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 ThirdTimeAround
Joined: 12/31/2007
Msg: 2
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Instant Messaging Protocal - A question of etiquettePage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I don't mind random ims. I read their profile and if it's someone interesting, I don't mind chatting for a while. If I'm busy I tell them. Usually they e-mail you and thank you for the chat. If the imer is inappropriate, I just let him know I am not interested. Different strokes for different folks. If it bothers you, just keep your im turned off. Good Luck !!!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 14
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Instant Messaging Protocal - A question of etiquette
Posted: 2/7/2008 12:54:07 PM
I would occasionally get IMs from guys as an initial contact. I was not averse to talking to them and I would look at their profile while we were chatting so that was not a huge issue. My problem is that I am often working and the IM window totally screws up the whole system. There were times I would have to shut down and reboot and multi-tasking was out of the question.

I would usually tell the guy that I was working, that the IM screwed up my computer, and that I would be happy to chat with them another time if they sent me an e-mail. Most of the time I never heard from them. I sense that they are guys that are either looking for sex or they are just lonely. Because it is inconvenient for me to deal with when I am working and I never really spoke with anyone that I maintained contact with, I disabled the IM feature unless someone is on my fav's. Every now and then I will get an IM and if I'm working, those people understand.
 WesternRose
Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 19
Instant Messaging Protocal - A question of etiquette
Posted: 2/7/2008 3:14:47 PM
I don't mind the IMs... I can always open up the IM and quickly glance at the profile.

I have not hand anyone rude to me for not replying.... there have been a few cut offs... I assume, cold -feet or technical failure.

We are here to connect with others, sometimes it is nice to have a spontaneous meet on IM.
I have even put on the video option on IM.. I am not the type that needs to dress up...and be prepared for a meet...if it happens..it happens...I go with the flow.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 24
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Instant Messaging Protocal - A question of etiquette
Posted: 2/7/2008 9:07:23 PM
I don't mind the idea of an IM from a stranger (which is why I haven't disabled that function yet), but the problem with the IM on this site, is that if you are, say, working on an email, or in the middle of something, then the clicking and popping up of the box can be pretty annoying. Also, it tells you only the username before you actually decide yes or no. This site used to let you click on the username to take a quick glance at the profile (which could have a photo and info about that person). Now you have to just decide yes or no, without knowing anything. If you have to stop what you're doing, I would prefer to know whether it's worthwhile to accept the IM or not. It is then more of a letdown for the guy if you accept, look at the profile, then instantly realize it's someone you don't want to talk to, and it's like telling them they're too ugly to talk to or something. Goes both ways - if I was IM'ing someone, and they weren't interested, I prefer the more ambiguous not accepting the IM in the first place. I could always think "oh, they could be busy." LOL
 kwh56
Joined: 8/7/2007
Msg: 27
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Instant Messaging Protocal - A question of etiquette
Posted: 2/7/2008 9:18:59 PM
Wow I really dont see the problem....a IM is probably the closest thing to meeting somebody in public. Maybe Im weird LOL but my dad worked for IBM and we had the first PC that came out. Ive had Yahoo messenger and AOL messenger since the day they started!
Over the years Ive made many long time friends chatting. Loosen up LOL I mean in the days before the PC how did you meet people? I do believe it was face to face? Talking to them? Like I said to start with a IM is as close as it comes to meeting somebody in person!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 32
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Instant Messaging Protocal - A question of etiquette
Posted: 2/8/2008 7:20:05 AM
OP, maybe you should indicate toward the front of your profile that you would prefer to IM after they make regular e-mail contact. All people can do is ignore the comment so it might point people in a direction you prefer to go.
 AllieJ0516
Joined: 2/5/2007
Msg: 39
Instant Messaging Protocal - A question of etiquette
Posted: 2/9/2008 12:53:13 PM
I had a very off-putting experience on here a few weeks ago - I was on checking my email one morning before work, and a pop-up came up, from someone I didn't know. I have a note on my profile asking people to please not IM me unless we've already talked via email at least, so I know this guy hadn't even bothered to read my profile. I clicked "no", that I did not want to IM, especially since I needed to get to work - I honestly did not have the time to chat. Well, right after I did so, he tried again. I said "no" once again. This guy KEPT TRYING. I swear, I hit "no" at least 15 times within a minute, losing more patience every single time - I couldn't even scroll through the email I was reading! Finally, I said yes. The little conversation box came up, and all this guy said, was "Hi."

HUH???? He seemed so desperate to talk to me, I expected a little more than THAT.

I proceeded to tell him that I could not believe that he didn't get the hint the FIRST time I said no, and if he'd bothered to read my profile he'd know that I don't chat with people I have not previously communicated with. I then told him "Good luck to ya", and shut my computer off. Maybe I was harsh, but come ON. The boy really DOES need a lesson in etiquette! And no, I haven't heard from him since.
 Change Of Pace
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 46
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Instant Messaging Protocal - A question of etiquette
Posted: 2/20/2008 9:21:34 PM
I guess I just don't see the problem...if someone IMs me I have a chat...if the conversation starts going downhill I just say thanks but no thanks and close the window. I've never had anyone be rude about it...they're trying it on and when I say no they move to the next.

There isn't an etiquette and there aren't rules. OP I think you sounded a bit high and mighty...just go with the flow a bit more.

I do have to say I absolutely hate it when someone opens an IM and says nothing....then after 5 minutes they'll write something like 'you not talking today'. Depending on my mood they get wound up in good shape or a piece of my mind...just don't take it all so seriously cause we're all struggling through this!
 brianmartin
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 52
Instant Messaging Protocal - A question of etiquette
Posted: 2/23/2008 3:15:21 AM
I like IM. And since I am genuinely interested in getting to know people, I don't feel bad about using it at all. Recently I messaged someone online and they just closed the window, ignoring me. It doesn't feel good but I assume she just read my profile and didn't like what she saw. Fine, whatever. But if people are just closing IM's for no reason other than they "don't like IM", then they are missing out. I've had many cool conversations with people who either randomly IM'd me, or I them.
 flyingiguana
Joined: 3/4/2008
Msg: 57
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Instant Messaging Protocal - A question of etiquette
Posted: 3/23/2008 6:46:13 AM
when i used lavalife i found IM to be 100x better than sending messages
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 62
Instant Messaging Protocal - A question of etiquette
Posted: 7/19/2008 9:37:46 PM
You are the one that over reacted in my opinion; what is the harm with someone chatting with you first? You kind of acted like a high maintenance dive; people are different and all you had to say was I dont feel comfortable talking to someone I haven't emailed or chatted with. Not a biggee.

He was a jerk but he felt embarassed I'm sure. You totally overreacted and he should not have got mad at you. Again, lighten up, he didn't commit a crime or anything.
 Oshun43
Joined: 2/10/2008
Msg: 71
Instant Messaging Protocal - A question of etiquette
Posted: 2/10/2009 6:03:29 PM
I agree, we're not all on the same level of fluency or technical ability so be patient.......however, I get nervous when they start asking me if a have a webcam before they've even told me their name! That never ends up well.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 72
Instant Messaging Protocal - A question of etiquette
Posted: 2/10/2009 9:01:55 PM
The IMer's I question, are the one's that make first contact then leave the conversation up to you...

This is my problem with IM, and it's pretty rampant, and not just on POF. I'd say something like 2 out of every 20 don't do this. And people I have talked to before and know I require some sort of interesting conversation the first time will repeat the process at a later date. I guess they forget that they talked to me before, or why the conversation went nowhere. *shrug*

I'll chat with anyone, but if you start a conversation, shouldn't you have something to say? I really don't get that at all....
 lisa2276
Joined: 5/2/2006
Msg: 74
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Instant Messaging Protocal - A question of etiquette
Posted: 2/14/2009 11:24:40 AM
I wholeheartedly agree with you! You should make email contact first. I don't like the fact that you cannot view the person's profile without opening the IM window. I have also turned mine off, simply because it is an intrusion when you are checking email or responding to someone else s. And 9 times out of 10 the person hasn't even read your profile, they just saw your picture and went for it. And I know this because i get emails from Caucasian men when my profile states I am looking for black men. And ones that want a good christian woman and I am wiccan. I had wondered if it was rude to just click the no box. glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I don't mind IM's if the person has contacted me through email first.
 Lobo_Corazon
Joined: 2/6/2009
Msg: 79
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Instant Messaging Protocal - A question of etiquette
Posted: 2/17/2009 11:47:23 AM

I have my door open all day, does that mean I am willing to let just anyone walk into my house?

Your house is private and protected by law, and random people walking in goes well beyond bad etiquette - In some places you'd be within your rights to shoot them for it! POF is in the public domain.

"Dating sites" are a good place to meet people. That's what they are here for. Some people are more comfortable introducing themselves via email, and some prefer to "just say hi" with an IM I suppose. (I like email introductions personally!)

People who feel strongly about not being contacted by POF IM before email can easily avoid the problem by turning it off, and using a third-party IM service to communicate with their established friends. There's no reason to let it upset you!
 jadegreen
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 89
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Instant Messaging Protocal - A question of etiquette
Posted: 2/27/2009 7:51:16 PM
That person was wrong to swear and cuss and you should have reported them....
Sometimes I'll entertain the occassional unexpected IM's, but lot of time i'm working at my pc and they are untimely...i usually like to exchange a few emails first before IMing, but gee we all gotta lighten up a bit and just chat a minute every now and then...it might make someone smile on the other end (that is if they are being polite)...if they are not being polite that is another story.... cussing you was just uncalled for...definitely should have reported that person...
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