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 evie32
Joined: 2/1/2008
Msg: 42
Does Friends first ever really work?Page 2 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)
my problem with this is why did you assume it was friends first and not just friends. ive run into this. the guy is attracted to me. thinks but trying to do stuff for me ill fall for him. if its not there it cant be created. but i do consider them a friend. then they ruin it by trying for more. my question to you is if you really liked her why did you feel the need to push so hard and just accept her for who she was, a friend. and if you liked her so much how come you didnt want anything to do with her just because she didnt want to be with you? sounds to me like you just wanted to get her in bed and when she wasnt giving you what you felt you earned you got your feelings hurt. you were seeing the "relationship" how you wanted it, not how it really was.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 43
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/19/2008 8:49:14 AM

When I meet a women on a first date {which involves a miracle taking place because of me being a single dad} and my compatibility and physical attraction is confirmed by meeting her in person, I don't care to spend the next 6 months to a year or whatever, to find out if we have that really really really deep emotional connection before I can hold her hand, kiss her a little, and pursue romance with her. Does that sound crazy?

I agree with this - 6 months is a bit of a long time to be figuring out basic interest. It's a great window of time to decide how serious it's gonna be, but by then, yeah you should know what you're doing.

Don't get me wrong, I 'm not saying I want to jump in bed, maul eachother, or give her a tonsilectomy on the first date, but I'm looking for a connection. I don't want the "were just friends for now till I'm reeeeeeeally comfortable with who you are" cloud of stigma floating over me everytime I go on a date.

Agreed.

How do you possibly expect to be friends with someone while contemplating them as romantic potential, especially from a dating site?

Where you meet is irrelevant once you've met in person and know you're attracted. From there, just hanging out together and getting to know each other (with some sexual tension, of course) isn't such a bad idea.

Why not cut the crap and simply propose "hey let's take it slow, no pressure, and see how it goes?", but don't try to pass the person off as a friend, you don't know them long enough for them to be any kind of serious friend to you, that's what dating is for: getting to know one another.

Long as both aren't placing huge expectations on the outcome, it's good - dating to me puts people in the "must impress"/"where's this going?" mindset, and for a lot of people it causes them to not be themselves. Better to just relax and go with the flow, whatever you want to label it.
 KenKen.I.Am
Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 45
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/19/2008 9:33:45 AM
I don't know.
I've never dated a 'friend'.
Had exs REGRESS to friendship and things stayed there happily!

K.
 wallflower1
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 46
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/19/2008 2:41:42 PM
What is really strange about this "friends first" thing is:
I meet a stranger. Sure we have talked online and maybe on the phone a couple of times. There is a big difference in meeting him physically.
I like this stranger. But, oooooops! Friends first! ....??????
Now...in my book...to develop from a stranger to being an acquaintance to being a friend takes awhile. A friend to me is someone who I have developed a bond with and can talk about anything to. This takes time and trust! Then I bring sex into it? Ha!And...by then, I really don't want to ruin this beautiful friendship with the emotional stuff that being in a sexual relationship/long term/marriage brings in.
I have been married for over 20 yrs. and divorced. I have been in a long term for almost 8 yrs. and am now separated.
Both started with that attraction vibe that hangs low in your tummy and makes butterflies, shortens your breath, and makes that stranger look like he's perfect!
Both times I allowed him to woo me, court me and show me what he was about before I had sex with him. Wonderful fun when the chemistry and electricity that flows between you allows you the chance to get close to talk about anything, to fight about things, to discover everything about that person because you can't stand not being together. That is the gas that drives an attraction to a relationship. It's all about discovery of everything you need to know of that person. Then the friendship begins if it's good. Especially when the mix of attraction, passion and emotions have already been put in the vegetable pot. Friendship is also based on getting through the bad times together. Emotion and passion combined with sex is very potent and puts pressure on a relationship. Better to have it all in one pot and if it survives, then you have the whole thing, friendship and passion for each other.
Building a vanilla pudding friendship with a man at first and then trying to see if the sex part can be integrated after you feel safe emotionally, still stays vanilla pudding. I tried it. God, he bored me after a few romps in bed. Our so-called friendship went out the door, too.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 47
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/19/2008 4:55:37 PM
Ok fine a more direct thought(s) on this. My first post was my “general thinking” about how silly the FRIENDS FIRST that is seen in some gal’s profiles is.

First off it is an insult to the male reader. It is saying “respect me - I don’t respect you or I would not have beat you over the head with that statement ........... before I even knew anything about you”

(girls - most guys are respectful adults - we don’t need to be scolded - told how to conduct ourselves - to have respect for females {and others} in your dang profiles - it goes WITHOUT saying and it looks silly or at least *ME TOO-ISH*)

I was married most of my life so DON’T START THINKING ...... I am advocating early on sex. I have not been with that many gals and don’t intend on being with many girls. The when is not my point at all. I flat azz stopped dating because sex was EVERYWHERE - without even asking for it - implying it - seeking it - it falls out of the damn trees these days it seems. I am totally uninterested in gals that bOink every guy she goes out with - and so far that is all I have ran across.

I for one would get the hell away from a female - no matter how much I liked her - if she started the friends first babble.

Her jabber about that would be doing many many many things.

- would be telling me I am just like ANY OTHER GUY to her

- would be telling me she is trying to follow some silly ass rule - and just like ALL GUYS I need to be trained about her RULES
- and what is worse - it would be telling me she was ***ABLE*** to follow her silly ass rules with me >>> AKA I am not blowing up her skirt ................

- would be telling me she is not as interested in me as I am in her

- would be telling me she is trying to figure out if she wants to ............. settle for me

- would be telling me she has no problem keeping her hands off of me (been there done that - not going to do it again EVER).

- would be telling me ........... I am not enough - just like all them other guys

------------

To me a girlfriend (SO - wife) is TOTALLY different than a female friend (girl friend).
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 51
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Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/20/2008 4:44:06 PM
I tend to think some women use this phrase as a polite of way of really saying " I'm not ready/willing to jump into a sexual relationship immediately"..and I also think it is a symptom of the way the dating world has changed...some women have become a bit defensive, and don't know how to protect themselves from being used and still maintain their sexuality.

Many men seem to interpret this phrase as " no sexual relationship" ever. Also, I think a symptom of the change in dating, and gender roles these days.

And as others have said...we are just friends and that's all it will ever be, is much different than I want to be friends first.

I don't use this phrase, never even heard of it till I got online.

What I want is to get to know each other a bit, before we become sexual. There are many reasons for this. If I am actually dating you, and we are getting to know each other...and we progress to wanting to be in an actual relationship...sex will be part of that relationship..and hopefully, a great friendship will develop too..as part of the natural flow of becoming close.

They all come together , hopefully, if things work out to be a LTR..that would be the ideal for me.
 handsm5
Joined: 12/3/2007
Msg: 52
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/20/2008 5:04:56 PM
thats a good Q - I hear people I know wanting to 'start as friends' - most ended up as b/f - g/f sooner than thought lol but I personally never done the friends first :)
I'm curious to read more too :)
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 53
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Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/20/2008 6:16:08 PM

What about the passion, the attraction, the desire? If you don't feel them since the beginning you won't feel later...


Absolutely untrue. Passion can grow as a result of shared emotional intimacy; of increased respect and admiration; of love. Immediate passion is not love; it's a mistake to think it is.

[quote}So pray tell how the world of dating worked for CENTURIES before now?
It didn't. 'Dating' is a 20th century invention. People were married off for economic reasons, for family reasons, because they were pregnant. Parents chose your mate for you. And that you ended up married did not mean that you were happily so. People believe in hazy mythical past where all was hearts and joy. That's the province of romance novellists - it bears no resemblance to what really happened.


Then the friendship begins if it's good. Especially when the mix of attraction, passion and emotions have already been put in the vegetable pot.


Cart before horse. What if you're hot for an abusing, controlling jerk. You've traded juices with a disaster. Really, going with lust first can get you in no end of trouble. Best to find out what kind of person you're dealing with before you dive into all the risks.
 PleasurePirate
Joined: 11/7/2005
Msg: 54
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/20/2008 7:40:57 PM
the captain doesn't buy that friendship is some lower level of relating to each other that we should desire to rise above with someone we desire.

people get so hung up on moving to a higher level and getting serious that they forget the value of friendship. talk to people who've been happy together for generations and the common denominator is that they're friends. people claiming to "love" each other treat each other in ways one should never treat a friend.

[u]without friendship, what you conceive as "love" is temporary at best.[/u]
 wallflower1
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 55
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/24/2008 3:46:50 PM
Merrylass...
I guess you thought it was lust and sex right away when I said "Then the friendship begins if it's good. Especially when the mix of attraction, passion and emotions have already been put in the vegetable pot."
Funny how people do assumptions like this. Especially throwing in a comment about trading juices with an abusing, controlling jerk as the cherry of your comment. OUCH!
Please read my contributions again...and this time read it and know that sex wasn't part of the equation.
 SweetTSmilesNC
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 56
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/24/2008 6:29:37 PM
This doesn't happen only to men, my friend. I'm going through alot of pain myself right now because the man I'm in love with is distancing himself from me. I actually came to this website just looking and.....what do you know.....he tells me his life is hectic right now.....wanna know why....because he's spending all his time on here....possibly looking for someone else. I'm sorry you're in pain, but so am I and many other men and women.....it's not gender specific.....players come in both genders.
 nycdoctor
Joined: 8/2/2005
Msg: 57
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/25/2008 6:12:05 AM
Again another example of excuse of not being able to commit.
 lolLori
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 58
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Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/25/2008 6:35:15 AM
At least this is asmitting the lac of commitment. Relationship yes friendship
 Hot Buttered Soul
Joined: 6/25/2007
Msg: 59
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/25/2008 9:34:47 AM
Its an amazing concept, but for me personally.. I don't want to be a girlfriend. I think most people want a relationship. One that is mental and physical. they are synonimous. The reality is, if you are truly into a person, you will find them interesting and thus do all those things a best friend would do. Do all those things a good partner would do.

Any woman that would make you do all those rediculous things is using you.. because she can, and there will be gullable men lining up for her.

A relationship isn't as much work as some people make it out to be.
 wallflower1
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 60
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/25/2008 1:32:05 PM
I have a very good married friend that I have known for years. She has been married for almost 30 yrs. to a man who see considers her best friend. They haven't had sex in years. The kicker?! The man that she has always had passion for and an attraction to is a man that she knew before she met her husband. This is the man that she gets together with many times a year for all the ingredients that is misssing in her marriage. Plus! He is also a very close confident of hers and they share an intimacy and emotional bond that over 30 years has not broken. Why doesn't she leave her husband for this man? Because she is "best friends" with her husband and doesn't want to hurt him. The man that she has the affair with? He has many times tried to tell her it's too hard on him to share her. But, over the years, and many passionate discussions on this, he has resigned himself to this. Because loves her. Of note: She literally blossoms when she has been with him and/or is anticipating being with him.
Friends and lovers!...I would take the passion anyday.
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 61
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/25/2008 3:12:12 PM
for me, wanting to be "friends first" means that we share interests and attitudes in common, that we enjoy just hanging out together, just for the fun of being near each other - then the dating thing happens because we have underlying physical attraction toward one another

it's a mutual thing, not one person doing All the giving or doing whatever the other person wants all the time -that's not real friendship, even without the dating prospect, imo...
 wallflower1
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 62
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/25/2008 5:55:13 PM
Attraction = interest=intense desire to know all about that person=dating, romance, fun, passion, respect, sharing ups and downs, and getting to know that person which includes a start on exploring each other sexually. This is called man and woman interaction for possible LTR and/or marriage. This could be the basis of emotional attachment and deepest intimacy. Very good friends can come out of this if they are mature enough.
This may take a few weeks or a few months depending on the persons.

Meeting at work or play = friendliness = talking and laughing = friendliness = "I like you"
Now the road can split. Just keep on being friendly until you are friends and that is it. Or...you can develop an attraction that was delayed. This can happen, too. Especially when one or the other has had some trust issues that hangs up their normal "Vacancy" signals or if one or the other still has leftover feelings for someone else. Then the understanding "friendly person" can be quite influential by being there.
Apparently, the delayed reaction attraction vibe is quite common between men and women who start up an affair after they have been married friends for quite awhile. As in couples who get together quite often socially. Interesting.
So, it is not perfect. Either way. It's what works for you that matters.
As long as it's good!
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 63
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History
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/25/2008 6:05:35 PM
You know the only people I know who have made this work are those who met as kids and were friends for years (when sex was not an issue) and then became lovers later. Otherwise, it's attraction first, and a friendship grows out of that. The friends first thing has never worked for me personally, I have a hard time thinking of a friend in a sexual way once the friend label is there...I want an attraction first and a friendship to grow from that.
 cowboy_gone_evil
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 64
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 12:19:05 AM
well i made the mistake of trying this and i lost a friend of 10 years it was a mutual thing ,we both backed of mutualy and pretty much never spoke after dont know if it was fear or what . I just know i lost a very good friend cause we were both willing to take the risk .
 oceancowgirl9
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 65
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 8:12:21 AM
It is what it should be a quick or long friendship.You should know what you need in the first 8 min or maybe 3 months it depends but beable to let go right away if it is just about the sex or maybe the way she makes sauce.you have to have insite right away trust your inner self then you are true..Friends to lovers to marriage remember intimacy is a bonus if its really a great great friend and real friends take tears to know each other.so in 90 days you should know if she is the one or move on..LV ocg
 oceancowgirl9
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 66
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 8:14:35 AM
God women are not cars ..You seem like real man treat them like a lady find the right words to answer what you need go out for a while with out the intimacy and see if its strong and again the sex is a bonus to marriage if she is a friend and partner first not a car.
 oceancowgirl9
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 67
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 8:16:29 AM
To me your right on and it goes to show again all the physical is a bonus if your true to each other and have a partner a true life friend on the front porch rocking chair kinda of relationship!! LV ocg
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 68
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 8:40:44 AM

You know the only people I know who have made this work are those who met as kids and were friends for years (when sex was not an issue) and then became lovers later. Otherwise, it's attraction first, and a friendship grows out of that. The friends first thing has never worked for me personally, I have a hard time thinking of a friend in a sexual way once the friend label is there...I want an attraction first and a friendship to grow from that.

I agree, that makes the most sense. I meet someone, there's attraction on my end AND his, and then from there we get to know each other as new friends while building a nice sexual tension. If we can't be more than lovers, then we decide whether or not it's worth moving forward, but firsthand knowledge is better for me...

I don't believe jumping into bed based on pure attraction is a good idea. I'd rather find out if there's more to it before I do that then find out there is nothing else after I've done it.
 randomstoic
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 69
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 12:05:03 PM
It works if she says that your friendship is exclusive and will grow with trust and understanding. Past experience has taught that only the women able can utter these words are worth the time and emotional investment. I would liken it to going steady in a more traditional, safe sense. Still, you also have be prepared to let it go if this drags on too long. Some people want the comfort of companionship, but fear the vulnerability of physical and emotional intimacy.
 VicinSA
Joined: 2/10/2008
Msg: 70
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/27/2008 3:42:57 PM
Well, here is my story for what its worth. My ex and did the friends first relationship. During our marriage, it saved us a bunch of times. Now that we have decided that we can't be married, the friendship is still there. It, for me anyway, has made the dark journey of divorce a little more bearable.
BTW, we were married for 21 years, so it was a successful relationship, by the worlds standards.
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