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 heathenspirit
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 51
why do men think they can use women for sex?Page 3 of 51    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)

if he wanted to treat me like a whore and use me for sex, he should have said so. but we discussed seeing each other again.


Generally women don't respond particularly well when you say "I would like to treat you like a whore and use you for sex." It's not all that romantic.

Often men want to have sex. In fact, most of the time. So, they know that women almost never give it up without the appearance of romance, respect, and the potential for love. So, men pretend. They say want the woman wants to hear.
Yah, it's game playing, but as evident in the OP, it often works.

So, if women did actually respond favourably to lines like "I would like to treat you like a whore and use you for sex" then men might actually start stating their intentions honestly. Until then, the game demands creating the illusion that's it about more than just the sex. Even when it isn't.
 kevinmach
Joined: 3/29/2007
Msg: 52
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 11:38:49 AM
OP, here's something that may help you take it a little less personally. One is my opinion, two is the modern relationship advice equivalent, that I happen to subscribe to based on my own experiences and talking to my friends. EVERYONE should read #2.

1 - Don't look view your sexuality as something to give or that you "gave him", to which you expect ANYTHING in return. Do it because you want to, but really, for either a man or woman to expect much beyond what happens in the moment is slightly manipulative and a good way to end up disappointed.

2- This is not my theory, but I have found it very much to be true for both genders. When two people have sex too quickly-before comfort and real bonding have been established, this is very often the result with one of the two parties:

The Girl: She realizes afterward that she doesn't really know the guy and isn't that comfortable with him, and regrets having been intimate. Now- mainly because of societies stigmas and stereotypes-she feels like slut. Like she was used. And these feelings can actually intensify if she likes the guy, since she is worried about his opinion. VERY OFTEN, in this case, it is the girl who will not call the guy back because she associates these feelings of guilt and shame with him, which makes her feel like crap. So she chose to avoid him.

This was not entirely the case with you, because you were willing to call him again. But I have exchanged MANY stories with guys who were totally confused when they hooked up with a girl too soon, there seemed to be attraction and chemistry, and she just bolted or pushed them away.

The Guy: The guy has sex too soon and may fear the worst-that there is now some unspoken commitment, or that he feels pressured to now act a certain way because you were intimate, or he may realize that he's not as into her after he's thought about it more (this happens all the time with dating where no sex is involved, where you feel totally different about a situation after having some time to think about it).

There is always a possibility that either party could have been just out to get laid, but the scenarios above happen more often than you think. And it only takes one of these parties to feel this way for the whole thing to come crashing down.

In other words, it may not have been a rejection of you personally, but a rejection of the now complicated situation that is now ahead of both of you.
 ktengu
Joined: 1/24/2008
Msg: 53
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 11:39:21 AM
It's a fair exchange, don't act like you didn't get anything out of it. I love how girls think they get used for sex. You don't like sex?
 racer256
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 54
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 11:39:59 AM
I have no great answer, but using someone is a little wrong...Weve all done it, though...Dont give it up on the first date, "Wait till the second date"!..Jus joking...You have to feel comfortable with the situation, stand you ground...If you dont want to get used, dont give it out so quickly...Sometimes with GREAT CHEMISTRY, THE FIRST DATE...NO PROBLEM...Next time wait...Hang in there..
 Tumbao
Joined: 2/3/2008
Msg: 55
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 11:40:28 AM
This seems blunt, but I can't think of another way to put it: You having sex with him doesn't create any obligation on his end. Perhaps he wasn't going to call you the next day, regardless. People do have a tendency to take the easy way out...I'm sure for him it was easier not to contact you anymore than to explain why he was just gonna "hit it and quit it".

If you took having sex with him out of the equation, would you still be [as] upset that he didn't call you?

I'm not being unsympathetic...it can't be a good feeling for you. But he could be on the other end thinking that he can't trust you because you said one thing and did another. It may have hurt your feelings that he didn't respond to your email, but he may have felt it would be rude to reply just to say "no longer interested".

Given the scenario that you described...it doesn't look like he used you for sex. It seems like a mutual thing with one or both parties having regrets afterwards.
 firegurl61-17
Joined: 11/22/2006
Msg: 56
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 11:47:59 AM
I am sorry this happened the way it did. Be more careful next time to not give too much of your heart and yourself before knowing it will be working toward a long term relationship. You made a lousy choice as alot of men and women do, but you shouldn't be hung from the rafters for it. Just hang in there and learn from it...I would cut off all contact with him, as some people like this are repeat offenders...men and women. If he tries to contact you..don't answer. You can reclaim yourself respect and the lesson learned here will be worth something.
 indehills
Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 57
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 11:55:21 AM
OP said:


That is cruel and inhuman.


I'm sorry, but ignoring e-mails and such is NOT cruel and inhuman.
 dentwebb
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 58
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 11:59:02 AM
"vixenette"

Well gorgeous, I would personally say you got what your profile asked for "some explosive chemistry" and that chemistry was exploded right into you! I would assume you enjoyed it?
 wondering1980
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 59
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 11:59:57 AM
well what happened to you happens to many others...a double standard...ask women as well why do they use men for sex....they tell you the same as most men who only want sex...
 JuJuBee
Joined: 1/24/2004
Msg: 60
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 12:00:40 PM
I'm sorry you got hurt in the process. Maybe the lessons you learn now will save you heartache later down the road.
 SmartnSassy2067
Joined: 1/29/2008
Msg: 61
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 12:09:52 PM
I must concur with Ms. Libre, that there is an ancient double standard that still exists to this day! Unbelievable, but it does. I recently ended a 3 and a half year relationship that started from one of those alternative sex sites...we realized that we had as much chemistry out of the sheets as we did, in them! It was fantastic...for a while. Eventually, that whole issue of me sleeping with him the first time we met, came to bite me in the ass! As much as we both went into it, knowing that's what we were doing, he held it against me every time we had an argument...regardless of what that argument was about. So, se'la'vi'...why am I viewed as having lower morals, when he was doing, and had done the same thing, in his life.

I'm in my sexual prime, and I love it! If you're true and honest to yourself, you won't have these self-depricating feelings of remorse when something like this happens again. And trust me it will, if not to you, to another female.

Ladies, we got start looking at dating in a whole new light! If you're strong, confident, and feel good about yourself, why would you let some guy bring you down, like that? We have needs, too...There's no reason to be ashamed of them. If you know what you want or need, go out and get it! There's some good toys on the market, but nothing compares to the warmth and touch of another person's body!! So ladies, start dating like you have a penis and you'll be pleasantly surprised at the amount of sex you can have!!

I know there's good guys out there, there's good girls, too. There's dogs and there's ****es...we all have to find that happy medium!

Be safe, everybody...
 ForeverLong
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 62
view profile
History
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 12:15:17 PM
Look at it this way, he is not using you for sex, it only happened once. It probably wasn't a good idea to have sex on the first date. I don't know why it ended there, I'm guessing he just wasn't interested in you after having sex?
 morphyboy
Joined: 2/20/2008
Msg: 63
view profile
History
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 12:22:09 PM
Rejection is never easy to cope with regardless of the circumstances. It's not very nice of him to ignore your emails, but this sort of thing happens all the time, to women and men. Maybe you didn't do it for him in bed and he doesn't how how to tell you that. Don't take it personally. All you can do is move on and perhaps take things a little slower next time.
 andyorange
Joined: 12/2/2007
Msg: 64
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 12:26:13 PM
Wait a minute. The sex was consensual, was it not? I would say that he no more "used" you then you "used" him. You both got the same thing out of it. Whether or not he decided to continue the relationship is a separate issue.
 ORCAANNA
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 65
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 12:29:42 PM
OP.... do not feel like the lone ranger. What you have described has happened to Women and Men for thousands of years. It is called sex!! that's all.... and you say he hasn't called you etc...- oh well, at least you know where you stand. My former husband could never really talk to me after sex either.... , and i wondered where i stood with him for nine years, and two children later....a lot of expended energy for not!!
 ciaobaby71
Joined: 2/24/2008
Msg: 66
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 12:35:52 PM
Rude or not of him , you set yourself up for this one....
 marcia76
Joined: 2/14/2008
Msg: 67
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 12:42:45 PM
OP - Don't see it as him "using" you. You got laid too didn't you? Chalk it up to a (hopefully) satisfying sexual experience and move on. He doesn't want to contact you afterwards? His loss.... no more nookie for that boy!!

Always practice safe sex - stay away from the kama sutra moves unless you're double jointed.....

Take care and don't let it affect your perspective too much.
 voltaire34
Joined: 7/2/2007
Msg: 68
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 12:52:47 PM
Its a crappy thing dear. No you shouldn't expect such treatment cause of what happened. In my experience it usually has been the other way around women using men for sex and I can attest to that but this posting is not about that. Keep your guard up and make these guys get to know you and if they really care bout you they will understand that and either move along on your terms or move on. Do your homework on these guys and put them thru a couple of tests every woman does this you know this. Hope this helps...Keep your head up and be strong cause there are lots more worthy fish in the sea.
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 69
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 12:56:23 PM

why do men think they can use women for sex?
A better question is why does a woman feel like they are used when the experience was clearly consenting?

I don't get it. It's also real easy to misunderstand what "explosive chemistry" means, and how a "Vixenette" usually behaves on first dates.

Also, I wouldn't mention anything about "no sex, no kissing, no one-night stands", anything that could be construed negative, before meeting. It sounds resumptuous, like anyone who is graced by your presence could not possibly feel like kissing and sexing you upon meeting you for the first time.

Of course it's ok to feel this way, but instead of pinning the failure of this dating experience on this guy's apparent "deception", perhaps you take some responsibility for the failure? Upon further review, you acted in ways that make you feel uncomfortable, how about recognizing your desire to have sex as something positive and recognize there is a time and place for everything? Instead, you look for people to acknowledge your rationalization that somehow you were "used".


I would like to know how other men feel about this happening to a woman.
Unless a woman were raped or drugged, I don't feel bad about a woman consenting to have sex with a man on a first date, and then the situation turns south on the woman. I could write a book on women's flaky dating behavior, but I choose not to relive sour-grape experiences.

This ain't rocket science. If you are on a date, you feel sexual urges gurgling inside you, or if your date comes on to you sexually, yet feel that first date sex is inappropriate, squelch the situation. This advice is applicable regardless of whether it is a man coming on to a woman, or vice versa (believe it or not, lots of women throw themselves unwelcomely onto guys in first date sex moves).
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 70
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 1:06:41 PM
I'm in my sexual prime, and I love it! If you're true and honest to yourself, you won't have these self-depricating feelings of remorse when something like this happens again. And trust me it will, if not to you, to another female.

Ladies, we got start looking at dating in a whole new light! If you're strong, confident, and feel good about yourself, why would you let some guy bring you down, like that? We have needs, too...There's no reason to be ashamed of them. If you know what you want or need, go out and get it! There's some good toys on the market, but nothing compares to the warmth and touch of another person's body!! So ladies, start dating like you have a penis and you'll be pleasantly surprised at the amount of sex you can have!!

More women should have this attitude. If you have it, have it cause you wanted it and took it, not weren't sure but gave it. It's all mindset and dynamics. And don't feel bad about it.

Disengage yourself from the emotional part of it, and just enjoy it - unless you're involved and attached, it's just a dildo that walks and talks. No harm in that, right? I doubt many men would argue it.
 mxk883
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 71
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 1:21:51 PM

..unless you're involved and attached, it's just a dildo that walks and talks..


Don't forget it occasionally buys you dinner or drinks as well!
 Sardonis
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 72
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 1:23:03 PM
I agree more women should have that attitude.
 creativewriter
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 73
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 1:41:38 PM
I guess I am a bit surprise that you have never experienced or known someone that has experienced this before? You did tell him you were not looking for anything serious and not a one night stand, obvioulsy he wasnt either. I would say he believed what you original said.

When you chose to let the moment move into complete intimacy, hes not really to blame for failing to put a stop to it, when you also had that choice to make.
I wonder if he thought that what you originally said to be true but after the fact, makes him not believe what you say, since you said one thing and your actions said another. Its unfortunate that you didnt think at that moment what the consequences would be later for yourself.

I would agree that he was not a decent person or a mature man to just completely ignore you after the fact, but its true that you didnt take time to get to know him well enough or you would have realized he wasnt worth sharing such an experience with.

Sorry that you got your feelings hurt but, although a harsh lesson, it should be a lesson well learned.
 oldiebutgoodie
Joined: 1/2/2006
Msg: 74
view profile
History
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 1:51:45 PM
You opened the door by telling him one thing, and turning around and doing the opposite! Chalk him up as scum! Move on and be aware!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 75
why do men think they can use women for sex?
Posted: 3/5/2008 1:54:34 PM

Don't forget it occasionally buys you dinner or drinks as well!

Naahh, I buy my own most of the time...besides, human dildos aren't necessarily for public display. They can cramp your future inventory. LOL
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