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 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 40
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How to deal with feeling replacedPage 5 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Seasiren, HUH?

I am not sure if you are personal friends with MS, however I am not sure how you are so sure what needs to be done is to get rid of the BF.

People divorce, or leave a relationship for many reasons, none of which we kow about.

Perhaps the job MS has had, has taken him away from his family most of his marriage, and the wife got fed up with it, because that isn't the life she signed up for (no disrespect Steve, only guessing). SO BE IT, that is not for any of us to judge.

No matter the reason for the break, trying to cause conflict in a soon to be exe's relationship is not only immature, but down right uncalled for. What you are suggesting is that he really p!$$ his ex off by ruining a relationship that she obviously values.

Moving a couple blocks away is not a big deal, however it shouldn't be done out of spite, because it will NOT be the way to win his wifes affection back.

IF things work, or don't work, with his to be ex and her BF, is not something Steve has control over, and would only end up alienating him further from the family. Obviously whether he likes it or not, his kids have grown fond of the BF, and that should really be a good thing.

Steve is slowly learning to accept the situation, and probably will find that this guy is a good person, and he's lucky that his ex hasn't found some total creep that treats her and his kids horrible. That IS NOT something his kids need to see.
 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 41
How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/21/2008 7:02:52 PM
I don't know what you to say to help you cope, but I can tell you that you are thier dad. Noone can replace you. No matter what happens, noone can replace you. They will always miss you being there even if they are having fun with whoever is around them now. It's not the same. I've had many friends who went through this growing up. they liked/or did not like the new guy, but they always wished there dad was there, even though they'd NEVER admit it to their parents, or let it show. lol.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 53
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How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/31/2008 12:40:18 AM
Steve I am sorry that people are here passing judgment.

I spoke with my former stepson today ( he' married, has twin babies, and 21 now). I always felt bad about finally after 9 1/2 yrs of a chaotic unhappy marriage, to be the one to have to leave. His mum kind of abandoned him when he was 6 mo old to his dad, and then when his dad and I married his dad was never around.

ANYWAY, I asked him if I had hurt him for being up front and honest with him about things in his life. He thought at age 12 he was going to be an NBA star, and I had told him that was a really great dream, but perhaps he should consider something else if that didn't pan out.

He told me it didn't and to this day he has always been grateful for me being the person that was honest, and realistic.

IT is NOT always easy to be realistic when a marriage is completely dead, and by no means is staying in a completely unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids is a favor.

This may not agree with everyone, however I know for a fact that my 12 yr old son is extremely happy, and the thing that makes him happy is the fact that his mum and dad had the common sense to call it quits before we hated each other...

I am so happy to hear that you had a really great time with your kids, and that you may have a chance to be closer to them. Keep up the good work...
 TheEmeraldTeardrop
Joined: 1/17/2008
Msg: 63
How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/31/2008 11:21:38 PM
I hate to say this, but the odds are she did not "just meet him" after you split up. She was probably seeing him before you even discussed divorce. If she has moved on so quickly, it means she figured out she wanted to divorce you long before she actually started to discuss the subject. That means for a long time while she kissed you good night, she was plotting to jettison you from your own home.

What's done is done unfortunately.

As for those saying you can't be replaced, well that's not true. Anyone can be replaced. If your children are young and they grow up with this guy around them more than you, who will ultimately be a greater influence on their lives?

You aren't "feeling replaced", you are being replaced.

Be good to your children and then make lots and lots of money. The more money you make, eventually your ex wife will start to compare you to her new man. She's done it already and she's doing it now.

Ex husband - Mansion
Current boyfriend - Shares my house

Ex husband - Vacation homes
Current boyfriend - Cutting coupons for road trips

Ex husband - Retired young
Current boyfriend - Still wearing his monkey suit at the office

You have to stop regretting that you lost out, live the kind of life where she regrets it because she lost out. Then you'll get your kids back.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 67
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How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/1/2008 1:04:14 PM
Sam, it is odd how HORRID of a picture you are painting Steve's ex, which he has NOT insulted, belittled, or put down.

You have written really awful things in such a way that seems to have no more of an attempt at advice, than to really rub salt and acid into a hurting persons wounds.

I have to wonder what secret hurts and anger you harbor yourself, especially towards you own daughters mother, to have a need to write such awful things?

Steve, then opens up about his own issues, and you go further to BLAME the ex wife for his issue of depression. SOMETIMES depression is NOT a result of having a horrible marriage, but rather from a large combination of things.

Obviously the depression was a factor to problems, which is what Steve has stated. This is called healing in a healthy way, he acknowledges both parties had faults, and HE IS WORKING ON HIS. Her issues she owns, and has to work on; since she hasn't done anything illegal in the eyes of the law, he is only obligated to fix his OWN.

It is obvious that Steve has love and respect for the mother of his children. He has faith in her as a person, AND beleives she would NOT bring in some horrible monster that was out to molest his children. Why Sam would you continue to belittle him and his choices? He's an adult and certainly seems capable of making his own choices.

Some people divorce because as a couple they either never were compatible, OR they grew incompatible due to MANY reasons.

It is amazing how you have a continued need to insult someone that clearly is doing what HE KNOWS is in the best interest of everyone. SOMETIMES THAT ISN'T what we would personal want, but looking at the whole picture it is what is needed.

Sam if you have issues of your own that need worked out, please feel free to post your own thread of what a rotten wretch you were with, and all the horrible things she did. I am sure there will be plenty of people who will come out of the woodworks that can pass judgment on you too...
 Lucky_Vet
Joined: 3/27/2005
Msg: 76
How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/5/2008 12:19:09 AM
You are living my greatest nightmare. This must be the most frustrating thing on the face of the planet to deal with.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 89
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How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/23/2008 8:12:11 AM
Steve it is really great to hear that you have grown since the start of this thread.

You have given your kids a gift that can't be replaced. That being a stand up guy, and father. Being able to show your kids that YES, sometimes marriages do break up, but they don't have to be a nonstop war zone after the fact is something that will make for their adult life being a lot more sane and happy...

It is also great to know you don't condone, or feel the need to retaliate like so many people have suggested you do...

It has always baffled me the need for people to be mean and spiteful just because things didn't work out like you may have wanted. That is no better than a little child not getting their way, why adults would think that way is just ODD too me...

Being cordial is often times hard when we hurt, but the benefit is being able to see that your kids love you, AND knowing the person that is in their life.

Your a great example of someone that has taken a tough situation, and made the best of it....

Good going...K
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