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 ruckus123
Joined: 6/7/2005
Msg: 2
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When to tell about a checkered past?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Why did you choose the Turtle?
 iamnotsinfuld
Joined: 10/30/2007
Msg: 3
When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 7:48:32 PM
WHOA DUDE

never tell anyone this ever.

every woman is about to bash you and call you abusive and a p*ssy and that your dangerous and you should go die in a fire.

and maybe you are, idk.

but i also understand about acting desperately when youre at your wits end. that was a very very bad thing to do, man.

but one incident doesnt define you as a person. we all make huge mistake and have secrets that we will take to the grave, including the women who are about to verbally bash you. move on

but yeah, no one needs to know. just never do this again.
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 4
When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 8:06:53 PM
You aren't evil, you are human. Perhaps hitting her wasn't the best thing to do, but under the circumstances I can understand why you did it.

It has been 10 years, it is time for you to forgive yourself. I wouldn't tell someone I just meant about this or anything about my past. I think it is best to get to know someone first, then tell them more and more about yourself as time goes by. Let them see the real you first.

I don't think it makes you less of a man because you tried to make your marriage work. If anything it makes you more of a man.

Regardless of what you do in life, someone will hit you with those words.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 5
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When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 8:10:00 PM

NOBODY should have to live in an abusive marriage, but it is to my shame and self contempt that I should have just walked out but was too ashamed to do it


Your experience is more common than you may think and more women will be understanding of the experience than you may realize. However, your guilt and shame will pollute any new relationship. Get some healing from that. I can recommend the book Forgive For Good. You have to read through all the forgiving others to get to the chapter about forgiving yourself.

I can say it, but I doubt you are ready to hear it. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did the best you could at the time within your belief system of the time. You did finally wise up and realize that it was not all within your control and leave. Welcome to the human race. We've all had our times.

Gandi
 ruckus123
Joined: 6/7/2005
Msg: 8
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When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 8:54:22 PM
Anger Management classes are a joke.
 dingolover
Joined: 9/26/2007
Msg: 11
When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/8/2008 9:39:00 PM
Dude, NEVER tell anyone this crap. That was then, this is now.
What i want to know is why you waited 10 years to decide to date?

Yes, Divorce sucks. But it happens.

You should delete this whole post if you can.

And rewrite your profile in a more upbeat way.

MOVE on from crap that happened eons ago.
 mo.ghra.dulaman
Joined: 11/15/2007
Msg: 14
When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/9/2008 12:21:24 AM
In my opinion, timing and delivery are key. I hope that you listen to what I have to say despite my young age and relatively little inexperience.

I say that you probably should tell her, but that's because I believe that honesty is key in any relationship, be it between friends, colleagues, or lovers. You just need to make sure that you don't drop the bombshell too early; let them get to know you as a person and that you really are a nice guy. But by all means, don't let it get to the point where you are emotionally dependant on the person before you tell them. There's always the chance that they'll walk away and be unable to accept the fact. Who knows, they might have had a time in their life when they were in your wife's situation. But if it's something that they can't deal with, than you're probably better off without them. I mean, you can't change your past. Just make sure that you show them that you aren't that person any more, and explain all of the circumstances that led to this happening, including your state of mind.

Here's an example of how I screwed up in my own past, because I come from a weird world where people only give advice based in relations to themselves:

I once had a guy, first guy that I had ever been interested in who liked me back. I have had a history of depression and possible bipolar disorder (possible 'cause I hate shrinks... not very helpful, I know.) Anyways, I used to start panicking about things and thinking that there was no way out, and to get out of those situations I would self-inflict. This boy that I was with was the second boy I had ever kissed in my life, and a helluva lot more experienced than myself. That first night that he told me that he felt the same way about me, we ended up going way farther than I was comfortable with, but I let him because I cared for him so much and wanted so much to simply be accepted by someone. Anyways, we ended up having a "thing" for about two weeks, where we would act normal in front of all of our friends and then go off to the bedroom and be an item, him treating me like a princess when we were alone. I ended up telling him my history of self-infliction one day, and he got really quiet. I had also been going through some major identity issues, and so I went on a sabbatical of sorts, driving away from campus and down to a river in my hometown to try and find myself. Long story not so very short, I came back with a new approach to our "relationship" and went to meet him. He dumped me at this meeting, claiming that I was too ****ing psychotic and reminded him of his mother.


...I don't know. It's not nearly as severe or devastating as yours, and I don't try and make it out to be. I can't imagine the pain you must have gone through. It's just an example of how dropping proverbial bombshells is an art that must be honed, oftentimes through painful experiences. I have had many startings to relationships since then, and I'm always rather upfront about my past. Not as big a bombshell as yours, but hey.

Hope I've been of some help through my babbling, and I also hope that my general message got across... Tell her, but do so tactfully.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 20
When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/9/2008 9:35:27 AM
Wait a minute...you were married to an abusive woman, and now you're talking to someone who putting you down as not a real man?

First time you make a mistake, its a learning experience. The second time you do it, it truly is a mistake--you didn't learn what got you to this place in time. the third time, its not a mistake--its a pattern.

but, back to the question. when to tell about a checkered past? when it becomes obvious you are hiding it, and it keeps you from moving on to where you want to be. either you will be accepted for it, or you will find out the person you confided in isn't worth your time.

you don't ever need to bang people over the head with it in order to test them, or to push them away--some people do both of these.

As for the posters lighting up on the part where you hit your wife...people in tramatic situations do things they wouldn't normally do. That's not to excuse what was done, but as veterans come home from Iraq, American society is going to find uncomfortable things happening. Its the part of war that people don't talk about b/c it happens AFTER the war. But, back to the point--learn the lesson of not staying in a tramatic situation.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 21
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When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/9/2008 9:46:20 AM
I think you should still be in counseling. You did hit a woman, BAD sign and for some reason you put property and money in front of the happiness and well being of your children and yourself. You need to figure out what made you stay so long and put up with that level of abuse before you finally decided to act. Being a doormat is not an admiral trait when you enter the dating world.
Get your act together before you involve another person in your life. No new girl needs the level of anger and drama your Ex can dish out.
 bullielover62
Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 24
When to tell about a checkered past?
Posted: 3/9/2008 12:02:12 PM
Oh poor OP, you're such a victim.....*/rolls eyes......

You were a victim when the abuse STARTED, but you gave up that position once you stayed around for more. That's when you became a willing participant. PARTICIPANT.

You used religion as a reason to stay in a bad marriage, so where was that religion when you were losing control? Did you seek counseling for YOURSELF? No.... instead you blamed her for everything.... Where were you? Were you working on yourself? No..... you were too busy, still are, blaming her for your actions or lack there of.

From what you're saying, your wife was verbally and mentally abusive towards you. Yet you stayed.... *ALL HAIL THE MARTYR....... and then you "punched her, really hard".....*ALL HAIL THE VICTIM.......

Wait, who's the victim and who's the martyr??

Keep your past in the can until you've worked out your own issues. Time to stop blaming the ex-wife for your past and time to own the role you played in it.
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