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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?      Home login  
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 gravity23
Joined: 3/16/2008
Msg: 101
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?Page 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Galicat,

This is textbook definition of intimate partner violence. I am glad you are able to see that something is not right with this man, that is a big step. The way you said he would lash out then apologize, is the cycle. It usually happens that way. This is not your fault-no matter what he says (or anyone else for that matter). It is someone's business, it's yours. You can look up your local or national hotline. RAINN has a good online support program you can use.


the problem is he has now he has turned around and says he loves me and can do anything with me by his side and togeather we can get through anything and that he got us ino the mess and will get us out. i don't know if i can trust and believe in him anymore but if i don't he has the house over me and can say i was the one that didn't work with him to make us better


Its a cycle, this is certainly the 'honeymoon phase' the cycle depicts (1. tension building 2.incident 3. honeymoon stage-where he apologizes and promises he'll be better) its his way of controlling you.

i can't say leave, because that is YOUR YOUR YOUR choice. However, I would definitely recommend looking up national hotlines of how you can get out of it where you can go, who you can contact. im glad you recognize this now before it even escalates even worse, cause it can.

I know I seem young in saying this to you, but domestic violence is something I have personally concentrated on during college and have experience in helping women who have been through dating violence-not saying I am an expert. I recommend definitely looking up national hotlines, even if he said not to talk to anyone you can clear RAINN's website out of your browser history so he won't know.
 Deni3
Joined: 3/14/2008
Msg: 102
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/6/2008 7:57:44 PM
get a good lawyer. You need out.
 brokenheartsunite
Joined: 3/7/2008
Msg: 103
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History
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:12:00 PM
Sounds like a sociopath--I was with one--get out while you can with as much as you can--please--
 ~DeepWaters~
Joined: 9/8/2007
Msg: 104
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:19:20 PM
OP - I hope by now you have some direction.....Food for thought: no house on earth is worth staying in a volatile situation......Good luck to you OP........
 vivaciousvixen2
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 105
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/6/2008 9:13:54 PM
I NEED HELP
I live in the state of Florida. My husband is from the UK and living with a woman in Canada. I am FINALLY getting divorced from this crazy abusive loser~ feels like 4ever. I received 2 packages from his lawyer this week. One was do I agree with his divorce terms? That one gives me the parental rights of my daughter. That is what I want. I do not want him near our family~mommy, my son, my daughter. He is manipulative and abusive. In this package, I agree to no alimony.....fine..........get rid of the man who calls his wife "tart" every day and did not allow me to leave the house.
ALSO he is sticking me with so far the balance is 4k of medical bills for the family.

The other package is his financial statement~which contains alot of fraud-discloses only the 45kof the family money that he pocketed in his name to a British account when he really had 95k. In addition, many fake bills and I can prove that in court.

I am not here for the money. Like I told the woman here. RUN LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!
I can't afford a lawyer. I can't get free legal council and I have 15 days to submit a letter to the court and return receipt US MAIL it to his lawyer stating that he owes these medical bills. I am sick of him screwing me. AND I do not agree to his terms.The least that he can do after pocketing 95k is pay a few medical bills for the family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Does anybody know quickly where I can get legal representation or help immediately in the state of Florida with an international marriage? ASAP? Thank You!
 someoneaussie
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 106
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/10/2008 8:26:40 PM
Sorry, Im in Australia and have no idea about USA law

For the rest of you: I have been to Family lawer (SOOO expensive) and they are drafting up a separation agreement. I have to get my partner to list his assets and in the end he will need to be satisfied anough with it all to sign it and then it is logged with the courts. He is being up and down. Loving and sweet one minute and distant the next. I am feeling like a puppet with no control over my own life until this is sorted and then I will own the house and can do as I like. It will be a massive finacial burden but worth it not to have to deal with these confusing, sickening flare ups ever again

many thanks to you all. I will touch base again when the legal docs have been signed and we are formally separated

galicat
 Bluesman2008
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 107
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/10/2008 10:01:43 PM
This guy sounds like a completely loose cannon. I would run, not walk to the nearest exit. Next, and MOST IMPORTANT, figure out in your own head (with whatever assistance is required) how it is you wound up with this guy. There was obviously a (semi) working symbiotic relationship albeit tenuous as hell. But you need that information for yourself to avoid similar types otherwise you're doomed to a repeat performance.
 Jassmina
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 108
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have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/10/2008 10:11:24 PM
Go to wikipaedia and check out the "Mental Health" area, it lists traits about the person, even the one that you suggested. It will give anyone an insight into what to look for and avoid.
 Evenor
Joined: 10/1/2007
Msg: 109
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/10/2008 10:12:48 PM
Don't know the particulars of the situation intimately, but there is always a possibility that there was some way that you may have said or done something you were unaware of that helped fan the flame from the stress from work. Seems like there is a lack of communication of what's really going on... maybe doesn't feel like it would be appropriate to talk about... that he would risk losing you if he said something. That he may be viewed as less of a person if he leaves that place for another. Yet if work is so stressful, he should either stand up for himself and make it work out for him or leave. Only thing I could say is think about where you want to go in life... then feel what your heart feels about it. If you feel joy about what you are thinking, then go for it. Otherwise, it may not work out if you follow that path...
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 110
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/11/2008 4:32:54 AM

Does anybody know quickly where I can get legal representation or help immediately in the state of Florida with an international marriage? ASAP? Thank You!


You can try Florida Legal Services as a start (attorneys provide pro bono services through this non-profit organization). Another option is to go through the FL Bar for an attorney referral which gives you an option to have an initial consult for a nominal fee of $25.00. While that doesn't sound like much, you might get sufficient advice on that initial consult to know how to proceed. You might also look through the FL statutes for relevant laws and statutes as a point of reference:

http://www.leg.state.fl.us/Welcome/index.cfm?CFID=45858979&CFTOKEN=11042378

Although, I would imagine you have already done the above. Were you married in UK or US? Maybe best to email me off thread. I live in FL also.
 nemchucks
Joined: 5/8/2007
Msg: 111
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/11/2008 8:00:30 AM
I'd say give him some more time.He's learning to identify and deal with his problems,give him the chance.Some times work stress can effect a guys relationship the way its effecting yours specialy when it becomes unmanagable,which is the case with him.I think hes said somethings he regrets too,and relizes this.He's trying to get a grip on things.Tell him to go to the gym at least 3 times a week and get a good workout.It's a great stress releaver and will help him focus on things better,very important.The remark about holding the house over your head comes from the need to feel like hes got some kind of control over his relationship,some security.I think you should work on it with him,talk to him.Find out what stresses him out and see if you can help him releave it.Maby he should change jobs.
 someoneaussie
Joined: 5/31/2007
Msg: 112
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:42:36 PM
thanks for your comments/insight nemchucks. interesting you are a superintendant. my partner used to be a cop and has a few issues from that time I think (cynicle and can be a bit paranoid). i believe you could be right about some men and stress but i think back to my dad (who got a terminal ilness when i was quite young) and i see that he managed to at least appear to us to handel it and no go off the deep end, go psycho or be cruel. it makes me realise how much integrity some people have and wonder if my partner is lacking in it or maybe just immature and not good at dealing with stress

for your info and everyone else that has helped me with the post: i have been to a family lawer ($2200 later) we have a separation agreement. there are a couple of things to iron out but escentiall it is all decided and i take ownership of the house in may at which time he will move out. now this has been donw things have quietened down allot and i reflect back and wonder if i was the cause of the drama. maybe it was me not accepting his stress and behaviour that made it worse? NO!! i'm not going to start thinking that and repeating this all over again. you people hgave been very supportive and helpful as have my family and i am not throwing that time, imput and advice away. I AM HOLDING ONTO IT. all you woman that said you have been through this and it recurs and gets worse - I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF OF THAT everytime i look at him or he is caring and lovley and remind myself of the bad times and not dream. unless a man can control his anger or at least share and explain himself when he is under this kind of stress then it is not acceptable, even less so when they blame you, yell and put down. i can't believe it is that same man somtimes and i accept that if i just keept my mouth shut then the situation might be differeent but then what would I be? A completly manipulatable dormat with no voice and not entitled to have the standards and expecaqtions that this man assumes for himself as standard

thank you all. will keep you posted and please do keep rolling with the feedback (for and against), it really is so helpful and i come back and read it to refocus often

galicat
 Sabrosura
Joined: 8/1/2007
Msg: 113
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:47:27 PM
Sounds like he is extremely unstable and dangerous. Seek legal counseling and follow though, and get him out of your life before it's too late!

All the best,

 chrylann
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 114
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History
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:52:21 PM
He sounds like he could be dangerous. Get out while you can.
 x_x
Joined: 4/12/2008
Msg: 115
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/21/2008 2:07:35 AM
Sounds like an abuser to me. Leave NOW!!!
 cordie_from_heaven
Joined: 3/9/2007
Msg: 116
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/21/2008 4:12:29 AM
I didn't read through any other replies yet, but here is my take.

#1. Good for him for agreeing so seek help

#2. He CANNOT kick you out on a whim. If you bring $ in and help with household bills then you can be considered a tenet. In most areas, a 'landlord' has to give the tenet x- amount of days to vacate. In NC, I know it is 30 days, and I've heard of some as low as 10 days. So, call a lawyer and ask.

#3. If you are willing to try and work things through with him, but feel it is best for you not to reside together...start getting your things in order and tell him 'You have 30 days from right now to start getting your act together. If you haven't by then, I am leaving'. And follow through with that, if 'threatening' him doesn't get him moving, maybe seeing you hauling all your shit out to the car will.

#4. He is controlling you because he is out of control of himself. THat's what people do...if people feel like they are losing control over theirs lives, they start trying to control other people to regain whatever it is they feel the lost.

#5. You didn't mention if he has been physically abusive to YOU. Who hasn't hit a wall out of frustration? I know I have. Welder has. But, if he is actually hitting you or threatening you with physical harm, then you should go on and leave for the time being. Especially if this was a sudden change in him....because that could signal a mental health problem.

**Just recently there was a case here in Charlotte about a guy who had been married for a long time, had kids, etc. Then out of the blue he started being compulisvely worried about things. He went to thearpy and all that. Then one day his wife comes home to see cops everywhere. He had butchered his young twin daughters. You can google it if your like for more info on what professionals said made him snap. **

I wish you luck...

~Welder's Girl~
 angelheart3
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 117
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 4/21/2008 4:19:21 AM
galicat...


now this has been donw things have quietened down allot and i reflect back and wonder if i was the cause of the drama. maybe it was me not accepting his stress and behaviour that made it worse?


Part of the victim impact of the cycle of abuse is the "self-blame factor". You were NOT the cause of the drama, however, you were a participant in the drama. Please follow another poster's advice and read up on the cycle of abuse. Then, take that suggestion to the next level and find a good support group. That cycling between honeymoon, build-up and explosion (even in the absence of physical violence) really messes with a victim's head to put it delicately.

You are so correct in this statement:


all you woman that said you have been through this and it recurs and gets worse - I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF OF THAT everytime i look at him or he is caring and lovley and remind myself of the bad times and not dream.


Don't let yourself get caught up in wishful thinking. Make decisions, as you have been, and act on your decisions, as it appears you are doing. Until you are really free of this man, hope for the best in exiting the relationship, but expect the worst so you aren't finding yourself derailed should he once again turn on a dime.


not acceptable, even less so when they blame you, yell and put down. i can't believe it is that same man somtimes and i accept that if i just keept my mouth shut then the situation might be differeent but then what would I be? A completly manipulatable dormat with no voice and not entitled to have the standards and expecaqtions that this man assumes for himself as standard


Part of the blame, yelling and putting down is to get you to accept responsibility for their own consequences resulting from their own choices. Even if you were successful in 100% of the time keeping your mouth shut, the only thing that would change is that he would attack your silence. You have a voice and don't need anyone's permission to use your voice. Nor do you need anyone's permission to define the quality of your life. You are as entitled as any other person on the planet to your standards and your expectations. You are not a doormat until you empower someone else to convince you that you are.

There are a number of online support groups for people who have experienced relationships such as you have described. Please seek some of those out, especially before even considering entering another relationship. Don't wait on that as you need that level of support even now as you are taking your life back. Regardless of who this man is that you have been involved with and what he has done to you, there's part of you that needs self-work. It's not about blame, but about accepting personal ownership of the choices you made in the beginning that led you to where you are as well as identifying your "red flags" and why you missed those "red flags". They were there from the beginning, but for some reason you didn't see them. This level of support will also help you to stop focusing on him (which becomes such an ingrained habit that it actually keeps one stuck long after the relationship is over) and focus more on what you need to do for yourself.

And...make sure you have a safety plan even if you never have to use it - especially as he is still in the house! It doesn't matter if there was no prior physical violence against you or even objects in the home. Have a safety plan anyway. You already know this man is unstable, but you don't know at the end of the day how he is going to react when the reality hits him that it's really over. As long as he is residing in the same house, that reality for him isn't real yet. Nor is it real for you yet, even though you are taking steps to get there.

 kcladyz
Joined: 8/7/2009
Msg: 118
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 10/19/2011 4:03:01 PM
he is nuts. you need to move out, take legal proof of your contribution to the cost of the house and sue his ass for your share of the property. i was married to an abuseive man and i am telling you it will not get better. you can not make him change
 cin____dy
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 119
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 10/19/2011 9:51:04 PM
A house and "things" are never worth ABUSE. that is what is going on--get out of it.
 Blu_Angie
Joined: 11/7/2010
Msg: 120
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 10/20/2011 9:46:29 AM
GET AWAY FROM HIM NOW before he totally flips out and puts you in the hospital... or worse.... or call the police and have him removed until he gets the help he needs. You are safer leaving.
 4everRadiant
Joined: 1/16/2011
Msg: 121
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 10/20/2011 11:38:56 AM
"it really is so helpful and i come back and read it to refocus often"



Op, I see your last post was in 2008, and I hope you are still alive and still reading comments to refocus, if need be.

Ample suggestions had been given concerning how you could proceed legally in reference to the house, and how you could proceed with respect to getting personal counseling to help safely leave the situation. I hope the situation with the house was resolved and your safety was secured.

Most importantly, people told you your very life was at stake. They were, in essence, also asking: "do you really feel a house is more important than your life?"

IF you're still in harm's way, this man is ABSOLUTELY, without question, CAPABLE of MURDERING YOU based on all you described. If considering this very real possibility has not moved you to leave, what will? I hope you found the support and strength to leave. You most certainly deserve that, to say the least.

I'm aware that getting out of this type of situation isn't easy in reference to your home or your personhood. Yet as some have basically stated... what good is a home if you're dead? If you're not out by now, your only "home" could be a coffin.

The fact that he WAS a cop could potentially increase the chances he might believe he could get away with murdering you because most former cops have "old friends" still on the police force... some who might be more willing to back up a friend... NOT you!

Again, I see much time has passed since the initial OP. I'm so hoping you're around, and by now have a safe and peaceful relationship and life.
 susanwp
Joined: 1/5/2010
Msg: 122
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have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 10/20/2011 2:15:27 PM
You need to get out of there, house or not. your life is more important than any material thing on this earth.
 jypsee_soul
Joined: 10/14/2011
Msg: 123
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 10/20/2011 7:29:09 PM
ok...First of all...you have lost your perspctive. You write to this site,,,but you don't really want to know anything new. We are only going to tell you what you already know....get away fromthis man. The problem is not with him...The problem is within yourself...and what allows you to be treated in this way??? He has to want to help hiimself. Do you think he is asking anyone else for advice?? Is he trying to reach out to fix this situation,

At what point did you stop feeling that you were worth receiving the dignity that a human being deserves. Remember..you teach other people how to treat you. And
if you stay in this situation..you are telling him that it is acceptable to continue in this manner. With the occasional apologies.

Cut your losses. There is someone out there waiting to love you...that cannot get
through until you leave. Most importantly...start to love yourself again. What
advice would you give your daughter...if she came to you with this story. Time to
regain your soul....be strong....I believe in you!!!!!!!!!
 drumsafrican
Joined: 5/6/2006
Msg: 124
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History
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 10/20/2011 9:20:18 PM
I think that you would benefit from some individual counselling to sort out your feelings for this man and to assist you to move forward. If he threatens you when you discuss going to a counsellor then don't tell him about it. You need legal advice too.

I don't think this guy is just under work-related stress. He seems to have a lifelong pattern of blowing up at people rather than knowing how to calmly negotiate out problems with compromise.

Judith
 Seahorse22
Joined: 5/7/2011
Msg: 125
have i just got a man under stress or is he a psycho?
Posted: 11/9/2011 4:46:59 PM
I have got 3 words for you BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER. Google it or read a few books from Barnes and Noble. Best of luck to you!!!!!!
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