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 AUTHOR
 phoenix.rising
Joined: 4/11/2007
Msg: 13
Sticking up for Absent Parent?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
I really believe that you need to open up a dialogue with your daughter about why she believes the things that she does. My youngest daughter will be turning 8 next month and while she knows why her father isnt around, she sometimes struggles a great deal with the fact that he doesnt call or write. It breaks my heart every time she has seen the mail sitting on the counter and she asks me if he has written to her... so I have taken to ensuring that I do not get the mail when I am with her and that i dont leave any mail lying around to trigger her thoughts and pain. When she asks me, I am honest. I dont know why he hasnt written to her and I tell her so.

Ask her why she believes that the is sick. Talk to her about her feelings and do not offer reasons or excuses for him. He doesnt deserve it. If you dont know why he isnt around tell her so. If you do, perhaps now is the time to tell her. My oldest daughter often asked me why she didnt have a daddy and I simply told her that the man that helped me to have her wasnt ready to be a daddy but i was ready to be a mommy so now it was just the two of us.

Fill your daughters life with positive male role models. Friends, uncles, grandfathers, cousins. Make sure that she is able to spend time with these people doing "father daughter" things so that she gets their influence and love to fill the void left by the absense of her father.

You can't remove the pain but you can make it easier to bear. He is the one that will have to justify is absence - not you.

Good luck.
 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 20
Sticking up for Absent Parent?
Posted: 3/5/2008 6:26:12 AM
Keep reassuring her the that she is loved, but tell her the truth about her dads whereabouts. If you don't know then tell her that when she asks. I tell my son that his dad is somewhere in PA but I don't know where, because it's true. I also told him that I don't know why he doesn't come around. I used to tell him that his dad lives to far, but he knows how to read maps now and can see that it's only 1 state away. It's best to tell them whtat you know. If they find out later that you didn't they will blame you or wonder what else you didn't tell them.
 MelissainMI
Joined: 10/4/2006
Msg: 22
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History
Sticking up for Absent Parent?
Posted: 3/5/2008 10:06:28 PM
My daughter's father lives in Texas, we are in Michigan..I call every so often but have decided not to call anymore. I never disrespect my ex in front of my child or even at all..I do tell her that he does love her and that he lives in another state. she does not want to talk to him on the phone, does not know him..she is 7. Everynow and then she'll bring him up and I will try to tell her the truth to the question. When he was incarcerated for 5yrs she asked about him maybe 3x's, once where he lived, if we were visiting him and if he was at work. I answered them to the best of my ability/her age level.


Good Luck, this is a hard thing to deal with, my daughter's questions always stammer me and it takes me a minute to answer because of shock really. she never talks about him. I make pictures available to her of him and I or just him. I want her to know that she was created out of love but things didnt work out btwn us.
 MelissainMI
Joined: 10/4/2006
Msg: 24
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History
Sticking up for Absent Parent?
Posted: 3/6/2008 9:22:52 PM
I agree, I dont want my daughter to know why we split up(he cheated while I was pregnant) I jsut want her to know that there are good things to her dad and Im open about him. I never want to hear "you never let me" or "you never told me" from either of them..so I keep that window of opportunity open for them. My child will come to know her father on her own terms..not mine. Our problems were OUR problems, not my daughter's.
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