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 jf468
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 106
Rejected after the first date?Page 2 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
It is possible for me to lose interest in a man after one date. But I wouldn't make a decision based on "sparks" or "instant chemistry". I would lose interest if he is physically unattractive, a rude jerk, or there was something else about him that is an obvious dealbreaker such him being married or dressing like a scrub ( ripped/dirty clothes etc )
 sexytanish
Joined: 1/27/2008
Msg: 108
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 11:44:24 AM
maybe they just didn't find you attractive , and that was the best way they can let you down ..
 Peekamoose
Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 109
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 12:01:03 PM
Have you ever just felt a lack of attraction or chemistry?
Do you always do a second or third date even though you didn't feel anything?

Getting a message a couple of days later saying thanks but no thanks isn't really getting dumped is it?

A woman has a right-no matter how disappointing to you-to say she doesn't want a second date,same as you.

My advice (and I'll be the first to say asking me for advice on dating is like asking me about uranium) is to do simple dates-you're paying the tab so keep it simple-and don't project that you've been "dumped' or you can rest assured you won't get another date.
And why announce that your leaving the site?
It's sounds whiny and pouty and besides-these are strangers remember and no one cares if you take your balls-excuse the pun-and leave the playground.

One thing for sure-you won't get even a first date by a woman who reads your rather soggy post.
 rick338
Joined: 1/2/2008
Msg: 113
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 3:20:11 PM
Honestly I don’t feel this is the best way to meet people. One issue is trying to find someone who is honest about themselves and the other issue is meeting someone who needs to repack their baggage. As far as the spark goes you'll need a few dates before you can get the direction of the person. Then normally after 3 months you’ll find out who this person really is and wish you never met them. LOL
 Naturally Naughty
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 114
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 3:27:48 PM
Sparks and Chemistry can be tricky. It really depends on what your goal is. If it is to date and have fun, the sparks should not be primary. You can be kind and not be offensive to a person you don't have any immediate chemistry with.

If your goal is to develop a relationship with a person, then sparks can really get in the way and not allow you to see or take in important information about the other person. Of course we all want to see sparks fly, but what if you discover you have kissed a frog instead of a prince or the wicked witch instead of Cinderella after those sparks have died down? And they WILL die down eventually. So it is best to learn character, discover common interests and let an attraction (if there is going to be one) grow and blossom.

Nari
 msflis
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 118
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 5:10:15 PM

I can tell a lot from the first date.
For example. I can discover if he laughs like a donkey


And you don't have to go out on a second date to know whether that's something you can live with!

I used to talk myself into going on dates with guys I deemed okay or nice enough from their profiles and initial e-mails and phone calls, telling myself "You never know." But what I discovered is that I do know, and I learned to listen to my instinct a lot sooner in the process. I'm not looking for nice enough or okay, I'm looking for a good, solid match. And that's just not likely to come along every day--or every date.

But even if I now go out only with those I've deemed strong candidates for the match I'm after, there is still no way to predict ahead of time how you're going to get along in person until you're actually there. What if your date has an objectionable smell? What if you find he or she makes rude remarks about an ex? Or drinks too much? Has a different idea than you do of what amount of physical contact is appropriate for people you've just met? And what if there just is no real attraction once you are finally face to face? There are so many factors that can lead someone to tell you later "There just wasn't any spark there."

You can choose to see that as rejection and furthermore to take it very personally, or you can see it as clearing the way for the one who WILL feel a spark. If the no-spark message happens time and time again, you might also want to think about whether there are things in common in the way those first dates went, and try to figure out what you could have done differently or better. As one poster suggested, it might be worthwhile having a friend go on a pretend date and giving you honest feedback.

Being here and going on dates can be a learning experience you have fun with and that might help get you to your ultimate goal. Or it can be a drag and a series of rejections that make you more bitter every time. It really comes down to how YOU handle it.

--Ms. Flis, stepping down from the soapbox now
 HikingFitGuy
Joined: 3/20/2007
Msg: 120
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 6:08:41 PM

Forgive me for saying so but there is absolutely no way you can feel a spark with someone on the first date unless you have a buildup of static electricity. Like striking a match to get it to light, it might take a few dates before the spark can be found.


I absolutely agree with this. I have never got a second date with anyone I have met online. It is absolutely impossible to determine if there is going to be a spark or not, because both daters are probably nervous and not really themselves on a first date. I myself am pretty wimpy and talk nice and polite with general conversation.

I've been keen for many 2nd or subsequent dates, but usually women are very picky and determine there and then whether they want another date. If it isn't all cloud nine for them, forget it. They expect that instant chemistry/attraction which is unrealistic.

I am realistic to know that you should meet at least a few times to determine if there is anything there, in the real world most people that meet would have probably met each other a few times or got to know each other before the sparks fly.

Also remember in online dating, there are probably 10 guys for every woman, so women can afford to be picky.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 121
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 6:48:06 PM
To me, spark is attraction. The people who invented speed dating know how it works - and it's true, I can pretty much tell within about 8 minutes if I have any physical interest.

Beyond the initial spark, the chemistry is knowing that beyond that attraction you both "click" in other aspects - conversation, level of comfort, personality, mindset, etc...that can also be friendship oriented if there's no attraction.

If I don't first feel the "spark" however, then - what else is there to find out (romantically, anyway)?
 Pink Rose Lady
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 125
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 8:50:28 PM
Anyone who has gone thru this much rejection obviously needs to take a good look at himself and find out what is going on. Dates are supposed to be fun, with interesting conversation, an upbeat atmosphere so there's an interest in a second time around. If the physical attraction just isn't there, it doesn't matter what else is going on, it's just not gonna work out.

Pink
 northeast25
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 134
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/18/2008 9:34:22 AM
It is possible for me to lose interest in a man after one date. But I wouldn't make a decision based on "sparks" or "instant chemistry". I would lose interest if he is physically unattractive, a rude jerk, or there was something else about him that is an obvious dealbreaker such him being married or dressing like a scrub ( ripped/dirty clothes etc )


I completely agree. I don't think sparks or instant chemistry on the first date should be a strong indicator of a successful relationship. There were a few times when the first date was great, but I had lost interest in a woman by the end of the second or third date because I realized that we weren't compatible. There were other times where the first date was okay, but not great. But I began to develop a connection with a woman after 2-3 dates because we knew each other better or because one/both people were more comfortable and relaxed.
 gjones216
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 135
view profile
History
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/18/2008 9:46:09 AM
I do agree that sparks can be tricky. I married the woman who, 4 years earlier, my reaction was an exaggerated thumbs down. We became friends, then lovers, then were a married couple, happy for most of the 11 years that we were together. Today, we are friends, living 1.5 miles apart and she is happily married again. We have two great teenagers.

Sparks are overrated sometimes. Still, we meet after a few emails and phone calls. Face to face, we learn more. We CAN make a decision too hastily, but, bottom line, we make decisions about what we want and what we don't want and we move on with life.
 gjones216
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 136
view profile
History
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/18/2008 9:56:53 AM
What is 'right off', when you say that you know 'right off' whether you want a second date or not? I don't date anyone that I wouldn't consider marrying. If I get to the point that I no longer see that person as a marriage interest, it doesn't mean that we will stop being friendly towards each other. It means that we are not dating or romantic in any sense. Maybe I just value people.

I've had quite a few pleasurable dating experiences and, as you can see, I am no Adonis or Denzel. I just go in expecting very little except good company. If we enjoy ourselves, we can talk about doing something again in the future. And if there is mutual chemistry, the joys of a great relationship are limitless.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 137
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 7:53:45 AM
I tend to take a long time to get to that first date, so by the time we meet, there's already a pretty strong foundation for keeping on keeping on. This also means I've only had a couple of nasty surprises on PoF. One was a total sociopath, the other just pushed the meeting *way* too hard.

It may not be possible to tell on a fist meet if there's going to be sparks/chemistry/whateveryawannacallit, but it IS possible to tell for sure if there ISN"T going to be. As I state in my profile: bad attitude is a deal breaker for me, big time.

And OPie, at least at this point, you have major attitude issues. Take a break, do a "ME" assessment, and proceed from there.

Good luck!


 TxSippiGal
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 140
view profile
History
Dating is all about odds and rejection
Posted: 3/22/2008 10:06:45 AM
Ok.. to the OP I am sorry that has happened to you often.. but you are not in a minority.. happened to me too..

I have several things I want to ask the OP.. and please don't take this personally.. but.. I wonder if maybe you were trying to date out of your league so to speak.. were these women really women that had it going on?? Are you looking at the more sedate profiles.. or the tammer profiles???

Are you willing to expand your criteria a little??

When I joined POF I had one goal in mind.. and that was to have one good date a month. By a good date I meant the guy was dressed appropriately showed good hygene and was relatively willing to carry on a conversation. That was my criteria..

I am plesantly surprised to say that I have met some amazing men.. and I am seeing some regularly now. But everyone I have met is still a friend too.

I just wonder if maybe you are setting your sights too high or have too high expectations..or if you might be uncounciously choosing women who are unavailable to you for some reason.
 circe 1
Joined: 10/2/2007
Msg: 141
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 10:24:54 AM
You are a very attractive man. You just haven't met the right one. Hang in there. I haven't either and I am swamped with e mails. Physical attraction is important and I know I can tell right away whether it is there or not. But if it isn't, that does not mean there is anything wrong with you...
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 142
Dating is all about odds and rejection
Posted: 3/22/2008 10:56:08 AM

The more I think about how desperate it is to be SINGLE the more I miss out. The key for men is to stop dating and thinking about meeting someone and just live your life to the fullest joy possible. Become a MAGNET of positive energy and naturally you stand the best chance of attracting a decent women to your life eventually. Heck it very may well be a lady that you accidentally bump into while enjoying your HOBBIES or just putting around town. GET OUT and live life.

It's sort of a real epipany when you realize this - it changes everything. Just like questioning government, religion, and things like this throughout life, it's healthy to question the ideals that society places on you. Namely, the overwhelming idea that we all should not only pair off to be normal, but we should all be depressed when it doesn't happen. Once your mindset travels outside the box, you start wondering if the ones who don't work out aren't for the best. You start to focus more on yourself and notice you REALLY can spend a lot of time and waste a lot of your life looking for something you've been taught that you should look for.

Ironically, once you change your behavior, and turn your focus inward to self improvement and taking the time to really enjoy life and become content with where you are, usually someone comes along who was actually drawn to you BECAUSE you didn't have that needy "couple off" vibe that tends to scare more off than do much good.

But all the dates I snagged in real life I did so nonchalantly. They were usually in passing in a mall or grocery store, a brief glance exchanged, a smile, and then the hello. I found when I forced the issue that it tended to backfire in my face.

Deuce gets it. When you force the issue it puts you at a disadvantage, and gives a total stranger control. It throws off a vibe that others tend to sidestep. It makes them feel as if they may have something you want - regardless of what that is, it's not very laid back, casual, or inviting. You may be single a lot in your life, doesn't do you any good to try and rebel against it so much. Doing so can actually prolong your single status because it repels good people, and because anything that you fight to that extent makes you more frustrated, even miserable, and makes the time you're single seem longer and more painful.

It's no secret that when you stop trying you end up meeting people - that's because when you don't care either way, you're more at peace with yourself and you enjoy life more. Not worrying how every exchange will turn out makes you less stressed out and happier, and that naturally draws more (and different) people to you.
 bearded_romantic
Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 145
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 12:00:16 PM
.

I see two very obvious problems here.

First, apparently the OP never discusses a second date DURING the first date!! Guess what? She feels YOU have rejected HER. My very first computer match was awesome; we're still good friends. But it was my first date in 34 years. We did connect well on that first date. At the end, I walk her to her car. As she's walking away from the curb, I blurted out, "I sure hope we can do this again. "

When she turned to smile and say yes, there were tears in her eyes.

Second, the OP seems to assume that a second date is some kind of entitlement. His "reasoning" suggests the gal has some sort of obligation to learn everything she can about him. Huh-uh. And that attitude, if conveyed on that first date, is reason enough for her to avoid another one.

If you want to continue, TELL her. If you fear rejection, which may be true here, then why not assume that SHE fears rejection too?
.
 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 147
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:45:29 PM
I respectfully have to disagree. I think you know from early on whether the person you're having dinner with is someone you can see dating, or not. The spark (or chemistry) has to be there. So much is at play... attraction, ease in talking, shared interests or outlook on life, etc. And who knows why you're attracted to or feel that spark with one and not the other. It just is.

I can usually tell at least 15 minutes into it. And, even if I spent hours with that person, my feelings never change. It's just there, or it isn't.

And, I have to say, if you're getting a phone call or that person is telling you that there wasn't a spark, count yourself lucky. It's a far cry better than the cowards who just disappear and leave you hanging. I'd much rather have someone be honest.

Sharzi
 Not just a member
Joined: 9/14/2005
Msg: 150
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 8:32:54 PM
A spark means everything. Essentially it mean the difference between a fire and no fire. I can't believe we are still having this conversation as IMO the OP was very obviously just looking for attention..... It has been well past a week and profile still found. As I said earlier... it does not take a week to leave POF. It is like the boy crying wolf.
 virgogidget
Joined: 11/10/2005
Msg: 153
view profile
History
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 9:24:46 PM
Ready
I agree
But it goes both ways, Men do it to.
People mightnt be right re dating but they could be good friends, tho its cya next so even a good friendship cant be made as that takes time to build as well.
 bearded_romantic
Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 155
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 10:44:40 PM

not just a member: " As I said earlier... it does not take a week to leave POF."

Unless he wants to see the responses. Why else would he post the issue here? Duh.

I have been one of the most critical of him here, but: Pot, Kettle, Black.
 Mrwrong37
Joined: 2/12/2008
Msg: 156
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/23/2008 2:49:32 AM
anyone ever notice the women in here, are basically on her side, and admit its all about superficial reasons and whether or not you look "HOT". But they are right, shes probably just stuck up and it has NOTHING at all to do with chemistry or being a 'match"
 Mrwrong37
Joined: 2/12/2008
Msg: 157
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/23/2008 4:11:12 AM
so if your not physically attracted right in the first 2 seconds...then there can be no LOVe that comes from inside? OK that explains this:::

I guess not 3/23/2008 217 AM Unread Deleted
saw you in a forum 3/23/2008 257 AM Unead Deleted
TOO BAD 3/23/2008 225 AM Unread Deleted
a man who can laugh 3/23/2008 244 AM Unread Deleted
STEWIE!!!! 3/23/2008 255 AM Unread Deleted
Saying Hi 3/23/2008 215 AM Unread Deleted
Hello 3/23/2008 244 AM Unread Deleted
Hello 3/23/2008 216 AM Unread Deleted
hi 3/23/2008 256 AM Unread Deleted
The answer is Yes!!!!! 3/23/2008 221 AM Unread Deleted
REAL MEN 3/22/2008 946 PM Read Deleted
How do you guys do it??? 3/22/2008 927 PM Unread Deleted
cant read this guy 3/22/2008 931 PM Unread Deleted
Just curious 3/22/2008 910 PM Unread Deleted
OMG look at this 3/22/2008 936 PM Read Deleted
cant read this guy 3/22/2008 9:09:47 PM Unread Deleted
WEVE GOT FACEBOOK!!! 3/22/2008 9:07:04 PM Read Deleted
REAL MEN 3/22/2008 9:01:38 PM Unread Deleted
cant read this guy 3/22/2008 9:00:06 PM Unread Deleted
Saying Hi 3/22/2008 848 PM Read Deleted
Hello from California 3/22/2008 845 PM Unread Deleted
your profile... 3/22/2008 826 PM Read Deleted
well 3/22/2008 8:03:31 PM Read Deleted
hi 3/22/2008 8:01:31 PM Read Deleted
hey there 3/22/2008 749 PM Read Deleted
THANK YOU!!! 3/22/2008 737 PM Unread Deleted
Hello 3/22/2008 746 PM Read deleted
Good Grief 3/22/2008 1159 AM Read Deleted
 Mrwrong37
Joined: 2/12/2008
Msg: 159
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/23/2008 5:47:22 AM
you hit the nail on the head Lori. Instant attraction is nothing more than lus. Never was, never will be. We refder to it as "physical or sexual chemistry" which is a crock. That is nothing mroe than a booty call. If isntant chemistry really existed...thre would beno need for dating or courtship(now there is something that has died)
 Solosol
Joined: 6/14/2007
Msg: 160
Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/23/2008 6:37:12 AM
I agree, simply put but very true.
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