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Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 51
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Marriage proposal rejected Page 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
He doesn't sound confused to me. Lots of men are fine with some connection ... even up to living with each other ... but would say "no" to marraige. Long Term Relationship doesn't automatically mean a person wants marraige.

Try asking him. Is this a no for the moment and, if so why. Or, is this a no, not ever.

If it is "not ever" and you can live with that, build the relationship you can mutually agree upon. If you can't live with that, cut bait.

It is is no for the moment, be careful, you might be being strung along. But, you can at least talk about it and decide how much more you are willing to invest in the relationship.

If you can't communicate with each other over a topic as important as this one, then you aren't ready for the communications required for a successful marraige in any event.
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 52
view profile
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/5/2008 1:33:37 PM
OP: you need to state all the details of your situation in your initial post, and not scatter them throughout the thread. There was some pertinent info that you left out of the original post.

It sounds like he shined you on with the "I'm not ready yet." I guess you know now that he's not coming around to the idea of marriage, and that he also wasn't straightforward enough to let you know that. Sounds like a good idea to move on from this relationship. Good luck.
Joined: 11/24/2007
Msg: 53
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/5/2008 3:13:53 PM
Msg.#66 - Aerofare414 - Maybe he does LOVE her, but is he "in love" with her? Only OP knows for sure - and if she doesn't, she should find this out ASAP! We can love a lot of people, but we are not "in love" with everyone we go out with.

Some people stay in relationships not always for love. MANY people FEAR being ALONE and/or starting over with someone NEW. I've read (many times) that people stick with what they're MOST comfortable with - and starting over is not familiar nor comfortable for most people. I know of some couples who shouldn't be together, but stay out of fear, insecurities, because they think they can't get any better (a guy friend of mine told me this once), and other reasons. Sometimes it is because of love, but if a relationship is not what BOTH people NEED & WANT, then I think it's best that people split up, but often they do not. I realize (and know) how difficult it really is to say good-bye to someone you love - nevertheless, people need to decide what they can and cannot tolerate or accept in a relationship, so that they can know whether they should stay or go.

OP - I agree with msg.#66 - you need to have more "talks" with your guy & see what he may want for the future with you. I think that if he CANNOT answer this question, then I believe that he's not "in love" with you enough - although he may certainly "love you" - 2 very different things. Make sure to get clear, distinct answers from him - if he refuses to get specific with you - well, at least you'll know more where you stand with him (what people say, or don't say, tells you a lot about someone).

Good luck to you. Be strong, and do what you 'need' to do for 'yourself', even if you FEAR being alone or having to deal with pain - if you end up saying good-bye to him. You will get through this tough time - just hang in there, OP.
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 54
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/5/2008 3:37:30 PM
Smart guy.

Is he cognizant of prenups being overturned in courts...I and millions of men are.
I'm sure the Paul McCartney/Heather Mills thing, along with 100's of other sick
abuses has seeped into his unconscious mind and influenced his decision.

I keep telling everyone I know. The judicial system and it's severe favoring of a womens rights only HURTS women in the long run............and here's a prime example.

I am sorry you're hurt. I know it sucks and feels like a personal rejection, but, if he still wants to continue seeing you and provides you with love and affection....then, what's the problem??
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 55
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/5/2008 4:02:15 PM
fullonpro, well put.
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 56
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/5/2008 4:18:35 PM
I would take a hike. If he says no after3.5 years I doubt he will say yes after 5 years. So unless you are happy with the way it is. Get out your pole throw him back in the pond and go fishing. A word of encouragement a friend of mine had the same difficulty. She said to her sweetie commit or get lost. They got married February 23 of this year.
Joined: 7/15/2006
Msg: 57
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/5/2008 4:22:25 PM
I think since women aren't on the asking side of things, we're not experienced in
handling rejection as much as men. That could be perhaps why men come off as
'not caring' to us because they usually have to be prepared for some rejection, or
barb, or insult whenever try to to extend themselves. But that's another subject.

Historically, over the centuries, women were permitted to propose to a man on
Feb 29th and if he refused, HE WAS FINED!!!! That law still exists, but nobody
enforces it anymore. It might be interesting to tell your intended that the letter
of the law is this. And then FINE him... say I dunno. $500 so you could go shop-
ping and get over your rejection! lol
Joined: 11/17/2007
Msg: 58
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/5/2008 4:23:53 PM
What would i do ? I'd move on,,, he isnt into a commitment. On that note there is nothing else to say. Sure, you will hurt but at leas you know where you stand...
Joined: 12/20/2007
Msg: 59
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/5/2008 4:42:22 PM
My sister had this problem but six years later he proposed, why bother.

You know yourself well enough to know that you want to commit and he doesnt.

My sisters boyfriend didnt know they are in their forties, and after six years she broke with him she wanted more, he didnt.

he was forced tothink about it and three weeks later said he couldnt imagine life without her so they may as well be married, would she like him to buy the ring or did she want to get herself.........

ho hum......... but she is happy, and the matter is settled. thank god

After six years of phone calls from her going on about him and seeing her hurt, I am now planning the wedding, why not, i could say what I want think, but, why spoil it for her.,a nd she did insist I keep my opinion to myself.

I am looking forward to be the wedding planner and creating a magical day, even if I think the other half is a bit lame and she deserves someone more eager about the whole thing.

Youset yourself up for that one, if you love him as my sister loves hers then let it go and dont worry about it and get on with it.

Men always appreciate women who dont push or insist on them making a life long comittment, its a huge responsibility and they start fantasing about having sex with a really old woman in her 80's their wife in 40 or 50 years and it freaks them out.

Or they jsut cant imagine it at the moment, so dont pressure him, yoru ready he is not, and if you are gracious about it, i am sure he will propose when he is ready.

I myself am a commitment phobic, and cant say for life or till death do us part and thats jsut being honest, Ican do long term
Joined: 12/20/2007
Msg: 60
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/5/2008 4:48:21 PM
the wedding is in 18 months to to two years time, he is hardly eager or rushing a head, he is doing it because he has too, she is making him, that is what she wants.

Ho hum... plentyof time to plan, and I expect we wont have much input from him except the budget and I amsure it will be agreat day, but these things are rarely the fairy tale some girls expect and most (not all) men go along with it out of obligation and becuase they do want you to be happy after all, but give him time to make a decison it could take years....

Love is all you need
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 61
view profile
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/5/2008 5:16:22 PM

If someone rejected your proposal, what would you do?

I would send him a dozen roses and thank him profusely for maintaining a cool head while I was temporarily insane!
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 62
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/5/2008 8:45:43 PM
I have a cousin that rejected 2 marriage proposals from his fiance. They've been together maybe 13 years. It is sad. She's never been married and wants to get married. He's been married twice (once lasted less than a year).

What's really sad is she was a model when they first dated. She was 29. I had a crush on her. Now 13 years later, she looks very haggared. She used her looks on a man that still won't marry her.
Joined: 2/10/2008
Msg: 63
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/5/2008 9:58:50 PM
I'm deciding what I want to say and I plan to talk to him again later. I'm going to try to find out more about his true feelings on this.

Haven't heard from him all week and that isn't help things either.
Joined: 2/19/2008
Msg: 64
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/6/2008 1:28:46 AM
short story,short answer:do you want to be married, or with this guy-seems like you've got a choice to make...
Joined: 12/25/2007
Msg: 65
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Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/6/2008 7:38:14 AM

I'm deciding what I want to say and I plan to talk to him again later. I'm going to try to find out more about his true feelings on this.

Haven't heard from him all week and that isn't help things either.

Hang in there, I like your approach(including the marriage proposal). Nothing needs to happen over night and at some point you may be force to make a decision. It might as well be after all the facts are in and most of the negative emotions that you may be feeling are out.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 66
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Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/6/2008 7:46:10 AM
Have you talked about marriage? A marriage proposal out of the blue one would not necessarily expect an acceptance although after 3.5 years, if marriage is what you want, and he is close to your age or older, he is not going to marry you period.

I assume that you have separate residences, do you spend most of your time together or would marriage be a huge adjustment from the way that you spend your time together now? Did he say anything about cohabitating instead of marrying? If his parents divorced, he could have strong anti-feelings about marriage but not opposed to a committed long-term relationship.

You left out many details that would help people to give you advice.
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 67
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/6/2008 7:48:05 AM
Hmmm so I ignored a part of the question...

I'm married, so I'm not likely to be in your position soon, if ever...

But, if I thought the person would be a good mate and respected me and I really thought it was a wonderful idea, then I'd ask again... and maybe again after that.

Somtimes these things take time to materialize, the best things are worth waiting for, etc, etc...

Some of the best ideas in life have to be brought up a number of times before they're accepted and then the only thing that proves their value is time itself.

Conversely, if the person told me in no uncertain terms that it was never going to happen... no chance... then I'd leave it alone.
Joined: 12/23/2007
Msg: 68
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/6/2008 9:55:18 AM
Time IS Relative...

3.5 yrs may not be enough time to realize if he wants to spend the next 10, 20, 30, 40+ yrs with you. A woman asks a guy to marry her once and she's up in arms...
There's people who are happily married nw and the guy had to ask 3+ times for a DATE...
Joined: 11/7/2007
Msg: 69
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/6/2008 10:02:33 AM
ET1000: ^^^You've got a good point. :)
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 70
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/6/2008 10:38:50 AM
A little distance will be good. The thing is that he is not consciously thinking about the next level. He is happy where he is and so were you. But as is the case with most women, they want to push the relationship further and more solid. Nothing wrong with that, it's a woman's thing. Guys in the other hand have a phobia of commitment. So, here's the deal, do you guys love each other? If you do, you will survive this. If you don't, then you won't survive this. However, whenever you ask something this serious, also expect a no answer. To which you need to ask each other. What will be different when you marry? Why would you like to marry? Where do you see each other in 5 years? If the answer is together then both need to work at it. If not. Move on.

Now in the next couple of days or even weeks, he is going to miss you desperately. So he is going to do a lot of thinking, he's going to do a lot of soul searching. It is not going to be easy, for him or you. But give it about a week and a half. Then it's time to talk.
 Mr Bain
Joined: 12/6/2004
Msg: 71
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/6/2008 10:51:40 AM
He's an idiot.

Go find a better man.
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 72
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/6/2008 11:06:32 AM
Because, I'm am going to get married when I'm 22 or almost 22 and within a year after I graduate, if a guy rejected my proposal, I would quickly move on the next guy. However, I cannot speak for you. You must decide if the relationship with the guy is worth more than marriage with some other guy.

WTF! This is exactly the selfishness that I see so commonly among women today and apply to OP as well! Your indescretionary drive to get married involves a guy, but any guy willing to take the bait. You do not consider love or committment becasue if you did, the "ultimatum" would never been delivered or even contemplated.

In OPs case, her BF wants to keep a committed relationship but refuse to sign the providership contract. And somehow he gets painted as the villain when in reality it is OP's and women's (like the quoted above) selfish drives that puts these guys in a loose/loose situation. So OP, if you feel the need to get married or feel that his rejection is unwarranted, then do him a huge favor and cut him loose. After all, if these thoughts even cross your mind then you do not love him.
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 73
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/6/2008 11:12:27 AM

aurora, well his endless sex fountain has just dried up!

So OP. What are you saying. Sex in exchange for a marriage? Sounds more like a bribe to me.
Joined: 2/10/2008
Msg: 74
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/6/2008 2:38:01 PM
As for asking him again, I don't think I'll do that. I recall standing my ex husband up a couple of times when we first started dated but he was persistent.

A bit of an update. As difficult as it has been this week, I did not call nor did I do anything. I know a couple times I felt like just driving over there and a few times I felt like calling him up and telling him off but I did nothing.

Last night he calls me and his attitude certainly was different for sure.

He was definitely switched on into courting mode! He has planned a lovely date for us and then he offered to do some manly things around the house for me and I graciously accepted and so I may make him some homemade bread but I do intend to keep my knickers on.

Well folks it has finished raining so time to collect some fresh eggs from my chooks.
Joined: 2/7/2006
Msg: 76
Marriage proposal rejected
Posted: 3/6/2008 3:01:57 PM
Well first of all...if he had NO plans of ever asking YOU...then I dont see a problem walking away. There is nothing worse that wasting someone elses time for 3.5 years if they have no intention of ever committing. Thats BS.
If you blew it for him...and he had grandiose plans of taking you up in a hot air balloon and asking for your hand...thats anther story entirely...the question then becomes, when was he gonna get off his lazy @$$ and do it?

Some advice from a guy....DO NOT...I repeat...DO NOT force him into anything he doesn't want. Of course he doesn't want the relationship to end. He has it good... It's when responsibility and commitment creeps in that he gets nervous that case...walk away. Cash your chips in and go home.
If he decided to marry you just because he thinks that's what will win you guys will be done for in less than 3 years...
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