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 rustytalent
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 3
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I write this with a heavy heart right nowPage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
OP, unfortunately you likely won't find much sympathy in these forums. You will find some of the most bitter people you could ever meet in here. I feel for ya thought and I know where you are coming from. It's crappy when that happens, and it's not easy to just 'get over' someone you thought was a true friend. It's harder than getting over ex's IMO. But you gotta try to do it and move on. Good luck.
 rustytalent
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 7
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I write this with a heavy heart right now
Posted: 2/23/2008 8:53:20 AM
Overtime you will likely find it a relief not to have this person in your life, though it will be hard at first. It's hard to get any perspective till you get outside of the situation sometimes. I had a couple of people in my life I just had to sever contact with completely. I don't consider myself that 'needy', but I want a friend to be a friend. Someone I can count on.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 17
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As we get older, our true friends can be counted on one hand.
Posted: 2/23/2008 10:25:21 AM
I've experienced it, too. Usually sudden and uexpected, and it can be devastating.

We can't always do everything we'd like to and I think friends realize that sometimes we have limitations. But we can be there and just listen, give them our time.

I think it's important, too not to discount what they're feeling. It may not seem all that important what they're dealing with, but if they're hurting that's all that matters.

I hesitate even with people I know well to advise and only do so if asked. I will only give my (limited) perspective and say what I would do. I would not expect them to do what I would, it's not my life and I don't have to live with the choices they make. They do.

I can listen, comfort and let them vent. And I don't feel any differently towards them for what they say...they're upset, angry...whatever. I do the same with my friends and it's cleansing.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 18
As we get older, our true friends can be counted on one hand.
Posted: 2/23/2008 10:28:30 AM

They say as we get older, our true friends can be counted on one hand.

I just recently realized a friendship that I thought would last forever wasn't a friendship, after all. Unless it was on their terms.

I realized this person wanted a "fair weather friend" when it suited them, yet when I expressed my vulnerabilites or emotions..they just shied away or behaved in an impatient manner with me to extent of being plain out rude, yet...they would call me and expect me to utter the proper responses to their latest "dilemma"...yet when I had a problem that I wanted to talk to them about...they would almost "recoil" in horror at my show of emotion. If I didn't take their "advice" then I was literally kicked to the curb, so to speak.

Funny, though. I never really asked for their advice. I thought it was normal to want a friend just to "listen" as I did many times to them.

I did some things for this person out of friendship that I wouldn't do for anybody. I wish I hadn't now.

Even though we didn't share much in common, I learned so much from this person (and asked constant questions about their life), yet they were almost never interested in my passions and asked few questions about them, if any at all.

I finally realized friendships aren't too different than relationships.

My question is..has anyone else ever experienced this?

Sans

Actually you're describing me minus the part where I call people and want them to listen to my stuff - I don't even want to listen to my stuff.

I mentioned this because I tend to be less emotional and more logical and will brainstorm and/or throw out solutions/formulas because when my friends complain, I assume they want to fix what's wrong.

I am only emotional when I am alone if it's a silly thing, or in public when it's something that's more major and understandable. So I don't mean to be insensitive, it's just that I love my friends, and my friends get upset over things/people they know aren't healthy and they won't stop doing what's causing it, yet get defensive when I point that out. So yeah - after about the 3rd time I get the call - I get a bit impatient.

Not saying this is you at all...but sometimes the person you're talking to just has a different type of personality. File that friend where they go, and call someone when you're upset that can give you what you need.

Of course, if it's about animals - that I totally understand, and personally I'd cry with you...
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 22
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As we get older, our true friends can be counted on one hand.
Posted: 2/23/2008 10:44:40 AM
"I miss this person so much but realize they have no feelings for anyone..nothing...they are nothing but a "human shell" and will remain that way forever."

Well only you know this person. I'd tend more to think they just handle problems differently. We're all different in how we deal with situations and emotions.

Some like to think things through and can deny their emotions, become almost robotlike and clinical. They don't give expression or vent to feelings, but that's just them and how they do things.

Others let their feelings vent in some form, whether it's doing somethng going to see a movie...or taking a walk, whatever. Just doing something, once the emotions are vented, then it's easier for them to think things through and come up with a resolution.

Neither way is right or wrong It's just how people are. What is important is that we communicate whether it's friends or romantic relationships, so that they other person understands that's how we function. Some try to do what they do and don't realize the other person doesn't function the same.

 open book
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 23
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I write this with a heavy heart right now
Posted: 2/23/2008 11:17:48 AM
So many people are so profoundly self-absorbed. Yes, I have experienced this. I take it as a lesson (after the pain subsides) and look at the person carefully to see the flags they are carrying. We all show our real selves clearly with nonverbal signaling, and experience is about learning to read the signs...this person showed you early on what s/he was about, and you missed it, but you won't do that again. Absolute self-absorption comes from three sources:
a few people are born that way,
a lot of people are taught to feel distaste for other people's feelings by their caregivers (who teach it by failing to empathize with the child from birth, or by plain old spoiling),
and a few people are so emotionally injured after childhood that their ability to share is burned away.
In any case it's very sad, and as you discovered the sadness is propagated.
 chrylann
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 24
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I write this with a heavy heart right now
Posted: 2/23/2008 11:20:24 AM
I'm 47 and have never had a true friend. I don't think there is such a thing.
 Yeronds
Joined: 1/29/2008
Msg: 25
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I write this with a heavy heart right now
Posted: 2/23/2008 11:24:56 AM
My friends (true or not) can be counted on one single finger. All those I had, left, and have their own lives where they probably have completely forgot I existed. Kind of sad, but that's the way life is.
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 27
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I write this with a heavy heart right now
Posted: 2/23/2008 12:06:38 PM
Life gets us in many situations where one shows true colour.
Just 2 weeks ago a friend of 20 odd years "looked at me through money" and hankered for a banknote in question, although there was nothing to negotiate about. 20 years of friendship has been wiped out like that and I still cannot believe how people can change and let money rule their lives.
But hey, money might buy a flashy car, an exotic holiday ... but a real friend is priceless.
 quo_vadis
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 29
As we get older, our true friends can be counted on one hand.
Posted: 2/23/2008 12:43:42 PM
original poster,
i think youve defined very well what to look for and avoid in a close friend. however, i dont think it's necessary to discard people in your life who are unable to honour you the way you honour them. i have two friends upon which i can depend absolutely, and a number of friends whom have demonstrated that i cannot. i still talk with them, and enjoy their company. i simply take note of what they are capable of, and i go into each situation with clear expectations. if you do not set the bar too high for them, they will not disappoint you. in turn, they cannot use you if you set healthy boundaries for yourself. of course along the way there will be conflict, and people grow apart, but keeping these principles in mind will help keep you off the losing end.

and about that, i do not look at my friends solely in terms of what they are providing to me, that is not the purpose of true friendship. in a social situation, to me the most important moment is right now, the most important person is who i am with, and the most important question is do i care. i worry more about my own standards of behaviour than those of the people around me and i think it shows. if people sense that you are in it for yourself, they will tend to treat you accordingly. this holds true for friends, lovers, coworkers, and complete strangers alike. i hope your luck turns around.
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