you aren't familiar with, sit down with a paper map or Mapquest and get it planned out ahead of time.
I'm not going to cast all the blame for your present romantic disaster in the making directly onto your shoulders Sounds like the bf is a little bit snippy . might be kind of anal,about some things but the bottom line is that leaving lights on or cupboard doors hanging open, or not being able to keep track of/account for your time(within reason) are symptoms of an underlying dysfunction
Have you eve been screened for ADD? Had a closed head injury?
Cindy O
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 9
Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/1/2008 4:44:08 PM
Years ago, oh, *many* years ago, I had a relationship with psychologist. Sweet man. Claimed he'd never been on time in his life: work, classes, appointments, movies. And yes, he DID know exactly what it meant. First time he showed up for dinner an hour late (after calling me from the wine store at a half hour late), I was laughing when he walked in the door. He didn't LIKE that. . . . it wasn't the "expected" response. Next time, he was a whole half hour late. I was still laughing. Thereafter, he was either early or on time.

His excuses sounded exactly like yours, OPie. I believe he would have actually enjoyed himself if I *had* gotten angry. But he sure didn't like not being able to disturb my pond, much less being laughed at. . . .

Margo had the most complete and sane response from anyone here: if you want to save your life, listen to her. If you want to keep repeating your past, keep doing what you're doing now, it will happen.

Happy Ground Hog Day.
 leeanna50
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 10
Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/1/2008 4:51:44 PM
late for the first date, bad move, late for other dates...uh you would be on your own, go ahead and hit the send button, im sure his puter has a delet one as well..go for it
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 11
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Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/1/2008 5:20:23 PM
You list your job as receptionist. I can't imagine that you are late for work everyday, that you cannot remember this, that, and everything else. You are frigging 24, if your memory is that bad you need to take measures to compensate for it. Buy a watch with an alarm. Buy a map and do you people not own cell phones? I would think that a little communication would solve the problems, i.e. I will call you when I leave, and when I get lost in a one-way to tell you I am lost, I am locked in a car park, etc.

His continuing to harp on things is not good but perhaps he has wanted to say something for a while now and hasn't and he just sorta snapped. I can't imagine that you have any friends if you treat them this way and hellooo, this is the beginning of a relationship. If you were late the first meeting, you should have bent over backward to make it up and it doesn't sound like you do more than offer a half-assed explanation and chalk it up to being a ditz or whatever. Well you know what, no one wants to live with someone they cannot depend on whether they are cohabitating or trying to have a relationship. And maybe if you are shooting for 9:00 you should tell him 9:30 or 10:00 instead of something that you know deep down you are never going to meet.

He is voicing his objections like a whiny brat but you are doing little to offer a better showing. Mature people take responsibility for doing crappy things to other people and frankly, I would probably be out the door if I were he. So you recognize your problem. You have to make more room in your life or you will have no one to share it with. You obviously over-schedule so when you look at your day and think you have the ability to add another thing you have to recognize that you do not, and tell someone no or don't do something, it is that simple.

Also, if you know you are going to get lost, start out the door three different times, etc., you build that into things. If actual driving time is 15 minutes but your wierd crap is going to add a half hour to it, you had best leave 45-60 minutes before you need to arrive to ensure that you are on time or early. Tell him you are really going to work on your stuff but he is acting like a twit instead of helping to solve the problem. Okay, I get it, move on. And really do something, no more half-assed this is how I am stuff.
 TitusBreast
Joined: 3/18/2007
Msg: 12
Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/1/2008 5:24:08 PM
Tell his sorry and spoiled low life ass to go back to hell, where he came from...I hate those pr1cks who think the world revolves around them, and they don't do jack sh1t to make your life any better at all...even with the full-body massage sh1t. DorkMan can do it for you for free if he gave a damn. What a loser! Go have a drink...and one for me, too! Love, Titus
 TitusBreast
Joined: 3/18/2007
Msg: 13
Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/1/2008 5:28:20 PM
Tell him to take a flying leap, too, while you're at it. Love, Titus
 mike2040
Joined: 5/15/2005
Msg: 14
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Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/1/2008 7:56:19 PM
ok, here's MHO about this:

1. being late all the time says 1 thing and 1 thing only. "I'm important and you don't matter to me".

2, making excuses for it. - shows lack of self discipline, lack of consideration for others , no self motivation to improve, and a selfish attitude.

3, his behavior. not the best. basically, hes at the breaking point and wants out. he realizes that he doesn't mean $#it to you.

seriously. you need to grow up and take responsibility. Your not a little kid anymore. If someone was doing this to me, i'd break it off without even thinking twice. what does that say about you? telling me to show up and leave me waiting somewhere? then just stroll up when you felt like it? i could understand the first few times, but if this was an regular occurance, i wouldn't want to be with you. Always treat people the way you want to be treated. my best suggestion, get help . anyway... how exactly do you even keep an job? you cant even show up anywhere on time with this person? if you can find time for other things, you can find time for him. unless, he doesn't mean anything to you and you just treat him as such. i think thats the real truth. he's pissed and your loving every minute of it.
 LaffNTalk
Joined: 3/1/2007
Msg: 15
Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/1/2008 8:19:07 PM
I felt like I saw a red flag of things I've seen before and don't need to repeat in my life :(
When someone has the same situation recurring in different relationships, its always a good idea for that person to look at themselves and seriously consider if they cause the problem. This is a good example. You acknowledge what you do and that it can be a major irritant to others, yet you merely gloss over the fact ... a quick admission and then back to blaming someone else. You acknowledge that their displeasure with you is warranted, them blame them for showing it.

Your comments that "you have a change in schedule, can't get up if you don't have somewhere to be, lack of routine" ... all show that you continue to blame things outside of you. That you are powerless to change these things that only you control. That is a classic example of being a "victim".

If you make it to work on time, or to anything else on time on a regular basis, then you obviously have the ability to keep a schedule ... the question is why do you not do it for others that are supposedly important to you. Something to address ... maybe professionally.
 bellazingara
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 16
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Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/1/2008 9:20:09 PM


Margo that was brilliant...thank you for that. Glad I came across this post!
 betterlate
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 17
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Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/2/2008 12:00:30 AM
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE, you are rude and selfish and totally thoughtless. It is such a slap in the face to be late, it is basically saying I dont give a **** about you, your schedule, your feelings or anything. It is rude and shows a lack of maturity, planning, intelligence and feelings. Dont be late. Stop being late, remove all of the things in your day until you can be where you need to be on time. Leave an hour early to be there on time, apologize to him for being so freaking late. The only red flag is your behavior. No wonder he was a bit cranky.... I would have told you to drop off a cliff...

grow up, be respectful to people especially people you say you like
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 18
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Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/2/2008 8:32:49 AM
I originally started to repost because of what Mark mentioned, about how this man felt, and I wondered if not only was he reacting out of frustration, but maybe he really likes you and feels like you are pushing him into a position that he has no alternative but to cut and run?

Also, CJ, can we have a mighty forehead slap here. My stepson was ADHD and my daughter is ADD and I totally spaced on that being something the OP might want to investigate. Superteach also made a great recommendation with the FlyLady site. I'm sure all of us have areas of our lives that we would like to get a better handle on.

Something else to consider OP, as you rush around your life, how much of it are you really enjoying? People find this with overscheduling their kids, they are so busy going from activity to activity that they become exhausted and are not really enjoying any of their leisure time. Simplifying can create better quality where now you have quantity.
 mizbex
Joined: 8/8/2007
Msg: 19
Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/2/2008 4:45:18 PM
OP, I just couldn't read this entire thread since I am a very punctual person, so forgive me if you have answered this question already, are you on time for work?
 WesternRose
Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 20
Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/2/2008 4:55:31 PM
First of all it sounds like you are way too busy to be dating him or anyone else.
By your own comments you live a very busy life. I have no idea how you would be able to juggle a relationship and give it the attention it needs to be nurtured if you want to stay in the relationship.

I hear this guys frustrations, it is disrespectful to him and to the relationship if this is a continual occurrence.

It is annoying him to the point where his patience is at an end and his true colours are now showing.
From the sounds of his comments and criticisms about you and your life, your habits, your tardiness, He has lost his cool.
There is no reason for him to go into a rant and get insulting, abusive to you.

Sounds like this is not going to work out.

You really should try to get the situation of your schedule and tardy problem under control, I am sure that this is not just a problem with him, but your friends, family and collegues. Time management and no more excuses.
He needs to move on and find someone who can cater to his needs and not stress him to the point of losing his cool.

good luck....enjoy your life....lots of other fishes out there.
 Internetdatingpariah
Joined: 10/17/2004
Msg: 21
Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/6/2008 12:40:42 PM
So her being habitually late is HIS problem?
Let the guy YOU date show up hours late for "one reason or another" after you spent hours getting ready on time and waiting.
Will YOU then be a "loser" if you can't accept that rude behavior?
 Internetdatingpariah
Joined: 10/17/2004
Msg: 22
Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/6/2008 1:09:06 PM
^^
See this is where we disagree.
I don't see it as a pet peeve. I see it as the OP being very inconsiderate to her date.
There really is NO good excuse for her being perpetually late.

Shoot, by the time I shave, shower, iron my clothes, find a nice cologne, and brush my teeth it could easily be an hour. I've not known too many women who DON'T spend at least that, most likely longer getting ready for some dates.
 chickalina
Joined: 12/5/2007
Msg: 23
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Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/20/2008 4:22:02 PM
Girlfriend get over yourself. You can't tell me that you don't have a cell phone. All you had to do was call and tell him you were lost and blah blah blah. It is very annoying when you expect someone, expecially if you made dinner, to arrive at a much later date then planned. There is no reason why you can't get yourself together and over to his place on time. Start earlier or even better - invite him to your place and then things should go smoothly because I am sure he would be on time. If you really like this guy then you can make a small change in your life.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 24
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Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/20/2008 5:55:21 PM
there is nothing more tedious than waiting on someone. there is nothing more rude than someone without consideration for someone elses time, or energy. It proves lack of respect for others and bad time management. Can you actually make it to work on time?
 etudeno4
Joined: 1/28/2008
Msg: 25
Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 2/23/2008 9:49:53 AM
you damn right he has every right to be angry. if it were me and you were habitually late i'd dump your sorry a$$! sounds to me like he has no balls or he'd of done it already.
 JohnnyHabibi
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 26
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Red flag or every right to be angry?
Posted: 3/5/2008 1:14:03 AM
maaaaybeee she does,t have a cell phone...you shouldn't assume...or maybe show was lost in thought or apprehension...it is a control issue...and so Amero-centrist to be that hung up on the tick of a watch...---...a thought about cell phones...(I know most people DON'T give a rats ass), but nearly 6 million people have been killed in the region where they mine the Tantalum crystals that make your sweet little toy work...if she is that must together, I would take a deep breath ... dive into that ever expanding limbo and pull her out ...that is...if she wanted... to enter into the in between...yeah I understand what it means...they have tried to stuff me in...but the problems is, FOR THEM,...there is always a seem to slip through, another galaxy to slip into...and rough as it might be...another place to go and get with...so for her...may she find kindness...be guided when she do that need...and walk protected through this 'everything inside out/they're telling me I'm free/but I can't get these chains off of my wrists...SO LIMBO GIRL...it's all smoke and mirrors...pay attention to the man behind the curtain....
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