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 vladtepes97
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 3
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How to deal with feeling replacedPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
i know exactly how you feel. after the ex tried to replace me - with a woman - i ended up being the CP in my situation. i didn't feel that i was necessarily being replaced in my daughter's life simply because it wasn't a man, although, i can tell you, the woman in question was about 6' 300lb lineman style. it doesn't sound like you've spoken to the guy or your ex much recently. meeting the man and chatting with them is a good way to kind of feel out the situation and cementing your place in the children's lives. i don't mean confronting them. i mean conversing, especially around the children.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 6
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How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/16/2008 4:47:44 PM
how much visitation do you have with your kids, could you ask for more? It is sad taht you're hearing a bout your ex's bf a lot from your kids but at least they are talking to you about anything and everything. and by you calling every day, it does make a difference. And also at least the guy is nice toyour kids and playing with them, so as long as they are comfortable with him,t hen you should shrug it off as more people to love your kids.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 13
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How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/17/2008 11:27:10 AM
I can totally understand how you feel but you should be very grateful that this man seems to be a decent guy who is doing right by your kids. In many instances, the step-parent is hateful or otherwise not a desirable addition to a child's life.

You cannot be replaced. Your kids know who and what you are no matter how much time they spend around your x's new boyfriend. At this point you should probably also hope that things work out because this recent to your divorce, and this much time around the guy, it will be difficult if the adult relationship hits bumps and breaks up.

Keep doing what you have always done and things will be fine. The best case scenario is eventually you meet someone great and your kids have four good adults they can count on. And forgive yourself the occasional (or maybe constant just now) petty thoughts. They are normal and will pass and who knows, you may wind up with a friendship of sorts with the guy if he remains a permanent fixture.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 15
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How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/17/2008 12:27:46 PM
well coming from my childhood, my mom introduced us to someone she was dating while in the process of divorce or even beforehand. I was disappointed in my mom for doing that, even though my dad lived in the Philipines. OH and my dad met someone else too, got her pregnant and got a divorce with my mom due to that. The guy my mom was dating moved in the day we met him, I hated him at first sight, something about him made me feel uncomfortable. And as you said, your son thinks there's something going on. It's better to be open and honest rather than he figure things out on his own and be disappointed. I had 4 years of living with him and he turned out to be a manipulative, lazy jerk who liked verbal/mental abuse with my mom and me. that was no fun. so please take comfort that your ex's bf treats them well. As much as you want to hear them say they hate him, I would never want my child to go thru that process of feeling helpless and in an environment isn't happy for them. So whatever feelings that makes you want to feel that way push that a way with the feeling that they are in a good environment.

how far away are you from them that you can't see them midweek?
 WesternRose
Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 24
How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/18/2008 1:02:51 AM
Steve I hear you.... just remember that you will always be their dad....kids know this...you have to ensure you spend quality time with them and reinforce your parental status.

I am unsure myself some days.... my Ex has moved on fast too...right now he is dating a refugee from Africa...she is 26....he is 50 and he has insisted that our girls accept his new GF. The children are rather confused and are not happy about being reprimanded for not being nice enough.

no win situation for children....so remember it may not be a comfortable situation for your children...they just don't want to make waves and cause upset to their Mom or her friend.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 32
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How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/20/2008 3:07:58 PM
When life changes like this, the non CP can really feel the hurt.

I am close friends with my ex, and he told me how horrible he felt about not seeing our son. I had full custody with him seeing our son every other weekend.

You are feeling the pain of your territory being taken over by someone else. Jealousy is a natural feeling, and especially when it comes to your own children.

Doesn't sound like you are exactly settled into the whole divorce idea, and what makes it harder is that it seems your kids are getting settled. Doesn't sound like you wanted the divorce, especially if you feel that someone has replaced you. Perhaps you may want to do some work on your own emotions to get through this period of adjustment?

As for your kids...Fear not, you will ALWAYS be dad if you keep that part in your childrens lives. Kids don't look for replacements, they just adjust to a change in things, doesn't mean you mean any less.

Your kids and this guy will have periods of rough adjustment, as well as a time if he stays around, and becomes the new spouse, that they will probably have times where they resent him.

Sure, we can wish our to be exes would do things differently, but the fact is if you two are seperated and she has moved on, it is part of learning to accept the situation.

I have been divorced for 7 yrs, and my ex and I now have half time with each parent, where we switch week to week.

Since I have dated people after our divorce, and had a long term, it is easier for my son to see me dating people. My ex has dated only one person for a short time, so I don't see that transition if he makes it being easy for him or my son.

Feeling replaced is a major blow to the ego, and takes time to heal... Good luck...
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 37
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How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/21/2008 12:05:30 AM
Steve I am glad to hear that you are finally finding peace. It isn't easy, especially when you are left wondering perhaps how the person you loved so much could just give up.

You don't want your kids to be miserable, but at the same time it soooo hurts to see that they are adjusting, and you feel left behind.

You are a very mature and with your own emotions and feelings to be able to admit this. Good for you, because a lot of people get ticked, or climb into some self medicated haze to get past it.

I am sorry that your life changed without you wanting it that way.

It happens to a lot of us one way or another.

For me, I finally had to call it quits because my spouse was happy in his own world (not really, but he certainly was content letting me know he didn't like the husband role, and wasn't going to play it just because he was married)

LOL, he learned too. BUT that is NOT my Karma to him. It is his own, and I have actually been there when he has fallen on his face. THAT CAN BE REALLY HARD, but for me it was all part of being the best person I could me.

No neither one of us got back together, or even wanted to... What we learned is that we were not good married people together.

It will take you time, but one day you too will understand that life has a way of balancing itself out. It is slow, and sometimes the pain feels like it will eat you alive. Always remember though, you were a good person before you and she, and you still are a good person.

Good luck, something wonderful will happen for you...
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 40
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How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/21/2008 6:56:05 PM
Seasiren, HUH?

I am not sure if you are personal friends with MS, however I am not sure how you are so sure what needs to be done is to get rid of the BF.

People divorce, or leave a relationship for many reasons, none of which we kow about.

Perhaps the job MS has had, has taken him away from his family most of his marriage, and the wife got fed up with it, because that isn't the life she signed up for (no disrespect Steve, only guessing). SO BE IT, that is not for any of us to judge.

No matter the reason for the break, trying to cause conflict in a soon to be exe's relationship is not only immature, but down right uncalled for. What you are suggesting is that he really p!$$ his ex off by ruining a relationship that she obviously values.

Moving a couple blocks away is not a big deal, however it shouldn't be done out of spite, because it will NOT be the way to win his wifes affection back.

IF things work, or don't work, with his to be ex and her BF, is not something Steve has control over, and would only end up alienating him further from the family. Obviously whether he likes it or not, his kids have grown fond of the BF, and that should really be a good thing.

Steve is slowly learning to accept the situation, and probably will find that this guy is a good person, and he's lucky that his ex hasn't found some total creep that treats her and his kids horrible. That IS NOT something his kids need to see.
 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 41
How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/21/2008 7:02:52 PM
I don't know what you to say to help you cope, but I can tell you that you are thier dad. Noone can replace you. No matter what happens, noone can replace you. They will always miss you being there even if they are having fun with whoever is around them now. It's not the same. I've had many friends who went through this growing up. they liked/or did not like the new guy, but they always wished there dad was there, even though they'd NEVER admit it to their parents, or let it show. lol.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 53
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How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/31/2008 12:40:18 AM
Steve I am sorry that people are here passing judgment.

I spoke with my former stepson today ( he' married, has twin babies, and 21 now). I always felt bad about finally after 9 1/2 yrs of a chaotic unhappy marriage, to be the one to have to leave. His mum kind of abandoned him when he was 6 mo old to his dad, and then when his dad and I married his dad was never around.

ANYWAY, I asked him if I had hurt him for being up front and honest with him about things in his life. He thought at age 12 he was going to be an NBA star, and I had told him that was a really great dream, but perhaps he should consider something else if that didn't pan out.

He told me it didn't and to this day he has always been grateful for me being the person that was honest, and realistic.

IT is NOT always easy to be realistic when a marriage is completely dead, and by no means is staying in a completely unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids is a favor.

This may not agree with everyone, however I know for a fact that my 12 yr old son is extremely happy, and the thing that makes him happy is the fact that his mum and dad had the common sense to call it quits before we hated each other...

I am so happy to hear that you had a really great time with your kids, and that you may have a chance to be closer to them. Keep up the good work...
 TheEmeraldTeardrop
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 63
How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/31/2008 11:21:38 PM
I hate to say this, but the odds are she did not "just meet him" after you split up. She was probably seeing him before you even discussed divorce. If she has moved on so quickly, it means she figured out she wanted to divorce you long before she actually started to discuss the subject. That means for a long time while she kissed you good night, she was plotting to jettison you from your own home.

What's done is done unfortunately.

As for those saying you can't be replaced, well that's not true. Anyone can be replaced. If your children are young and they grow up with this guy around them more than you, who will ultimately be a greater influence on their lives?

You aren't "feeling replaced", you are being replaced.

Be good to your children and then make lots and lots of money. The more money you make, eventually your ex wife will start to compare you to her new man. She's done it already and she's doing it now.

Ex husband - Mansion
Current boyfriend - Shares my house

Ex husband - Vacation homes
Current boyfriend - Cutting coupons for road trips

Ex husband - Retired young
Current boyfriend - Still wearing his monkey suit at the office

You have to stop regretting that you lost out, live the kind of life where she regrets it because she lost out. Then you'll get your kids back.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 67
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How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/1/2008 1:04:14 PM
Sam, it is odd how HORRID of a picture you are painting Steve's ex, which he has NOT insulted, belittled, or put down.

You have written really awful things in such a way that seems to have no more of an attempt at advice, than to really rub salt and acid into a hurting persons wounds.

I have to wonder what secret hurts and anger you harbor yourself, especially towards you own daughters mother, to have a need to write such awful things?

Steve, then opens up about his own issues, and you go further to BLAME the ex wife for his issue of depression. SOMETIMES depression is NOT a result of having a horrible marriage, but rather from a large combination of things.

Obviously the depression was a factor to problems, which is what Steve has stated. This is called healing in a healthy way, he acknowledges both parties had faults, and HE IS WORKING ON HIS. Her issues she owns, and has to work on; since she hasn't done anything illegal in the eyes of the law, he is only obligated to fix his OWN.

It is obvious that Steve has love and respect for the mother of his children. He has faith in her as a person, AND beleives she would NOT bring in some horrible monster that was out to molest his children. Why Sam would you continue to belittle him and his choices? He's an adult and certainly seems capable of making his own choices.

Some people divorce because as a couple they either never were compatible, OR they grew incompatible due to MANY reasons.

It is amazing how you have a continued need to insult someone that clearly is doing what HE KNOWS is in the best interest of everyone. SOMETIMES THAT ISN'T what we would personal want, but looking at the whole picture it is what is needed.

Sam if you have issues of your own that need worked out, please feel free to post your own thread of what a rotten wretch you were with, and all the horrible things she did. I am sure there will be plenty of people who will come out of the woodworks that can pass judgment on you too...
 Lucky_Vet
Joined: 3/27/2005
Msg: 76
How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/5/2008 12:19:09 AM
You are living my greatest nightmare. This must be the most frustrating thing on the face of the planet to deal with.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 89
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How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/23/2008 8:12:11 AM
Steve it is really great to hear that you have grown since the start of this thread.

You have given your kids a gift that can't be replaced. That being a stand up guy, and father. Being able to show your kids that YES, sometimes marriages do break up, but they don't have to be a nonstop war zone after the fact is something that will make for their adult life being a lot more sane and happy...

It is also great to know you don't condone, or feel the need to retaliate like so many people have suggested you do...

It has always baffled me the need for people to be mean and spiteful just because things didn't work out like you may have wanted. That is no better than a little child not getting their way, why adults would think that way is just ODD too me...

Being cordial is often times hard when we hurt, but the benefit is being able to see that your kids love you, AND knowing the person that is in their life.

Your a great example of someone that has taken a tough situation, and made the best of it....

Good going...K
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