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 ~*Angel Eyes*~
Joined: 2/17/2008
Msg: 26
Marriage proposal rejected Page 2 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Now is when you need to decide, is it worth carrying on the relationship? Did you ever talk about marriage before? Did he ever say he wanted to get married? If you're in later twenties + do you have any children? Do you want any? I think you need to decide what you want, if you want to settle or not...... I personally would end if it I felt it was at a dead end & not going any further, seems like a waste to continue something that isn't moving forward. I used to say I expected a proposel after at LEAST 3 years, and past that, i'd question the relationship.
 southernlass
Joined: 5/2/2006
Msg: 27
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 6:00:47 AM
If you want marriage and made that clear in the beginning as you were talking about exclusivity etc., and he's not interested in marriage after three years of being with you, I don't think that's going to change. In the interim though, I would tell him that you're rethinking the exclusivity clause between you because you do want a serious commitment with a partner instead of just playing house or doing the weekend dating thing. And then start dating.

The thing is, once you actually start putting yourself out there and getting ready to date others, you'll likely not want to see him anymore. It will be too awkward and hurtful to do so. I mean, what is the point if the man isn't going to marry you? He's telling you what he feels loud and clear and the message isn't what a woman who desires serious commitment wants to hear. It's going to hurt. You'll need to grieve it for awhile but once you get over it you'll be glad you didn't hang around to be his regular weekend booty call. And you'll be a lot better off with the kind of partner who isn't afraid to take a relationship to the next step -- serious commitment.
 Arugula
Joined: 11/5/2006
Msg: 28
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 6:06:03 AM
It sounds to me as if the both of you have been clear about your expectations of a long-term relationship from the beginning...and both of you care enough for each other that you both hope the other will change his/her mind.

It sounds like he truly cares for you, and you obviously care for him. I've been clear about not wanting marriage. I'd feel betrayed if a long-term partner proposed to me. I'd feel backed into a corner..as if they were forcing me to choose marriage or nothing. I bet he's hurt too.

I'd love to have his place/my place and stay at whichever was convenient for both of us. I'd give a lot for that kind of a trusting and committed relationship...where both of us felt secure in the love of the other. But if it's not what you want, maybe you should leave. Don't push him. That would make me pull farther away. Don't turn it into an "or else" situation. If he gives in...that will foster resentment. If he doesn't..you've lost all.

Best of wishes to you both.
 Greg8001
Joined: 9/15/2007
Msg: 29
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 6:12:33 AM
I think 3.5 years is long enough for anyone to decide whether they can commit to marriage. I think how your relationship goes from here depends on whether you feel you need to marry to keep the relationship going.
 quietcowboy
Joined: 12/25/2007
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 6:22:14 AM
I think you are doing a smart thing by giving the whole thing time, you waited 3 1/2 years a little longer is water over the damn. Are you sure about what you are willing to live with?
 acuteblueeyes
Joined: 12/31/2007
Msg: 31
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 7:57:35 AM
You said...."he doesn't want to live with anyone." We are both the hermit types...........

Well that explains it to me......He doesn't want to live the way you do......which has nothing to do with whether or not he loves or cares about you....
Some people are unable to give up their....space.....their comfort zone......their sanctuary....

What's wrong with a committed relationship....living separately.....????
 StrangerInTheHouse
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 32
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 8:34:27 AM
Maybe he's not ready. Maybe he feels he needs to do other things before he does that. Better that he was square with you. He could have been a real jerk and taken you to the cleaners. He's probably a good friend and maybe that kind of relationship isn't just for him.
If marriage is that important to you, though; you'll probably have to find someone else if that's what you've invested all this time into trying to find.
 spearheadfish
Joined: 12/29/2007
Msg: 33
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 8:45:52 AM
first let me send u a warm and let u know how truly sorry I am that u were rejected in such a way but put ur game face back on girl cause all is not loss.Ur guy friend sounds like he has commitment issues.U see he is and has been skirting around the outside of a committed relationship but yet close enough to make u believe he was really in this with u mentally.Take time to reflect while u r away from him for a bit ok and then try to project a little as far as ur time with him,u know see where the 2 of u have been so far and then try to see where the 2 of u will be later on down the road a piece.Good luck
 luvsouth135
Joined: 8/11/2006
Msg: 34
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 8:51:52 AM
Southernlass,

I agree with you totally.
 xxdragon
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 35
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 9:13:33 AM
To OP-
Hmmmm originally I was going to blast you for wanting to walk away from your relationship of 3.5 years due to your fellow saying no. As someone else said, marriage is not the end goal or the holy grail of a relationship. I think when people set it up as such it is pure bullshit. As in we have been together for x years but because he/she wont marry me I am walking away - so what is/was your relationship? Something to do?? Once you get married then what?

Well having said the above and read more of the posting, you guys arent living together and basically dating on in the evenings and weekends? WTF?? After 3.5 years I need to say to your fellow, what are you thinking? Let me hold the door open for you (him) so it doesnt hit you in the ass on your way out. In this case time to move on.

Good luck!
Cheers
D
 TallAndDark68123
Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 36
view profile
History
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 11:55:52 AM
He wants a LTR just not with you. Seems you wasted enough time on this guy and he had his cake and was eating it too!

My guess is that he will wait you out and see if you'll come back under his terms.

Move on now and don't wait so long next time. Once your serious about a guy again discuss your long term goals and life.

Good luck!
 Bethlett
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 37
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 12:00:41 PM
All I can say is..next time you friggin go to FIJI....CALL ME FIRST. I WANNA GO!
 youmightthink
Joined: 2/29/2008
Msg: 38
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 12:05:12 PM
The logic in most of these posts is flawed, and based on antiquated views of marriage.

Marriage doesn't guarantee anything. It doesn't guarantee fidelity, honesty, commitment, or anything else. It's simply a paper that allows you to fight over money later on, and whomever makes more gets to then support a person they no longer care about.

So the question is, why do you want to get married? What is it about marriage that seems so attractive to you?
 tralaza
Joined: 2/10/2008
Msg: 39
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 3:20:55 PM
Because of my upbringing, I have a different view about marriage. I'm the only one in my family who has ever been divorced! My parents were married 50 years! Sister married 30 years.

He knows about my trip as I had invited him to go but he couldn't get away from work on such short notice.

I suppose I fear he might be telling me what I want to hear as not to hurt me.

I am going to be re evaluating the relationship during this time apart.

I don't see how living separate can really be a committed relationship when we are still living separate lives. If I am to compromise what I want because I love him, I think he should be willing to compromise some because he loves me.
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 40
view profile
History
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 3:51:42 PM
OP - I'd think that by 3.5 years, a couple should know if they want to get married or not. I don't think you and BF are on the same page in life. My question is WHY hasn't he proposed to you by now? It doesn't even seem that the two of you are living together. Personally, I think it's the ol "why have the cow when I can have the milk" type of scenario. He doesn't want to "end" the relationship, yet he doesn't want to get married to YOU! You need to figure out if he really wants to get married, if so, is it to you or someone else.

My question to YOU, is why do you want marriage? Look inside and figure out how marriage is important to you and why. I'd rather you find out now that you aren't right for each other, than if you proceed into a marriage you shouldn't. I think you should pull the reins on the relationship, let him know that you don't want to see him for awhile (you've gotta be strong on this one), to think things out. Simply put, you need your space.
 smileyface34
Joined: 11/24/2007
Msg: 41
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 3:55:44 PM
I've read many relationship books & just recently watched a TV show that dealt with this topic, and they all pretty well say the same thing. IF you want to be living with him and eventually get married, but he's saying he doesn't want these things - then YOU either need to ACCEPT THIS or MOVE ON, because HE should KNOW by now if he wants to be with you for the rest of his life. Maybe he knows but he wants to hold onto to you - until he finds the "right one" for him. I've heard stories of men who say they didn't want to be married, but after a break-up, they meet another woman and within a year or two they are married! How does one explain that, except to say that obviously the other woman was not the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Obviously your guy doesn't want to marry you (or live with you) and he has been honest with you - so, you cannot change his mind about this. Either he really would rather live alone OR he's just not that into you - at least not as a lifetime partner. He probably does love you and want to be with you - but perhaps not forever (he will not tell it to you this way, since he wouldn't want to hurt you).

I know it's very painful to hear us say these things - but this is not the time for you to be in denial or to just look at his good qualities. This is about what really matters to you. If you can tolerate not being married to him or living with him (and be very honest here), then stay with him. But if you want to live with him eventually, and maybe even get married someday - then I believe that you KNOW what you should do.

It's never easy to say good-bye to someone you really love and have formed a strong bond/attachment with - but many of us have had to either break up with someone we loved, or have had it done to us.

Whatever you decide to do, please think good & hard about this. Do NOT ever give him an ultimatum (the relationship experts all agree to never do this). Instead, if you will be breaking up with him, be nice to him, tell him you love him, but that you both want different things out of life, so you will be moving on. Do not in any way make him feel guilty - and never think that you wasted your time with him - because we all LEARN and GROW from all our relationships. If you had 3.5 good years with him - be thankful for that, because some of us have been alone for the last few years (like me).

You need to decide what is BEST and RIGHT for YOU. Just remember that if you decide to stay with him - you will have to ACCEPT him the way he IS and never try to change him in any way (no one likes that).

P.S. Wishing you the very best. Be strong!
 Racygirl
Joined: 6/22/2007
Msg: 42
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 4:20:59 PM
If his big problem is cohabitation why not suggest you get married and live next door to one another lol. That would be my ideal marriage, Ive gotten used to living the way I like.

Just because he doent want to marry you doesnt mean he doesnt love you or not be committed to you, sounds like he just likes things the way they are. Is that really a bad thing?

If he treats you well, hasnt cheated, loves and supports you why would you get rid of him just because he doesnt want to get married? Seems silly to me
 Sabrosura
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 43
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 4:36:09 PM
Sorry to hear about this.

Curious - Did you both have the talk about marriage? The length of your relationship seems to me that you both would have covered most of the important topics of a long-term relationship. i.e. children, marriage, etc.................I don't know how I would react if this happened to me, but I know that IF I did I would have covered these topics beforehand.

Best,

 Aurora772
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 44
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 5:08:31 PM
My thinking is if there is no marriage or no living together then what else is there? Just continuing to date on the weekends for the next 20 years? Somehow that doesn't seem all that appealing to me.


OP, if you're already sleeping with him, and he gets his own space, then he has everything he needs. Why would he ever want to change that? There's no need for marriage from his perspective.

From my perspective, dating on the weekend for the next 20 years would be absolutely wonderful.
 tralaza
Joined: 2/10/2008
Msg: 45
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 6:36:20 PM
aurora, well his endless sex fountain has just dried up!

Everyone is giving good advice here. I think some time apart will help us both clarify what we really want.
 Lil Brooker
Joined: 12/29/2007
Msg: 46
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 6:43:29 PM
Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free? You don't have to build a barn nor do you have the hard work of tending hayfields and harvest.

You obviously love this man. At this point, you have to ask yourself what are your boundaries and what is *your* level of trust in his commitment?

If it were me, I'd tell him that I love him, that I want to spend the rest of my life with him but that it appears that he doesn't share the same depth of feeling or trust in our future. And then I'd close the door and move on. Close the relationship. No lingering, unless he wants to open the door again. He may change his tune if he believes that you are serious (and if he really is commited to you). Don't hold your breath, though. I am so sorry for you that his answer, after 3.5 years, was no.
 custis
Joined: 3/16/2005
Msg: 47
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/4/2008 6:55:02 PM
Why is marriage so important? Is he rich? Ask him if a prenup will make him feel better about it. Why not just live together? Or do you just want to wear his name long enough so that you can dump him and take everything he owns?
 tralaza
Joined: 2/10/2008
Msg: 48
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/5/2008 4:08:02 AM
^^^Just a wee bit bitter? Oh my, you discovered my evil plot! Yes I plan to marry him since I make 3 times more than he does and then divorce him and take everything he owns!
 smileyface34
Joined: 11/24/2007
Msg: 49
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/5/2008 1:17:46 PM
Msg.#58 - Curtis - If YOU had read the responses OP gave throughout this thread, you wouldn't have made the stupid, inappropriate comments that you made!

That's a major problem with these threads - oftentimes people will make certain comments or be totally judgemental, - however, if they had read previous posts, they would KNOW what was going on & wouldn't be making such inappropriate comments.

At the very least, people should READ all of the 'OP's' comments to get the WHOLE STORY (on 'each' thread started on the forums) - although they could skip the other posts from the forum 'responders'. It's just wrong for someone to put their 2 cents worth IF they ONLY read the first (original) thread post!! However, there are exceptions where one can just read the first thread post and make their suggestions or give advice - but that's not all the time! Oftentimes, it's necessary for the OP to add more information as things come up, or as the responders ask questions, etc.
 fancynanci
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 50
view profile
History
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/5/2008 1:21:31 PM
first of all, I wouldn't propose to a man. I don't want to get married again. Secondly, why not let the man do the proposing? Men like us old-fashioned types
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