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Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 34
On dating a cheapskate.Page 2 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
Well, I don't know where he lives....But in CA if you are married for 10 years alimony is mandatory unless the party that would be recieving it declines it. There doesn't have to be any kids. In many cases.....if the wife does have a job and the couple was buying a house together, the husband just gives the wife the house instead of paying alimony. Then it is up to the wife to make the balance of the mortgage.

He didn't say anything about finding a better quality woman. I did. My point is...if he is so concerned about a woman thinking he is a cheapskate, he needs to look for better quality women.

I don't read any where in his post that would indicate to me that he would deny a partner any thing. I do understand about his feeling guilty about buying himself certain things. I think we all do that. I know I do. Heck, it's pretty hard for me to NOT buy that bigger boat I want. Why? Because I am single and the boat I have now is just fine.
Joined: 2/1/2008
Msg: 35
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 11:09:07 AM
I don't think that you're a cheapskate. I think you're a very sensible man, and know how to accumulate wealth, and at the same time, treat a woman like a queen. Not one thing wrong with that. I, too, am frugal (shop sales and coupons) but have accumulated quite a bit of resources over the years, and this is the reason. I live the very same way, love an older car (hate a car payment), live in an older charming home in an older neighborhood, (lived here for years, place been free & clear for years)furnished with good quality, but old furniture, which I bought piece by piece. But, on the other hand, I travel first class all the way, (when I choose to travel) and eat very well if I so choose. Sir, you're on the right track. Just read the morning paper and listen to the news about foreclosures.............................I think you and I are way ahead. No front, pretense just what we are, who we are. Take us or leave us.
Joined: 11/28/2005
Msg: 36
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 11:12:02 AM
its nothing wrong with being cheap i go to yards sale,and it saves me a lot but when it comes to my love there is nothing to good for him money it not easy to come by and your other half should be there to do her part but to day most woman want a new house,money,money,money but its more fun to own your place even if its small i am looking for a littler place to just to call mine and i bills come first some day i will have that small place i love fixing it up smelling the flowers and just to know i have the one i love with me so you stay the way you are a small place is better than a big one so much better to keep up with and my man is always close when i want him he can't run far but he wont run he would not run but in the bed room so dear hang in there if a woman wants more that you have is not worth it because they just want more till there are nothing left but hurt it,s ok to treat a lady good but there is a limit to draw the line and any way most woman are not happy when they do have it all i see it every where they have it all but still want more so don't try pleasing woman because you will just drive your self nuts most of them are our for one thing
Joined: 11/28/2005
Msg: 37
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 11:29:30 AM
this is a good story cheap when a man meets a woman for lunch now this is true so we meet and i got a hot drink and him he order every thing a big meal and when he was done eating he was going to leave this woman who was due any time a penny yes a penny and i jump on him about it so i did get 4 out of him she made 3-4 trips for him and that is cheap oh yes he call to go out again no way
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 38
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 11:30:44 AM

and if you don't value yourself,

If you don't value yourself you are missing a key component of a truly healthy relationship.

And I am not controlling her - I am enabling her.

"enabling" is often simply "controlling" in disguise.

And yes, at some point the woman you are dating IS going to wonder whether your generosity to her while denying yourself isn't just a false front. Or she may sense the low self esteem underlying, and wonder if eventually that issue doesn't cause deeper problems.

Yes, but I am not a "throw them in the lake so they have no choice but to learn to swim" type.

yes but being over protective/generous, not letting someone learn to stand on their own 2 feet, is another way to exert control over them.
Cindy O
Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 39
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 11:31:34 AM

I hope you weren't talking about yourself when you mentioned low self esteem. You have no reason to be that way. However, it wouldn't hurt you to splurge on yourself once in a while.

I do a lot of hunting and fishing. A few years ago I use to go fishing almost every weekend. I kept a log of my trips. 42 weekends in one year. However, the lake I went to gets very busy in the spring and summer. So, instead of going so often to the same lake.....I go less often to better places. This way I get my fix and I don't spend any more money.

It's nice having money......but what is the sense if you can't enjoy it? Pat yourself on the back. Do you realize how much farther ahead you are than 90% of the people on this site or any onther dating site? You are doing a great job. And you aren't a cheapskate.

A cheapskate is someone that expects a woman to pay for her half of the date.....AND the gas that he used in the car to pick her up.
I don't think most of these women on this site know what a true cheapskate is.
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 40
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 11:32:21 AM

I'm not saying they don't exist, but in my experience, I've never met anyone who was cheap with themselves and generous to others. Cheapness is a mindset . . . . and it is pervasive . . . I understand where you are coming from but I really don't enjoy being around cheap people . . . I had a roomate that was cheap and it was really annoying

On the otherhand when so many people are in debt today, kudo's to you for being responsible . . .
Joined: 2/20/2008
Msg: 41
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 11:41:49 AM

Invest into clothes AND shoes. That goes a long way with women. Doesn't have to the latest designer stuff, but one of the first things women look at on a guy are the shoes. Don't ask me why, must be the female shoes fetish :)

"Fancying up" a house isn't really "fancying it up", it's an investment. If you "fancy up" right places in the house, it will pay off VERY well when you turn around to sell it. Think about that too.

As for being cheap - like one the previous posters said, you gotta find yourself a girl who is into being financially responsible herself. And normally "the works" doesn't impress that type of a woman because she doesn't care for that type of stuff.
Joined: 11/6/2006
Msg: 42
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On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 12:09:36 PM
very well said violet. and that guy with the coffee ? god I hate when that happens ... there is a big difference between cheap and frugal (sp) all I know is that cheap men are such a turn off to me.. im not a big spender and do my own nails, hair and pedicures i never buy anything retail and can make a gormet meal out of nothing, and none of my husbands ever complained about the way they lived but when a guy stands there and watches you fumble for a 2.50 cup of coffee ??? i just can't imagine the embarrassment that would have caused me ... what a doofuss ! and I am sure with my quick wit and bad temper I would have had to embarrass him right back ... thats cheap hun sorry but you can call it what you want and sugar coat it that thrifty bull crap butits just plan cheap
Joined: 3/10/2008
Msg: 43
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 1:07:43 PM
I see it as thrifty myself.

As I'm a struggling student in college, I kinda have to be frugal especially with getting money to get books, transportation,etc, so it's not like I could be ballin or anything.

Personally I wouldn't go all out on the flowers, candy, etc until you have an actual relationship with the woman, but that's just my take on it.

Of course you should treat yourself too, especially if you are working hard for that money.
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 44
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 3:12:02 PM
I could add that this sort of thing is why mature adults might be better served to at least CONSIDER a "you and I" relationship (where love and emotional support exist but each maintains a separate household and minds their own finances) than the more common "we", attempting complete integration of values and philosophies that have been 25or more years in the making! When a man and woman in their 20s become a couple, they are still developing their values and philosophies,and it's so much easier to integrate them!

This is what I think I've been desiring, I just wasnt able to pinpoint exactly why I was not satisfied with my current options. I want a companion, not a breadwinner.

I'm at the point in my life where I am finally content and at peace. I worked REAL HARD to get here. My only real issue is that men are just more interesting than peace and quiet. I just get a little bored, now that I've made a lot of my dreams come true. I finally have something to offer, but I dont want to give up what I've worked so hard to achieve.

I used to joke with my ex-husband that we needed his 'n hers houses right next door to each other because he was such a slob and I got tired of picking up after him. Now I'm thinking that wasnt really a joke.
Joined: 1/24/2008
Msg: 45
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On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 3:44:01 PM
As a regular at thrift stores, I often have this discussion with my family of origin, and others. "Why don't you buy it new?"

Partly it's the thrill of the hunt, partly it's knowing that Good Will or Red Shield will have exactly what I need. (One summer I played in a concert band. The day before a very warm concert in the park, I went looking for black knee-length shorts, and a white top. Found both -- my thrifts colorize their offerings, and sort by style as well. The top has drum major styling, so it's even more appropriate for the intended purpose than anything I could find at original retail.) Thrifts and re-sellers have amazing buys, and stuff you cannot find at full-price stores.

Nothing wrong with saving money. I drive a car, purchased used, that's paid for. Driving to a recent outing, a friend blurted, "gosh, the heat works fine for an old car!" (I'd already played the "do you want to walk home?" card on her.)

Coupons are great. A sale on cat food is wonderful. Why pay full price? Anyone impressed by seeing money thrown around is not someone I'd want to spend much time with. OP, you're doing fine!
 dree thats me
Joined: 3/7/2008
Msg: 46
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 3:58:54 PM
I think a common budget should be only for bills, mortgage, house repairs, dentists, doctors, car repairs - you get my drift. Things that you HAVE to spend money on whether you like it or not. Otherwise, I think each person should have their own money. That way you can spend your money however you want, and she can spend hers however she wants. Its nice that you spend your money on your woman, but if she is expecting it then you are with the wrong kind of woman. A woman should never EXPECT a man to buy her things. I think frugal is definitely the better term here than cheapskate - its your money, you worked for it, you can spend it or save it however you want. Does your car get you from point a to point b? That's whats important here. Not what your car looks like.
If you were constantly making the girl pay for everything ie. movies, dinners, stuff like that, then yes I would call you a cheapskate. But if you take turns paying for stuff like that, then you are not cheap!
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 47
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/27/2008 4:17:52 PM
Let me make it clear, I have absolutely no quarrel with being thrifty, managing ones finances wisely and living within ones means. Indeed, "bargain hunting" is what I DO, partly to make an extra buck, partly to live well on a modest income.

But the OP seems to have made financial martyrdom a comfort zone for himself, and I am concerned that it is a symptom of an underlying deeper issue. But then again issues are something everyone has. There are worse ones than frugality/financial martyrdom, I'm sure.
He wondered if it would impact how women he dates might perceive him and I think that is very likely. If there is one thing I've noticed about Adventures in Dating, particularly for mature people,is the popularity of the "Let's look really really hard for red flags" exercise. And many would see his frugality as the "real" man, and the"beau" who pays for dinner, gives flowers, etc as a false front. False front=red flag.
Cindy O
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 48
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/28/2008 2:35:49 PM

But in CA if you are married for 10 years alimony is mandatory unless the party that would be recieving it declines it.

Geez, I was married for 25 years in CA and got a divorce there; I didn't get any alimony--and I sure the heck didn't refuse it.
Joined: 12/3/2006
Msg: 49
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/28/2008 2:58:50 PM
You are not alone Yevgeny. I, too, am frugal. Frugal does NOT mean cheap. Frugal means getting the most out of your money.

I don't care what kind of car my date drives and I don't care to go to 4 or 5 star restaurants -- the food isn't usually any better than a lot of less expensive places (and they usually "paint" plates with food rather than giving you enough to take home for a second meal). I don't care for flowers as they die.

I find spendthrifts to be immature and, a lot of times, selfish. A couple needs to build something together so that when they are able to retire, they will have the money it takes to do what they like. Not to get on to another subject, but . . . that is why so many people today are in such financial straits. They simply are not willing to defer gratification -- they have to go, do, have NOW.

I cannot speak for other women, but dinner and dancing or a movie or a picnic and enjoying the park or going to a high school game and a pizza afterwards or going to the zoo, a museum, an art show -- so many things people can do that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. One other thing . . . once I have been dating a guy a while, I want to cook a meal at home and rent a movie occasionally.
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 50
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/28/2008 5:23:27 PM
Cheapskate? Frugal? Heck, I've always thought of it as *smart* lol! When my friends in highscool were paying $5 for a pair of jeans, I was paying 25¢ at Sally Ann's ~~ made *my* babysitting money (25¢/hr) go lots further than theirs. . . .

OPie, I think the only thing you need do is to tell her what you've told us. If she's your kinda girl, she'll bite. If not, best to throw her back anyways. And there ARE plenty of fishies. . . .

Joined: 2/17/2006
Msg: 51
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/28/2008 6:52:36 PM
A problem here as the OP stated is that he has and probably will again point out less expensive items for his lady friend to buy. If she wants to spend an extra amount on whatever she wishes, it seems that he will eventually always point out the bargain deal he could have gotten. I have a friend like that and it drives me crazy. There is no way I could get involved with someone like that.
Joined: 12/8/2006
Msg: 52
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/28/2008 7:03:13 PM
At my age, I don't know if I'll ever totally blend finances again. On the other hand, I'm pretty thrifty myself, so thriftiness doesn't bother me.

BTW - my car has close to 200,000 miles on it, go baby, go!!!

I'm hoping to take to 300K.
 Ima Lady
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 54
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 3/28/2008 10:09:47 PM
from msg 24

I finally went and googled.. it IS cheapskate!!! 50 yrs i've been saying cheapscape!?

cheapskate, sounds so weird to me... maybe its a CA thing? I know I'm not only one who said it my way... pfft
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 55
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On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 5/29/2018 4:11:05 AM

I don't act as a cheapskate toward my dates. They get dinners, they get flowers, chocolates, the works. The restaurants we pick are reasonable - not fancy high-end, not low-end. I pay for both of us.

You like to treat your prospective dates well. I get it. You entertain with your generosity. I get that, too.

The glitter and romance are nice, at first, but what happens when reality sets in; what do you expect in a relationship, long-term? I see why some people might think you're trying to ensnare them with the finer things in life and then catch them in a bear trap of insufferable cheapskatery, later on. The fun and games end when shite gets serious and that's when you see your dates slowly walking backward.

And I turned from a thrifty person to a cheapskate.

Frugality is one thing; cheapskatery is an entirely different situation.

Do you look at someone like me - someone who is frugal toward himself, but doesn't mind spending on you (and, no, I expect no favors in return), and say "this is going to be a problem if we get into a relationship"? I can sorta see how a woman can look and say "once we have a common budget, he will drive me crazy with desire to avoid spending money - I will not be able to enjoy things money can buy". Or is it all in my head?

I can't imagine having a common budget with a cheapskate. That is not a situation in which I see myself. I have a particular lifestyle to which I am accustomed, and I built it myself. I like cooking, fun parties, and expressing my creativity with some of that. My investment in MY interests are for the long run. I'm not, however, going to go broke so a cheapskate can save money.
Joined: 7/25/2016
Msg: 56
On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 5/29/2018 10:32:54 AM
The fact that you are generous with your dates says you arent a cheapskate.
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 57
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On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 6/13/2018 1:45:46 PM
Cheapskates only get worse after marriage. Then they want YOU to pay the mortgage when you make far less than them!!!
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 58
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On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 6/18/2018 12:18:16 AM

So, the question is - do the alarms go off in your head?

Alarms are going to go off in some women's heads if they see you're driving a true beater car that could use some work, and your clothes don't fit well + don't look like they're on any expensive side to make up for that tackiness (thus, cheap).

In the end, gals in general aren't going to have an issue with a guy being frugal minded in His life. But of what he Does have: His house, his car, his clothes -- he makes it well Kept. Like your clothes being FITTING (which many guys in general miss the mark on, btw), especially if you're not paying much for them... that your house is well kept, and your beater car is polished well maintained where you wouldn't think it's a "beater" outside a mechanic's POV.

It's a good angle to have in general -- and kinda needed when one lives a really frugal lifestyle. Coupled of course, with not penny-pinching on the places to go out to, when out on dates. But you can have your 1st dates be bar & coffee bar dates at more quiet mid-range places, where it's not going to cost your wallet much anyway. You do this, she'd only notice you're a frugal guy If she's already been going steady with you for a while (but you're an item; so if you're compatible 2-3 months into it, it's not going to be a big issue with her if she's not money-hunting).
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 59
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On dating a cheapskate.
Posted: 6/18/2018 9:46:12 AM

They get dinners, they get flowers, chocolates, the works. The restaurants we pick are reasonable - not fancy high-end, not low-end. I pay for both of us.

If you have to do this, you're dating wrong. Focus on creating attraction instead of bribing them to be with you. You shouldn't care what women think of you. Live your life however you want to and be the best version of yourself.
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