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 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 801
The infamous NICE GUY rantPage 33 of 38    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38)

Hey, I have a girlfriend and no one takes my dating advice seriously. If it goes against their beliefs or sounds like work, they just stomp their feet and shout "NO!" or make some lame excuse like "well.. umm.. like.. that totally won't work for me because I'm like.. different.. or something."


No, that's not what's happening, what's happening is that we're seeing the flaw in your thinking.

Let's put it this way: you have 20 groups of a black guy and a white guy, you have to guess which one is the criminal. Do you just assume all black people are criminals, or do you look at each group and look at how those people look and act and how they talk? Your advice is the equivalent of assuming the black guy is always the criminal.

When I said your approach has to be completely yourself, I didn't mean you have to put your best foot forward. I mean you have to do what comes natural. I'm actually saying that it's EASIER to be successful than you are, it's just harder to find that person that's attracted to you. And that's a good thing. Eventually, the natural you is always going to come out. Wouldn't you rather be with someone attracted to the natural you than the you on your best behavior?

Great, you know how to attract your girlfriend. We're not all into your girlfriend though.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 802
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The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/29/2015 7:07:07 PM

No, that's not what's happening, what's happening is that we're seeing the flaw in your thinking.

Let's put it this way: you have 20 groups of a black guy and a white guy, you have to guess which one is the criminal. Do you just assume all black people are criminals, or do you look at each group and look at how those people look and act and how they talk? Your advice is the equivalent of assuming the black guy is always the criminal.


No, not really. My advice is based on what works. It's not a coincidence that the people that know what they're doing consistently get better results than the people that don't. It's also flexible enough to work for any situation. Everyone has a different body type, yet work out books still apply to everyone. You can modify them to fit whatever goal you want to accomplish.


When I said your approach has to be completely yourself, I didn't mean you have to put your best foot forward. I mean you have to do what comes natural. I'm actually saying that it's EASIER to be successful than you are, it's just harder to find that person that's attracted to you. And that's a good thing. Eventually, the natural you is always going to come out. Wouldn't you rather be with someone attracted to the natural you than the you on your best behavior?


That's not working for these guys though. The advice "be yourself" simply doesn't work. They are not getting results. They could be great people but they could be making simple mistakes or missing subtle signs that a woman is interested. If they were happy with their lack of results, they wouldn't be here asking for feedback. The whole "well I'm not being myself then" is a cop-out attitude. If you wear sweat pants at home because you're comfortable but wear dress pants to work, are you not being yourself? Is a woman wearing a nice outfit and make up not being herself because you'll see her without make up in the morning if you date her? Everyone puts their best foot forward at the beginning. However, the point is not to seek approval, but to just amplify your own state and let others share your positive emotions.


Great, you know how to attract your girlfriend. We're not all into your girlfriend though.


No, I know how to attract all of the people I've dated. It would be more productive if you contributed something positive to the thread like some form of advice instead of silly comments.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 803
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The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/29/2015 7:24:03 PM
^^^I am way too simple for that sort of stuff. I rather just sit at a bar and drink beer and make bad jokes if I had to go to one of those places.
 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 804
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/29/2015 7:40:47 PM

^^^I am way too simple for that sort of stuff. I rather just sit at a bar and drink beer and make bad jokes if I had to go to one of those places.


That's actually how I built up my confidence. I'd go to the bar, drink (not get drunk), and talk to people/play pool/make jokes about the drunks. I remember this one girl grabbing my hand and pulling me to the dance floor without saying a word to me and that was it. I stopped approaching for the sake of it and just went to have fun. It took a little time, but eventually, I had trouble going home alone. If I had known it was that simple when I was 17-18, I would be a totally different person today.
 phinatic14
Joined: 5/10/2013
Msg: 805
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/29/2015 11:24:51 PM
[deeper than not having any relationships that have lasted longer than a year. A person who is in their 30s and has never even HELD HANDS with a person of the opposite sex is definitely in no place to give dating or relationship input & be taken seriously. Harsh as it sounds, I rest my case]

Ok, I will agree with this. There's just one thing: all this time I could have spent in a precious relationship to conform to the norms of society and give myself a chance in the future that I probably wouldn't have any way, I have been getting a top-shelf education. As I said, I probably could have found someone. I probably could have dated girls from school. The problem is I assumed they were taken. Plus, we worked together on many projects, and I didn't want to make things weird. It's just that being offered a seat in medical school carries more weight with me. I may not know a whole lot about this relationship crap as you do because of your experience, but I can say that I know far more about how the human mind works and how this relates to dating, etc. I'm not bragging and looking to knock you, but you need to know that's where I'm coming from. Research doesn't lie, and the human mind works in different ways. Many of which people don't realize. Especially when it pertains to what the subject of this thread is.

Now, follow me here. I never said I(that means me) ignore girls. If it came off that way; well even I make mistakes. I said ignoring women has been shown to mess with their mind. Am I supporting the practice? No, because I don't care. I'm simply telling you what I learned. You get it now?

Also, I was very touched to see you went back and found an old post of mine. Nice work.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 806
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The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/29/2015 11:48:56 PM

Ok, I will agree with this. There's just one thing: all this time I could have spent in a precious relationship to conform to the norms of society and give myself a chance in the future that I probably wouldn't have any way, I have been getting a top-shelf education. As I said, I probably could have found someone. I probably could have dated girls from school. The problem is I assumed they were taken. Plus, we worked together on many projects, and I didn't want to make things weird. It's just that being offered a seat in medical school carries more weight with me. I may not know a whole lot about this relationship crap as you do because of your experience, but I can say that I know far more about how the human mind works and how this relates to dating, etc. I'm not bragging and looking to knock you, but you need to know that's where I'm coming from. Research doesn't lie, and the human mind works in different ways. Many of which people don't realize. Especially when it pertains to what the subject of this thread is.


How can you claim to know how the human mind works when it comes to dating if you keep making simple mistakes and can't read signs from women? It's better to admit that you have no idea what you're doing. What you did is called making excuses. What do you think people would say if I went to a club or a concert and I didn't talk to any girls because I assumed they were all taken? People would be scratching their head and wondering why I'm making excuses instead of talking to girls. If you wanted to, you could have found out if they were taken. It takes all of five seconds. There was also nothing stopping you from building attraction with them. If they were taken, they would let you know. Everything you said comes across like someone making excuses for being a wall flower. What you said about ignoring women doesn't make sense either. The bottom line is this: What you're doing right now isn't working, so copy people that are successful.
 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 807
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/30/2015 3:20:23 AM
What I find astonishing is that someone claims to be in college or made it through college without holding a girls hand.

I QUIT college and I still sowed some wild oats while I was there...I guess it's one thing to do it intentionally, but to be so emotionally dysfunctional that you miss out on cues that college girls give is...just amazing...I mean, sure I probably missed out on a few good relationships while I was there, but...I mean, dating and romantic things in general were just SO much easier....
 loveisatemple
Joined: 3/28/2014
Msg: 808
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/30/2015 7:30:52 AM
^^^
Well yes, there is a problem, but nothing shocks me. As for college, I managed to stay the big V during, so I am weird, huh...

re the OT, I am sure most will dismiss anything a woman says regarding dating. The rejection of advice by women happens repeatedly because of such syndromes:

a deaf ears (they were just venting, they don't actually want to change their MO, that would threaten their homeostasis). They are here to transfer blame and responsibility to the source of their torment (women), therefore they are hated on some level and the advice cast aside as manipulation or naive delusion.
b "Yes, but". Excuses. Want to stay in safety zone.
c "It isn't fair". Stuck on the loop of childhood. Coddled too much?
d Too much effort, giving up. Fear of happiness, too different, the "lose" syndrome is what I know and feels safe.Change is scary.


Agreed, especially about learned helplessness. Obviously you studied psych too. However, if a guy/girl keeps interacting with different members of the opposite sex and they respond to them as if they are the scrum of the Earth, why should they keep going.




As you said: learned helplessness. They could take every measure possible to improve themself and therefore take responsibility for their lack of results, but it then depends on the people they interact with to prove/show them that their self-improvement was at least worth something. Maybe not a date, but just being polite or engaging in a conversation would do the trick.


Several male posters have said the same in the past, it is a nice guy rant; you will only put on a facade of trying and effort if it yields a reward.

No, you do things because
1 it is truly who you are, not an act to get a result.
2 it doesn't matter if it gets you a result or not, you are here or there to learn about others, yourself and make some progress socially, to get over your phobic selves.

It is simple. You are unhappy, not approachable, a pessimist, bit rigid, fatalist, emo? You may have excellent reasons for it, but the fact is you will not get anybody until you become at the core happy, relaxed, positive, easy going, like women more than resent them, can let people come and in your life with an easy going vs control freak attitude and all this is for your benefit, not to get a reward.

Until you do it, your attraction radar and rays are non existent.
If you do work on it, you have to do it for its own value, not to get something.
Getting something is the side effect of being attractive.

So, the fact they look at you and steer away means
1 they sensed you are sad, tense, defensive, not at peace. This is sensed in seconds.
2 there was a results oriented, validate me please attitude.
3 the lack of sincerity and possibly odd view of women.

So, basically, you can only attract, if you change your mentality and that shows in your expression, posture, responses and internal being, and radiates outwardly a peace and self acceptance, to start.


 phinatic14
Joined: 5/10/2013
Msg: 809
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/30/2015 9:00:00 AM
[What I find astonishing is that someone claims to be in college or made it through college without holding a girls hand.]

Let me ask you something. Do you know me? Could you possibly put your bias way of thinking aside to at least comprehend the possibility that things may be this way for me because I've had a rough life growing up? I realize. You quit college and all because asking you to think critically is too much for you to handle, but you could at least try. Do you think I am proud of the way things have gone down for me, at least in the context of this post. So, before you rush to judgement like most ignorant people do, maybe consider there are reasons something happened the way it did.
 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 810
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/30/2015 9:38:48 AM

Well yes, there is a problem, but nothing shocks me. As for college, I managed to stay the big V during, so I am weird, huh...


No. I know people that intentionally abstained during college.

INTENTIONALLY.

You say that you "managed", which sounds like it confirms my point: was there temptation? I'd bet there was an abundance of it.


Could you possibly put your bias way of thinking aside to at least comprehend the possibility that things may be this way for me because I've had a rough life growing up? I realize. You quit college and all because asking you to think critically is too much for you to handle


This assumes that YOU know ME. Since you asked (I know you really didn't)I'll tell you that I dropped out of college due to financial reasons. Until recently, it wasn't a possibility for me to return.

To the rest of your statement, if your childhood was so rough that it has somehow stunted you emotionally, perhaps a therapist is in order.

Your "rough childhood" doesn't shame me or make me feel sorry for you. I have a personal disdain for people that won't make an effort to rise above their situation. The type of people that do terrible things and say, "it's not my fault, I was raised bad!" It's bullshit. I had a shit childhood too, but I overcame it. All of it.

So, no, I won't feel sorry for you and your excuses. You're an adult, grow the hell up and act like one. Stop whining about your past and make a better future.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 811
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/30/2015 11:58:34 AM

For some sometimes, Yes.... I can say My marriage to my Late Wife, the Honeymoon Phase lasted for at least 3 Years...... The Year before We married & the next 2 Years afterwards.... If You have a Real Short Honeymoon Phase, maybe You weren't as Compatible as You thought You were..

Well, just like LTR, STR, and MTR being variable/subjective terms to some degree -- so is honeymoon phase, possibly even more. If two people were in a serious relationship for a year-ish, and the guy proposes to her, how often is he pulled aside and told "Whoah, dude. You have to think about this. I mean, you're in a honeymoon phase right now... you don't really know her or you both! Married FOREVER? Ya gotta date for 3 years, give or take."? That's not the impression, by default. It'd take something Outside the norm to bring those thoughts to mind about them (like them having a LD relationship or something like that in that whole year).

I see honeymoon phase as in the blissful dating phase -- things haven't come down to earth much. One could definite it differently of course, but it's too variable of a term. I could see you defining it as a relationship being blissful... which if for you with your late wife was 3 years, who's to say for someone else it couldn't have been 10 years? Is that 10 year relationship, or even the 3 year relationship -- still in the Short Term phase because they're in a (less-intense definition of a) honeymoon phase? No...

That why I say, what's applicable to this topic -- is a honeymoon phase meaning that "reality hasn't set in yet" about the real you and the real them meshing. That COULD last more than a year, but usually it lasts in a matter of weeks or a few months.

Those who have Not been in a Long LTR, don't have the Experience that those Who have been in One..

True, someone who hasn't been in a 10-year relationship hasn't experienced it. But that's moot. He said BAD 10-year relationship. You're saying no matter How Bad a 10-year relationship is, no matter how awful that other person is or the mismatch that's pull one's hair out -- you're saying that's (objectively speaking no less) BETTER, than being in 10 Great 1-year-ish Relationships in one's lifetime? Granted, good luck going 10-for-10 without any heartbreak that creates angst and bad memories, but that's beside the point.

ANY length of a Relationship, whether be 1 year or 20 years, that's BAD is *worse* than any length of a Relationship that's GOOD.

Your advice is the equivalent of assuming the black guy is always the criminal.

No, his advice isn't like that. It isn't raw stereotyping. Not any more than one's advice on not to tell any dirty jokes in front of grandparents you're first meeting. You can recognize that there will be a grandparent who will chuckle at some dirty jokes, but yes, they are "playing the odds".

When I said your approach has to be completely yourself, I didn't mean you have to put your best foot forward. I mean you have to do what comes natural.

Then I guess I'd be cracking a Depends joke on a gal's grandmaw when first meeting her. "Hey, I'm just being myself! I'm just being honest! You want me to put on an act?! Dress up like a bird? Maybe walk with a cane like your crippled grandpa over there? Heck no! I'm doing the right thing here -- I'm not some fake!" ;)
 OtisGreening
Joined: 12/8/2014
Msg: 812
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/30/2015 12:15:31 PM

The advice "be yourself" simply doesn't work.


Sad but true. Because sometimes, "yourself" is a not relationship material. And just being your true self doesn't entitle one to being in a functional, healthy relationship either. It's not all about "yourself" but more about other people's perceptions of you...you aren't dating YOURSELF after all.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 813
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/30/2015 12:31:45 PM

Sad but true. Because sometimes, "yourself" is a not relationship material. And just being your true self doesn't entitle one to being in a functional, healthy relationship either. It's not all about "yourself" but more about other people's perceptions of you...you aren't dating YOURSELF after all.


Alas, Otis, well said.

To be yourself you have to start with WHAT is yourself. And that can be a complex question because it's made up of different facades and persona's that we play that are driven by our own bravado, our own fears, and our own conditioning.

Half the morons here have been affected by their conditioning to limit themselves. Henry Ford said a long time ago that what you think you become. Everything, including how you define yourself starts with a thought. You do not throw a guy in a supreme court hearing without before having many years of learning to be someone ELSE. Yet when we apply that to dating we think anything other than being yourself is dishonest or something not to do. Utter bu ll sh it. YOU define what you want to be and then you pursue whatever it is that will make you into the SELF that you want to be. If you define yourself by your learned Helplessness, you become simply a victim, someone that life happen to them, instead of one that takes live by the horns and has the balls (including women here) to make something happen.

So Otis, Bravo on your statement.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 814
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/30/2015 12:43:19 PM
Msg. 883:
I never said I(that means me) ignore girls. If it came off that way; well even I make mistakes. I said ignoring women has been shown to mess with their mind.


Uh…who do you think you’re fooling?

Msg. 814:
It's all very simple fellow men: ignore them. I think it's completely classless when a woman ignores a guy who is looking right at her and talking. Give them a taste of their own medicine, and then we'll see if they still think "all guys do is complain because they get rejected". Stop thinking with the lower half of your anatomy, and use the three pounds in your cranial cavity. Turn it into a junior high school dance if you want. If we do it enough, things will change. As I said before; both sexes screwed dating up. One more then the other, but both for sure.


SMH

Seems like you have worse problems than never holding a woman's hand. :/
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 815
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/30/2015 12:51:34 PM

Sad but true. Because sometimes, "yourself" is a not relationship material. And just being your true self doesn't entitle one to being in a functional, healthy relationship either.

Exactly. For those who don't change, can't change, nor want to change -- they aren't putting everything in perspective. All that clouds them is the concept of people putting on an "act" (which happens out there), and they don't understand that that's NOT the only alternative. :)
 OtisGreening
Joined: 12/8/2014
Msg: 816
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/30/2015 1:02:40 PM
Thank you IG :) I'm not a fan of cliches anyway, as humans are much more complex for those types of affirmations to hold TOO much water. I meant to post this last night in response to Coma but the boards were acting screwy.


The bottom line is this: What you're doing right now isn't working, so copy people that are successful.


I'm not so sure about that. It's not as simple as you've presented it. What works for others may not work for you - especially if one's social skills & methods of interaction with women are f*cked up. Love comes more easy for some & and for others, not so much. I could emulate the habits and behaviors of those who are successful at finding love and still be perpetually single. It may increase one's chances but it's no guarantee. You cannot make someone love you and not everyone is destined to find love.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 817
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History
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/30/2015 2:44:37 PM

I'm not so sure about that. It's not as simple as you've presented it. What works for others may not work for you - especially if one's social skills & methods of interaction with women are f*cked up. Love comes more easy for some & and for others, not so much. I could emulate the habits and behaviors of those who are successful at finding love and still be perpetually single. It may increase one's chances but it's no guarantee. You cannot make someone love you and not everyone is destined to find love.


Sure, there's no 100% guarantee of anything. You can have the best trainer in the world, but you can still lose a wrestling competition. But you'll find with anything, knowing the basics and becoming competent will grant you consistent results over time. A guy might not go from being a complete loner to dating supermodels overnight because he has the right information, but he'll be getting better and more consistent results than someone that doesn't care to learn. By going out and interacting with the people they want to date, they will be improving and calibrating their social skills. Naturals are just people that socialize all the time or pick up these skills quickly. They're all learned behaviours.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 818
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/30/2015 2:54:38 PM

norwegianguy123:

True, someone who hasn't been in a 10-year relationship hasn't experienced it. But that's moot. He said BAD 10-year relationship. You're saying no matter How Bad a 10-year relationship is, no matter how awful that other person is or the mismatch that's pull one's hair out -- you're saying that's (objectively speaking no less) BETTER, than being in 10 Great 1-year-ish Relationships in one's lifetime? Granted, good luck going 10-for-10 without any heartbreak that creates angst and bad memories, but that's beside the point.

ANY length of a Relationship, whether be 1 year or 20 years, that's BAD is *worse* than any length of a Relationship that's GOOD.


NO, I say the Premiss of His argument is Flawed... 1st is the 10 Year Bad Relationship, anyone who stays in a Relationship that is Totally Bad for 10 Years has some Mental or Emotional Problems.... The person who claims their whole 10 year Relationship was bad, is someone who is still Hurting from that Relationship.. They are Bitter or Jaded at that Point....

2nd is the 10 Awesome Relationships over 10 Years....... If they were SO Awesome, why didn't one of them last?

Every Relationship has problems at some point, it's how You handle those problems.... If You run at the 1st Sign of Storm Clouds on the Horizon, then You will never survive in a LTR.... If You work thru Your problems, You can come out the other side with a Stronger Relationship.....

In some ways it's like heating Your house with a Wood Stove......
You need a Hot Fire to get it started.... You have to know when to add Fuel & when to close down the Dampener & Draft so the Fire will last overnight & still be burning in the morning when you add more Fuel for the Day.....


BBE:
Just like those Who have Served in the Military have the Experience of being in a Situation where They don't have Complete Control of their Day to Day Lives.... One where You can't just Quit & Leave, because You don't like some part of it.... College, Work, & Anything Else in Civilian Life doesn't Compare..... Except maybe someone in Jail.....



Dee4166:
How about someone in a hospital?

I don't about the Law in Canada, Can they throw you in jail for Quitting Your Job at a Hospital? If so, then yes, otherwise, then No..... I have Left Jobs because I didn't like the Working Conditions, just like some have left Relationships, because they didn't like the Relationship Conditions......
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 819
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/30/2015 4:06:41 PM

It's not a coincidence that the people that know what they're doing consistently get better results than the people that don't.


No, it's not a coincidence. But who are they getting those results with? You're failing to understand that not every girl fits the same mold. It's like the idea of don't go on a date and talk about video games all night. Not only is the type of girl I'm looking for someone who wouldn't care, talking about video games is actually what led to one of my best friends finding his girlfriend. Mistakes are only mistakes to people who see them as mistakes. Yeah, your pool of potential people is going to be way smaller if you don't conform to the stereotypical girl, but there's so many different girls out there, that you'll still be able to find someone. And did you ever think that not every guy is interested in the typical girl? You're tunneling on one specific type of girl. The reason the shy guy manages to get a girl is because shyness wasn't an automatic turnoff to her, same with the timid guy, the awkward guy. Girls that like these "negative traits" exist.

All it comes down to is not fearing rejection. If you have that, yeah, sometimes you'll go through some dry points, but you'll never really have trouble finding dates. But, it's also safe to assume that fearing rejection is why a lot of guys end up on these sites, and end up using them as a crutch, but then, you still fear that rejection.


It would be more productive if you contributed something positive to the thread like some form of advice instead of silly comments.


Like act naturally, take the shot, don't fear rejection since the worst thing that happens is she says no? Right, I've put no advice in there. You're just focused on what you disagree with.

You're the only person I've ever seen who can understand saying that if you be yourself and act naturally, accept the fact that there's things that are just out of your control, and you'll find someone eventually, as a negative thing. I'm guessing it's because you won't find someone NOW by not following your rules?

I congratulate you, you have a girlfriend. Clearly you're the only one in this thread that has ever done that and the rest of us have been single our entire lives and never dated, and any time single was NEVER by choice. If you have to do things this certain way, if you can't make these mistakes, how come not following your advice has worked for me multiple times? Wanna explain how being my apparently negative self just put me through about 2 months of a girl that just wouldn't take no for an answer? You didn't solve some cosmic mystery by finding a girlfriend. I disagree with a lot of what you say because experience has taught me to disagree.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 820
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/30/2015 4:21:11 PM

1st is the 10 Year Bad Relationship, anyone who stays in a Relationship that is Totally Bad for 10 Years has some Mental or Emotional Problems....

A HORRIBLE relationship, I agree. But, there's not much of a shortage of people with mental/emotional problems. But yes, I agree, on the Horrible level, it's not a common thing for a whole 10 years.

The person who claims their whole 10 year Relationship was bad, is someone who is still Hurting from that Relationship.. They are Bitter or Jaded at that Point....

Well, that certainly can be true. But not necessarily. When (just) "bad", they can stay in it because of kids... and can get used to it. Kind of like walking with a limp that pains the joint, but, instead of going to the doctor more than once, they just "deal with it". Many people who are stuck in a bad relationship for years are told "Why are you guys still together?!" It's the Attachment part, and the fear of being single, that many times keeps them there. It's not the Most Horrible relationship in the world, because otherwise it Usually wouldn't last So long. But it's just bad.

And many times they don't realize anything outside that bubble... then well after they DO finally breakup, they go "Holy sh!t, why did I stay in that for so many years??" "Told ya 'bro." It's understandable. Obviously it's less realistic if it's not even really that Functional (even though I guess that does happen). But a Bad Relationship many times isn't realized how bad it really is, as to many people that's all they know or can really know.

Instead of a classic "10 years of a Bad Relationship" many times meaning it was a decent relationship with too many Bad Times, but overall it shouldn't be labeled as "BAD" -- you do have some, and not some super-shortage either, of 10-year relationships that was overall a Bad Relationship, with some Good Times sprinkled in.

Some people though cherish the concept By Itself of BEING IN ONE, because they need someone (insert-person-here) -- and to that, sure, I could see them thinking "I'd take a not-so-great 10 year relationship over many Great 1-year relationships, because I cherish the concept of being with ONE person in and of itself."

2nd is the 10 Awesome Relationships over 10 Years....... If they were SO Awesome, why didn't one of them last?

Oh, there's understandable reasons -- but yeah, 10 is an unrealistic number for that, just like it's unrealistic that a woman was in a horrible, abusive relationship for all its 10 years (can happen, but not as common to that level as claimed post-breakup).

Just a Few Reasons:
- One moved overseas for a job
- A college relationship but both are from other areas; LD relationship afterward wouldn't/didn't work out
- He or she wanted to get married after a year, coming up to their anniversary; they part ways because the other didn't want to, but the relationship overall was great
- He cheated on her, ruined it at the end; but it was a fantastic relationship he ruined at the end

You can change that stuff up.... again, much like a 10 year relationship not being actually BAD, but just having a sore spot at the end which makes the Relationship Itself Not Bad, a 1-year relationship can have the same thing.

Overall, I'd rather be Single, even in the not so-greatest single-life, than be in an ACTUALLY Bad 10-year Relationship. But then again, I'm not affected by cultural peer-pressure much, and do have decent luck in the single life -- so I don't enjoy being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, in and of itself. However, WHEN in a Relationship with a great match -- yes, that's better than the single life for a non-Hollywood star. :)
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 821
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The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/30/2015 5:16:23 PM

No, it's not a coincidence. But who are they getting those results with? You're failing to understand that not every girl fits the same mold. It's like the idea of don't go on a date and talk about video games all night. Not only is the type of girl I'm looking for someone who wouldn't care, talking about video games is actually what led to one of my best friends finding his girlfriend. Mistakes are only mistakes to people who see them as mistakes. Yeah, your pool of potential people is going to be way smaller if you don't conform to the stereotypical girl, but there's so many different girls out there, that you'll still be able to find someone. And did you ever think that not every guy is interested in the typical girl? You're tunneling on one specific type of girl. The reason the shy guy manages to get a girl is because shyness wasn't an automatic turnoff to her, same with the timid guy, the awkward guy. Girls that like these "negative traits" exist.

All it comes down to is not fearing rejection. If you have that, yeah, sometimes you'll go through some dry points, but you'll never really have trouble finding dates. But, it's also safe to assume that fearing rejection is why a lot of guys end up on these sites, and end up using them as a crutch, but then, you still fear that rejection.


How do you know that it was the quality of being shy that attracted her? It was probably something else and you're thinking being shy got him a girlfriend because he's also shy. You're making lots of assumptions. There are universal things that can help or hurt your chances. That's because things like attraction and fearing the approach are instinctual.


Like act naturally, take the shot, don't fear rejection since the worst thing that happens is she says no? Right, I've put no advice in there. You're just focused on what you disagree with.

You're the only person I've ever seen who can understand saying that if you be yourself and act naturally, accept the fact that there's things that are just out of your control, and you'll find someone eventually, as a negative thing. I'm guessing it's because you won't find someone NOW by not following your rules?

I congratulate you, you have a girlfriend. Clearly you're the only one in this thread that has ever done that and the rest of us have been single our entire lives and never dated, and any time single was NEVER by choice. If you have to do things this certain way, if you can't make these mistakes, how come not following your advice has worked for me multiple times? Wanna explain how being my apparently negative self just put me through about 2 months of a girl that just wouldn't take no for an answer? You didn't solve some cosmic mystery by finding a girlfriend. I disagree with a lot of what you say because experience has taught me to disagree.


How can you say "negative apparent self" when every post is full of negativity? You're basically bashing me for dating someone and helping people. You have to be a pretty negative person to find something wrong with that. I never told anyone it can't be done unless you do thigns my way. I told them to learn the basic mistakes to avoid to maximize their chances. I'm not sure why you're focused on me. I'm giving people basic information that they can apply to any situation and apparently you see something wrong with that. It's not normal to be that upset over someone helping other people on a message board.
 phinatic14
Joined: 5/10/2013
Msg: 822
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/31/2015 12:22:31 AM
[So, no, I won't feel sorry for you and your excuses]

Dude, I'm not looking for your sympathy. Nor would I accept it if you were offering it to me. I realize you and everyone else here might be trying to help me in some strange way, but as I've stated before I think my ship sank a long time ago. What good would help do?

As far as the bad childhood is concerned, understand this: when you are born, you are what is known as "tabula Rasa", or blank slate or book. What happens to a kid when they are young(the first chapters of the book), influence what happens in the later. Yes, you can try and fix what happened in the beginning, but it's not as easy as it seems. Problems later in life are usually due to the beginning be screwed up somehow. So, before you or anyone else labels someone as weird, a social outcast, socially inept, or whatever; consider the possibility that it might not be that person's fault.

In my case; I think you and others here have made it pretty clear that you think of me as a second-class citizen because of my lack of any of this. Yet, I don't think any less of you because you didn't finish college do I?
 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 823
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/31/2015 1:51:14 AM

In my case; I think you and others here have made it pretty clear that you think of me as a second-class citizen because of my lack of any of this. Yet, I don't think any less of you because you didn't finish college do I?


As I said in my post, I have no respect for people that make excuses for themselves.

If I were on a website, giving advice about finishing college, it would matter that I didn't. But this is a dating website and my college background doesn't matter.

As IG puts it: What you think; you become. Getting over a rough childhood IS as easy as it seems. It's a choice. It either consumes you or you move on.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 824
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The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/31/2015 3:19:17 AM

Getting over a rough childhood IS as easy as it seems. It's a choice. It either consumes you or you move on.


Forgetting two little words there....for YOU!!!!

There are MILLIONS of people, professionals, and medications as well as ENTIRE branches of mental health devoted to that VERY thing....So apparently it's really NOT that "simple" for a LOT of people.....

I have a 15 yr old niece who started to cut herself a couple of years ago because her deadbeat father disappeared from her Life WITHOUT a WORD when she was twelve....still alive and well, just can't be bothered having ANY kind of relationship, not even a B-Day or X-Mas card, and NOT A WORD of explanation to her....
If you know ANYTHING about human development and behaviour then you know that moving beyond that is going to require more than just "getting over it"....

Besides, people are ALL different and react to things differently as well. And you have NO clue as to what this person has or has not been through or how that may compare to your experience.

I mean seriously....wow, just wow....not a very compassionate POV, towards yourself either, never mind based on NO information other than your own, personal experience....and a whole heaping helping of judgement....
 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 825
The infamous NICE GUY rant
Posted: 1/31/2015 4:00:34 AM

I have a 15 yr old niece who started to cut herself a couple of years ago because her deadbeat father disappeared from her Life WITHOUT a WORD when she was twelve


This is going to sound very cold, and by all means do I not intend on alienating anyone, but I think you're wrong.

It IS as easy as choice. I'm not being judgmental. I just don't have any respect for people that won't take any initiative in improving their situations.

When I was 6 years old, my biological father turned a gun on my mom and did the whole murder suicide thing. I then had the privilege of running around the foster care system for a couple of years before a nice older couple adopted me and became what I call my parents. I have no family by blood. The constant bouncing around of foster care made me have few friends.

The easier choice on the path is to let it consume you, which is exactly what a lot of people do. It's at that point that "help" is required, but just because ALOT of people do something, doesn't mean it's difficult to make a different choice.

Also, a lot of what I'm saying applies to an adult, with their past firmly behind them. A fifteen year old doesn't have the benefit of maturity or experience. IE: your niece is still a child, therefore, how could she get over her childhood when it isn't complete.

Now, I don't actually believe the poster I was replying to had a "rough childhood". I believe he said that simply to get a sympathy vote, but I stand by what I said.
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