Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
Joined: 1/7/2007
Msg: 48
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?Page 4 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
OP...there are many a poem written about being alone...
just google and you will see your not alone at being alone...

Hating Being Alone
Poem By Rick Alexander

Alone with my thoughts
Poem By Les Farrow
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 54
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 2/26/2008 6:02:27 PM
Firstly, some people simply dislike "social life". Some people don't like the "competition" of having to win another's attention just to talk with them. Some people prefer a domestic life.

I don't know, I guess I don't see domestic and social as opposite for one thing. You CAN be both - sure, some may prefer to lean one way or the other more often, but it's not like you have to pick one.

Also, disliking social life to me means not wanting to be around people - how does an SO or anyone else fit into that type of lifestyle? I know when I don't feel social, the last thing I want is company. That's not selective company, that's just company.

Some people's family's just aren't good company. Some people don't have family. And yeah, to some people, being single feels like total isolation. Can you blame any of them? If being honest about needing someone is too much "pressure" for anyone you reveal this too, it is because they are weak.

Um, how so? Please explain - if you are looking to someone else to occupy you because you don't like being alone, then yes - it's pressure.

It's no different than when a woman says "I need a man", jokingly or not. Oh I know the difference - most men will step up for a woman who needs them, whereas most women will flee scared from a man that needs them. Is the solution not right there in front of us?

No, it isn't. For one thing, it's not that black and white. Many men haven't been there for a woman who needs them, and many women have stepped up for a man who needs them. Point is there's less hurt if you don't look to others to fill a need - basically.

I saw a mom the other day, watching her son partake in a hobby of his. She sat for hours, in public, in "society", trying to keep herself busy by reading a book. Out of the blue, her man arrived. The smile on her face, followed by the words "You've saved me!" spoke wonders. What did he save her from? Does this mean she is not happy/comfortable with herself? Does that mean she 'needs' him? Say what you will about "forms of expressions", but her words had meaning. There are different levels of happiness, and some people are simply a lot more happy in a relationship than not in one. Is this something you'd really hold against another?

Never did I say I hold anything against anyone, so not sure what that's all about - perhaps you're addressing someone else's posts.

We have women basically saying they wouldn't date someone who needs a woman because of the "pressure", but then some of those very women think of guys they just met, with songs like "From this Moment" with lines including: "Right beside you is where I belong", "I have been blessed, I live only for your happiness", "for your love I'd give my last breath", "Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start", "You and I will never be apart", "My dreams came true because of you", "There is nothing I wouldn't give", "you're the answer to my prayers from up above", and "All we need is just the two of us". When a guy feels that way about a gal, he has to fight not to show his feelings, lest they'll think he comes on "too strong" and bail out.

You got the wrong chick with the song lyrics, especially the sappy slow songs. I've work in many different parts of the music industry for over 20 years. Those songs sell, that's what the motivation is there. I am sure not even Shania believes a lot of that stuff...but the romantics love it, and they buy it in stores so she sings it. Bottom line.

And I covered this - when most gals finally consider a man "exclusive", the man is expected to spend every free moment he has with her, lest she gets bent out of shape about why he did something else instead of being with her, and then break up with him.

Yeah, I don't get that, nor do I do it - in fact, I can't deal with someone who's around me 24/7. I have my life, my friends, my family, my business, so that'd never be something I'd demand of anyone.

Let's face it, a man leaves his family and become part of a woman's family, more so than a woman "leaves" hers and becomes part of his. (The classic archetype is that a girl's father will "give away her hand" for marriage - this is a gesture to show that the man willingly accepts responsibility that she is now his new family. The other side of the coin is bitter jealousy between a woman and her man's mother.) When a man has a strong family value, it may be considered something a woman has to "go through" in order to "get" him, so chances are that she won't bother, and gravitate toward a man that has looser family bonds. Which brings another double standard to mind. What's up with women who say they have strong family values and expect the same in a partner, but then ridicule a guy as a "mama's boy" because he cares about his mother who is part of his family? I tell ya.

First of all, ya got me on the marriage thing - can't say I really know much about it or care to (outside of wedding planning and events which is my business) firsthand, so I won't argue with you there - maybe men shouldn't get married if they feel that way. That's fine. Second...there's a difference between loving/respecting your mom and spending way too much time with her after a certain age and allowing her to make decisions for you regarding your SO or wife...that's a major part of being a momma's boy. It's more what we mean when we refer to that.

Exactly, and so does the OP, so why not "settle" for someone you like, and commit to it? It's simple.

Me? Since the OP feels that way, why not ask HIM to settle? It doesn't have anything to do with what me, really - I'm not the one who has a problem with being single. Perhaps when I bump into someone I do like and get the feeling I don't want to be anymore, I'll change my mind - but I really don't care either way. I plan to enjoy my life regardless.

Sure you can - Romeo and Juliet did it, as did Adolf and Eva Hitler. But who said anything about dying with someone? We're talking about living with someone.

Technically, you don't know that it worked - well for Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, anyway - all you know is they died at the same time. I am sure two humans die on earth at the same time every minute of the day, I doubt seriously they're pairing up. Oh, and Romeo and Juliet's story wasn't actual history. But it sure sold the romantics, didn't it?

What I find interesting is when we offer someone (ourselves) to talk to, spend time with, etc, etc, all a woman wants is money, and not a loving, caring partner.

Ya lost me there. If I tell you my friends wanted to spend time with their husbands, and got money thrown at them instead so eventually left, what's the point of what you said - besides marrying the wrong woman? My friends wouldn't have wanted money either way, so what you're saying doesn't really apply to what I explained.
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 61
view profile
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 2/27/2008 5:16:39 AM
I think it crosses the line when people can't 'function' alone. I they need someone that badly. I don't enjoy being alone, but that is life. There are going to be times when you either are alone, or feel alone. And IMO there are times where it's healthier to be alone.
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 64
view profile
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 2/27/2008 11:59:14 PM
It depends why you hate being alone.

A man can be happy with very little. If the sex life is ok, the homelife is stable, and things seem to be going well, we're happy

I hope this doesn't sound mean, but that's pretty sad. It's so little. It's settling and it's desperate. No emotional intimacy. No companionship. No bond. Some sex, stability, and lack of hassles - eugh! That's settling for crumbs, and someone who thinks so little of him (or her) self that that little would suit is not good partner material.

But see, for a man, its that want of being "desired" that is the core of this entire thread. Hell, Id LOVE to go out someplace and actually be hit on by some sloppy, drunken least I got noticed!!

And this is what people worry about when they hear that someone 'hates to be alone' - it's that the person is so needy that he's not discriminating. It means that the person has such little esteem for himself that anybody at all seeming to be horny is considered a form of 'acceptance'. Truth is that somebody's horniness is very rarely about you and is all about that person's groin and hormones. That you are considered acceptable (sometimes barely so) for sex is no compliment to you at all!!! Now, if a person enjoys your company and likes to spend time with you out of bed, that is a compliment. But bumping uglies is hardly so.

but its the mere fact that someone of the opposite sex acknowleged my existence as someone desirable...even if its in a drunken stupor...that would make me feel good walking away

It sounds like you could use some time to learn to think better of yourself and to learn to reach for more than just attention. You might even want to talk to a therapist, but at minimum, go find some books on self-esteem and how to develop it. You absolutely should not be in such a state that you ache for the slightest hint that someone might pay you attention :( Good luck to you!
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 68
view profile
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 3/1/2008 4:33:40 AM

You're far too young to be so cynical.

The general topic here, as I understand it, despite the OPs issues, is how come trying to start something, be it a friendship or relationship with a person you happen to like, comes off desperate and repelling?

That's not the general question. However, the answer to your question is 'it doesn't'. Or, rather 'it depends how you go about it'. Unfortunately, there are people who are socially unaware and so blunder into an attempt to start a relationship by tossing everything at someone right away. Why is this a red flag? Because it signals that the individual who is doing this is socially unaware; and that may mean there are other intellectual, social, or psychological issues afoot. So if someone constantly gets negative reactions from their attempts to start friendships/relationships, it might even be time to go see a counsellor and find out what aspects of social discourse, norms, and conventions they have not managed to pick up over time.

Our friend who would gladly accept the 'attention' of a drunken skank at a bar might be in danger of being so grateful for the attention of a woman that he'd think himself 'in love' with one who paid him such attention in a very short time when in actuality it wouldn't be love at all. Again, this would be a red flag - it would indicate emotional immaturity on the part of the man; not a good choice as a mate.

So before you go blaming 'women' for rejecting people out of hand, understand that most people are not that unfair and that if you are getting the same reaction over and over again, it's time to do some work on yourself, possibly with the aid of a counsellor - someone who may be able to spot issues you aren't aware of and steer you to a healthier mode of behaving in relationships.

Also understand that men who find fault with and blame all the women they've ever known for the failures in their relationships and who make disparaging remarks about women are waving humungous red flags complete with sirens and flashing lights. If you tend to think that everything negative that happens is the fault of 'women' (or, of coure, of 'men' if you're a woman), then that's a sign you do need to attend to the issues you have.
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 73
view profile
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 3/1/2008 7:41:53 AM
Being alone is like getting old...unavoidable and inevitable...most people's response to such things is to either
hate it
love it
pretend to hate it while loving it
pretend to love it while hating it
like aging being alone is simply a part of life...and a wonderful marriage of many years usualy ends with one partner being left alone to face life without the one they loved so much,it is best to enjoy to the fullest those times when the one we love is with us and not commit the sin that is so common and that is taking them for granted or allowing yourself to forget what you loved about them in the beginning.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 75
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 3/1/2008 11:10:38 AM

uglybetty, never did I say you (or anyone) had to choose between social and domestic lives - disliking one and preferring another is up to individual taste (don't go licking the dance floor please). Some people don't see them as opposites, and that's perfectly fine - I was setting a contrast. I disagree however, that disliking social life automatically entails wanting human isolation - it can mean you are agoraphobic, just as it could mean you don't like (being around) strangers, just as it could mean you prefer company you already know and/or can trust, just as it could mean you are shy... So how do these people find a loving partner?

I guess they have to go with the little they know. Friends of friends, I mean essentially this is a site full of strangers, but I suppose if they can get past that this would be a place to look. You have to agree tho, that not being social and wanting a partner in life does sort of present a problem...

Is "being social" the be all end all way to finding a partner, and/or to snuff out that lonely feeling some people carry around in their gullet? There are those who just aren't social butterflies, nor want to be, but when with a partner, are happy to go out with them. Are you asking how an SO fits into the lifestyle of someone (like yourself) who thinks that disliking social life automatically means not wanting to be around people? I don't understand your question.

To me being a social person means being around other people...what people and under what circumstance isn't so much the issue as the basic topic of wanting to be around others. Your odds go up being a more social person to find someone (if that's what you're looking for; if nolt, it doesn't matter, really) than it does not to be social - you simply bump into less people as a single person, and you initiate less conversation and have less conversation than people who are social. That's all I am saying. And honestly, most people I know who are single, not really into being around people and want to date sort of have to eventually give up wanting to date, or get over not wanting to be around others ideally.

I wrote:
If being honest about needing someone is too much "pressure" for anyone you reveal this too, it is because they are weak.
betty queried: Um, how so? Please explain - if you are looking to someone else to occupy you because you don't like being alone, then yes - it's pressure.
You immediately equated "need" for "someone to occupy you", which is the kind of insta-judgment the OP is talking about. He can occupy himself (he stated this) - that and wanting someone to share things with, or needing the healthy emotional affection that lacks when alone, are completely different things. Anyone who can't handle the latter (which is what I meant), is too weak to be in a relationship if you ask me.

No, I wasn't making an snap judgement, evidenced by my use of the word "if". IF you feel that one means the other, yes - it's pressure. IF it's not, then that's different. Therefore, if the OP is not, then that's cool. P.S. - define "can't handle". Thanks.

Speaking of occupying though, if you want a relationship with anybody, you must be prepared to spend time with them - is that pressure to you? Must men constantly stimulate, titillate, scintillate and pleasure your senses for you to grace them with your company? Isn't that like having someone entertain you (rather than "occupy"), because you don't like being bored (rather than alone)? Sounds like the same deal, except that most men wouldn't expect you to put on a show for them (more double standards?), and may genuinely like your company (let's say, lest one argues, for the "chemistry"), rather than the provided cheap thrills. Sounds like you may just like eating your fat-free cake, but not having it over. Could it be in fact, the other way around - that a lot of women are the ones that get more lonely from their own company (further explaining why they travel in flocks), and then expect us to distract them from themselves? - Aha! So they tell the lonely guys to "work on themselves" (because they know, that if he was of any use, he'd have women all around him already), instead of offering a little company, in hopes that they'll eventually grow a sense of humor, and learn to put on an act, to better in return keep them from the dwelling doom of their own thoughts those awkward moments of silence incur. Diabolical.

You'd have to ask a woman who: 1. wants a relationship, 2. has time to have one, and 3. actually doesn't like being alone that much to get that answer. I can't relate.

It's just how I talk - it's a phraseology able to convey that everyone is human, and that you can't really blame them for being different than you. With it, I was asking if you would discount someone (as a potential SO, let us say) that is simply much happier IN a relationship than not in one.

Yes I would (if I was inclined to be in a relationship to begin with) discount someone that either was happier to be in a relationship than out, or felt that something was missing in their lives without someone to date. Absolutely. I am not the solution to that particular person - we'd just frustrate each other.

About the lyrics, I don't know what you mean by "wrong chick", and your bottom line looks traced in sand. People generally like songs because they either believe in the message, or because that is how they feel. I don't know much about Shania, but I do know that artists who compose their own lyrics, more than not, really feel (or have felt) them. My point was that--oh never mind - reread my post.

Yes, I agree that people like songs because of the way they feel when listening - the music industry pretty much built a foundation and makes millions of dollars on it, but to quote lyrics to me is sort of - well silly seeing as most songs are written/sung for profit from those who believe it speaks to them in particular. Tho at times the artist might have written it about their life at the time, it doesn't speak to the listener at all. Basically my point is that music and movies is all romanticism. We'll leave it at that.

"maybe men shouldn't get married if they feel that way." - What way? That they accept a woman as his new family? Really? They shouldn't marry if they feel that way? Then we have women complaining why their man divorced them, that he didn't consider himself part of the family, that he went off to "start a new family", and so on. Some women want it all, without the attached man - they want kids, they want happiness for their kids, they want their kids to have a father (or fathers), but (almost as if they don't want peace and happiness for themselves nor the man in their life) they don't want a loving, caring, understanding husband. Maybe women shouldn't get married if they're not serious about commitment. I understand your reasonable take on "mama's boy", but it's a term oft used prejudicedly, mistakenly, misjudgingly and misguidedly, unlike how you describe. I've known guys who need but only mention their mother, and they are automatically assumed a "mama's boy" - jealous much? In most cases, if a man even hints that they have a loving care for their mother (let's not misinterpret this), it's a "turn-off" and deal breaker - Can't these women accept the truth? Are they so greedy and insecure that they want (need?) every last morsel of a man's affection, and nothing less? Why when a man gives it freely and sincerely, rather than when forced and coerced, is it stifling, and mostly rejected, even when the woman has shown serious interest?

None of the above applies to me either, but what I meant by a man not getting married and replacing his current family with a new one is exactly that. It should extend the family he has, and both people should understand that they had family before they met that will still somewhat be in the picture. I will say that my ex was a momma's boy and proudly announced it - along with reasons he'd never leave her house. She did his laundry, cooked him dinner, watched his daughter while he worked - why should he leave? To me that's more what I would mean if I were to use the term.

When I stated why "you" should consider "settling" for someone you like (and are - I'll add "functionally" compatible with - which is not only open to interpretation, but can have varying margins of acceptance, proportional to how open / loving / understanding / flexible / easygoing / willing one is), then commit and be content, I meant it to anyone and everyone really / realistically.

Fair enough.

Quite frankly, I think you have more problems being single than you care to admit.

Yeah, I get that a lot, usually from people that feel a relationship is a necessary thing in life to have in order to be seen as normal and function.

So your "conditions"--I'll say, self-imposed insubstantial circumstantial restrictions, on (not) committing are: "Perhaps (nice start) when I bump into someone I do like (your words imply that you do/did NOT like any single person you've "bumped" so far) and get the feeling (slim chance) I don't want to be (single) anymore" (that you'll change your mind about pursuing a relationship, and I'll bet, not even necessarily with the guy who triggered it all). I'm sure you understand, that you basically rule yourself out from anything serious via this iffy play-safe take no chance nor prisoner proactive mentality. Well you can have all the fun you want without stability (that's up to you), but anyone looking for long-term friendship / companionship probably wouldn't find that attractive (then again, most guys are easy to sucker, isn't that right?). It seems like those more accepting, open and honest with their feelings (not so wishy-washy), are the ones stamped "desperate" and then overlooked, when in reality, (not only is it the others who's muted / hidden / concealed cries for attention are desperate, but...) despite what anyone says, love comes from wanting and needing (someone to "fill a void" you may not even be aware of) - the difference is that some people found, accept and recognize the void in their life, know what they want, and tire of filling it with meaningless superficiality.

I am aware that's not attractive to relationship minded people, nor should it be. Works for me!

Some people (feel they) have voids and don't admit it, some have them and make them known, and some don't have them to begin with. Not having a void doesn't always translate to "they must have one but not want to admit it." That would be assuming all are the same, and they're not.

Why this scares people is beyond me - it makes me question their strength and resolve. I think part of the OP's "frustration" towards double standards is that it's easy for most women to "not care" and enjoy life, when all they really must do to achieve this is spread their... desire to wave ships in, whereas men must not only know how to operate and steer, but must learn to navigate (under the all-seeing radar) the erratic and fluctuating dark waters of a woman's very emotional and capricious psyche, through torrential squalls, without capsizing nor veering off course nor crossing borders, all whilst attempting to psychokinetically command the weather to calm the sea.

Wow, the pendulum shift's making a mess out of some men's lives, isn't it? May I suggest a hobby or something? Women are now discovering what men had for years, a ton of interest from the opposite sex and the casualness of finding the one they want, while enjoying the life they currently have. And we like it - I mean it wouldn't be so popular with men if it wasn't so great, right?

I don't know if what worked? You are assuming things about me and my thought process. I said nothing about the afterlife, or if I think it even exists. They took their lives with each other, if nothing else. Otherwise, I have known cases of love so strong, that shortly after one person passed away, their companion for life followed due to natural (or perhaps, supernatural) causes.

You don't know that they died together, outside of at the same time. That's all I meant - I said you die alone regardless of who's in the room when you die. You said it's possible...I said two people can die at the same time and not end up together during the process, that's all I meant. They each individually still died alone. I just think there's too much emphasis on not dying alone, when in fact it really can't be avoided, that's all.

Your friends wouldn't have wanted money either way, but then going for alimony and spitefully trying to financially ruin the man they supposedly didn't want money from before, tells a different tale. The point of what I said (based on so many true stories I've known) was to contrast. Basically, when one or the other is deficient, most women will nitpick at whatever is lacking (by their standards), until the man goes away. I formulate that there is a delicate balance between love (affection), money, and contentment (reserving "happiness" for the three combined) - most people end up with two, and those who go for all three tend to topple. Your hypothetical has too many holes, and nice try but I would say that they are the ones who married the wrong men. (I'm getting concerned for my liver.)

I'm sorry, have you met my friends? In the case of my friends, they made more than or the same as their husbands, so in fact they didn't go after anything (outside of child support for those who had kids which went to the parent the child lived with) during the divorce. They didn't want money during the marriage, nor did they need it - they wanted companionship, which is what they thought they got married for. They learned being single mothers (or just single women) would have been a lot less messy and/or hurtful than getting married.

I think people have been conditioned to be "independent". Meaning, you have to like being alone, because if you don't you're somehow not happy with your life.

Pretty much. There's no harm in being able to be independent, it certainly does a lot of good at times when you (inevitably) end up single. It's part of life.

I also believe this is more of a woman issue. I don't hear men talking about how independent they are, and how great things are alone.

Men never had to - up until about 30 years ago, women clamored to marry men off, so men were not only independent, but prided themselves on it, but it was a given - the word "bachelor" was thrown around a lot them - but since women weren't in any position to do the same, they were groomed to be wives and mothers, and to marry by a certain age to ensure financial support, etc. And what else were they gonna do? Therefore women saying they are independent is both new and depending on the generation, not the norm from how it was. We say it because it's something that was fought for, while men have always been able to be bachelors for years, and will be for years to come.

Women are learning to just pay attention to themselves, something that was also not the norm until very recently...again, women were brought up forever to find a man and pay attention to him. We're realizing we have things we like, we want to do, and sometimes, the man we were supposed to cater to not long ago might come much later in life, if at all - because we realize that if we can cater to ourselves as the fairer sex, then certainly men can easily do the same.

Hell, I'll say it also, I hate being single. I'm perfectly ok being single, but at the same time here is a giant gap in my life and only a woman can fill it.

Find a woman willing to fill a gap for you, and strike a deal. There are some out there that are looking for just that.
Joined: 3/27/2005
Msg: 80
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 4/8/2008 6:13:17 PM

attitude that its wrong to dislike being single. Could someone please tell me why that is?

I'm going to be Simon Cowel for a moment: Single is fun for a while, some are destined to remain that way for life, but most of us HATE IT.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 81
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 4/9/2008 4:58:01 AM
There are times in everyone's life when they will be single. One can find things to do, and get activities, hobbies, spend time with friends and family during these times so that it's enjoyable, or they can spend every minute wondering what went wrong and why they're not fit to be with someone and hoping that it's over soon. IMO the latter stresses you out more, but that's your choice.

A cruel irony of life is that if you put out a vibe of not being able to deal well with being alone, it repels (healthy) prospects that might actually change that for you. Someone just posted this in another thread - in order to be attractive to people as a potential date, you have to already be happy/not care about being in a relationship. That's what attracts people to you. Sucks, but it is what it is.

The vibe of not wanting to be alone makes people feel like they'd have to compensate for that, entertain you, become your life and that's not something most people really want to sign up for.

P.S. Being single isn't the same as being alone. You can be married and feel alone, and you can be single and have a ton of people around you that you spend time with. Loneliness is not solely solved by an SO or a spouse.
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 83
view profile
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 4/9/2008 5:45:17 AM
you were born alone as an individual and your passing is going to be experienced in the same manner...alone, I see a very unrealistic women or even dilusional. BUT theres a very small part of me that gets what your trying to convey, your right we need more romantics like you out in the world gives good people hope for a better life then the one they have.

P.S just watch out for the wolves they are alway watching the one lamb who steers away from the flock.
Joined: 8/2/2005
Msg: 85
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 4/9/2008 9:38:51 AM
There is something wrong with being alone....we human are social animals
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 95
view profile
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 4/30/2008 11:53:42 AM
^^ yup -
its good to be alone sometime because some of us need to find out who we are and what we want.but most people dont want to be alone because they can't stand themselves so they always have to be with somebody.

you nailed the essence i think, good guy! starting with your second sentence - i agree
many people can't stand themselves when they are alone with themselves, so they look for a relationship to distract from being with themselves...then they can focus on another and get energy and life and love and happiness from the other person (which of course leads to disappointment when that person doesn't actually provide what you think you're lacking).

and really, if you can't stand yourself, how in the world is someone else gonna stand you?

so, being alone at times often is necessary to find self acceptance and self love and self happiness and self worth - not egotistically, just to become aware of one self and see one self in a positive light ....what you are saying basically in your first sentence good guy. and with that crystalized within you, now you have something truly of value to offer a relationship and another instead of needing something from them.

one other little tid bit that might help give this a different perspective -

think of the word 'ALONE' as 'ALL ONE'.....

with that you'll see you're not ever alone, for you are always connected to you and they say.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 96
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:05:39 PM

If your primary reason for being in a realtionship is to not be alone, you're going to settle for the first person that will have you, even if they treat you badly.

Nuff said.

Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 100
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 5/1/2008 4:44:27 AM
My thought would be that the people who say its wrong to dislike being single probably have never been single for too too long.

I've been single more than I've been involved in the last oh I don't know, 25 the first 15 years of your life you get a lot of practice since you're too young to date and you're single by default.

I see nothing wrong with being single. It's a part of life, it can be a lot of fun, and it's going to happen to us all in life at least once or twice. Those who learn to enjoy it will have a lot more peace of mind and less stress...that's all.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 102
view profile
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 5/1/2008 5:23:13 AM
In many ways, this goes back to the old need/want debate.

It is a basic human need to love. We need relationships and need love. The best and most fulfilling way to fulfill that need is through relating with a special someone... it is a unique relationship that is impossible to exactly replace from friends, families and hobbies. The type of relationship you are able to have with someone else completely and totally stems from the relationship you have with yourself. If you love yourself and are accepting of your flaws and your greatness, you are able to accept another person for who they are and are capable of creating great love with them.

Yes, we can largely fill our needs through our relationships with other people... and I'm not saying that there is something missing or wrong for those who choose to embrace a single life forever. But I will say they do have a reason for their choice, and their reason for embracing a single life is often what would make them a less likely candidate for a relationship with most people. (there is a pot for every lid)

Some people try to deny their needs because acknowledging they have needs makes them feel needy. They try to look like they have their togethers-together so they can appear healthy - often to themselves, and certainly to others.

There are people, usually from their childhood or adult disappointments, who genuinely do not have these needs anymore. Some are very healthy, others are not.

The bottom line is we ought to endeavor to be healthy and happy people who are engaged and fulfilled by our lives, regardless of the circumstances we find ourselves in. Circumstances change... we may move in and out of relationship with other people over the course of our lives, but we will always be in relationship with ourselves.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 105
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 5/1/2008 6:46:27 AM

So you'd be happy to be single for the rest of your life, not even any dates or anything?

I am happy to be single now, always have been when I was, so why would that change? I may date recreationally, but it's never a requirement/necessity that I be involved or dating someone. If it happens, fine - but I think waiting for it in a window is kinda silly.

I'd rather plan on being single forever, enjoy it and be pleasantly surprised to meet someone than plan on being with someone and hate every minute it's not happening. Ick.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 106
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 5/1/2008 7:28:31 AM

I just thought it'd be natural for it to change after many years of being that way.

Natural for what to change? I'm not sure what you mean.

Remember, I'm not just thinking about not having relationships, but not having any sexual experiences, dates, nothing, either.

I'm talking about having (serious, monogamous) relationships as are most here. Single people can have sex, they can date, they have friends, social lives, etc...doesn't make them not single.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 107
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 5/1/2008 7:38:42 AM

The way you feel about being single. You said you're happy being that way so why should it ever change.

I don't expect it to - I grew up with a single mother, and she lived - I don't really know anything else. All I know is you grow up, you get a job, you pay your bills and stay healthy (I added that one myself). All else is just fluff...

Not all single people can have sex and date.

All can, but some don't want to - that's their choice.

Maybe it is normal for people who can get those things to be happy with being single for the rest of their lives, but I doubt most people would be happy with being single and not being able to get those things for the rest of their lives.

I have friends who don't date or have sex but are single and they're pretty content in their lives. Those things don't define happiness...
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 110
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 5/2/2008 12:11:05 AM
I don't think it is wrong at all. I have no problem at all telling the entire universe that I hate being single. I really don't care how anyone else feels about it. If they can be happy being single, that is fine too.
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 111
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 5/2/2008 3:06:23 AM
I think you are right; it does get lonely for everyone.

I like when so many people have this plastic smile on and say I'm so complete and awesome and I dont need anyone. Well we all do.
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 112
view profile
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 5/2/2008 3:28:39 AM
Because it hurts inside and not having anyone to be with is like being isolated on an island. Yes, we can go out and meet people but if they don`t want to be with you or you with them then there`s nothing you can do. I come home from work and think about my ex g/f and what she`s doing. Many times I didn`t want to go to her place because I liked doing my own thing . Now, I feel the loss and wish I had her back so that I wouldn`t feel so lonely. I hate being alone. Yes it hurts, no one around on weekends, family and friends are busy etc, etc, . I`m waiting for my dog to be born this summer then I won`t be alone. Isn`t that a laugh.
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 113
view profile
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 5/2/2008 4:01:14 AM
I've lived alone for ten of the last twelve years. A combination of shyness and an unwillingness to settle for less than I wanted (unrealistic or not) has kept me single for most of my life. I was at the age of 33 before I ever entered into a serious relationship. She'd moved in with me very quickly and before long things proceeded to go bad, to the point of being scary.

Of course being choosy hadn't prevented me from falling in love with the wrong girl. She had a terrifying temper that, when coupled with her dishonesty, selfishness and laziness, made it absolutely neccasary to end it after two years. It is with a fair amount of confidence that I place the majority of the faults in this relationship on her.

There were a few occasions when we could manage to last almost a week between battles. The thing I've come to realize about myself, is that even in the good times I would still rather be living alone. For me, having a girlfriend for two or three days is great as long as I get to have a house to myself for a couple of days in between.

Just as I have conditioned myself for being alone, there are others who always want to have another's company at all times. I've seen people who seemed to be miserable in their last relationship become desperate to find a new mate or to reconnect with their ex almost immediately upon finding themselves single.

I realize that single life for me isn't always spectacular, but as far as deeply commited relationships go, that ship may have already sailed. But I can live with that.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 115
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 5/2/2008 4:37:07 AM

uglybetty and pbaby: I've been single for going on 5 yrs.. totally single..totally my choice. And at 41 I've had MY fill of the single life at this point. Doesn't make me desperate..I CAN still be PICKY.

I totally agree with you.

Most people I speak with who say they are "single" usually are referring to not living with or having a significant relationship, but still date /go out occasionally and have sex with someone. that is the point I was making in my last entry on this thread.

I hear ya.

To each his own..but I would prefer to find someone with whom I can be in a relationship with than be single after this much time spent alone.

It's just different for me, I've been single more than I've been involved, and always lived alone, so I can't be sick of it - I don't know any other way. For people who've lived with someone or been married a long time or longer than they've been single, it makes sense they'd miss it. Nothing to miss here. I've been living alone since maybe 22 (I lived at home till 20, I was a late leaver, and then had roommates for about two years after that - lived alone ever since. Quieter and much less drama).

Therefore I can't truthfully say I can't be alone, or I'm not happy single - there's no reference of comparison. Even in relationships, I still lived alone and had someone in my life but it was never all consuming. I come from the other end where I'd have to get used to someone living with me, sleeping in my bed, etc etc...I mean even living at home for the first 10 years of my life I was an only child. Therefore solitude is just like breathing for me.

I can honestly say after 41 yrs I think I know 'me' pretty well and probably better than anyone, and I love me just as much as I love my family and friends. I want to get to know someone that well from the opposite sex again.

As most here have said, nothing wrong with that unless you're making decisions based on ONLY that...those who miss someone but are still very picky about what they want are totally healthy about it.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 119
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 5/2/2008 10:15:23 AM

everyone hates being alone.

With the exception of this statement which is too absolute, I totally agree with bignbeautiful18...

Saying everyone either hates or loves being alone (or anything else) is just projection. The truth is different people have different tolerances for what they like/want in their environment.

But I totally agree with not letting fear of ANYTHING run your life, including being single.

Interesting thing is, in tribal cultures, social isolation is often the consequence for serious infractions of group standards. The offender is free to move about but is completely ignored by everyone. If done for too long, the offender will become suicidal. Quite inhumane really.

Yes, but this thread is more about an SO - not being acknowleged by an entire village is a far cry from not dating someone. We all have community - so just because you're not dating or living with someone doesn't mean you're isolated or totally alone (unless of course you view an SO as the only way to be social).
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 121
view profile
Why Is It Wrong To Hate Being Alone?
Posted: 8/12/2008 12:17:12 AM
Hate it? It's the only way to be! I like being alone with Susan, or with Jill, or with Debby, or with . . . you get it. It's worse when you're down and out as well. Around here, everyone's poor - the butler's poor, the maid is poor, the chauffer is broke . . .
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >