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 AUTHOR
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 115
Does Friends first ever really work?Page 4 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)
"Friends first" is a woman's way of not having to make any commitments,sacrifice,pronoucements,time and energy to a serious relationship.
It's always easier to brake up with a friend than someone you've invested time and energy towards. Any serious long term realtionship requires much dedication,attention,and sacrifice. That's one of the main differences between just being friends and having or wanting a long term realtionship,or you've become plain lazy,burned out or jaded.

Can I respond to this? How on earth are women supposed to dedicate all that to a man they've known two weeks? If you're saying you expect all that up front when you know nothing yet, then yeah I guess I can see why you'd want nothing to do with....just about anyone who mentions the word friend....I mean, is your ass on fire?

Maybe a woman wants to know a man's shoe size before she marries him..sheesh....

Thrifting and shopping for shoes.

I don't really care for a ton of shoes or spend a day looking at them, but if I did, why would I take a bf with me? He's bored and therefore he gets in the way of things getting done. Shopping is what my friends are for (if I can stand to shop longer than 45 minutes).

Following her around, as she shops for clothes, taking care to tell her how lovely she looks.

See previous response.

"Being there" for her, when she has something heavy that she wants you to carry.

I carry all my own crap...what I can't carry - I use a handtruck, or whatever for....if I can't to that, I hire someone, the list goes on and on.

Going to ballet, and pretending an interest in "the arts"

I don't like the ballet, but if I did, why would I bring a bf who hates it?

Agreeing with her, that you'd much rather spend Sunday afternoon during football season shopping with her, rather than watching the game.

I watch the games myself - but if I didn't....I hate to repeat myself, but why drag him shopping? Him having things to do means I get my space to do what I want. Why on earth would I mess with that?

Agreeing with her, as she tells you what's wrong with men, and how you could do almost everything in your life.

If I didn't like men, I wouldn't be around any, and if I don't like how a guy lives his life, I either don't date him, or don't hang around him when I don't like what he's doing....

Your list was stereotypical, and generalized....or you're dating in a really strange area where the women all like the same thing...
 Paulen
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 116
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Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 7/25/2008 3:43:20 PM
[and basically followed her around and did lots of stuff for her. Treated her better than a friend anyway. So my question is this; does it ever work and is it ever truly "safe" or is it just a convenience for one party to get the other to do stuff for them?]

A friendship is between two people; it doesn't just go in one direction. It sounds like you were doing things for her in order to win her over and not because you wanted to do things for her. There's a difference.

If you agree to being friends and you want the relationship to go further you need to ask the other party if that might happen for them. If you are romantically involved with the person but they aren't involved with you, except for the 'friendship,' the relationship is unbalanced and you're going to be miserable.

But I do think two people can start out as friends and develop the relationship into a romantic one. It takes two people.
 YingKissesYang
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 118
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Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 7/25/2008 6:54:59 PM
Honestly, the more I think about this, the more I realize that a friend, and a romantic interest, are completely different things. What I balk at, is the "imbalance" of attempting to approach romance, as if it were a friendship. It creates cognitive dissonance for me, and is therefore unpleasant. I simply won't do it.
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That's great! I see you are finally starting to understand what everyone has been saying.
 pebbles_2006
Joined: 7/19/2006
Msg: 119
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 7/26/2008 1:47:06 AM
Well it just doesn't happen- one sided. I spent corresponding to someone for 2 months the distance was rather an issue but it never came up before. He got attached to me & we got really close. We've never met bec I was recovering from surgery so I've asked him to come & see me instead. He was supposed to then bailed out last minute that he has to work more shifts and would be quite busy (translation: I met someone else & I am dating her now but its none of your business to know the details). This has gone on for about 2 months then recently when i talked to him he was in a rush to get off the phone bec she was over @ his place(he didn't tell me that again) then the last time we talked that is when he came out clean about it after I got him to confess. It was a rather disappointing friendship to be quite honest with you--- despite we've never met, I felt betray & played a fool. I wasted 2 months for him of no intention telling me that there is no chance we'd ever meet in person bec he is already INVOLVED with someone else for a month & a half of the 2 months that we have been friends ONLINE. He was the first one that got attached to me- I wasn't in order to understand his feelings I tried to develop feelings towards him & He made an Ass out of me.
Well right now, we haven't talked since the last time we spoke about him Seeing & Sleeping with someone else. He doesn't know that I am deeply HURT for him making a fool of me & wasted 2 months rather than letting me MOVE ON and meet someone else like what he did to me. So Mike it just doesn't happen to MEN- Women go through it more than MEN trust me we get Screwed up a lot too.....
 pebbles_2006
Joined: 7/19/2006
Msg: 121
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:33:07 AM
I am not new to the Online dating world, I've used this Plenty of fish for awhile & have met remarkable Friends & Dated Remarkable guys as well. Its something I would even recommend to my friends (that included the friend that I was talking about). But to be quite honest, I know it felt like 2 months was wasted but when you sum up but to be honest,
"what has happen its more of his loss than it is mine, bec he never made an effort to know what he loss till its gone".

He has gone through so much in previous relationships (especially the most recent one) & us meeting online that night for 2 months-- that meeting me would have been a BLESSING IN DISGUISE but that is LIFE, As I said on my Profile- "DONT LET YOUR PAST DICTATE YOU WHO YOU ARE BUT LET IT BE A PART OF WHO YOU WILL BECOME".

Its nothing that I regret emotionally, but it was more of "WASTE OF MY TIME" that
I regret that I invested time/effort to someone that WASN'T WORTH MY TIME @ all.

I've moved on Actually, Met remarkable guys from here, recently-- real who's Honest, Sweet, and Funny and that lives in town". Also came across Old friends from here,
that I've known Offline from awhile back. Starting a new job & Been hanging out with friends/family, so I am all set. So there is no sense of Dwelling over this GUY from Okanagan, that was as I said A WASTE . HE LOST A FRIENDSHIP THAT COULD've DEVELOP into something MORE, But as they say, YOU MAKE DECISION OUT OF HAZE THEN ITS TOO LATE TO TURN BACK BEC YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN REPLACED.

I was basically responding to a Forum that is how this all started.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 122
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:39:57 AM
there is chemistry only about 1 in 3 times, and the other 2 end up as a nice, polite dinner with someone, that will never lead to a 2nd date.

Wow....I WISH that were the case, 1 in 3 - that'd be awesome...unfortunately, for me it's more like 1 in 10...granted, most I never even want to meet to begin with, but for those I do meet, I rarely end up interested.

Real life works better for me anyway....but perhaps it's the region I live in...
 pebbles_2006
Joined: 7/19/2006
Msg: 123
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 7/26/2008 8:43:31 AM
I've moved on Actually, Met remarkable guys from here, recently-- real who's Honest, Sweet, and Funny and that lives in town". Also came across Old friends from here,
that I've known Offline from awhile back. Starting a new job & Been hanging out with friends/family, so I am all set. So there is no sense of Dwelling over this GUY from Okanagan, that was as I said A WASTE . HE LOST A FRIENDSHIP THAT COULD've DEVELOP into something MORE, But as they say, YOU MAKE DECISION OUT OF HAZE THEN ITS TOO LATE TO TURN BACK BEC YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN REPLACED.
--------------------
So if you read the entire Forum, I've moved on.End of story, Renaissance Man 1950.
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 125
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Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 7/26/2008 1:49:08 PM

So, she has the upper hand.

What is this - Machiavelli's School of Seduction Techniques? Ye gods! Maybe there are some women who are that calculating. Others of us just aren't interested in bumping uglies with all and sundry and want to find there's more to our connection than the pull of biology.
 irishgirl4you
Joined: 11/29/2007
Msg: 126
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 7/26/2008 3:48:37 PM
Dear Renaissance Man.....

Have you ever heard the saying "good things come to those who wait"? Sounds like you need to order up a little Patience...A little narcisstic are we?
 Aleyrebel
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 127
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Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 7/26/2008 3:57:14 PM
It depends. Of course you have to be friends, or there is No relationship, just using each other. I always see on here that men want to be "Friends first", then maybe more. The problem with that is that the woman may put them on her friend ladder, instead of the relationship one. If she does, you NEVER move over, unless you were on the relationship one too. I understand you men and the non-commitment thing. They are even saying now, that men view living together as a step BEFORE they get serious. But, come on, what woman is gonna put herself out there and risk getting hurt in a Platonic relationship? If you have an interest show it from day one, I get that all men are bachelors until about 1 mo before they commit, or get engaged, and like to pursue, so pursue already. Make sure she knows up front of your interest, cause if she doesn't, you may not have a chance later when you decide she is pretty cool. Women will be friends with a man she is attracted to, and he'll generally know the difference from friendship with a woman that sees him as just a nice guy. Better hope you are more then the Nice guy to her, or forget it.
 Aleyrebel
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 128
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Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 7/26/2008 3:59:36 PM
Amen sister. LOL
 flyonthewall!
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 130
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 7/28/2008 9:51:36 PM

For me, when I've been in "search" mode, my general approach, if anything goes sideways, or it takes too long, or I hear "let's be friends first"...is to simply say "NEXT!"


LOL, no man has ever been my lover without being my friend first. I've never been interested in "trying out the goodies" until we're ensconsed in a comfortable, committed relationship and we're in love.

If a man I was dating told me I had to have sex with him in order for him to develop feelings for me, I'd definitely take a pass.

I grew up in the "sex, drugs and rock and roll" era, and easy sex didn't even appeal to me back then.
 David.J.white
Joined: 9/24/2012
Msg: 132
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Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 4/23/2014 9:13:41 PM
I disagree. It is the same for men and women! I have tried this approach twice! I wish you was correct but I always thought it would be a stronger relationship to start off as friends. But it don't work that way! We would get along really well and hang out all the time, do everything together text morning to night, trust each other! All your doing is creating a solid friendship! If you don't make a move in the beginning it won't happen! They say they value our friendship too much. So I left it at that. I would go on dates and be thinking about hanging out with them instead! It was very painful for me but had to stop talking to them! So instead I say work on getting to know them in a relationship term and then become their best friend!!

I wished it would work because I just don't want to be like every one else married and divorced! And I would think a solid foundation like friendship would keep that from happening!
 David.J.white
Joined: 9/24/2012
Msg: 133
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Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 4/23/2014 9:18:35 PM
I'm not saying that you should start off by having sex, but let it be clear that you want it to be a relationship from the beginning! :)
 easterparadehat
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 134
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 4/24/2014 4:54:48 AM
Everyone has to like the person they date that is why eventually they call each other girl/boyfriend. Problem is men come out again wanting to date when they are horny. For most women that is a turnoff and most have dated around to see it for what it is. Then they cool the dude down and he starts resenting her for what he doesn't get.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 135
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 4/24/2014 7:19:31 AM

For most women that is a turnoff and most have dated around to see it for what it is. Then they cool the dude down and he starts resenting her for what he doesn't get.


Not really. There are women that are paranoid that they want to play the friend crap until the guy has lost any lust. Then there are women that are as horny as men. That does not mean that they sleep around, but once they find a cool horny guy, they want to fvck their brains out. They are not going to wait six months to do so. These type of women, the guy does not resent, but instead spends hours at the office thinking about being with such woman and having more sex.

That is why I do not do the friend crap, nor do I go for vanilla girls. And in the end, no regrets, no resentment, just sweet nothings whispered to the ear.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 136
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 4/24/2014 8:27:09 AM

Then they cool the dude down and he starts resenting her for what he doesn't get.


What do you mean by "cool the dude down"? Does that mean you make false promises of intimacy in the future as a reward, as long as he currently behaves properly (keepa you hands off me) and spends money on you to your satisfaction, under the pretense of "friends first"? I don't play carnival games of chance. If a woman did the "we must be friends first and see what happens after" ploy, I would say to her "I guess that means you don't mind paying you own way for everything and doing half of the driving whenever we hang out" (it's not called dating when friends get together). Friends don't use me for freebies. I would also let her know that I will still be looking and dating other women, since we're just friends.
 icucme77
Joined: 1/9/2014
Msg: 137
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 4/24/2014 9:55:45 AM
What are Vanilla girls? Just haven't heard this before!
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 138
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 4/24/2014 9:59:34 AM
generally speaking, vanilla is....well, think of ice cream. is vanilla your first automatic choice when presented with a wide range to choose from?
 icucme77
Joined: 1/9/2014
Msg: 139
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 4/24/2014 10:05:25 AM
Thanks for the information....gto....great car by the way!!!
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 140
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 4/24/2014 10:05:25 AM
What are Vanilla girls?


Just made that up.

But think about it. What would be a vanilla girl. She's afraid to take chances because she may get hurt. She doesn't kiss on the first date. She freaks out when she goes home and goes online and finds you on the same site. Then gets mad, even though she was ALSO online.

She eats vanilla ice-cream in a cup with a spoon, no sugar cone.

She turns off the lights during sex.

What else?

LOL
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 141
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 4/24/2014 10:12:05 AM
Friends first only really works when a relationship wasn't the plan. When you have that interest in a girl and she just wants to be friends, well she's also friends with a few other guys probably. Be ready to watch her end up with someone else.

If she was interested in dating you, she'd date you, she wouldn't waste time and risk you finding some other girl. She'd make sure that if she does like you, that you're gonna be with her, not someone else. REALLY think about it.

It all depends on what your goal is. If you have ANY interest in dating the girl, you're only setting yourself up to get hurt. She doesn't have the same interest as you, but she's open to her mind possibly, though unlikely, changing. Or she's letting you down easy, you'll be friends first, but that friendship will never seem to happen.
 perre62
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 142
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 4/24/2014 10:18:44 AM
Friends first just opens a person up, to being a doormat...fetch n carry guy/girl...being taken advantage of...been there, done that...NEVER again!
 Westernguy
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 143
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 4/24/2014 10:32:00 AM
I have no clue about friends first , not sure I get it.

I ask a girl out and it naturally progresses to kissing etc pretty quick .... I have actually tried to " take it slow " but when a woman gives you the green light .... pretty hard not to go forward..... maybe when I'm in my 40's I'll be able to take it slow ????





Westernguy
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 144
Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 4/24/2014 1:24:36 PM

Friends first just opens a person up, to being a doormat...fetch n carry guy/girl...being taken advantage of...been there, done that...NEVER again!


Oh come on now! Don't you enjoy it when a friendgirl asks you to take her shopping at the mall, and you get to hold her purse and any shopping bags while she tries on new outfits or new jeans? Then she comes out of the change room wearing the new item and says to you: "Does this make me look fat?" And of course, you would be required to say: "You look fabulous in that."-no matter what it looks like. And then, since she bought a new outfit or pants or a top, you two have to go looking for a matching purse and shoes. Then after that, she'll hint at how hungry she is, so it's your turn to shell out money to feed her. If you don't enjoy doing that, she'll remind you of how fun that was and need to do it again soon. After all, Saint WTF day is just around the corner, which means getting another outfit specifically for that day, but only for the current year-it will be out of style by next year. So you get to do it all over again. And you would have a problem with that?
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